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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP weird relationship with ex

110 replies

kiana2015 · 22/07/2024 23:45

Me and DP have a DD, he also has a DD with his ex. Me and the ex don't get along, she's always bitching and blaming me for everything. I think DP has a weird relationship with his ex, when we first met she was always calling and messaging him, when she brought their DD round she also stayed for hours, they would go for coffee etc. I didn't meet DD until a year and a half into our relationship and even then she looked for any chance she could to stop her coming. Now DP goes out to take his DD places, never invites us. He has previously gone for coffee or gone round his ex house and says it's for his DD. There's been many occasions where I feel like the line has been crossed with respect for me, a big one is when she bitches to him about me calling me all sorts, he never sticks up for me just ignores her. The most recent occasion they were at an appointment and then the ex gave DP a lift, just the two of them no DD, he also didn't mention this to me I told I asked him and says he wasn't hiding it but it wasn't relevant to tell me, I kicked off but he says I'm off my head and controlling. AIBU to expect respect and to maintain boundaries?

OP posts:
Original poster
kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 15:29

KrisAkabusi · 23/07/2024 14:38

The most recent occasion they were at an appointment and then the ex gave DP a lift, just the two of them no DD, he also didn't mention this to me I told I asked him and says he wasn't hiding it but it wasn't relevant to tell me, I kicked off but he says I'm off my head and controlling. AIBU to expect respect and to maintain boundaries?

She's the mother of his child but he's not allowed give her a lift? And he's afraid to tell you if he does? I'm with him, it does sound controlling.

But there should be no reason not to tell me that's my point, I do t understand why he hid it? I wouldn't have been angry. We live in the countryside so there isn't a lot of transport

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 23/07/2024 15:32

kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 15:29

But there should be no reason not to tell me that's my point, I do t understand why he hid it? I wouldn't have been angry. We live in the countryside so there isn't a lot of transport

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Because "it's driving me insane and we've spoke about this time and time again"

He probably just wants an easy life and doesn't want you talking about it yet again.

burritobabe24 · 23/07/2024 15:34

It's all a bit much isn't it. I'm on good terms with my ex and he will stay for a bit of a chat at the drop off but I certainly wouldn't have him bitching about my dh to me. And id feel weird about getting a lift with just him. Trust your gut op.

BowlOfNoodles · 23/07/2024 15:37

KrisAkabusi · 23/07/2024 14:38

The most recent occasion they were at an appointment and then the ex gave DP a lift, just the two of them no DD, he also didn't mention this to me I told I asked him and says he wasn't hiding it but it wasn't relevant to tell me, I kicked off but he says I'm off my head and controlling. AIBU to expect respect and to maintain boundaries?

She's the mother of his child but he's not allowed give her a lift? And he's afraid to tell you if he does? I'm with him, it does sound controlling.

This is why the ex doesn't like you op, you're over stepping she's he's daughters mother of cause they can give each other lifts etc. It seems you are against unity between them when you are pushing 🫸 that with your partner you are making yourself look unreasonable and controlling 100% personally I'd never ask about the mom or daughter again and I'd ask not to hear about it either.

Oli2927 · 23/07/2024 16:19

Personally I do think it’s strange.

me and my partner have children from previous marriages.
All communication is just relating to children and we are civil.
neither of us go to coffees with each other or give each other lifts without our children present and there is just no way either of us tolerate our exes slating the other person.

however we have thrown birthday parties for our children and invited the ex and their partner.

I would suggest that you sit down and have a serious conversation with your partner. Just explain that boundaries need to be put in place. He doesn’t need to be on the phone to his ex 24/7 or going for coffee. They broke up for a reason. If he’s reluctant there is a reason.

you could always reach out to his ex and try and reach a point where you are both civil.
there’s always a reason an ex doesn’t like a new partner. It’s either jealously or your partner has been bitching.

hope you get this solved. X

Original poster
kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 17:07

@BowlOfNoodles that's not what I'm trying to say, I'm trying to say that he's hiding it from me?

OP posts:
Original poster
kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 17:10

Oli2927 · 23/07/2024 16:19

Personally I do think it’s strange.

me and my partner have children from previous marriages.
All communication is just relating to children and we are civil.
neither of us go to coffees with each other or give each other lifts without our children present and there is just no way either of us tolerate our exes slating the other person.

however we have thrown birthday parties for our children and invited the ex and their partner.

I would suggest that you sit down and have a serious conversation with your partner. Just explain that boundaries need to be put in place. He doesn’t need to be on the phone to his ex 24/7 or going for coffee. They broke up for a reason. If he’s reluctant there is a reason.

you could always reach out to his ex and try and reach a point where you are both civil.
there’s always a reason an ex doesn’t like a new partner. It’s either jealously or your partner has been bitching.

hope you get this solved. X

I have tried talking with him and he does try but he doesn't see anything wrong when he does something like going to her house etc so it's hard as he doesn't understand. I have also tried I have mentioned to him if we all go for a coffee and a chat and we can develop some sort of relationship as I do want to get along with her so I feel more comfortable and so would she if I ever am around her DD but he just says no leave it and has even said he doesn't want us around each other so I don't understand

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 23/07/2024 17:17

but he doesn't see anything wrong when he does something like going to her house

I don't see anything wrong with him going g to her house! Again, she's the mother of his child, they are going to see each other, have conversations, and incredibly, possibly have a good relationship that will benefit their daughter. He is not doing anything wrong by keeping a good relationship with her. If your idea of boundaries is that he's not allowed go to the house where his daughter lives, you are going to drive him away.

Original poster
kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 17:25

KrisAkabusi · 23/07/2024 17:17

but he doesn't see anything wrong when he does something like going to her house

I don't see anything wrong with him going g to her house! Again, she's the mother of his child, they are going to see each other, have conversations, and incredibly, possibly have a good relationship that will benefit their daughter. He is not doing anything wrong by keeping a good relationship with her. If your idea of boundaries is that he's not allowed go to the house where his daughter lives, you are going to drive him away.

I do genuinely believe that is inappropriate, am I really being unreasonable?

OP posts:
EG94 · 23/07/2024 17:30

kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 17:25

I do genuinely believe that is inappropriate, am I really being unreasonable?

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No! The ex isn’t respectful of you, you’re excluded from your SD. This isn’t about forming healthy relationships to move forward this is very much about two exes WANTING to spend time together. There life together is over, there is no need. I’m firmly with you. It’s inappropriate

Sunnydiary · 23/07/2024 17:35

How old is your DD? It seems like a weird set up, like he still has two separate lives that don’t overlap in any way.

OCDmama · 23/07/2024 17:37

My dad used to always see us at my mum's, she used to give him lifts and they talked on the phone. They were most definitely not having sex.

I would watch the situation but their relationship isn't weird.

Original poster
kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 17:39

Sunnydiary · 23/07/2024 17:35

How old is your DD? It seems like a weird set up, like he still has two separate lives that don’t overlap in any way.

This is exactly my point! She's only 3 months but I worry for when she's older

OP posts:
Original poster
kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 17:40

@EG94 thankyou! For a minute there I thought I was going mad and everyone thought this was all normal

OP posts:
BowlOfNoodles · 23/07/2024 18:21

kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 17:40

@EG94 thankyou! For a minute there I thought I was going mad and everyone thought this was all normal

What are you saying isn't normal getting a lift?

Original poster
kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 19:03

@BowlOfNoodles no not getting a lift but hiding it and the type of behaviour in general

OP posts:
BowlOfNoodles · 23/07/2024 19:36

kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 19:03

@BowlOfNoodles no not getting a lift but hiding it and the type of behaviour in general

But this will be because he's been chastised for it previously. if he's told her that you have an issue with it then he's shit stirring to ensure that there's never a chance of being civilised

Original poster
kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 19:40

@BowlOfNoodles I've never ever told him where can go or what he can do etc, I've mentioned how it makes me feel when he goes on days out or for a coffee and chat with her I've never said you can not do it, it's entirely up to him but if he knows it makes me feel a certain way then why do it? And by hiding it indicates he knows it wrong, no? I think of it like if I did these things with my ex he would not be happy so why should I? Because they have a child? She does purposely try to get close because that's just how she is, why should I allow that?

OP posts:
BowlOfNoodles · 23/07/2024 19:46

kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 19:40

@BowlOfNoodles I've never ever told him where can go or what he can do etc, I've mentioned how it makes me feel when he goes on days out or for a coffee and chat with her I've never said you can not do it, it's entirely up to him but if he knows it makes me feel a certain way then why do it? And by hiding it indicates he knows it wrong, no? I think of it like if I did these things with my ex he would not be happy so why should I? Because they have a child? She does purposely try to get close because that's just how she is, why should I allow that?

Ultimately op, the ex has been around for years and isn't going anywhere if he has to say to her I can't accept a lift off you or have a coffee as its causing me issues there's no chance of your daughter sharing a sisterly bond with he's other daughter. You can only repeat that you want transparency about lifts etc.

KrisAkabusi · 23/07/2024 20:16

I think of it like if I did these things with my ex he would not be happy so why should I? Because they have a child?

Yes! Exactly! They have a child together. And it's much better for her if he maintains a good relationship with her mother. You're coming across like he shouldn't have any relationship at all with the mother, to the extent that you never want him to go to his daughter's house. That is controlling and bad for everyone, and will eventually lead to him chosing daughter over you.

Original poster
kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 20:22

KrisAkabusi · 23/07/2024 20:16

I think of it like if I did these things with my ex he would not be happy so why should I? Because they have a child?

Yes! Exactly! They have a child together. And it's much better for her if he maintains a good relationship with her mother. You're coming across like he shouldn't have any relationship at all with the mother, to the extent that you never want him to go to his daughter's house. That is controlling and bad for everyone, and will eventually lead to him chosing daughter over you.

Edited

So if he can bring her somewhere like a park or play centre or something or even to ours but he doesn't even try he chooses to go to hers that's not odd?

OP posts:
Original poster
kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 20:23

@BowlOfNoodles but she isn't the one preventing them seeing each other or forming a relationship, she is fine with it, he chooses not to

OP posts:
BowlOfNoodles · 23/07/2024 20:25

kiana2015 · 23/07/2024 20:22

So if he can bring her somewhere like a park or play centre or something or even to ours but he doesn't even try he chooses to go to hers that's not odd?

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I told my sons father previously that my son wasn't allowed to go to hes girlfriends house ( due to continuous disrespect ) you'll probably find she's said told him she'd prefer he wasn't taking he's daughter to yours.

EG94 · 23/07/2024 20:36

BowlOfNoodles · 23/07/2024 20:25

I told my sons father previously that my son wasn't allowed to go to hes girlfriends house ( due to continuous disrespect ) you'll probably find she's said told him she'd prefer he wasn't taking he's daughter to yours.

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@kiana2015 So he can dance to his exes tune but not his wife’s. He puts her feelings above yours. He needs to decide who he wants to sleep next to seriously. Having a good coparenting relationship doesn’t need to involve regular meet ups and keeping his first family from his second. It won’t get better. If others would be ok with their husbands doing it then fine but you’re not and he should hear that and discuss with you something that works for everyone not just him and his ex.

BowlOfNoodles · 23/07/2024 20:40

EG94 · 23/07/2024 20:36

@kiana2015 So he can dance to his exes tune but not his wife’s. He puts her feelings above yours. He needs to decide who he wants to sleep next to seriously. Having a good coparenting relationship doesn’t need to involve regular meet ups and keeping his first family from his second. It won’t get better. If others would be ok with their husbands doing it then fine but you’re not and he should hear that and discuss with you something that works for everyone not just him and his ex.

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If they broke up amicably as friends then telling her op has said he's not allowed to continue that is a sure fire way to cause extra animosity