AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

I'm a keen Today programme listener but can't help just bloody put in some headphones, listen on BBC Sounds, and rewind any bits he's missed? Very strange behaviour.

oh another arsehole who is a great dad.

do they or are they appeasing?

Yes I agree with the poster upthread. You can’t really say what the prisoners think of the prison guard. They will always submit and praise him as long as there is no way out.

The man you are describing is radically unsafe for the children. There is no question in my mind that his rages/demands/control are damaging them. Get out as fast as you can. Even 50 percent normal life with you—if he got 50 percent—is better than 200 percent with him.

Given the ages of your children you want to move ahead with the divorce asap - before they are considered old enough to persuade a judge that they want to live with daddy…

Seek legal advice without delay would be my strong suggestion.

All this. This is horrendous behaviour. So many stories of how badly this can end. Contact womans aid. Be very careful. Make plans to leave. Quick.

Well done, OP. So not only he is controlling, he's gaslighting you. Or trying to. Now find the best divorce lawyers in your area and make an appointment. Get all your paperwork together - how you have been paying for everything, and for how long etc. He probably does not suspect it's a marital asset because of it being in his name. Make a note of all incidences, including the shouting at the children to shut up at dinner the other day. Log if he threatens you in any way, shape or form. (Can you stop paying for anything of his you currently do? EG clothes, hobbies. Might make him get off his sorry a*se.)

I think if you talk to Women's aid you could be really surprised at how they will confirm what so many of us think.

You are a boiled frog, putting up with this ever worsening behaviour.

The house IS a marital asset and it will have to be sold.

Get all paperwork together and sorted.
Ask around for a recommendation for legal advice.
He is not a good man.

The teenage years will be horrific with someone like this, believe me.

Time to get out and co parent.
The children will at least have a safe place.

As they age they will make their own decisions on contact.

I would describe him as a house terrorist.

This isn’t being pedantic this is being emotionally abusive and controlling, you have said you are living in fear (walking on egg shells) he has put you and your children in danger with the overtaking other cars which I think is clear he does this on purpose to instal further fear into and the kids. I think you need to talk to women’s aid or maybe even a family member/friend? You don’t have to put up with this.

Has he ever been assessed for autism? The black and white views are pretty rigid which may account for some of the behaviour. As for the rest, he sounds awful and I'd get away as soon as you are able.

I grew up with being shouted at, Dad driving like a twat, shouting at us if the house was messy, and waking us up in the middle of the night to tidy the house - just a few examples. Just to note there were 6 of us, so not exactly a small family.

But because of his behaviour, I truly feel I have OCD thoughts and anxiety due to not feeling safe when I was young. I also had awful insomnia when I was little and still do to an extent. I also really struggle to regulate my emotions, I quickly go into fight mode and start acting like my Dad, something I have to work on daily.

If life with him is miserable, take the kids and leave. Living on eggshells is exhausting and can have lasting affects on all of you. You deserve better and he can eat his dinner watching TV alone!

Just to add, it would useful to have some counselling for you and your kids because of his behaviour. I highly doubt your husband would be willing to work on it, he won’t change.

My mum had a partner like this. I will loosely refer to him as a stepdad. They were together for 10 years or so. What you have described is exactly what we went through as kids and to put it bluntly, we hated him and he made our lives a misery. Mum's life wasnt much better either. For the sake of your kids, he needs to go before he completely destroys their formative years. You are describing a controlling, manipulative dickhead who needs some serious help.

Your DH sounds awful. Truly awful. It might not be his fault if he is on the spectrum, but it still doesn't mean that you have to live with it. Can you find yourself a house to rent for you and the children and just move out and leave him to control his environment as he sees fit?

Then the house can be sold and with the proceeds you can buy somewhere secure just for you and the children. I can practically guarantee that once they no longer have this control freak dictating how they live that they will blossom. Because once they reach their teen years they are going to stop doting on 'daddy being right' and start challenging him and life will fall apart for all of you.

This isn't pedancy. This is highly controlling behaviour of a man who believes himself Lord and master of his wife and children, and makes his wishes your commands.
This isn't healthy for you or your children. You should be his equal with as much say about shared things like what the children eat, when family conversation can happen as he does.
Unless you are frightened of him (another matter) then you need to start standing up for yourself rather than dismissing this as a personality quirk.
Start small by telling him (if safe) that you're not comfortable with the children eating in silence and want to use meal times to chat and if he wants quiet he needs to eat elsewhere.
If you're too frightened to say this, then I urge you to contact women's aid or another women's support agency to talk it through.

I could not live like this , OP . You poor thing and your poor kids .