Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

This.
It’s not your fault OP, nor your responsibility to sort out.
But it’s awful behaviour by your DCs though, and something they may actually regret.

I feel for you, OP. Your DC are behaving like spoilt brats, when they’re old enough to think of other people’s feelings.

OP's children as it may well have an affect on their familial relationships.

I agree.

Perhaps suggest to your children that you and your sister could do with their support at the funeral, that it isn't just about their grandmother. We all have to put ourselves out sometimes after all and it's not for long.

Other than that I don't know what you can do, you cannot force them.

My aunt was a nasty witch and she totally took over my beloved Gran’s funeral, making it something my Gran would have hated (including playing music she, my aunt, liked, but my Gran didn’t). However, I’m still glad I went, because my Gran would have hated the thought of the family falling out over her death.

I'm really sorry for your loss @LounSue.

Funerals often bring out the worst in people, especially when there is an inheritance involved.

After your update, I would be inclined to believe your son's version of events.

Poor you, sorry for your loss.

There is nothing like a death in the family along with a will to cause family aggravation.

You have kept silent all this time as you don't want to rock the boat

But your dc, and to their credit, don't put up with your sisters back stabbing comments and bull shit Your sister brought up about the money your ds was left - but then when he retaliated - oh no its not the time or place, funny that it was just a couple of minutes before when she thought she had the upper hand. As soon as your son stood up for himself and didn't keep quiet to not rock the boat...I take it your sister isn't used to people answering back with a biota truthfulness

I'd be proud of my son for not living down and letting his aunt walk all over him.

Go and say good bye to your mum on Monday and take solace in the fact your son made her life more pleasant whilst she was alive.

Team Sister. You children sound awful.

that's your view. I have never found "closure" or "acceptance" at any funeral that I have been too.

You all sound unpleasant- what a toxic family! Someone has died show some respect.

they will regret going to something arranged by a woman who didn't care about her mother in life? Does nobody read the OP's comments?

I thought that but the OP updated after talking to her DS and there’s a lot more to it.

I actually agree with your son, to the point I don’t want a funeral myself. However recently my Dear BIL passed away and I did go to his funeral I 100% know he would not have been bothered but I went for my sister and so my kids (adults) went for their aunt and carried uncle’s coffin, we did love my BIL but he knew that as I am sure your mum knew your kids loved her.
Cond to your family.

Condolences

If you believe that . Personally if somebody had racially abused my partner in the past I wouldn’t be going to breakfast at their home .

Ok to listen to upbeat music in private but posting it on SM so others who are genuinely mourning someone’s death can see it is not

If you are in mourning and feel that upbeat music would be offensive - then stop looking at social media is the best course of action

At 25 and nearly 30 I would say something has gone very wrong in their parenting if they don’t know how to be respectful of other people’s feelings

It would seem that these two don't want to be walked all over, being refused to say a speech at your own grandmother funeral, having your girlfriend the subject of xenophobic comments and your inheritance queried - none of those things are respectful.

Can you explain this take?
OP's children- spend time with their gran while she's alive, are close with her, get left more money in her will but appear to be the only grandchildren who don't owe her money, prepare a speech for the funeral as requested then to be told they aren't to speak after all and are berated for the money they've been left which was the Granny's choice to do, then decide eff this and bow out of the funeral which their own mother (OP) is fine about as she wasn't even as close to Granny as they were anyway. The SM post is a red herring and irrelevant.

Aunt/cousins- don't see Granny regularly, take money from her while she's alive and don't pay it back, openly dislike OP's children for being successful, xenophobic/racist to the girlfriend, exclude OP's children from the funeral planning and are spiteful/resentful of their inheritance (which again was Granny's choice and probably only to balance out the money already given to the cousins and not repaid so it breaks even essentially).

I was on the DC side from the start purely because I think the relationship in life is what matters, I don't believe in an afterlife so Granny is unaffected by who attends the funeral in my view but was very much affected by who cared for her when she was alive, but after reading OP'a updates and assuming they're accurate I cannot fathom how anyone would come down on the sisters side.

I get why they are saying it's performative - they mean your siblings who upset their GM while she was alive are being performative, Good for them

She might have a point based on the limited information you've given about you children and their partners

People blaming the DC clearly don't have much experience of toxic families. Well done to your DC for not playing your sister's games @LounSue . They were there for your mum when it mattered, let those who weren't do their performative grieving and try to detach from it yourself.

My friend has just been through similar with her mum, she has a sibling who's had multiple partners and children with them, many of whom he did not support, his mum tried to keep some contact with all the GC and their mums. When it came to the funeral shit hit the fan about who was "allowed" to be there, with my friend trying to mediate and asking the sibling who was doing the "banning" to just be clear with everyone.... but of course they weren't. Lots of hurt feelings all around. Another friend told me he probably won't attend his mum's funeral and will probably never speak to two of his siblings again after she dies. She is the glue holding a fragile peace between them.

My siblings and I are not particularly close, we live on different continents for one thing, but we are regular contact and can't imagine dramas like this in our family. One sibling was unable to get to either of our parent's funerals due to distance and cost, not a big issue. I was pretty shocked when I first came across family dynamics like this, and am very pleased not to be part of them.

Perhaps your mother would be proud of your DC for not putting up with your sisters bullshit.

@RosesAndHellebores has nailed it.

Your mother's funeral was important to her. Your DC have disrespected that and in the process made it all about them. Awful behaviour. I would be handing them their arses on plates. I'd be mortified if I were the OP.

For those saying that they are adults so it is up to them what they do, part of being an adult is showing respect and decorum and sometimes doing things we don't want to do. Just get on with it without behaving like a dick.

oh wow just seen this. i'm def with your DC !

I’m with you @LounSue. I think it’s up to them whether they go to the funeral or not. Funerals are for the living not the dead. They can grieve their grandmother in their own way. I do think it was at least bad judgment to upload the music though.

Dh and I are having direct cremations, so no funeral. It avoids all the hassle and the dc and dsc will have a bit more money to fight over share between them.

Sorry for your loss.

I don't think your children have acted wrongly at all. Maybe they intended to come to the funeral but seeing everyone come together in their "grief" while they knew how shit they'd been with contacting/seeing your mum made them uncomfortable. Them leaving was presumably a response to the overreaction of your sister.

Ultimately it's their decision and no one else's business. Your sister has overstepped by criticising your parenting but maybe she is just irrational in her grief. It's probably best to just say "they are adults and capable of making their own decisions" rather than tell her to fuck off (which is what I'd be minded to do).

I see no issue with their social media use and it wouldn't have been an issue if your niece hadn't seen it and gone running to her mother to wind her up further.

Your children were great to your mum when she was alive, that's what matters. Since she has passed, they need to put their feelings first in how they intend to grieve.

Presumably they'll all be turning down the generous amount left to them by their grandmother so their sensibilities are not further offended.
My own view is that older children, as these are , should be expected to do the right thing on occasions such as this. They sound horrible.