MIL and her priorities!

I'm really surprised at a lot of the responses because I would have been really upset if my mum had rapidly got a new partner after my dad died.

How you resolve it is you and your DH get over yourselves and stop trying to dictate how a woman who has nursed her husband through the cruel and savage decline of dementia should live her life. That's how you resolve it.

Hi OP. I am currently caring for my DH will dementia. Affairs in my view are never right and it is never something I would do. Dementia though and caring for someone with it can be crushing. I do not condone her actions but I will understand the mix of grief and sheer tiredness that might lead her to try and do what she can to recover her life. IME it is usually men who move on quickly, but some women do as well. It is hard for your DH when she chooses not to spend time with the family and particularly new DC, but there was also a scenario where she had crumbled and collapsed under the weight of this pressure and trust me none of you would have wanted that. my counsel is to be polite, smile nicely and take what time you have with MIL. Over time this may improve, but make the best of this even though it is challenging.

I came here for advice on how to help resolve the situation

But what do you want to resolve @ChristOnABike87 ? Your posts express disapproval, frustration, and upsetness with your MiL's behaviour.

But what resolution would you like? And what resolution do you think is possible, or reasonable?

(These may not be the same thing).

I think you need to give your MiL time. You say she's been a "selfless" person - that is lovely for all the people around her (especially two men - her DH and her DS!) but maybe not so great for your MiL? It's time for her.

I'm older than your MiL, and I've noticed throughout my life that when people who've habitually put others before themselves change their behaviour to put themselves first, the response by those around them is disproportionate. It's as if that person has betrayed all their loved ones. THat's what your response reads like.

Whereas, those who've always put themselves first - or like your DH and your FiL - have had someone always put them first - very rarely come in for the kind of shocked anger that your early posts express.

JUst let it be ... your MiL will eventually come back to you.

Also maybe she thought she was done being a grandmother to young grandchildren - what is her relationship like with the first DIL and other grandchildren?

Caring is stressful, caring for someone with dementia even more so. Why would you begrudge someone companionship/close relationship when they have lost their partner emotionally years before their physical body dies? Dementia is 2 deaths. The person then the body. I think it should be more acceptable for people to do what the OPs MIL has done.

I don't think anyone's saying that the OP's DH shouldn't be upset. But he seems to want his mother NOT to have any feelings, other than as a grieving widow.

As others have said (and as I know, caring for my demented mother) the OP's MiL probably grieved the loss of her husband years ago.

And grief for the death of a parent is different from grief for the death of a life-partner, and can lead to different behaviours.

With respect, that’s not clear from your posts. You sound disapproving of her not ‘prioritising’ your child and not being sufficiently ‘selfless’. Have you specifically told her you don’t feel the same way as her son, and would like to see her?

Bin your stereotypes about how older women are expected to be.Selfless, sexless etc.Family first etc

Is not anger supposed to be quite a large part of the grieving post? Well I have read that many times in my life, and personally I have suffered from it (in quite a strange way) as well.

Both the OP'S DH, and her DMiL, appear to be suffering from quite a lot of anger at the moment 🤔 I wonder if all of the PPs who are giving the OP such a hard time about her DH, realise that both her DH and his DM have something very much in common? Which is of course their grief at the passing of his DDad and her DH. So anger is a very normal, and even an expected (and maybe even a needed) part of their grieving processes.

However, I have never seen or heard that anyone, or even everyone, suffering from exactly the same grief, will manifest their angers in even a similar way to each other, or anyone else. In fact @ChristOnABike87 must be suffering from feelings of loss and probably grief too, so it would be very normal for the OP to be channeling some anger also. So could all of the angry PPs who are not actually spewing anger because of the grief caused by losing a loved one, please calm down, and maybe even apologise to the OP for being so nasty about her and her DH.
I won't hold my breath...

Your DH hit the roof because his mum has the gall to be in a new relationship? She has to "Put family first" 🤔

And this one isn't even married.. 🤨

I’ve been on mumsnet long enough to tell how threads will go.
We have been taught affairs are wrong, but yet if someone is putting themself first and pursuing their own happiness in difficult circumstances ,they are okay . It is completely natural for you DH to see his mother in a different light in my opinion . My Grandma moved on very quickly after the death of my Grandad and it was bewildering and frankly never the same after that . It changes everything. That takes some serious adjustment. People are allowed to feel how they feel .

Sounds like it's more a reaction to her loss and grief then.

MIL will of been to hell and back in the years before FIL

she’ll be grabbing the chance of a life with both hand she’s will be only to aware how short and how life can change

my guess is she keeps her distance due your judgement and disapproval

thing is it not all about you it about her

I would have oodles of sympathy for MIL in this situation. Sounds like DH has centered himself and his own grief and believes MIL is there to serve his needs. He's wrong. She's not less valuable than him.

Does he have a tendency to be a little selfish?

My Grandma moved on very quickly after the death of my Grandad and it was bewildering and frankly never the same after that . It changes everything. That takes some serious adjustment. People are allowed to feel how they feel .

Including your grandmother?

In these sorts of situations, don't we ALL have to just accept that there will be change (death is a huge change) and discomfort. And different responses. And that it is what it is.

Interesting how women are expected to keep on being "selfless" and not have desires. After a long marriage maybe the OP's MiL doesn't like/want to be alone. Maybe she's scared of being alone.

There's precious little information given by the OP on how her MiL might be feeling. It's all about how badly she's behaving.

I think that's why the posts responding have been the way they are.

"She is/was the best Nanny to her 2 older GKs that DH has from previous marriage."

And then she went on nursing her DH with dementia. And now she wants some time to herself and you're all acting like entitled brats. I feel for your Mil.

I agree that MIL is entitled to a life. I just lost my mum to dementia, and I wonder if OP's DH really understands that by the end his mother would have been caring for a near-total stranger with no inhibitions and no filter. But OP's DH lost his father and probably feels like he's now lost the mother he knew too. I think there's space for sympathy towards both of them. I hope they're able to have an honest conversation and come to a better understanding.

I don’t blame your DH being upset by all of this. It’s hard enough losing a parent, and I expect most here would be upset to see their parent announce a new relationship a month after they lost the other parent (despite what people say here, they just like to dig the knife in and argue black is white).

The situation of you going away though, I expect she’s thinking she’s wanted to help her son with childcare, so I don’t blame her she’s choosing a week with her new partner. But again, I can see why your DH is hurt by that. It sounds like your MIL is putting herself above all else, and we don’t know her to know if she’s spent her whole life putting others over herself, or not. It’s hurtful to the family, but I guess she’s allowed to put her own wants over others. It will cost her though, so I guess she needs to tread very carefully as I’m sure she could get a balance.

Just ring her up and tell her you'd love to see her.
She's not old and caring is a nightmare (two deceased parents later I was on my last legs).
She's only 60 and her private life is none of your business. Boyfriend indeed.

If you want her in your life tell her you miss her. Life is too short to sit at home fuming.
As for the ashes they'll wait. Don't push her on that one.

My mum acted in surprising ways after my dad died; it was very much a you only live once attitude so I’ll do what I want. I understood it in some ways but it really hurt to see her move on so quickly and to feel less important to her. We stuck with it by which I mean seeing her when we could and it improved over a couple of years; the hurt is still there though and i think you and DH need to go about the process of accepting the change in your family and grieving the mil/mum he had as well as his dad

I think your DH and MiL are both struggling with the amount of change, grief and also perhaps some mistakes made by your MIL. Maybe she feels awkward seeing the baby because her son isn’t talking to her. Why don’t you reach out and meet somewhere? So sorry this is the situation but you may have to be the driving force here to mend things.