to think some women should not be punishing their DM/MILs regarding childcare?

Do they really though? Who says this? I've never heard it, in RL or on here.

I won't be offering 'childcare' for any GC. Nope, never. I've done my years of childrearing thanks. Babysitting, sure. Of course. Childcare - having small children several days every week, regularly, no.

I would never ever want my children to provide care for me though. So if I was in the odd and unlikely situation of an adult child and their oh threatening me with no elderly care if I didn't offer childcare then it would make no odds to me.

I’m a poster who said they wouldn’t help MIL in old age because she doesn’t help us at all and I’m happy to expand on it.

My Dad-does loads for both grandchildren (DN and DS), DN is disabled and my Dad does more with him because you need to be strong physically and my Mum struggles with that. DS is KS2 so looking after him isn’t physically taxing. But it’s not just childcare,
they are supportive, check in and are thoughtful- think good luck on your first day messages to DH.

FIL is dead and has been for 22 years so hard to blame him for not being involved. MIL is retired, healthy and moans about being bored but says she finds spending time with DS
boring. When I’ve been in hospital she makes it about her (she has a blister on her foot) and there are no offers of help but she also expects us to drive over to deal with her burglar alarm, water plants etc (45 min drive). Golden child SIL gets loads of childcare but MIL never asks her for anything help wise.

I do think you reap what you sow-
MIL forgets our birthdays, is open about preferring SILs kids and has never even offered a word of support. I am not sure many people would be rushing to help her in our situation but DH and I are comfortable with our feelings on this. If she was a man I would feel the same.

Why do you keep posting the same threads then? You’ve been doing it for many months.

What makes it “transactional” rather than “behaving in the way that has been modelled to you”?

If someone says to their kids “no I don’t fancy helping thanks” then when the same is said back to them that is not necessarily transactional or keeping score - it’s learned behaviour. They have been taught that putting oneself first is fine and not doing things you don’t fancy is fine.

You're not unreasonable but there have been a lot of similar posts recently.
It just descends into a " But greedy Boomers had it all easy and now everything bad is their fault so they better not expect anything unless..." bollocksfest.
Transactional relationships appear to be the new norm sorry to say.

We have to though really don’t we as you’re not giving us anything to go on other than the repetitive “I heard…..”

don’t you realise it’s mostly women here….so it’s very unlikely you’ll get men talking about men.

if you tell us what’s going on for you and why this has touched a nerve we might be able to support and offer some advice.

are you worried you’ll be asked to help? Is looking after your GC a chore for you? Are you concerned you’ll won’t get help with care?

all these threads do is dredge up the same convos but I think now we can see that and can call that out.

No, I don’t think I am. You clearly have a situation in real life, talking about it rather than repeating these threads numerous times might actually help you.

Okay. But genuine question, why can’t you talk to your family about how you feel rather than creating multiple threads?

We’re actually a supportive bunch on here if you properly engage.

Is this a thing? Certainly isn’t in my experience and social circle.

My mum didn’t do any childcare for us. My dad is long dead so he didn’t either. We’re NC now for reasons totally unrelated to childcare and I won’t be providing her any care when she needs it. She sold her house to rent in her mid 70s and currently lives a very lush life. I do hope she’s put money aside for her care.

MIL also never provided any childcare. We will, of course, look after her the best we can if she needs it. She cared for her dad at home until he died in his mid 90s. We don’t want her to ever go into a care home if we can help it. Thankfully, she has lived sensibly and has a mortgage free house that is solely hers, and Dh and I could fund some carers. FIL also long dead. MIL does have a partner who we are all hoping dies soon as he is a miserable old git and none of us are caring for him, 😂

People are trying to engage you in a conversation OP but you’re so defensive (like all these threads!).

whats going on in your family that made you want to post this? Is your daughter trying to force kids on you?

Same old thread again.

can @MNHQset up a grans area for these to all go to and all the grandparents can moan there.

as others have said there’s no real discussion.

I’ve not seen a thread where a daughter will say they won’t give childcare to an older person due to the older person not helping out with the kids.

I’ve seen plenty of goady people saying that they’ve heard this though. Where are you hearing it???

The majority of posters on here are female I believe so that’s why you’ll get more posts from females.

whats your situation OP - I’m guessing you won’t be helping out?

can we stop bashing women who want some help. If you want to moan go and have a talk with your sons!!

When you have to resort to emojis rather than words we know that what that poster said is close to the truth.

Why don’t you feel brave enough to talk to your own family in real life?

Not content with repeating herself OP is repeating other people now.

But it isn’t a discussion. The OP puts a statement out, people reply and then they just agree with the handful saying “ I agree waaaahhh it’s unfair”, rather than engaging with people who say well you don’t have to do childcare, or do whatever you feel comfortable with.

It’s boring because people engage saying it isn’t punishment, it’s about how relationships naturally develop and grow and it is just ignored.

Its an OP who is obviously unhappy with her own family, but not brave enough to say it, using an anonymous forum to berate other young families because she won’t do it in real life

Agree. But also agree with OP that we shouldn't only be talking about the women. Though the reality of it is that mums were (and still are) likely to do more childcare/housework and less paid work, so yes, though things are definitely changing, you are still more likely to find a grandmother not working FT, so having more time to do childcare, than a grandfather.
I still help family who haven't helped me, but it's easier to happily run out in the middle of the night to take a relative to hospital if you know they dropped everything to babysit when you went into labour, than for relatives that did nothing, despite being in perfect health.

Mostly though, people don't keep starting the same old thread multiple times unless they're very boring.