DP weird relationship with ex

I've got a 10 year old, no matter the situation in he's father's life he's never been to my house without getting into my bed. ( In those 10 years we've never been committed ) it happens follow your gutt.

Absolutely trust your gut. The classic “your off your head and controlling” manipulative behaviour to try and turn this around on you when he knows what he’s doing is wrong and make you question yourself.

If you don’t see her how do you know she bitches about you and calls you names?

Maybe he's still sleeping with her. OR maybe he is just trying to keep the peace between the mother of his child who he might not be with but still respects and his current partner - both of whom are jealous and insecure. The bigger question is why did you start a family with him knowing that you weren't happy with the ex wife situation?

I don’t understand how you can know he does not defend you when his ex bitches about you? He says he does, why do you doubt this? Also, is the bitching solely by text or is he coming back and telling you? If he is why does he do that? Is there any reason in particular this woman dislikes you so much? She didn’t know you before and they were over when you came on the scene so is it that she dislikes you having contact with her child or some other reason?

Do you think she wants to reconcile with him or is he just enjoying the drama of the two of you tussling over him?

You described your feelings about the situation as “insane”. You need to find a way to evaluate things calmly and rationally before deciding how to deal with it, as it at the moment there’s no way of telling what the reality is.

@kiana2015

I'm not saying whether or not I think his relationship is 'too much' or not. What I think is irrelevant. You could have 10000 MNers post that he is way out of line, but that's not going to change his mind. If he won't listen to you, the woman he supposedly loves and shares his life with, and change, he's not going to change because a bunch of randoms say he should.

I guess the bottom line for me is that he finds his relationship with his ex to be, for lack of a better word, 'acceptable'. You find it 'unacceptable'. And apparently never the twain shall meet.

Sounds to me as if he sees no need to change. So it's up to you whether or not you choose to simply accept the situation or if it bothers you enough to leave.

Difficult situation but definitely needs hee and gim to be respectful.
Why does he feed comments back to you.
I would expect that to stop.
Some people have guilt parenting and cowl down to a partner, or is she manipulating.
You need to have boundaries & respect..driving together well, they will always be linked for life with a child, but I don't get why it means you are targeted by the ex.
He needs to stop the bullshit and you are not to be shunned for asking questions.

I don't think one co-parent giving the other a lift somewhere doesn't strike me as a transgression of normal boundaries.

I'm not too sure, from your post, what he's doing wrong.

If you didn't think that op you wouldn't be here. Have you been slagging her off and did you interfere in the early stages? My sons father had a girlfriend 10 years younger than me who was very Slender and she'd been saying I was a large hag lol to him and he's family ( no reason we'd never meet ) this ment I had absolutely zero respect for her from the get go and continued seeing him on any occasion I wanted to!

They usually do this when they don't want women sitting and exchanging information

It’s a pity you had a child with him eith all this going on. Don’t have any more. It is definitely dodgy and the atmosphere can’t be great.

And what @BowlOfNoodles said

Sounds like he's still committed to her and putting her feelings and wants before yours,

Why did they officially break up?

I say officially as it sounds like they're still together in some way. Are you sure they are not sleeping together? They certainly are cheating on you emotionally.

And why is his life with his DD so separate from your life with him and your daughter. You should be a family together: you, him, both of your DDs and doing things together.

In your situation I'd be looking out for signs of cheating such as his messages or info from mutual friends or scratches on his back or his mouth smelling like between her legs when he comes home to kiss you.

Sounds like he's still in love with her.

I’m with you. When they decided to split all the lifts and favours end. Ending a relationship is a realisation this person isn’t for you anymore. His obligations as a father don’t stop but they do as a partner. Bottom line is, you’re uncomfortable he needs to decide who to upset, you or her. If it’s you, which it has been for a long time, you know where you stand. At the bottom. Can you accept this or do you want someone who puts you firdt

Oh and op In regards to you going to outings with hers daughter please 🙏 remember in 2 years YOU could be the ex and it could be you having to have your Dc around somebody you dislike! Her mother doesn't like you that's why you are not invited love. And if the outings are not regular you would be intruding on those outings your own dc are getting unlimited access to your partner! Personally as somebody who's had relationships with people with kids ( never again) I'd focus on my home/relationship and tell you partner not to mention he's ex to you ever again! You don't wanna know if she's been slagging you off ex.

You have to picture you and your DD as the ex family.
It’s not healthy or good for the DD for them to hate each other and not speak. Theres nothing inherently weird about the mother and a father having a coffee around their child.
You don’t like it, but he does and always will have a relationship with her, she’s the mother of his child.

How often are the outings?

The most recent occasion they were at an appointment and then the ex gave DP a lift, just the two of them no DD, he also didn't mention this to me I told I asked him and says he wasn't hiding it but it wasn't relevant to tell me, I kicked off but he says I'm off my head and controlling. AIBU to expect respect and to maintain boundaries?

She's the mother of his child but he's not allowed give her a lift? And he's afraid to tell you if he does? I'm with him, it does sound controlling.