AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

I would switch the radio off and say that mealtime is a time for conversation. If he is upset about that, have the radio on on alternate days. Show him how ridiculous he is being.

What would he do if you turned the radio/tv off and said your preference was for talking at meal times? I imagine he would lose his shit and you are afraid of that. The kids will know he’s a prick - I grew up with a very controlling father (mine had a hair trigger temper and we could never guess what would set him off) and I will never forgive my mum for not leaving him and subjecting us to an awful childhood. She stayed because she prioritised financial comfort over emotional stability. Do you really believe you are protecting your children by staying or are you actually protecting your own peace by staying because you can tolerate it?

With the greatest of respect, you're making excuses. Protecting the children while living with this man isn't really protecting them. They need to have carefree and happy childhood, as much as possible, they only get one.

While change will be upsetting for your son, the possibility of damage of staying imo is far greater.

I can only second this looking at my partners situation but playing out to the future.
So he was raised the exact same way, no TV unless bbc1, only radio 3 in the car, everything saved and recycled. No sugar apart from a "treat" dispensed once a month which was a quarter of a mars bar. Never going to a beach or pool (he had fallen in at age 2 and hated water). Never had fast food. Food tightly rationed. No dishwasher - all had to washed by hand etc. Verbally abusive outbursts if challenged or days of silent treatment.
All facilitated by your character simpering, justifying and minimising the effect.

Roll on 25 years.. Kidsboth have issues. Daughter married a similar man but had the sense to get out. Son had confidence and self worth issues. Both had mental health counselling. Now the "you" person went suddenly blind and has dementia and the husband can't cope and implementing ever more odd things and now blocking medical and social care for the you character... Huge safeguarding issues and the you character being removed to a place of safety.
STOP THIS NOW.
I can't decide if Mil being less simpering earlier on would have helped "we plan to discuss x over tea you are welcome to join us or eat in the lounge" or whether this would have made things worse so you need to decide if you push some boundaries now or do a clean break. But doing nothing is not an option.

I dont think you feel you can leave. Perhaps you fear loss of social standing?
Does your husband tend to have a lot of friends who endorse his right to be correct in all matters.
Are you just the little feather head in their opinion?
This could be difficult because you dont want to leave him. What you really desire is to change him!
However, changing someone who is older and very set in their ways is going to be difficult.
Perhaps your husband is overly concerned about his reputation.
I am assuming that you are not his first wife.
As you chose him and there are reasons that you dont want to rock the boat then you must take a pragmatic approach and weigh up your options carefully ( with or without the help of a lawyer.)
Eventually you will see a pathway that can lead to a better future for you all.
Maybe you could remonstrate bytellin him he is "becoming a grumpy old man" and laugh at some of his foibles privately.
But you could start by redefining your ground rules , telling him that you dont like the man he is becoming and that he was much more approachable and more fun when he was younger.
You could start by letting him know that you think he is behaving like a dictator!

He sounds like a controlling arsehole TBH. This isn't pedantry at all this is just being a twat.

This is another thread where I marvel that you have stayed so long. It’s controlling and abusive, and I accept that the behaviours have probably crept up over the years without you realising until now, but you need to separate.

He is a nasty piece of work.

You and your kids deserve better.

Fifteen years older and a controlling cnt. Tell him he'll be much happier living on his own. Don't put your poor kids through this. What an awful childhood.

I'm so sorry to read this. Please, I am begging you, speak to a solicitor and get a handle on your options here. This current situation is extremely damaging for your children even though you think you're shielding them. You and your children are being abused and you absolutely need to leave.

Perhaps you are going through an essential process of working out a troubling dilemma by posting here, even though you may not have taken advice offered previously or may not do what people advise now.

His behaviour is extremely rigid, obsessive and dictatorial. It's like that of a stern Victorian patriarch and does not belong in the life of families and children now. And you are not protecting your children by letting this dictate their daily lives.

You can resolve to sit down and talk to him about how rigid he is being, that it is not kind to the children and that he needs to allow some leeway for children to experience and do normal things.
Follow that up with naming specific things, as for example, meal times and say firmly that he cannot forbid talking over dinner, that it is important for family life and children's development, and for fun and enjoyment together and that he must put away the radio and tv at those times.

I'm suggesting that you be bold; seize control: change it by starting talking to the children at dinner - consider the old saying 'You have nothing to fear but fear itself'. You have a lot of fear and anxiety. Throw off fear and caution; decide and determine to burst through and break out of that habit of fearing to do anything. Lose your rag for once, if you have to.

Start to do things differently. If you cannot go to fast food places such as McD, just take him and the children to other types of restaurants. Would Italian and pizza pass muster? Buy them the odd packet of sweets or treats, though not every day. Run the washing machine whenever you like, whether he agrees or not. You can explain that it's dangerous at night if he complains. Just do it. For decluttering, get in a professional declutterer. Doing any of these things will be liberating. You may have a row. The sky won't fall in. He'll have to fall in with the new habits, though.

You may not do any of this but you can ponder and imagine such possibilities in your mind and work towards forming a resolve to act and maybe one day you will take that first step.

I divorced when my AuDHD, change-averse son was around that age. He coped far, far better than I expected and adjusted pretty quickly.

This sounds absolutely awful. Please do think about what message you’re sending to your children by staying. My friend’s mother stayed in an abusive marriage and my friend never forgave her. The message my friend absorbed was that the needs of her father were more important than the needs of the children.

Could you access some support to help think this through? Counsellors, domestic abuse organisations, solicitors? Sending strength.

Points 2 and 3 are totally fair. Putting the washing or dishwasher on in our house is forbidden since we switched to an EV tariff

Otherwise he sounds joyless and you'd be far better off without him.

I say this to put the boot up your arse. You're not going to do anything about it are you? You're weak.

Prove me wrong 🤔

Meal times are meant to be social its teaching your children how to interact. I would insist no tv or radio at mealtimes and of he doesn't like hes to take himself off somewhere else for his meals.
Hes controlling and as the kids get older it wont be great as they start to make more choices and decisions that he wont agree with.

You fear that a divorce will destroy him but day to day living like that won't.
Living day to day like that will do far more emotional damage than a divorce.

I was married to a man like this. He used to control everything… where things went in the cupboards, when washing got done, how washing up got done, how to chop veg. Honestly, I had no control in my own home. It was awful and soul destroying. I couldn’t take any more and now we are divorced (for this and a multitude of reasons). I’m very happily divorced. I love having my own say in my own house. I doubt I will ever live with another man again after what I experienced. I often wonder if he was neurodivergent, anxious or just an abusive, controlling a hole. Possibly a combination. Regardless, I would advise you to explain to him how it is making you feel. If he can change, great. If not, I think you should get your ducks in a row otherwise this will be your life forever and it will really get you down.

I am getting "Sleeping with the Enemy" vibes here....

'This is exactly me. My own father was like this but much, much worse. I think that’s why I’ve normalised this for so long.'
So you think this is your lot because it follows the pattern of the past, your mother stayed with your father and endured much worse etc etc. Well the truth is its not your lot, it doesn't have to be, you can break out of the pattern and choose something better for the sake of yourself and your children. Yes it will be hard, he will be difficult but you can and will get through it.

Sounds like he’s on the spectrum somewhere, possible OCD ish

This isn’t being pedantic it’s controlling and bullying behaviour. He should be pleased his children went to converse at meal times why is the tv on anyway?

Is he training the children to eat and be quiet at meals so that you can eat out without the kids arguing or embarrassing you?

My dad was exactly like this except the final point - he was very safety-focused. I believe he was quite autistic.

I would urge you to talk to DH and attempt to override the not talking at meals things. When I started work, my boss noticed that I didn’t speak up on calls. He was great - he said “there is something in your upbringing that stops you from speaking up, but you have the right to speak and your contributions are good.”

It was only years later that I learned we hadn’t been allowed to speak at meals and I am sure that is what gave me this feeling of needing permission to speak.

It took a long time, and even now I struggle but I did get there. Clearly it held me back somewhat in my career (though all good now)

This being Mumsnet, lots of people will be telling you to leave your husband. However this pedantic style doesn’t mean your husband is not a decent person. It would be good if you could communicate with him and explain he needs to be more flexible because he lives with another person now and not all of his quirks suit you. I think people like this just struggle with what they think is right and not being in charge, but if you talk to them and offer good reasons for the change they may well take it on board.

If he was trying to teach them good manners, he'd have the tv/radio off and be making polite conversation at the dinner table. Shouting at them to shut up is the height of civility, is it?

The lengths people will go to to try to excuse absolutely shite behaviour of men.

Ooh he must be autistic, maybe he's trying to teach them, absolutely ridiculous. 🙄

Is he undiagnosed autism or OCPD?