Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

He has good reason to state it's performative crap then.

He's given his grandmother his love and attention while she was alive. That's what is important.

My niece didn't bother herself to go to my MIL's funeral, which was local to her, as she was "going out later." We all raised an eyebrow or two on the day but mostly because MIL loved that child and did all childcare from baby hood to school then holiday care etc and babysitting, they were constantly at her house - but she's the one who is going to have to live with it.

Would your family feel differently if all the grandchildren were treated the same in the will?

How would I deal with it? Very simply, my DC (who are 30 and 26) would be getting the biggest kick up the backside of their entire lives. They have been rude, selfish and disrespectful to the living and the dead.

Your children’s attitudes are disgusting.

Your DC are incredibly selfish.

I cannot understand not wanting to go to a beloved GP’s funeral. Even putting aside wanting to go - I don’t think a GP’s funeral is optional. Obviously setting aside fractured family relationships, abuse etc which doesn’t seem to be the case here.

It is incredibly disrespectful.

Your son's words were tactless, and they could seem to be directed at family members present if he was the one who spent most time with your mum. Perhaps that's what made your sister angry, though she shouldn't have spoken that way.

Not attending the funeral seems inconsiderate if your mum did plan it and want the whole family together. If your son is upset about possible hypocrisy among attendees, or funerals in general, he could have discussed it in a more sensitive manner .

Posting the video with upbeat music in the car afterwards was inconsiderate, also, though probably just thoughtless and unfortunate in the context.

Emotions often run so high after bereavement, it's common for anger at the loss to be misdirected at others.

I'm sorry for your loss and the extra distress you're going through.

Funerals are for the living. Sounds like your DC paid their respects to your mum while she was alive, which is how it should be. I think funerals are often performative grieving - a ritual for those who are still alive.

They are both being incredibly thoughtless and selfish and they way they spoke to your sister is awful.

I think your children are being beyond rude and if they were mine I would tell them that. Their Grandmother would want them to be at her funeral and would be disappointed if they didn’t. Their Grandmother kindly left them a sum of money. How would you feel if you knew they wouldn’t attend your funeral?

Tbf @healthybychristmas you wouldn’t be heartbroken: you’d be dead.

DS has said he's furious about the family getting together now to arrange the funeral after taking little notice of your mum in her last years. His sister presumably agrees with him. He's very unimpressed with a good chunk of his family at the moment and doesn't want to watch them being hypocritical (as he sees it) at his granny's funeral.
Doesn't look selfish to me. If you tell them you understand, they may change their minds before the day of the funeral, and come for their granny's sake.

Your DC sound callous and selfish. I’d be mortified if my DC behaved like this.

This.

I don't understand why they travelled to come to this family meeting though.
I mean, I don't understand why you had a family breakfast in the first place, but it doesn't make sense to me that they all travelled to it and then walked out.

I mean, I think your sister over reacted. It isn't up to her what they decide to do. I'd have said something along the line of "That's a shame. Have a good think about it as I think you might regret it." then left them to their own choices.

Your OP made me think they're being selfish but from your recent posts I can understand their feelings. Unfortunately funerals are a circus. I dont blame them.

I hate funerals, have had to attend my parents funerals as a teenager, then had to attend my grandparents. I never want to go to another but I will because it's a mark of respect.

Your children may have their morals in regards to others not seeing their nan whilst she was alive but it's just making them look terrible and money grabbing. You are right, they are adults and can make their own choices but it's a horrible choice.

It's up to them however I do think they are being very selfish and I would be very upset if my dc had that attitude

That’s the point, though, they’re for the living and it matters to the family. It’s a coming together. This attitude causes unnecessary upset for the living that will outlast the actual day. Saying that funerals are performative crap is a POV, but unfortunately it’s a rather adolescent remark and disrespects the grieving. It has rather less insight into what’s going on than this young man imagines and he flatters himself if he thinks this is a penetrating observation. Performative crap has its place and politeness oils the wheels in relationships.

I do get that, I had family that were very performative at a funeral. I had taken care of this person who's funeral it was, but the funeral quickly because all about those that hadn't been there, and their grief. But I went to pay my respects to my family member, left them lot to it

They both could have handled it better but they're not wrong about performative grieving especially when they know for a fact that none of the people in the room bothered with your mum. As evidenced by the fact she left more inheritance to your son.

I think that it's awful behaviour from your children and his GF, especially given that she has been left money too. Someone obviously said something that pissed them off at the breakfast imo, or they just don't want to face the reality of the funeral. However, either way that is immature and disrespectful and I would be telling my children that it would have meant a lot to her and means a lot to you to attend. The video that they posted was highly insensitive and I suspect that they did it to deliberately antagonise family, most probably in defence for some slight or perceived slight.

But your mother wanted them there so out of respect for her they should go.

He needs to put his feelings aside and attend the funeral which his grandmother had planned. They are grown ups...if they act like this now it's likely they won't attend your funeral.

Wow your kids were rude. And yes, selfish.

I'd want to know what your sister said to your DS before making a judgement.
You say your sister came to you and told you that he wasn't coming to the funeral.

Could she have said something that triggered him?

It sounds like you think his 'rudeness' was out of character so I'd want to know why.

On the other hand, I agree with your DC. Funerals are such performative events.
When my dad died a few years ago his best man, who my mum and dad had not heard from in 45 years, turned up as a primary mourner!!

Only you know your DC.