Shouted at by male midwife mid panic attack

Dogs and cats are able to have stipulated “no male applicants/owners” when rehoming due to past trauma beatings and assaults by men, but adult human females don’t have the same rights as dogs. Insane.

Goodness me OP, I'm so sorry for all that you've been through on top of your terrible loss.
You must feel so traumatised by all this.
I agree you should definitely complain - it's absolutely unacceptable that this male midwife treated you this way. His behaviour sounds shocking and on top of that, no-one else appeared to offer you the support you needed.
He shouldn't be anywhere near patients if he can't centre their needs (and trauma, past and present) and put his own ridiculously inappropriate sensitivities aside. Sounds like he runs the place like his own little kingdom, and nobody stands up to him.
Sending you hugs and support.

So do I.

I had a male obstetrician, absolutely lovely bloke. Wouldn’t fancy a male midwife though.

ok so now you’ve had the reality check, I would begin progressing the complaint whilst still fresh.

Forget PALs, they're mostly ineffective on that it's volunteers with very little sway.

I personally would see a solicitor.

That is gross misconduct, not just him but the staff who actively tried to prevent you leaving whilst he shouted at you.

I'm absolutely disgusted for you. At your most vulnerable anyway in the middle of a miscarriage, you get treated like that due to previous violence from a male, by a male in a position of trust? No, he needs sacking, immediately.

I am so upset for you @ThisBrickWriter you need to seriously take this as high as possible.

I have not experienced the trauma that you experienced and there is zero chance I would want a male midwife even at the best of times. Weird and shouldn’t be allowed. I think back to the things my midwife helped me with - literally milking me, looking at my lochia, helping with breastfeeding, helping me to get dressed and undressed - and you have to question why a man would choose that career over another type of nursing. He has got a nerve being offended by ANY woman not wanting to be ‘cared for’ by him, let alone one going through trauma caused by a man.

He even told me to "get over myself" and shared that he also had a history of panic disorder. I felt utterly humiliated and helpless. Eventually, the lead midwife took me to a quiet room, but no one apologized or acknowledged his behavior.

FORMAL COMPLAINT.

Do not pass go. Do not feel the need to justify. Do not feel you are in any way being unreasonable.

You said no. This is a consent issue.

You explained why.

He then tried to make it all about you, humilated you and tried to intimidate you.

This is not ok.

I had a male midwife wave a hand at me and dismissively say “yes labour hurts” when I was explaining how much quicker and more intense the pain was. I had given birth the year before so knew it was different.
He sent me to a waiting room, where I gave birth with only my husband to help.

I wish I had reported him.

So please, please report him. Don’t regret letting him get away with treating women so poorly like I did.

I understand but perhaps your history won't have to be brought into it
WHY this horrible man was abusive is not relevant, you have a right to a female medical professional whatever your history and it sounds like his actions would be unacceptable even to those of us lucky enough not to be suffering from trauma
Please don't feel you have to justify how you behaved, you did nothing wrong

My suggestion is as follows:

Contact PALS but copy in the Chief Nurse of the Trust, pp said to copy in the CEO but having worked in exec offices in a trust before these complaints tend to go in the direction of the chief nurse who has overall exec responsibility for Midwifery.

I absolutely second contacting your local MVP, this service is absolutely designed for those who have had experiences like yours.

I'm so sorry that you went through this at what was and is such a traumatic time. There's no excuse.

https://www.nursingtimes.net/news/professional-regulation/male-nurses-more-likely-to-be-sanctioned-by-nmc-06-07-2010/

A male nurse or midwife is four times as likely as a female to be sanctioned by the Nursing and Midwifery Council, fitness to practice data shows.

Every time that I've had health care recently, it was shocking.

I was in an ambulance in severe pain, and one of the male ambulance worker's sexually harassed me, and talked about his penis.

If I'd have been in a bigger city, I would have reported him.

Sadly , i live in a small town and I know his family to see. And I know his friends to see . And i just know that they would make my life a misery if I reported him.

Disgusting

Black or male professionals more likely to be referred to NMC | Nursing in Practice

A much more recent article with a very different tone

I'm actually getting more and more angry on your behalf. He centred himself ahead of his patient. I think your body quite correctly 'read' him as unsafe. He deserves a complaint and it may help others.

what? are you in the UK?

I don’t wish to dispute this. However, I will point out that the overwhelming majority hopefully do not. I have personal experience of being treated by male gynaecologists. They definitely weren’t there to traumatise women. The first was a gynaecologist in Brussels, where ivf icsi was developed (by a man). He was working at Brussels university hospital at the time and involved in the pioneering work. The second performed a hysterectomy on me. Both men couldn’t have been more attentive and respectful.

I am sorry this man treated you abysmally op. I hope that you are able to get past this terrible treatment and feel strong enough to complain. Sadly a lot of men really don’t get how powerful and intimidating they can be.

Yes

Honestly this whole unit sounds toxic and perhaps intimidated by him.

the idea of this ambulance worker still being out there 😞

Have you legal advice attached to your home insurance?
If so, give them a ring.
Do you know a solicitor?
If so contact them.

You poor woman.

I genuinely think that some people go into nursing to feel power over sick people
.
#notallnurses. But some.

But a lot of people have told me that there had really bad experiences with nurses lately.

1. My brother went into hospital seriously ill. He told me that one of the nurses laughed at him.

1. My cousin recently gave birth. She told me that one of the nurses was so abusive to her that she wanted to complain.

1. My colleage was recently in hospital. She told me tha she refused to take medication, and the nurse physically forced medication down her throat. She has submitted a complaint against that nurse.

God I hate how offended some male healthcare workers can get when women aren’t comfortable with them.
When a fifth of women have experience of SA from males is it ANY wonder that it’s going to be frequent and common for women to only want female care? (And even without history of SA it’s perfectly understandable for a woman not to feel comfortable)

I also see other women shaming those for not wanting males involved in intimate care, it’s grim.