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AIBU?

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Original poster

Shouted at by male midwife mid panic attack

376 replies

ThisBrickWriter · 16/10/2024 12:05

Hi all,

Yesterday, I attended the Early Pregnancy Unit for a suspected miscarriage. Due to complex PTSD from a violent sexual assault, I generally can't see male providers without prior notice, and sometimes only with my husband present in regards to female examinations. This has never been an issue. At my usual hospital, this is flagged on my chart to avoid misunderstandings and so I don’t need to explain. However, since I was bleeding, my midwife recommended I go to a closer hospital, where I’d been seen before (without any issues). I take it on board I should have mentioned it, however as I’d been seen before in the unit only a few weeks before and I’d only seen women providers. Again, I accept this was my mistake.

Unfortunately, when I entered the exam room, the midwife was male. I immediately panicked and explained that I didn’t know there would be a man present. He seemed visibly offended and dismissive, telling me to leave the room in an upset tone. Despite being visibly distressed and bleeding from a miscarriage, I ended up trying to comfort him by explaining my history. The situation escalated with him shouting at me, and none of the nurses intervened. They blocked the door and wouldn’t allow me to leave.

I was able to get out and to the reception, where I requested to speak to someone in charge so they could help. The male midwife followed me and continued shouting, saying I had verbally attacked him. He even told me to "get over myself" and shared that he also had a history of panic disorder. I felt utterly humiliated and helpless. Eventually, the lead midwife took me to a quiet room, but no one apologized or acknowledged his behavior.

What’s most upsetting is that during both a miscarriage and after sharing my trauma history, I was shown no compassion or sensitivity by this midwife, which is the complete opposite of the amazing care I’ve always received from the NHS, especially during feminine examinations.

I’m considering filing a formal complaint, but I’m worried it won’t be taken seriously. I was later told that others on the unit are afraid of this man and won’t speak up. I went to PALS, and they advised I file a formal complaint with the hospital, but I'm unsure if it will actually lead to any action.

I’m not entirely sure what outcome I want to see, except that I believe the midwife should have shown more compassion in such a sensitive situation. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Will my complaint be taken seriously, and where is the best place to escalate it?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 16/10/2024 12:08

PALS for this one. He sounds like he was being defensive. Should never have shared anything about his own medical history as an excuse for poor behaviour. Very unprofessional. No wonder you felt unsafe.

Bushmillsbabe · 16/10/2024 12:08

I'm so sorry for your terrible experience, and your loss.

This is completly unacceptable, please make a complaint to the hospital and if after this you do not feel it had been proper handled, can make a complaint to the NMC around poor professional behaviour

FionnulaTheCooler · 16/10/2024 12:10

File the complaint. He was completely unprofessional, his issues are not your problem and he should not have shouted at you or tried to prevent you from leaving the room. He needs retraining around trauma responses.

scoped · 16/10/2024 12:15

Talk to your local Maternity & Neonatal Voices Partnership- they can support you to explore this and get some resolution. They're independent but specific to Maternity so will know who to talk to.

phoenixrosehere · 16/10/2024 12:16

Definitely report.

I had to report about care I received with my first and it wasn’t until I was pregnant with my second two years later that I was told that one of the people involved had to retire early because of complaints they had received about them from patients and other staff who had been present. Better late than never, but it doesn’t take away from the harm they caused vulnerable pregnant women.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 16/10/2024 12:17

Report to the NMC.

Someone that fragile and unwilling to put their ego aside to ensure a woman receives appropriate care has no business working in midwifery.

GabriellaMontez · 16/10/2024 12:17

What a disgrace. Report him while it's all fresh in your mind.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 16/10/2024 12:18

Please do complain. You shouldn't have been treated this way and nothing will change unless you complain

AlertCat · 16/10/2024 12:18

Absolutely you are not being unreasonable, this is appalling, unprofessional behaviour and that midwife needs a really thorough discussion of why it’s unacceptable to shout at patients and bring up your own history as an excuse! Definitely report- and after all, every example can be used to help prevent it happening to someone else.

HiCandles · 16/10/2024 12:19

Gosh I'm so sorry, what a horrendous experience, at such an awful time. I'm very sorry about your miscarriage.
You should never ever be shouted at by any member of healthcare staff (or anyone) or made to feel like you did. I presume his reaction was because many female patients have refused to see him and it's annoying to him however that is absolutely not your problem, you're allowed to decline care from someone you don't feel comfortable with, and there shouldn't be any problem with that.
Definitely complain to PALS, about him but also the other staff who didn't intervene.
I think one outcome you're after would be that he is instructed he must accept with good grace when someone declines to see him, and organise a replacement promptly. Also that he is educated that women in EPAU need compassion and kindness, arguably more than other areas in the hospital, and that you never know someone's history and reason for declining a man. If he can't do that he shouldn't be working there. These kind of complaints can help build cases if the person is causing repeated issues.
I'd be surprised, though, if he was actually a midwife given that EPAU tend to be staffed by gynae nurses and doctors and sonographers. Midwifery and obstetrics would normally take over from roughly 17-20 weeks in obs assessment units, but it's hospital dependent.
When you say exam room, was it for a scan ie sonographer? Or physical exam ie probably doctor but could be nurse? It doesn't make a difference in terms of his horrific behaviour of course but just for you getting the terminology right in the complaint so they can identify this appalling individual (I'm presuming you couldn't get his name in the midst of all that going on).

Original poster
ThisBrickWriter · 16/10/2024 12:22

HiCandles · 16/10/2024 12:19

Gosh I'm so sorry, what a horrendous experience, at such an awful time. I'm very sorry about your miscarriage.
You should never ever be shouted at by any member of healthcare staff (or anyone) or made to feel like you did. I presume his reaction was because many female patients have refused to see him and it's annoying to him however that is absolutely not your problem, you're allowed to decline care from someone you don't feel comfortable with, and there shouldn't be any problem with that.
Definitely complain to PALS, about him but also the other staff who didn't intervene.
I think one outcome you're after would be that he is instructed he must accept with good grace when someone declines to see him, and organise a replacement promptly. Also that he is educated that women in EPAU need compassion and kindness, arguably more than other areas in the hospital, and that you never know someone's history and reason for declining a man. If he can't do that he shouldn't be working there. These kind of complaints can help build cases if the person is causing repeated issues.
I'd be surprised, though, if he was actually a midwife given that EPAU tend to be staffed by gynae nurses and doctors and sonographers. Midwifery and obstetrics would normally take over from roughly 17-20 weeks in obs assessment units, but it's hospital dependent.
When you say exam room, was it for a scan ie sonographer? Or physical exam ie probably doctor but could be nurse? It doesn't make a difference in terms of his horrific behaviour of course but just for you getting the terminology right in the complaint so they can identify this appalling individual (I'm presuming you couldn't get his name in the midst of all that going on).

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply.

he was a certified midwife specialist- I thought it said CNS, but when giving me my miscarriage support materials it states on the form he’s a specialist midwife.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisBrickWriter · 16/10/2024 12:23

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. I was very worried to post this. I will reply to all a bit more after I get my toddler to bed. Just wanted to say thank you again

OP posts:
LostTheMarble · 16/10/2024 12:28

Absolutely complain. Yes it must be difficult for him knowing he may be turned away for doing the job he’s trained for, but when it comes to female healthcare it’s simply tough shit. He had no right to speak to you in this manner and needs to be reprimanded.

UnderstandablyDisappointed · 16/10/2024 12:29

I second suggestions about contacting Maternity & Neonatal Voices because they will support you.

lunar1 · 16/10/2024 12:30

I'm so sorry you went through this, I would definitely follow up with a complaint.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 16/10/2024 12:30

Wow that’s awful

complain and see if you can change hospital

how dare he make this all about himself

dickdarstardlymuttley · 16/10/2024 12:30

I am horrified by your experience. It's completely unacceptable. The Nursing and Midwifery Council (NMC) have a code of professional standards:
Prioritise People
Practice Effectively
Preserve Safety
Promote Professionalism and Trust
Please complain to PALS and the Chief Nursing Officer and the NMC.
Given your underlying PTSD your care plan should reflective of your specific needs Flowers

MissyB1 · 16/10/2024 12:37

Don't bother with Pals. Write to the CEO of the hospital (name will be on the website), and send a separate copy to the Complaints department.

needsomewarmsunshine · 16/10/2024 12:38

Sorry to hear of your experience of course. It is very concerning that other staff wouldn't stand up for you and that they didn't appear to want to intervine.
He sounds a regular problem with a massive chip on his shoulder.

Monstermunch10 · 16/10/2024 12:38

Yes absolutely complain
And keep complaining untill something is done

Codlingmoths · 16/10/2024 12:38

You should definitely complain. I did with a midwife I saw with my first. She was just horrible, told me sickness was completely normal and my bmi was healthy when I told her my concerns, I pointed out I was losing over a pound a day and my bmi was 18.5 and had been 20 a week earlier so it wasn’t going to be healthy tomorrow was it, and cried a bit. Her notes said ‘patient tearful, I reassured her’ then she told me the hospital pharmacy had chewable pregnancy vitamins so we trekked to it to be told nobody gets anything from the hospital pharmacy without a prescription and they didnt have them anyway, it’s no joke to walk ages through buildings when you’ve barely eaten in weeks. I complained and they said I wouldn’t have to see her again. And I highlighted half her notes and wrote LIES in black marker 😂

Codlingmoths · 16/10/2024 12:39

I didn’t go to pals, just the maternal fetak health unit, they were very receptive.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2024 12:43

I’m so so sorry for your horrible experience. I had dealings with a complete prick of a male midwife in different circumstances, he kept talking over me and asking my husband questions.

I wouldn’t pin your hopes on PALS, follow the good advice on here about better routes to complain and take it as high as you can. Women deserve better.

valentinka31 · 16/10/2024 12:44

ThisBrickWriter · 16/10/2024 12:05

Hi all,

Yesterday, I attended the Early Pregnancy Unit for a suspected miscarriage. Due to complex PTSD from a violent sexual assault, I generally can't see male providers without prior notice, and sometimes only with my husband present in regards to female examinations. This has never been an issue. At my usual hospital, this is flagged on my chart to avoid misunderstandings and so I don’t need to explain. However, since I was bleeding, my midwife recommended I go to a closer hospital, where I’d been seen before (without any issues). I take it on board I should have mentioned it, however as I’d been seen before in the unit only a few weeks before and I’d only seen women providers. Again, I accept this was my mistake.

Unfortunately, when I entered the exam room, the midwife was male. I immediately panicked and explained that I didn’t know there would be a man present. He seemed visibly offended and dismissive, telling me to leave the room in an upset tone. Despite being visibly distressed and bleeding from a miscarriage, I ended up trying to comfort him by explaining my history. The situation escalated with him shouting at me, and none of the nurses intervened. They blocked the door and wouldn’t allow me to leave.

I was able to get out and to the reception, where I requested to speak to someone in charge so they could help. The male midwife followed me and continued shouting, saying I had verbally attacked him. He even told me to "get over myself" and shared that he also had a history of panic disorder. I felt utterly humiliated and helpless. Eventually, the lead midwife took me to a quiet room, but no one apologized or acknowledged his behavior.

What’s most upsetting is that during both a miscarriage and after sharing my trauma history, I was shown no compassion or sensitivity by this midwife, which is the complete opposite of the amazing care I’ve always received from the NHS, especially during feminine examinations.

I’m considering filing a formal complaint, but I’m worried it won’t be taken seriously. I was later told that others on the unit are afraid of this man and won’t speak up. I went to PALS, and they advised I file a formal complaint with the hospital, but I'm unsure if it will actually lead to any action.

I’m not entirely sure what outcome I want to see, except that I believe the midwife should have shown more compassion in such a sensitive situation. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Will my complaint be taken seriously, and where is the best place to escalate it?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

I can't bear to think of how dreadfully traumatic this must have been for you, and I am so sorry it has happened, and for your loss 💐

I also can't bear to think of how many other women must have suffered at his hands, at the most vulnerable moment of their lives. Please, please fully report this incident. This man is no midwife. He needs to be removed from practice as soon as possible.

mumonthehill · 16/10/2024 12:44

I have huge regrets that I did not complain about a male doctor when I gave birth and was then re admitted with a PPH. He was horrible, and rude on both occasions. Please report, you will feel better if you do and I am so sorry you have been through this.