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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I've mad an utter fool of myself

306 replies

Cloes · 27/01/2025 08:17

So I'm 30 now, I have a 2 year old DC, my partner left me for another woman 8 months ago and I haven't been myself since. Before my partner I had a long term relationship, he left me as he felt our lifestyles didn't match. We broke up when I was 25 and he was 24 after being together for 4.5 years.

Soon after the break up he moved abroad. Anyway this Christmas I went with my family for a post dinner drink at the pub and he happened to be there, with his girlfriend and his family. We chatted for like 30 minutes, nothing over the top just about life, he introduced me to his girlfriend.
After I left I was so confused, I felt like the spark was still there but equally I was worried I was misinterpreting the situation. So I found his instagram and sent a follow request, he accepted and I messaged saying how nice it was to see him. We continued messaging, honestly upon reflection his replies were very dry but I wasn't reading it like that. He did mention his girlfriend a lot but for some reason I still decided to try and flirt.

Skip ahead, yesterday I was visiting my parents and they told me they were going out with his parents for dinner. This is normal my parents and his parents were friends long before we were born and have maintained the friendship. My mum decided to ask if it would be okay if I joined them, they said yes. When I arrived I realised that my ex and his girlfriend were also there. I found the meal really difficult, seeing him all loved up with her made me feel sick and I just didn't know how to act, I must have seemed so off.

We then went back to his from some after dinner wine, I was pretty drunk by this point and he went to get another bottle from the kitchen, I decided to follow him, I don't know why or what I was expecting. I then took it upon myself to try and kiss him, he immediately pushed me back and asked me wtf I was doing and if I had lost my mind. I started sobbing in the kitchen and he went and immediately told his girlfriend.
Next thing she came through and I was still crying and she asked me what I did that for. I said I don't know and just got increasingly upset. She isn't British and has a heavy accent at times so I struggled to understand her but I eventually said something like "I don't know I guess I'm just jealous cause you're beautiful and have him and I don't" and then I muttered under my breath "I hate you". She quickly replied to that with "Funny how I've never been hated by someone I wanted to swap positions in life with" or something like that and walked away. By this time he must of told his parents and his parents must have suggested to my parents we leave so my mum came and got me and said let's go.
When we got home my mum went mad asking if I've lost my mind or if I'm trying to sabotage her friendship and their relationship.

I got a can back to mine and I spoke to some friends, i genuinely believed that he was into me from the messages but other friends have now seen screenshots and all told me it was totally in my head and he was mentioning his girlfriend every few messages.

AIBU to just want to be swallowed whole by the earth, I'm so embarrassed and this is very out of character for me. I have a career and friends and a normal life I'm not crazy. How do I recover from this, my friends think I've lost my mind, my parents are clearly upset with me. What do I do?

OP posts:
ThreeCheersFor5Years · 27/01/2025 09:42

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Doloresparton · 27/01/2025 09:42

@Cloes even if the guy did like you would you really stoop so low as to kiss him with his gf in the next room.
Would you want a bf who was prepared to do that?

So it doesn’t matter that you read the signals wrong your behaviour was awful.

BeLilacSloth · 27/01/2025 09:42

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So you believe the police should have been called?

FindingGlimmers · 27/01/2025 09:43

Doloresparton · 27/01/2025 09:42

@Cloes even if the guy did like you would you really stoop so low as to kiss him with his gf in the next room.
Would you want a bf who was prepared to do that?

So it doesn’t matter that you read the signals wrong your behaviour was awful.

Think she knows that, to be fair.

JustAskingThisQ · 27/01/2025 09:44

sweetpickle2 · 27/01/2025 09:26

I don't think anyone is calling it a minor mistake? Just saying that there is no point in the OP beating themselves up about it forever.

Edited

Lots of people have commented that everyone makes mistakes and things like that. I just can't imagine anyone encouraging a man to see such an incident in that light. Some people would be telling him how legally risky his behaviour was to himself, while others would be judging how safe he is around others.

ThreeCheersFor5Years · 27/01/2025 09:45

BeLilacSloth · 27/01/2025 09:42

So you believe the police should have been called?

I never said that? Why are you making random stuff up? It’s like that meme “I like pancakes.” “Oh so you HATE waffles” ffs.

The guy handled it appropriately, probably recognising that OP has had a difficult time of it.

Why are you defending the actions of OP so much? As a PP said, she shouldn’t be infantilised because she is a woman. What she did was very wrong and yes she should feel ashamed. But she should also use this as a lesson learnt and move on.

BunnyLake · 27/01/2025 09:46

Posters blaming him for having the audacity to be cordial and friendly to OP (after a lifetime of knowing each other) are as bad as the ones on the other thread blaming the woman for being friends with a man who overstepped boundaries.

I agree with sending a text, I honestly don’t see the point in a handwritten letter or flowers.

XiCi · 27/01/2025 09:46

PandoraFrontier · 27/01/2025 08:21

It sounds like you’re really struggling mentally at the moment with being lonely OP.

honestly I think the best thing to do is recognise it, and focus on yourself a bit to get your confidence up.

I would message him apologising. Just say the truth, you’ve had a hard time recently you’d had too much to drink and you’re sorry for involving him in your mess, you wish him the best and then move on. Unfollow him, don’t socialise with him again. It’ll soon get forgotten.

Totally agree. Please don't send a letter and flowers OP. It's far too intense, just too much. A short apology like the one mentioned above would be far more appropriate.

zoemum2006 · 27/01/2025 09:46

I'm sorry but there is a MASSIVE difference between a man and a woman doing this!! I mean c'mon!!

Men are bigger, stronger and with millennia of history of raping and beating women as pretty standard behaviour across the entire globe!!

FFS!!

ServantsGonnaServe · 27/01/2025 09:46

Wait, he's the father of you kid, he moved abroad, and he happened to be in the pub and hadn't contacted you in advance to see his kid?

KarlaKK · 27/01/2025 09:47

ServantsGonnaServe · 27/01/2025 09:46

Wait, he's the father of you kid, he moved abroad, and he happened to be in the pub and hadn't contacted you in advance to see his kid?

FFS read the thread!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/01/2025 09:47

A huge hand written apology to everyone involved - his girlfriend, him and his parents.

a huge bunch of flowers delivered to his girlfriend, it doesn't matter if you don't know her address - send it to his parents.

I expect you have already deleted yourself from all his social media.

ThreeCheersFor5Years · 27/01/2025 09:47

ServantsGonnaServe · 27/01/2025 09:46

Wait, he's the father of you kid, he moved abroad, and he happened to be in the pub and hadn't contacted you in advance to see his kid?

No. RTFT.

Mulledjuice · 27/01/2025 09:47

I read somewhere that one of the reasons we try to get back with old flames is because we have low self-esteem and think we would be happier were it not for one wrong decision we made back in the past, rather than having optimism and confidence in our future judgement.

Your happiness the millions of decisions you make every day from here on into the future. It's not in the past.

JustAskingThisQ · 27/01/2025 09:47

BeLilacSloth · 27/01/2025 09:42

So you believe the police should have been called?

That's up to the victim.

However, I think people around the OP could give some social repercussions for her inappropriate behaviour. If a male family member or a friend behaved this way towards another member of a social event, what would you do?

I think at the very least, I couldn't invite them to more social events knowing they have the propensity for such behaviour.

Connected1 · 27/01/2025 09:47

ServantsGonnaServe · 27/01/2025 09:46

Wait, he's the father of you kid, he moved abroad, and he happened to be in the pub and hadn't contacted you in advance to see his kid?

I despair at people's reading comprehension

BunnyLake · 27/01/2025 09:48

ServantsGonnaServe · 27/01/2025 09:46

Wait, he's the father of you kid, he moved abroad, and he happened to be in the pub and hadn't contacted you in advance to see his kid?

Huh? What thread are you reading?

HolyStyleFailBatman · 27/01/2025 09:48

I feel for you OP it’s a horrible situation. The only way out of it is to throw yourself on their mercy and be completely honest. I’d go with writing a card to him and his girlfriend, and a separate one to his parents, briefly explaining the context and apologising.
Maybe call your parents and explain to them as well, hopefully they will forgive and support you immediately, unless they’re not brilliant parents. That’ll help you feel better about the whole thing. You may even laugh about it some day, but if not, it absolutely will fade as time goes on, and you’ll be wiser for it.

AnonymousBleep · 27/01/2025 09:48

zoemum2006 · 27/01/2025 09:46

I'm sorry but there is a MASSIVE difference between a man and a woman doing this!! I mean c'mon!!

Men are bigger, stronger and with millennia of history of raping and beating women as pretty standard behaviour across the entire globe!!

FFS!!

Exactly. When men do this, the reason it's predatory and scary is because they could force you to go along with it. There isn't that power dynamic the other way around.

It was embarrassing but it wasn't sexual assault.

FindingGlimmers · 27/01/2025 09:49

ThreeCheersFor5Years · 27/01/2025 09:45

I never said that? Why are you making random stuff up? It’s like that meme “I like pancakes.” “Oh so you HATE waffles” ffs.

The guy handled it appropriately, probably recognising that OP has had a difficult time of it.

Why are you defending the actions of OP so much? As a PP said, she shouldn’t be infantilised because she is a woman. What she did was very wrong and yes she should feel ashamed. But she should also use this as a lesson learnt and move on.

The guy handled it appropriately, probably recognising that OP has had a difficult time of it

What are you basing this on?

AnonymousBleep · 27/01/2025 09:50

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/01/2025 09:47

A huge hand written apology to everyone involved - his girlfriend, him and his parents.

a huge bunch of flowers delivered to his girlfriend, it doesn't matter if you don't know her address - send it to his parents.

I expect you have already deleted yourself from all his social media.

God don't send the woman flowers. That would make the OP look even more mad and tragic than she does already (sorry OP!)

Just apologise in a normal way, via text, then delete all contacts and move on.

Pancakeorcrepe · 27/01/2025 09:50

Oh OP!
I think you really need to think about your behaviour. You are still minimising a lot what you did. Talking about how hurt the girlfriend’s comment made you feel? You have been campaigning to get her boyfriend since the Christmas drinks and followed on by physically pouncing on her boyfriend in her own home with her in the next room. Wtaf!
You say that you thought he was flirting back on Instagram, that doesn’t take away the fact that you knew he has a girlfriend. What were you doing flirting with him, regardless if he flirted back or not?
Please apologise to them and move on. Chat to your friends and lay off dating and flirting for a decent time. And no drinking. I’m surprised you have time for all this drama with a very young baby and sorting through a divorce.

3luckystars · 27/01/2025 09:50

Making a pass to kiss someone when you are drunk is not a sexual assault in this description.

Ceecee2422 · 27/01/2025 09:50

ForZanyAquaViewer · 27/01/2025 08:21

You apologise profusely to everyone concerned, get some counselling and stop drinking.

I agree with this………

Crazybaby123 · 27/01/2025 09:51

It's ok, it seems everyone concerned cares about you. The girlfriend took it quite well and seems like a decent person. Apologise to her and the boyfriend together, quickly. Then apologise to the parents and your parents. Explain you haven't been feeling yourself since the break up of your dcs dad. Be humble, be open and ask your parents for help.