Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

I didn’t go to a funeral that a lot of you would argue I should have. I didn’t for a few reasons but mainly because other family members had invited a family of people that did not like the person that had passed, she also hated them right back.

It was an absolute farce. I said goodbye in my own way and I know for an absolute fact she was right there with me, laughing at the joke her funeral was. She would have told me to stay away if she could.

OP, your children put in the effort to make sure she knew they loved her when she was alive. That is what is important.

You show respect for a person when they're alive. When they're dead it matters not.

Perhaps it is a fundamental difference of opinion and if so, nobody is really in the wrong? OP's sister though shouldn't be giving the OP a hard time about anything.

Is there something wrong with your keyboard?

They went because they were led to believe they would be playing a part in the funeral, and that their aunts and cousins would treat them with a modicum of respect. When they were met with xenophobia and told that they wouldn’t be giving the speech they’d been asked to write, they left.

What do they need the aunt and cousins for? It doesn’t sound like they would expect the aunt and cousins to show up for them, or would think to ask them to. The consequences? You mean pissing off and alienating the people they don’t like and don’t care about it? Sounds like the desired outcome tbh, not a consequence to fear and thus avoid.

I get that funerals are a bit out there at times, but your kids are old enough to just suck it up and attend. 🤷‍♀️. It’s what we do as adults. 🙄

Oh I hadn't read about the speech, or I missed it. Was it mentioned pre or post my initial response?

Well having read the update I can see your dc’s pov a bit better now. You're ok with them not attending, so I’d just leave everyone to their own devices.

His account, is he was going to come and he and DD had wrote a speech together, my brother (the eldest) had told them to do so. When they arrived today he showed my sister to check they weren't repeating anything anyone else was saying and she said it wasn't necessary they weren't speaking. She then said "You got what you wanted anyway didn't you", he asked what she meant and she said "money and your little girlfriend got some too, watch out you'll be next she rinses for money, her kind are good at that (Eastern European)"

Pre, I believe.

YABU and your children are very selfish. I would too be questioning your parenting when you all think this is an acceptable reaction.

I've just had a read of OPs subsequent posts and it's awful treatment of OPs children and son's girlfriend.

That is unjustifiable I agree, I might consider swerving that funeral too.

I think it's sad because when I've attended funerals I've been really comforted to hear stories about the person who has died and to be comforted and comfort others who loved them. I'm sad the OP's children won't get that experience but it seems to be OP's sister who is causing the issue, shame on her. It's sad they won't be able to be with their grandmother's friends either

Where is your older brother in all this? He asked your son and daughter to write a eulogy. Why is he not putting your sister back in her box and telling her that her attitude is unacceptable?

Sorry you had to go through this! Similar happened at my dads funeral where siblings (7 of them and their husbands /wives) we're asked to move from the front rows to allow myself, sister and step sister, step mum and all the 9 grandchildren could sit up front they were not impressed and tried to cause a scene. Its the last thing you need when your grieving x

OP you need to speak to your brother.

We go to funerals out of respect for the dead. Their behaviour is selfish and shocking. They should be more concerned about what their grandma would have wanted.

Having read more, your sister was also out of line.

Who is this royal "we"?

I go to funerals to help me grieve and celebrate the life of the deceased with their family and friends.

If I wanted to simply show respect to the person that died I could take flowers to their grave at any time, have a moment of quiet reflection or take comfort in the respect I had shown them when they were alive (and had any idea what was going on!)

I wouldn't go to a funeral if I thought my girlfriend would be abused, my mother would be shouted at, I would be accused of manipulating the will of a family member etc. That is not respectful, comforting nor conducive to grief.

Your DS, his DGF & DD could attend the funeral service, but not attend the afters.

Your DS can still give a reading. She was his & DDs DGM & they should show their respects, regardless of the way the rest of your family's behaving, who they'd be better off ignoring.

Sorry for your sad loss

They turned up because they wanted to be a part of the funeral. They are adults now though and then way your sister spoke to them all was out of line. Honestly I wouldn't have wanted to remain in her house any longer either and there is never an excuse for her xenophobia. I would still turn up to the funeral though but not attend the wake as I would want to put my grandma to rest. Having said thay if they don't think they can as they don't wish to cause a scene or too much upset has been caused I'd encourage them to remember their beloved grandma in another way.

At some point you will need to talk to your sister about her behaviour because she is out of line. This isn't grief but greed and jealousy.

When we lost my grandad we had the funeral and did all the rites and lots of family friends attended. It was a busy, sombre period. When we finally got time to ourselves we went out for a meal and remembered the grumpy sod. We heard stories we had never heard, laughed, cried and remembered the man we all loved.

Sending lots of love to you all.

Now that makes sense. I kind of thought something like that had happened when I made my earlier post. I would 100% believe your DS and DD

It isn't too late though, for you to contact whoever is actually taking the service to tell them that your DS/DD also want to say something.

Tempers do get frayed at emotional times like this, especially if there is bad feeling between family members, and I think it is unfortunate that your DS lost it - but I understand why he did. It's also unfortunate that you didn't get involved earlier, instead of leaving it all to your sister, especially when you know how much she doesn't like your children. But what's done, is done.

Given the really bad feeling, it might be best for your children NOT to go. If feelings are that high, on both sides, it could turn into a shouting match at the funeral or the wake, which does happen occasionally, and would be just awful

Stop making excuses for your children's awful behaviour.

I agree with you 💯.

I doubt their DGM would have wanted them excluded from being part of it by their aunt...

Their behaviour is not "awful" unlike Dsis and her children

I have dropped everything and booked flights for family funerals (we are all a bit spread out). Other cousins didn’t attend grandparents’ funerals. No one in the family had an issue with who attended and who didn’t, those who didn’t it was assumed they would remember the person in their own way and maybe visit the grave at a later date.

When I say no one had an issue, I guess they might have done but they didn’t voice it, and plenty spoke up in agreement.

@LounSue your children have lost their grandmother whom they loved very much.

If they have only attended one funeral that was their father’s then funerals in general might be a difficult concept for them and they were going to put that aside and attend but have decided not to. It does not diminish their love for the grandmother.

Did the eldest brother have anything to say about their speech not being needed?

Did you ask your sister if that bit was true?

Is the funeral being streamed and your DC could watch it?

It doesn't matter they don't go to the funeral. They are probably the same as me. Once you have gone you have gone. I attend funerals not out of respect for the person but to say a final goodbye. If you don't feel the need to do that so be it.

It doesn't mean they feel any less of their relative.

For some people a funeral is healing, for some traumatic.

Let them deal with it in the way they can.