I've mad an utter fool of myself

I think just an Instagram message and unfollow him. The whole thing is heightened so underplay it now. In fairness to you, I wish your parents had known not to invite you. It was a lot to expect from you and I would have behaved similarly at your age.

It's not just physical strong people who can ruin someone life.
Refusing nwanted sexual advances can absolute end up in a shitshow ruining life without single physical threat. For men and women. He reacted right at the time imho. He did not know what is happening and IF OP would start with some allegations like him leading her on etc

Op I've behaved shamefully in my life over men - it's never really been about them.

This is about you being fragile/ lonely - not strong in yourself.

Work on building yourself up and becoming someone who doesn't need to go after a clearly inappropriate man

but honestly - it can just be a wake up call for yourself and a step to a better life if you act properly on it.

I think that there isn't much difference when it comes to the issue of violating boundaries and consent. The only difference is that the OP probably couldn't hold down the man and rape him, but she could sexually assault him in a struggle.

But supposing this guy was somehow disabled or something and that meant that he lacks the ability to physically defend himself, then the tables turn.

We should treat women who violated boundaries as seriously as men because people who do such things will find methods of only targeting people when they know they have the upper hand. Either physically or otherwise.

That's why you'll see genuine female sex predators target teenage boys. They wield enough power and authority to totally bypass the need for the boy to use his advanced physical strength to defend himself.

You just know if roles were reversed these comments would be completely different.

That’s too much and will come across as dramatic and performative.

A text (or card, no need for a letter), expressing sincere apologies for your behaviour will come across far more genuinely than unnecessary big gestures.

Yes but it's isn't man-hating. It's almost anti-feminist. People really believe that women are lesser and therefore their actions have less impact. They think women lack the competence to control themselves so "these things happen". The idea that women are weak and fickle has lasted thousands of years and is still alive and well today.

Oh dear, shocking mess, but lots of us mess up. You’ll be OK with some time and distance. At least he lives abroad, so you won’t risk regularly bumping into them.

The honourable thing to do is profusely apologise to all concerned. Say, on reflection, you know you shouldn’t have thought about him as anything other than a friend nor hoped your feelings for him were reciprocated, as that’d be very disrespectful to his gf.

Acknowledge to you parents that you realise this risks affecting their long-standing friendship with his folks. Though, if his parents are good friends to them, they won’t judge or blame them for your behaviour.

Seek counselling to fully get over your feelings for him. Sounds like maybe you never did.

Try to be kind to yourself. Yes it was a bit of a disastrous moment and having your parents witness it is horrid but you can't change what happened. You sound like you have had a hard time and misinterpreted what was going on, probably because you were looking for kindness and he seemed so familiar. Chalk it down to experience. Apologise to all concerned and move on.

You are clearly still in love with him.

What's done is done, obviously you should have went home from the meal.

They'll get over and so will you.

Your mother should have read the room much earlier.

I am sorry that you feel so raw. It's been a long time since my heart was broken.

I remember the pain and emotion.
MIxing alcohol, emotions and sitting opposite my ex and his new love would have crushed me. 💐

The good news is, in a few year's you'll be grateful that you didn't end up with him.

Give yourself time, accept he doesn't love you like you love him.

Take care..

She did not do something 'really bad' she did something really stupid. And I'd say the sam eif she'd been a man. Going in for a kiss is not 'predatory' unless you are literally cornering and coercing the other person in some sort of menacing or manipulative way, or there is an obvious power imbalance (and by that I don't mean simply by being male) or exerting some sort of pressure on the other person, either psychological or physical which you know very well is making them feel uncomfortable.

How are you supposed to know whether you are going to get rebuffed for a kiss until you try? We all hope we are reading the signals right, but we can't always be sure. If everyone was considered 'predatory' the first time they leaned in for a snog we'd all be single forever for fear of being labelled a sex pest. Bloody hell, how did we get here, when something like this is regarded as a sexual assault?

As someone who grew up in a family who always had this kind of drunken drama at Christmas, it will be fine. It's not as bad as it seems. Just send a card to the other parents apologising for your drunken behaviour. Send similar to ex and his partner. Nothing dramatic or from the soul. Just say you were drunk and out of order and that you are sorry. Then get on with your life. It's not that bad.

I would send a bunch of flowers to the girlfriend with a card saying ‘Truly sorry for what happened, I don’t know what came over me. I had too much to drink and I feel like a total idiot. Lucy x’

I’d send another bunch to his mother saying ‘Really sorry for spoiling the night Sue, I feel so stupid and Mum is furious with me. It was my first Christmas on my own and seeing Mark again made me have a wobble. I don’t think the wine helped either. All my fault, won’t happen again. Much Love Lucy x

And maybe fire off a message to him on Instagram saying ‘I feel like such a dick, your girlfriend seems really nice. I’m so sorry, you must think I’m a nutcase. I was struggling a bit over Christmas and totally misread things. Not your fault at all.’ And then I would unfollow him.

Apologise sincerely in writing with no excuses. I agree with pp that you need some serious help. Heavy flirting with someone who is spoken for is never acceptable, and certainly not when his girlfriend is present.

In fairness, you’ve had designs on her boyfriend for several days and then tried to kiss him, if he’d kissed you back and dumped her, and you’d run off into the sunset, you’d have ruined her life and she’d be feeling incredibly sad and vulnerable in a foreign country.

I think you’re stuck in a bit of a victim mentality where you feel so sorry for yourself that you aren’t really seeing that you tried to harm this woman’s relationship and happy life.

She isn’t your parents, or your ex or your parents long term friends who all presumably care for you, she’s a stranger whose life you tried to ruin because you felt sorry for yourself. You don’t get to make her into the bad guy. She’s a normal woman with feelings and probably her own difficult and upsetting past circumstances, your irritation at what she said is unfounded and you need to give her a little bit of grace, if you’re asking for a lorry load of it from everyone yourself.

Absolutely. Though we as a society have made some progression we have definitely regressed in ways at the same time.

So imagine this. A man who has recently divorced bumps into his ex and old family friend in a pub. The ex introduces him to her partner and they chat.

The man leaves feeling there was a spark despite the introduction and the small talk. He then decides to find his ex on social media. He adds her and again, the ex emphasises her partner and makes small talk. The man still reads into this and thinks there is something more.

Then, while drunk at a social function with family and her partner, when she leaves the room, he follows her and makes a pass at her while she is alone in the room. Again, because he believes she's sending him messages that she wants this despite her casual conversation and frequent mentions of her current relationship.

This is bad. It isn't silly or stupid. It's worrying behaviour.

It will be OK. These things happen.

The OP should be sufficiently clear!! FFS YOURSELF.

Yes it’s embarrassing but no lasting harm done except to your self-esteem. You can fix things:

• send a note to his parents apologising for your behaviour at their house and at their invitation. Explain it was out of character etc as pp have suggested.

• send a note to him with a similar apology. No need to send a letter to the girlfriend. You could message via IG but he may have blocked you or may not read it. Better send a physical note if you can.

• Stop all contact with him and unfollow him on social media.

• As others have said: counselling for yourself as you are in a vulnerable place and need some non-judgemental support and a space to process and come to terms with your break up, and get your confidence back.

No

Thank you, I wasn't sure how to read the first post.

I misread too — the thread police are out in force! Some very angry people here today…

I didn't quite get the partner before partner bit.

"Funny how I've never been hated by someone I wanted to swap positions in life with"

That bit I really don’t get? She wants to swap places with you?? 😵‍💫