To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

Plenty of people have shared on here in the past that getting out of a bad marriage where the husband was a dead weight is better than having a man child around. So it depends:

Husband who pulls his weight > Single parent

Husband who contributes nothing < Single parent

My own personal experience was that being divorced was far easier! My ex husband was like a petulant third child wearing me down and creating an atmosphere in the house. Once I didn’t have that anymore I had a much calmer happier household and yes I did get every other weekend “off” which I won’t lie was lovely and gave me the opportunity to really find myself again and do things that I enjoyed

If he won't listen he has to feel.

Stop washing, cleaning and cooking for him.

No sex as he doesn't see you as equal so why should you.

OP, I really feel for you here. Is there anything you can do to get DH to pull his weight a bit more? It just seems relentless if you have to do everything.
Even if it feels like it temporarily impacts the kids, I'd sit him down and say you're not prepared to do every pick up and drop off and so here's his assignment.

And then sit back and do not step in. If he forgets then so be it (unless school obviously).
Or tell him that he's in charge of 2 x family meals and his days are Friday and Tuesday and then just let him solve it. Don't step in and try not to care if it's nuggets and chips every time.
You can't do it all.

@Adventurebayholiday I think the issue here is you are now in a position where you feel you have to defend yourself and you are responding to the people with judgemental responses rather focussing on the people sending you empathy and suggestions. Ignore the others, you don’t need to prove anything to strangers on the internet and you will always get people on mumsnet who will have their own things going on in their life that is colouring the lens in which they read your post and their reaponses. Don’t feed the beast and focus on the helpful posts ❤️

I missed 50% of my kids growing up because I split from a coercive controlling and abusive husband. Whilst I had freedom when the children were with him, it doesn’t take away the fact I would have preferred to spend my time, as their mother, with them.

Yeah I tend to agree with you @Adventurebayholiday from my perspective. I co parent 50:50 so yeah I get every second weekend and every Monday and Tuesday night to myself. I works for me. I have my own wage which can support my house. It’s tight though! I am always on top of my housework and when I have my dc I can give them 100% of my attention.
My Job has flexi time so I drop my dc to school on Thursday and Friday mornings and collect them from afterschool on weds, Thurs and every second Friday. I can wfh too so that makes it easier. So yeah for me it works, though I miss them a lot when I’m not with and that sucks.

Yes, I think OP is underestimating how hard she would find having a child returned with a bag of wet clothes and thier skin smelling of dried urine as he doesn't actually sort it properly and do the washing, he just pats the kid dry and shoves the clothes in a going home bag. Or how upsetting getting an over tired child back is, who now rejects your food as dad is better, and how upsetting it is when school say your chikd was sleepy/ agitated after being at ex's. Even though its not your fault.

If he really would step up and do a proper job then it's different and I totally see why it would be a break. I remember feeling so desperate for a few days silence in my nice clean home.

Do you still like and respect your husband?
How old are the children?

I totally get what you’re saying, you want a mental break from everything. If you went out for the day and came home to a clean, tidy house with bathed children in bed. That’s the thing. And not having to ask for it. Which is probably what your husband gets all the time.

It does get easier as they get older, but the fact your partner isn’t helping you is sad and would make me question everything.

So I'm separated and my ex has the two youngest for 3 nights a week and the elder two 1 night a week.

I spend my 1 day 'off' answering texts and calls from my dc.
Just because they are not with me doesn't stop me being a mum and doing all the 'family admin'.
I miss my dc when they are not with me also.
Oh and the financial burden is all on me so it's not the great deal you think it is.
I would love to have my family all together (if my ex wasn't a cheating asshole 🙄)

My husband walked out on me, 2 kids and 2 cats nearly 3 yrs ago for an ow. Totally blindsided me. I have them 100% of the time as he's left his children feeling abandoned and angry/depressed. Be careful what you wish for.

I actually agree with you.

I've been in the following positions:

1. Doing it all, useless DH at home but either working or with his mates and having to ask if I wanted so much as to go to the gym
2. Useless DH away for work. Back one weekend in 2. Actually worked much better as I had more "grounds" to put my foot down and get away for some me time on weekends he was here
3. Separation. Had all of every other weekend and one weeknight all to myself. Went to an art class, saw my friends. Used to doing all the kid related admin so that wasn't a burden compared to 1 and 2.

Obviously with an involved partner, parenting is much better. But a fairly amicable separation with a co parenting arrangement? Beats options 1 and 2 hands down.

My life was brilliant after we separated. I've never regretted it.

And my children were happier too so bonus.

I get what you mean and I sometimes feel like that... but there are all the cons to being separated as well. It's not just that you get a bit of free childcare. I mean you are lucky if you get that tbh be cause some people's exes are shite and barely see the kids.. some make ridiculous demands for times they want them..
I mean yeah if you were one of the few lucky people in the world who had a lovely amicable divorce with a really kind generous wealthy man who Co parented really well, you coukd still both afford lovely houses, he literally just mived a few streets away abd allowed you to stay in the famoly home....and literally the only impact on you abd the kids was that you had a few child free days a week..
Then yes that would be quite good.
But literally no one has that in reality do they?

In my case, definitely, much, much better now we're separate a co-parenting. During the week, I'm exhausted from work plus evening routine (and lack of sleep due to perimenopause etc.). Most weekends I get Friday and Saturday evenings free. I work at home on Saturdays (as school run etc. mean less time during the week). Ex DP has DS Fri-Sun and takes him to clubs, does homework with him, washes uniform and brings it back ready for Monday.

We cooperate. We argue, of course, too, over logistics, but generally it works.

Being a lone parent must be relentless and very, very hard. Being in a marriage/relationship where the other adult isn't pulling his (/her, rarely) weight must be so lonely.

Grass is always greener….

I do pretty much have that except actually very little money and ex lives 45 minutes' bus journey away. We get on each other's nerves a bit, but manage amicably enough. I agree there's often an uncooperative ex making it difficult, though, in many cases.

Sometimes, it actually is though...

I agree, in situations where there is a decent split and the other parent steps up. I have a few friends in that position and they have vastly more childfree time than I do. Even if my DH is "in charge" of the kids for 24 hours it's not the same freedom you get if they are in a different house and not really your responsibility to the same degree. I love my kids but wow would I love a regular and complete break from it all sometimes.

You're right. It's easier without a dead weight at home, and if you get days free, that's much better than being married. Source: me and dozens of my friends.

Yes! I love it. And everyone's happy so win win