MIL and her priorities!

I think there are two things your DH should do from now on out:

1. Accept he has no right to judge her relationship choices. Of course his feelings are his feelings but he doesn't have the right to judge her or to "hit the roof" about what she does. Probably best for him just not to talk to her about them at all.

2. To stop putting pressure on her re the baby. I think as lots of other posters have said, she has faced a lot of demands in her life - she raised her own child, then was involved granny, then cared for her husband. She doesn't want to look after the baby while you go away and to be guilt tripped about not being a good granny this time around. Again, your feelings are your feelings but I think putting pressure on her isn't going to help

I would suggest he tell her that he misses her and would like to see her - suggest they go for a walk or a drink or something - just the two of them. She might not accept the first time, keep asking and leave the baby out of it for now.

I think your DH needs to reach out and make it about wanting to see her and know how she is doing and feeling and really listen to her.

I’ve now read your full time and in terms of practical advice . I would just put your family first . MIL is putting herself first and she can get the help she needs for the new bloke , see how it pans out . I would keep clear for a while. Ignore the mean responses.

The older GC were born before she spent 18 months caring for her DH with dementia and then having to see him taken away from her and put into a home. Your DH seems to doubt his dad was the love of his mum's life, she watched him disappear from her over a course of years. She is probably beyond heartbroken but has also had a head start on grieving his loss.

Your baby was born in the middle of that, not your baby or your MILs fault, but you can't expect her to be the same grandmother because she's not the same woman.

Her words of can't be bothered, only you know if she's genuinely that uncaring or if she can't face the final loss by collecting FIL's ashes just yet. Maybe she is in denial at the moment (stage of grief) and having to either scatter or keep her DHs ashes will force her into acceptance, which she may not be ready to do.

Could your DH collect them for her and keep them until she's ready for them to decide together? I'm assuming older siblings are FILs rather than MILs, have they had any involvement? Is she finding that difficult too?

Try not to judge her on her choice of new bf, they have something in common. It may not last. Your DH needs to look at this from a different perspective too but it might take him a little while to deal with his initial grief as well.

Unfortunately your baby isn't going to be MILs priority atm, send her photos and keep in touch though. When her grief is less raw, she will appreciate that if she's a good GM otherwise.

Including, presumably, your grandmother?

No one is denying it can feel complicated for adult children when their widowed parents move on, or when parents caring for an ill spouse form another relationship while the spouse is still living, but it’s not particularly unusual. The FIL of a close friend of mine started a relationship with a family friend while his wife was in a hospice, and announced their forthcoming marriage at the memorial service. Another friend’s father lost his wife to cancer in her 40s, and picked up the first of many shortterm girlfriends at a weekend away retreat for new widows/widowers within a month — apparently there’s quite often a lot of sex and coupling up at these, maybe not surprisingly.

And it's okay to be upset.

But when someone has dementia, you lose them a long time before they actually pass away. They may be physically the same, but mentally they're not the person you married anymore and many people begin the grieving process years before their partner actually passes away. It can't really be compared to say, someone dying unexpectedly in a car accident, or of a heart attack.

It's very, very common for spouses of people with dementia or other similar conditions to move on and start new relationships before their partner passes- because to them, really, their partner is gone - it's just their body that's still going.

What if your mum had lost him a hundred times by then? Dementia is horrible to deal with, you lose someone you love over and over again until you lose them forever.

Can you expand on what the sequence of events here was:

She then starts seeing someone else, DH hits the roof. MIL ‘puts family first’ and the relationship becomes a friendship, except of course it’s now a relationship behind closed doors

I wasn't suggesting it was purely about childcare but you clearly do want her to be a better granny and what I am trying to say is that, however understandable your feelings are, you need to understand that she isn't emotionally in a place to hear guilt trips about that

I think if your DH reached out and asked to see her without the baby, he would find her much more receptive

I also has empathy with your husband OP. It's really hard to grieve your parent and watch the other parent apparently move on with their lives and replace the person that died. But your MIL is just making the best of things and grabbing life while she can. Best to just get your heads around it and adjust your expectations . And actually it's better in the long run than her becoming entirely dependent on your husband..

You described your MIL as "selfless" but do you recognise that for her to be "selfless" someone else (or multiple other people) had to be selfish?

She was always giving because others were always taking.

Imagine your MIL had been giving your DH £500 a month for every month of his life. Your DH has given her the odd £50 or even £100 back at times, but certainly didn't give her the amount she gave him.

Then MIL goes through a period of her life when she's giving her son £500 per month, but also each of her GC and her own DH £500 a month, and getting very little back.

Then, one day, someone gives her £500 a month and doesn't expect anything back. And she stops giving everyone in her life £500 each, so she has thousands more each month from what she's not giving and what someone is giving her.

But everyone around her, instead of saying "thank you for giving me £500 per month for the entirety of my life, my life is so much better for that." They all bitch and moan that she's not giving them anything anymore and ignore everything she's given in the past.

She's daring to spend HER money on herself and her family hate her for it.

Now imagine that £500 is her time.

This is what's happened here.

Very much agree with this. Hard for you to navigate but also suspect that it’s your DH letting go of two parents: his dad and this imaginary totally selfless mother. No one can or should live their whole life with no thought for anyone else.

I was a widow aged 38. The first thing I wanted when my husband passed was another man. The escapism, the affection …. I didn’t as I had young kids but your husbands an adult. In her eyes her husband died a long time before he actually did.

I’m quite aware of the effects of dementia thank you. I was a carer for my dad, he had mixed dementia which caused horrendous issues.
My absolute priority after he died was my mum’s welfare. I know that it’s not uncommon for bereaved partners to sometimes make rash decisions in the first year or so after a death ie wanting to move house and it’s also not uncommon to later regret such decisions.

There have been many threads on here over the years where widowed FILs have found new partners and then their adult children and grandchildren are pretty much ignored, but somehow the OPs of those threads have had more compassionate responses.

Sounds like your DH is really struggling to see his mum as an adult. Your comments about her supposedly saying her DH was the love of her life and she wouldn't form a relationship with anyone else are really odd. What a bizarre thing to say out loud to your children. I wonder how your DH would have felt if his mum had judged his relationship choices so severely she stopped speaking to him. I'm sure she had opinions about the breakdown of his relationship with his older children's mother - did she judge this or just provide support? I'm not denying it's a very difficult situation but I think he needs to try and unpack his feelings of grief about his father from his upset at his mum forming a new relationship. It's been ok for your DH to have at least two serious relationships so it should be ok for his mum. I'm sure at one point your DH would have said the mother of his older children was the love of his life and he wouldn't ever have another relationship - but things change and you and your baby are proof of that.

To put it another way, for a long time, MIL has been mum, granny, carer. Who is seeing her for her and really listening to her? The bloke she is seeing is likely the first person to do that in a long time.

You're likely to have best success reconnecting with her if you don't do it in a "come and see baby, she wants to see her granny" way and more if your DH does a "mum, I know you have been through a lot, can you and me go for a walk to catch up?" And then if he asks her open questions about herself and really listens to what she says

He probably was, until he became so unwell, life is full of the unexpected.

He probably was, until he became so unwell, life is full of the unexpected.

Really interesting and informative analogy @buttonsB4 And your opening line You described your MIL as "selfless" but do you recognise that for her to be "selfless" someone else (or multiple other people) had to be selfish?

Is so true.

As I say upthread, I've noticed how much angrier - or more resentful - people are when someone who has been "selfless" stops being quite so selfless.

Whereas, those who are always self-centred rarely meet such anger.

I know @ChristOnABike87 is frustrated with many of our responses - but I wonder if she's recognised just how angry she is? It might be useful for you OP, to think about what it is that you're so exercised about. You come across as frustrated & resentful.

Now, maybe those are part of your grieving. Your FiL's illness & death have probably been exhausting for you all. But your response seems disproportionately judgemental and just, well, angry. It's always useful to try to sit with our feelings, not do anything in particular, and try to puzzle out what's really going on.

Just reading this makes me feel so suffocated on behalf of this woman. She's reached middle age and is being controlled, restricted and forced to live to other peoples rules on pain of no longer being thought to be 'a lovely selfless woman' and accused of being a 'bad' mother and grandmother. Could the pair of you be any more controlling and manipulative? If you disapprove of her life choices you'll just have to stop seeing her, won't you? Which is sad for her and the DC if you weaponise them to control her, but arguably better than being under your thumb. I really hope she has reached the point in life where she sees what's going on here and tells you where to go.

I think she had probably grieved for her husband before he died as she had technically lost him a long time ago. Affairs are hurtful but in this situation I think it happened for a reason. She was probably lonely and wanted companionship. This is tough for your dh. But his mum was living in that situation for 18 months. Your dh is thinking of them as his parents. He is shocked by her behaviour. In terms of death it is quick But she had already lost her husband. I think she is avoiding her son as she probably doesn’t agree or like what he has to say. It isn’t about you or the baby.

Perfect advice @ChristOnABike87 This is something your DH could do - towards your desire to "resolve" things.