MIL and her priorities!

Honestly, after living through the absolute hell that is dementia and caring for her husband I think she's earned the right to prioritise her own needs and wants for a bit.

The affair isn't ideal, but the situation isn't ideal.

I’m kinda on MILs side too here. Why should your child be her priority? Your child is your priority. Grandparents have their own lives. Grandparents should be the icing on the cake, not the whole cake.

Maybe if you accepted her choices then she’d be around more. She’s not abusive or dangerous she’s probably just grieving and not handling it very well. Maybe try and see her point in this.

My mother died a horrible death from a prolonged illness and my father was dating within 6 weeks. He wanted to discuss the pros and cons of various women with me.

when I came to visit him a only a few weeks after her death, women were stopping him in the street to flirt with him in front of me. It was outrageous. It was a small town and he was a wealthy widower. He was a prize catch.

it is also textbook behavior. people who have been in very long marriages and are elderly tend to re-partner very, almost shockingly quickly.

Thankfully I did some reading up before my mother died so I was ready. My sibling and I even engaged in some dark humor and discussed the pros and cons of various types of relationships he might choose.

as angry and hurtful as the behavior feels to us, we have to step back and let them live their life . Imagine losing your spouse. Imagine being alone at a stage in life when you already feel
vulnerable .

im not suggesting you welcome
the new boyfriend into your home as grandpa. Even if a boyfriend becomes a partner, you don’t have to have anything more than a cursory relationship.

what you can do is let go of your anger. You can accept that she is a human being who was lonely and scared. You can accept that she lost her husband long before he actually died. She is still grieving his loss, but she has felt it more keenly than you have for much longer than you have.

My mid-70's FIL has done something similar. Many years of caring for MIL, needed full time care for about 10 years.

As soon as she passed, FIL was on with her BF (& quickly married) & apart from calling DH to do all his life admin, we never hear from him. DH has to chase him & he shows zero interest in our DC.

I suppose he's trying to live life while he can, put himself first after being selfless for years & have some companionship.

It peeves me he ignores the DC, but he pays the price as DC can't be bothered with him much. But we can't force him, so just give as much as we get.

I think your DH needs to realise his mother has a life!

Dementia is difficult to nurse through and although the affair is not ideal it’s time to put the pass behind.

She seems like she won’t be reliable child care and that she be out enjoying her life.

What does he want to achieve by not talking to his mother?

Not what you were to hoping to hear but I'm another one thinking your MIL has more than earned the right to put herself first and enjoy her life after being this 'amazing, selfless woman' for what sounds like a long time.

And sorry, but your DH had absolutely no business 'hitting the roof' when his mum started seeing someone. You sound miffed you're missing out on free childcare, actually.

After 18 months of him being home with MIL he was in a care home.
So 18 months of intense dementia care at home for her looking after him?
How much support did you and DH give them?
What level of capability/cognition do/did FIL or the other man's wife have?
It's awful and it's horrific, but the person they married has changed so much with this disease. Did he recognise her as his wife?

How old was fil? Early onset dementia which this sounds like is awful, if he was under 60, Early 60s, to have the level of need for 24hr care, and pass away, it must have been high needs and pretty intense.

Im 64 and in a great marriage. If my dh gets dementia, or I do, we have the example of my parents and his parents to guide us. I hope we would both do everything for the other. But if my dh was caring for me loyally and also found some comfort I would not begrudge him. And I hope he would feel the same. Your dh is grieving in a childish way. Wanting all the toys to stay just as they were. His mother’s grief is different—it is prolonged, complex, and realistic. She can grasp that one life has ended and a new one must begin.

I think you need to keep out of it. Your DH can make his choice, and so can MIL. I dont think this is your argument. I happen to think its appalling she's had affairs, whether your DH chooses to forgive that is up to him. Sounds like they've both been through hell.

Not up to her son to "forgive" anything!!

Sounds like your MiL has been doing a lot of looking after everyone else - bringing up kids, then being an involved grandparent, then caring for a husband with dementia.

Then she found someone who paid attention to her and maybe put her first instead of asking her to put others first all the time - and she liked it.

And it’s probably about time she had a bit of that.

Instead of asking her to come visit her grandchild, have you thought of inviting her and her partner over for dinner? Treat and prioritise her for a change instead of expecting her to prioritise you? It really ought to be your DH who matures a bit and starts to wonder what his mother wants out of life instead of just wondering what she can give. I understand he’s probably grieving his father but it sounds like he hasn’t really been thinking about her and her needs for a the last few years and it’s about time he did.

I'm not surprised mil is avoiding dh he's acting like a self centred child. She's been through hell and isn't there to serve the rest of you

I do think you're getting the usual MN double standard answers on here. Normally people kick off about affairs, but here they are all normalising it. Not sure how happy most of the posters would be if their Mum was having an affair but 🤷

I’m on MiL’s side too. I’m currently nursing my elderly mum at home in the last stages of dementia and it’s given me a whole new outlook on life. Bad enough watching a parent deteriorate right in front of you, but I can’t imagine watching a life partner go through the same thing.

Having had experience of the onset of dementia I doubt it was as rapid as you think - MiL would have been living with DH’s personality and other significant behavioural changes well before diagnosis. An affair probably wasn’t the wisest path but not surprising in the circumstances - she needed an outlet.

I think you need to recognise what your MiL has been through and that she’s still fairly young. I was widowed at 58 and l can tell you it’s horrendously lonely. She has needs and her own life to live, and she’s still trying to find her way. If you and DH can’t be supportive of her choices in what, for her, will be a difficult transition period, then you need to step back and let her put herself first for a while in whatever way she needs.

I don’t think this is a double standard at all. The circumstances are totally different. MIL’s life will have been very difficult long before her DH had a formal diagnosis. OP is kidding herself if she thinks the onset of dementia was so rapid - that suggests they were minimally involved because they were too busy with their own lives, or in denial about what was happening. An affair isn’t ideal obviously, but dealing with dementia is isolating and MiL clearly found solace and support with someone who has similar experience. It’s a bit rich to have left MiL to get on with things by herself and then complain when she finds other interests and isn’t as involved with her family as her DS would like.

I'm in sympathy with your MiL. Dementia is like a death - it takes away the person you knew. They are way from themselves. It's really tough caring for someone who's like a child cognitively, but a fully grown adult.

Your DH has no right really to police his mother's emotional or romantic life.

An affair is never the right answer.