Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

404 replies

LounSue · 01/02/2025 12:42

Context, my wonder 88 year old mum passed away recently, we are all beyond devastated. Her funeral in on Monday. Today we met up with the extended family for a breakfast, the intention was my sister would host my siblings and I, plus all the kids and my mums brothers for a simple breakfast, discuss the plans for Monday and make sure everyone was on the same page.

Both my children (29 and 25) came, my son and his GF had to get an early train to be there. Everything was fine until my sister came over and asked why my son had just told her son he wasn't coming to the funeral, I was under the impression he was. He was very close to my mum, called her several times a week, visited often and took her to all sorts of things. I asked him and he said he didn't want to as funerals are a bunch of performative crap and half the people in the room couldn't be bothered with her when she was alive. My daughter then nodded and agreed and said she wouldn't be there either.
My sister lost it with them and raised her voice saying they were being selfish, as my mum had carefully planned every detail of her funeral and often spoke of how all the family would be together and it would likely be the last time (my dad passed in 2019, and some of my siblings aren't very close to others).
Both of my children walked out, DD's boyfriend came back in about 10 minutes later and got all of their coats/bags and said they were driving DS and his girlfriend back to London.
I tried to call both of my DC as did DH (not their dad) but no answers. Now my sister is saying it is my awful parenting that has caused this and my children are selfish.
This is made worse by my mother having left slightly more money to my DS than all the other grandkids (20k to most of them, 25k to DS and a further 7.5k to his girlfriend (they have been together for 4 years and she was very close to my mum). My sister seems to think he manipulated her into doing this, I don't think he did.
Then my DD posted on instagram or something a video of her and DS, his girlfriend and her boyfriend listening to very loud upbeat music in the car and my niece showed her mum and my sister is now saying it's so disrespectful they are doing that.

I think it's up to DC if they come to the funeral, even if my mum would have wanted them there. However I'm not sure why they came today if they aren't coming to the funeral.

How do I handle this? My sister is grieving as are we all so I'm trying to not get worked up at her reaction but I do think its made things worse.

AIBU to think DC are fine to do what they want and my sister has massively blown this out of proportion?

OP posts:

Purpleturtle46 · 02/02/2025 07:56

Poor you, stuck in the middle of your children and sister when you are grieving.

It sounds like your children, son especially, was very insensitive in the way he spoke to his grieving relatives. I think it's very selfish of them not to go, if nothing else they should be going to support you.

Your sister should have spoken to you privately and given you the chance to talk to your children instead of making a big scene which has probably put them further off.

Doingmybest12 · 02/02/2025 09:40

The family dynamics sound really difficult. Sadly I'd just want the funeral over and done with. Let the adults just make their own decisions and to be honest I wouldn't want my children to be made to be somewhere where the issues will rumble on into the day. You can privately get together with your children and read their contribution afterwards. However your children need to quietly get on with it and not enflame the situation. I hope you gain some comfort from tomorrow however difficult that might be.

godmum56 · 02/02/2025 10:15

NotTerfNorCis · 01/02/2025 18:21

We go to funerals out of respect for the dead. Their behaviour is selfish and shocking. They should be more concerned about what their grandma would have wanted.

no "we" don't. they have no idea whether we went or not.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 02/02/2025 10:49

LounSue · 01/02/2025 14:35

I've spoken to DS.

His account, is he was going to come and he and DD had wrote a speech together, my brother (the eldest) had told them to do so. When they arrived today he showed my sister to check they weren't repeating anything anyone else was saying and she said it wasn't necessary they weren't speaking. She then said "You got what you wanted anyway didn't you", he asked what she meant and she said "money and your little girlfriend got some too, watch out you'll be next she rinses for money, her kind are good at that (Eastern European)" he then said it was rich as she and her children only every called their gran for money and the last time he spoke to his gran about it her son owed my mum £3500 and her daughter owed her £6000. My sister then said it wasn't the time for that convo and he said fine and then said actually I won't be at the funeral as I don't appreciate the way you talk to my girlfriend (apparently his girlfriend said something to my sister when they arrived, asking where to put their coats and my sister said "sorry I don't speak Russian" she speaks perfectly clear English) and you are making this funeral all about the people who didn't care about my gran.

That is when my sister came over and told me.

My sister claims none of this happened and he is lying to make himself look better and has her children and my niece backing her up saying it never happened.

I cannot deal with this stress right now!

I believe your son. Your children have made the right decision not to go. Your sister can criticise them all she wants, but she will just have to suck it up. They will mourn and honour their grandmother in their own way. I suspect that she was very proud of them, of what they've made of their lives and their integrity. I think you should support their decision.

All families have these conflicts, especially around funerals. Your sister will probably use it to put your children down for the rest of her life, but so be it.

Oh, and it wouldn't surprise me if your children did find a way of making it possible to attend. Either way they sound like great people.

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 15 16 17

Swipe left for the next trending thread