MIL and her priorities!

If you want her to come around stop judging her. She’s a grown woman and she can conduct her life however she pleases. I do understand that we often see our parents as parents and not people and I do think your DH could do with some counselling. Imagine from her perspective what it would be like coming to yours to look at the baby whilst knowing that her son is furious with her and thinks she’s betraying his dad and him. Would you want to go?

I’m not saying any of these men are good choices but the one surefire way to make sure she ends up with a turd is to alienate her. Best thing to do is for your DH to get therapy and call his mum and say “I’m sorry, I’m not judging you, I’m grieving for dad and I’m all over the place”. I have no idea what your MIL is like as a person, she may be lovely or awful but you don’t get to keep a person in your life whilst shaming them, it doesn’t work.

What a disgusting thing to say

I think I'd be absolutely gutted if my mum didn't see my child. Especially if she's been hands on with other grandkids. She can live her life, but she'll never get this time back with your baby. This whole situation is very sad.

It's difficult all round as your DH is still grieving DF and life has changed in terms of his DM as well.
However if he wants a relationship with his surviving parent he will need to reframe her behaviour. A small baby won't remember whether MIL was around, maybe in 5 years she will be more settled and have more time for her GC. She's probably grieving herself and has felt lonely for a while and wants to enjoy life as 60 is young to find herself alone.
I'd say give it time, don't write her off as a grandmother yet and encourage DH to maintain some sort of relationship for the time being. I'm sure things will be different in the future.

Maybe you wrote it in a rush but it is clear that your husband at least is judging his mum based on his idea of her perceived role in the family and how she was with his other kids- all was good when she was putting family first and spending time with your youngest but he hit the roof with her when she was in a relationship and stopped talking to her when she didn't come over to spend time with him when you were away. He doesn't sound great.

Yes I agree with this. The ladies whole world has been turned upstairs down and stress and grief change people.

And quite frankly it none of your business what this lady does.

I agree who is he to decide how his mum should live her life. Who put him in charge?

But a baby will not remember. Most of us have very few memories before the age of 5. Your baby won't miss your MIL in these years, but your MIL will miss out on the baby.
However, she is grieving despite her seemingly 'partying' bahaviour, and may well hit a wall in a few months and realise this relationship is more of a 're-bound' thing. Or maybe not. She may be happy until the day she dies.
But if it's the former, it would be the decent, kind thing for you and your DH to be there for her. If the latter, then if your DH forgives her for her 'transgression', you'll have a normal family dynamic

Yes the attitude of OP DH is shocking. The MIL is a person in her own right and can make her own choices.

Unfortunately the morals of the situation are irrelevant. Your mil is a grown woman and makes her own choices. Including bad choices.It's nobody business how she lives or who she sleeps with, except hers.

Your DH may not like it but there is nothing he can do about it. She may actually find his refusal to speak to her convenient right now, as she can live without judgement.

You must see what's behind the words she has spoken about your FILs ashes rather than taking them literally, surely?
I think both you and you DH need to read about the effects of dementia on spouses and loved ones. And how gtieving manifests. Because to me, this is almost classic behaviour

What did the regular help consist of? Why did he need to go with her for medical appointments since she’s able to drive?

People grieve in all sorts of ways @ChristOnABike87 Everything you say about your MiL’s behaviour suggests either she was hiding her “hurtful” self for her whole marriage OR there’s a lot going on for her which you don’t or can’t know about. Her grief may be very private. it may be changing her - temporarily or maybe permanently.

It may be that after a life time of service to her much olderDH and her son, and exposure to a nasty illness and the long long time dying of her DH she is in a bit of a “seize the day” mood.

When my mother was finally divorced from my father she woke up to a life of much greater freedom. Even though I was 34 at the time, it was hard to realise my mother was finally liberated to live the rest of her life as she wished.

Grief is also a long thing. Give your MiL time.

Your DH needs to get over himself though. Hitting the roof over his mother’s private life? Not acceptable.

I'm not having a pop, @ChristOnABike87 , I understand how your DH is feeling, and how this affects you, as well as how MIL is making you feel as a mum of a child she should want to spend time with.
But grief, and the dementia process, is unfathomable and makes us behave in strange ways.
I really do think this is a re-bound thing; someone is caring for her for a change, his partner has dementia so he understands what she has gone through. He is obviously filling a void that her children/friends cannot. In a few months, she may feel differently.
Please be patient with her and bear in mind that she will come back to your DC and DH

Personally, I do feel sympathy for your DH. It’s like a second form of bereavement to lose his father only to in some way to lose his DM too.

From what I’ve read you’re saying the issue is less about her having new relationships but more about having new relationships at the complete expense and total lack of interest in her existing family. Maybe that will change? I would be hurt if my remaining parent felt that having new relationships needed to be at the total expense of existing family. My elderly parent does have a relationship, and has had three since my other parent died, but at no point did they ever stop seeing family.

And I mean seeing. They were never a babysitter or anything like that.

IMO with your MIL while I applaud her letting her hair down It’s a bit odd to suddenly cut off those other relationships. Was your FIL controlling and dominant? the type of behaviour you’re seeing could be a reaction and a lot of relief to finally getting rid of him.

A friend’s elderly mother has jumped into a new relationship with a man and married the guy after four weeks, without telling anyone she was going to do that or asking anyone to attend the wedding. She has gone from seeing her family and grandchildren all the time to barely seeing them. This woman is almost certainly in a new very controlling relationship, but equally the relationship with the father who died was clearly one where she felt coerced and abused.

Indeed. The phrase he ‘hit the roof’ is very telling in this scenario.

This is sounds more and more like the plot of Hamlet.