AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

@PetulaGordeno I agree. I knew I recognised the “man”.

How do you stand it OP? Your poor children.

Get out. FFS.

He isn't being pedantic, he is being controlling and abusive. You deal with this by divorcing him, not by allowing your children to grow up in a coercively controlling household.

I think, if you deal with safeguarding at school OP what would happen if one of your kids mentions the abuse in the home.

Why are the radio or tv on during meal times

just to reiterate what everyone else has said he’s an abusive controlling prick. Your kids will hate him when they are older and resent you for not sticking up for them. Up to you what you do with that information.

Wow.

my DH can be hard work and struggles with the screeching and general cavorting and cartwheeling of our 5 year old at mealtimes - but it sounds like this is of a different order.

do you want to leave?

is he ND? Does he really struggle if he doesn’t know exactly what’s going to happen through the day? Does he have sensory differences?

Having read your other threads - your husband is not pedantic, he's a nasty controlling bully. Your poor children. You need to leave him and protect your children or they are going to end up very damaged.

He's controlling, not pedantic.
Is he always this joyless?
Tell him go be the 'man of the house' he aspires to be the in the 1920s..... ALONE!!!!

This isn’t being pedantic this is being a miserable abusive bully. This is coercive control and domestic abuse.
start making plans to divorce. You don’t have to live like this and your children shouldn’t have to experience it.
contact women’s aid for support.

He sounds awful. Poor kids, and you. Don't let him control the family. Leave him and let him be in control of his own sad, little life.

He will insist that the children are quiet at meal times so that he can always listen to the radio or TV. No. This is terrible manners; TV and radio off at family dinner time. He can live without it for an hour. If there's some special occasion where he needs to hear/watch something live, he can do so on his own rather than inconveniencing everyone else. Starts shouting if this rule is not upheld. Not pedantic, but a bully. And it's unreasonable to expect another adult to abide by a rule they didn't agree to.

Is obsessed with feeding the kids healthy meals. Over the summer, they are allowed one lolly/ ice cream a day. They have never been to a fast food restaurant as he would go mad. If I ever buy sweets, he goes ballistic. Healthy food is great, and one treat a day seems reasonable. But again, he can't just control everything; the two of you need to decide this together and compromise if necessary, don't undermine each other and argue in front of the children. No one should be going mad or ballistic over this.

Is obsessed with his mpg in the car and if I’m driving, will always tell me what to do. He needs to back off and let you drive when you're driving and vice versa, unless someone's breaking the law or putting someone in danger.

Will not let me do laundry during the day - it has to be done during the night to save money. He can do all of the laundry for the household if he wants to decide for everyone when it gets done.

Will never, ever chuck anything out and when I try to have a declutter, will go through the items and try and bring things back. Is he a hoarder? Does he insist all of this stuff be out, or could you put it away/in storage?

When in the car, he gets fixated on overtaking the car in front and drives too quickly with the children. Obviously not OK. If he can't control this, he doesn't drive you or the children.

So far, it seems like he's at least a large part of the problem. And nobody should have to live with this.

Why aren’t you able to stand up to him OP? You can clearly see his behaviour is wrong.

Why is he watching TV or listening to the radio at mealtimes? Everyone should be chatting to each other and reconnecting at that time. He sounds a bit on the spectrum tbh with this behaviour! My husband is a similar age and nothing like this - it’s defo not an age thing! Sounds like a control thing, if he’s not always been this way can you ask him if anything is stressing him out at work or anything on his mind?

tell him meal times are for conversations, and if he objects to this he will eat outside. Suggest he start by eating outside and only come in and join the FAMILY meal if he wants to participate in the family. Say slowly and clearly you do not get to yell at our children for talking at meal times. If you do, I will tip your dinner in the bin. I am not afraid of you and will no longer let you bully us. It’s harming me and our children. I’ll call the police if you can’t stop yelling at us for talking or running the washing machine.

You need to get your kids away from this.

Divorce. My life is too short a behavior like this. No f*cking way.

Does he do any laundry himself? There’s absolutely no way I’d be following his pathetic ‘rules’.

Also, I wouldn’t be allowing my kids in the car with him if he did that.

Go put a wash on right now, OP..

Mealtimes should be family time where you talk to each other, so bizarre that he shifts that down. Why doesn't he fuck off and have a tv dinner on his own?

He sounds a right grumpy controlling bastard. Get rid.

Family mealtimes is arguably one of the most important times of day for connection. Probably the only time of the day the whole family sits down to chat together while not off doing other things

I would not tolerate this whatsoever

why the fuck have you been putting up with this?

Yeah this isn’t anything to do with being pedantic it’s being a controlling arsehole.

Sorry but its a LTB from me.

So you eat family meals in silence so he can listen to the radio?
Family meal times is usually a time to gather and catch up.

Wierd.
He sounds a controlling prick to be honest.
My ex used to not let me declutter and go through anything i had put aside to go to charity. He also used to go through the bin if he thought id chucked stuff out.
When I moved out I went into our attic for the 1st time in years to gather what I wanted. I discovered our old bathroom suite up there. Not the bath but the old shower cubicle in bits, old sink, taps and loo. That moment signified to me that I was doing the right thing leaving....eradicated any doubts.

He sounds awful to live with. No one should have to be silent so one person can do what they want. That’s selfish
The eating healthy is fair enough and one ice cream/lolly a day is fine. Do they get cake etc on their birthday/ at other kids parties?
The rules around washing etc are controlling but if it was him doing it I’d let him crack on but I wouldn’t do as I was told.
if he was genuinely unsafe I wouldn’t allow it kids in car with him .
You need a conversation when kids aren’t around (preferably in public where he can’t tell you to shut up) you need to tell him these behaviours are unacceptable and either he works on them or you will need to look at splitting up.

Where did you meet this clown? And why are you still with him? None of this is normal or healthy.