Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

Except this one does seem to be very performative, given OP’s further posts.

They aren’t the ones being juvenile.

Arrrrghhh - please can people read OP's all posts before jumping in.

Keyboard warriors - ffs

Your kids were incredibly rude and insensitive. They might not agree with a funeral. But it's not about them.

Your sister sounds awful. So sorry op this must be very hard to deal with.
I'd encourage them to rethink and attend or they may regret it. If they want to speak just tell the person running the service, it is not up to your controlling sibling .

Did you read any of the last comments or all OP's comments?
Didn't think so

No it seems to be all about op's bossy sister.

Just seen the update OP. No wonder the situation escalated as it did. I was also under the impression that whoever was making arrangements sorted out people doing speeches ect but I believe it to be wrong to stop your kids reading theirs too. I didn't get any say in my dads funeral and I felt pretty bitter about this for a while as I'd of loved to of said something but there wasn't an offer my way so I accepted that. I hope your sons ok. X

Maybe a difference in religion

But it still didn’t stop him trying to bypass aunt and going straight to the vicar/priest/imam/rabbi etc

They sound socially poorly developed and lacking in tolerance for family dynamics. However it also sounds like your “wonderful” Mum spent a bit too much time bitching about her family to your son and has created this resentment in him. All very awkward.

I saw but it's hard to be put in the middle when one sibling says please do this and another sibling says absolutely not. Especially if the no you can't sibling is dominating the service preparations. The OPs children's choices were (1) to go to the service, ask to speak and maybe cause an argument (which wouldn't be fair on the funeral day), (2) ask the brother to intervene over his sister which is a difficult thing to do when he's also grieving and could also cause family fall-outs, (3) go to the funeral and not speak, (4) not go to the funeral and remember their grandma in a different way. (4) doesn't seem a bad choice to me.

I've always thought that funerals are for the living not the dead. Id be inclined to agree with your son, people will be there to "showcase" their own grief as the doting child/grandchild/second cousin twice removed, be validated in their "grief" despite not giving a monkeys left testicle about the deceased whilst they were alive. Maybe suggest they do their own thing, go for a meal and remember grandma, the good times, the stories and raise a glass privately to her with people who really cared.

Who are "they" and what will they learn?

I did

I read all of the ones where OP says her DS was there much more than her nieces and nephews and own siblings

And the ones where her sister was racist and abusive and rude and dismissive

What makes you think I didn't?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Sometimes we do the performative thing for the benefit of others. We extend a bit of grace because there's more meaning than our own feelings. This is saying goodbye to a loved family member. It's supporting family members through a very difficult event.

I see your son's POV in that he took the time to be there for your mom where other family members didn't bother. But his behaviour at the breakfast made things worse. So he might need a bit of grace extended to him now for making things worse by insensitive behaviour at a very difficult time.

Just saw your last update and I see your mom was taken advantage of financially by some other family so I can really see why your son is so upset. I would go with a private gathering of your own family to honour her.

OP, I'd organise a separate, private gathering for your small family, and anyone she would really have liked to support you (older brother maybe). Share memories, talk about DGM, your son can even use his speech.

Avoid the big funeral with the PA nonsense.

When DMIL died, we just had a drop in where anyone who knew and loved her could pop in, have a drink, tell a story, have a cry if they needed, then go. Low stress, and wonderful for FIL and DH. They only had to be 'on' briefly and everyone who came was doing it for them and DMIL not for 'face'.

I think I mixed you up with one of the other posters and see your comment was the sarcastic one, apologies.

I think your sister has overstepped.

It sounds like her DC rinsed your mother. Are they paying her estate back?

This is for your DC to decide. It sounds alike they were very close. Thai isn't for your sister to decide.

My dad's recent funeral was quite awful in parts. Some people are are all for show. My uncle and cousin pushed their way to the front and sat in the front seats because they were 'immediate family'. He was my dad's BIL and they didn't get along, rarely speaking. For my uncle, it was getting one over the other side of the family. My siblings and our DC were collateral damage.

Oh my goodness @LounSue - what a mess and you must feel terrible.
After hearing your updates, I imagine you will be wanting to support your son and DD and his GF. The reason he gives, sounds like the sort of reason that would be strong enough to make someone walkout. I’m sure he was planning to go before this happened, hence him making the effort to be at the planning meeting.
I hope you can just keep calm tomorrow, and think of your mum and then leave when you can. Hopefully you and your DC can do something to celebrate your mum’s life together at another time. I think it’s important they feel you’re backing them but understand why you are still attending.
i hope you’re ok tomorrow and im sorry for your loss x

I can see why your children don't want to go to the funeral, the rest of your family don't sound very nice, imagine being the ones to actually care for your mum while the others just use her and then being denied the chance to share some memories of her while others talk as if they were the ones close to her.
If you don't mind if they go or not then let it be. Personally, I'd advise my children to go to pay their respects to their nana as it's what she would have wanted and there's a higher chance they will regret not going than going and to not let the rest of your family's nonsense bother them, they know the truth of who was really close to her, nana herself knew the truth and it's shown in the inheritances, to leave some money to DS's gf is generous and unusual and speaks volumes.

If you are okay with them not being there, then that’s final. It’s nobody else’s business.
A funeral is an invitation to turn up it’s not a wedding that requires an RSVP.
As long as your children were good to your mum when she was here that’s all that matters.
I have done this dance around a family funeral it became like a war zone.
I am not having one when it’s my turn.

Money grabbers - but didn’t go to funeral?

Greedy grandadults were happy enough to grab the money your mum left them

£7,500 to the girlfriend?

That’s nuts.

If they really got on surely the girlfriend would go to funeral?

Well this is why he is upset and I don't blame him. I wouldn't go the funeral either. Support your son.

I'd say your sister's behaviour is really inappropriate here. I came to type this before I'd read your update. Your adult children have been treated very poorly by your sister and other members of your family. They are adults and cam make their own decisions, which sound healthy to me. In your shoes, I would tell my sister to mind her own business and stop hating on your DCs.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If your adult children don't want to attend, whatever their reason, that is down to them. It is nothing to do with anyone else. I think you are right to support their decision.

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum, OP, must be very hard..

I think your attitude is very healthy. The funeral is for you, not for your Mum and if you're ok with your children not attending then that's nobody else's business. Your sister has her own circle to grieve with, she doesn't have the right to impinge on yours.

I personally agree with the 'performance' element. I can't tolerate the weeping and wailing from people who attend 'just because' when they did nothing whilst the person was alive.

Monday will be hard for you, I'm sure. I wish you well