DP weird relationship with ex

in my opinion this should of been nipped in the bud much sooner. I’ve been in this situation and let’s not be naive women are manipulative. After 2 or 3 times of her masking her request with the kids want / need and him dropping everything, I set a clear boundary this stop. I explained she’s sending a message to me she can have you whenever she wants. Now these wants / needs were to do shopping or drop her into town. He then had the choice, he could dance to her tune or dance to mine. She tried it by saying oh can you take jimmy to x, we turned up and she tried to get in the car. It wasn’t she wanted us to take him, she wanted a lift. Without me saying a word my then partner said can I have a word. I didn’t know the contents of this word until later but he told her, you asked me to take jimmy and I will but the fact you have his behind our kids to get a lift isn’t happening. I will take Jimmy or you can but I am not your taxi service. Let’s keep in mind his ex slagged him off to the high heavens until she wanted something then it was all nicely nicely you’re such a good dad 🙄 so no, I am with OP but this boundary should of been set a long time ago then it would of been clear and he could choose to respect his current partner or do what he wanted and she could decide to put up and shut up or walk away if she felt that was a hill to die on.

@kiana2015 with kindness he has shown you where his priorities lie, believe him. This won’t change and if by a miracle he does put an end to it, she will find new ways and you’ll have a new argument. The example I gave, don’t be fooled, he still was unable to set boundaries with the ex and allowed her to chop and change our contact time whenever she saw fit, something we never did. Even when I made plans for us, she’d say oh they have a party I really want to take them too. Funny because depending how far the party was would often dictate her keenness he would say oh ok, no conversation with me, no thought no this is my time, no thought I had spent money. It will just be always something. I think maybe you have to prioritise yourself and your daughter and leave. You can’t live a life second best, it will destroy you.

Also to add all those waffling on about how the ex is the mother of his child, so is the OP why does the second wife always matter less? Really makes me cross

What needs to be remembered is 2-3 years from now op might be ex number 2 and have a brand new woman reading her messages in he's phone and being told he's not allowed in her house! I personally know somebody onto he's 4TH family of women! When the boots on the other foot she's not going to like it... every time this argument comes up it's gonna build resentment towards her not win her any favours. And I'll tell you something every time my sons dad's now ex was bringing my name up I was being extra nice to him!

I hear that fully I do, I just don’t see the need or desire to be overly friendly, it’s confusing for the kids too. Given he’s remarried and first child has a sibling you’d expect at the very least OP would be attending these days out. Sadly the reality of a break up is a split family. I was a child of a break up. My mum despised my dad for reasons I now understand but at the time I wished they were able to at least hold a civil conversation with one another. For me a healthy co parenting relationship is open communication about the kid(s) and able to say to one another oh, noticed this with Bob, have said this, can you follow through? And oh bobs school report is due on x y z. Co parenting can be as simple as civil, good communication and support with upbringing. Coffees, lifts, days out, bit much for me. For some would be ok and that’s fine but if your current partner is saying no, I’m not comfortable what can we do instead, if the relationship is of value you’d listen not just ignore.

I'm presuming not chick just partner I think? The issue here is if when they broke up they've remained friends prior to op and him meeting. Why should the dynamics change? If hes going to sleep with her he's going to do that regardless of coffees/lifts. I'd argue that the more pushing 🫸 she does the MORE likely is it that the ex will want to sleep with him/cause issues.

Why is your partner's daughter with his ex not included in your family set up and invited to your home/holidays etc?

I don’t get the chick bit.. why should it change? Because life changes. They were together, that’s changed. You’re current partner is unhappy, fix it or don’t that his choice and hers is be unhappy or leave. Things can change. Maybe his ex wasn’t ok with him leaving his dirty socks around the house but the current one is ok with it.. it changes, things change. Ex doesn’t get to dictate his wife can’t be around because SHE doesn’t want the dynamic to change. People change, situations change, part of life. It’s not impossible for the dynamics to change, he is choosing for them not to despite how the mother of his other child and now wife feel. I’d be gone, no doubt about it

On the same token with this situation and ops lack of tolerance I believe she'll feel resentment when she's the ex and you've always gonna remember tomorrow! I'm positive absolutely positive that she won't appreciate the next Mrs saying he can't give her a lift! I've seen these situations play out numerous times. The baby fathers gf that gave me hell telling my sons dad not to contribute towards school uniforms because I could afford it etc... is now in ex what goes around comes around remember that always

I gotta be honest the strong independent woman in me wouldn’t ask for a lift. I left you for a reasons and to be dependent on you, na thanks not for me, I got more pride. Maybe she’s the same.

to your exs ex, that’s wrong, children are a joint venture and they cost simple as. My ex paid maintenance obvs and anything they needed. Again his ex didn’t do or take them anywhere mostly due to not being able to drive and would constantly tell the kids to ask there dad to take them x y z place. They went out and I mean out out involving 2 - 5 hour journeys to make their wishes come true re birthdays and the like but we weren’t made of money and grew tired of always being the ones going on £200 days out because mum said ask dad.

when I was with my ex, in each situation that came up, I wore different hats. I wore the hat of how their mum felt relating it to my mum being a single mum, how the kids felt relating it to how I felt growing up and lastly my hat, how I felt as a partner. I’d always try to find a middle ground between all 3.

I really tried my best and I always tried to be fair to all of us. You can’t please all the people all of the time. But I’ve learnt I can’t always be the one to be disappointed.

my ex did respect some of what I said wasn’t ok for me and not others, his lack of boundaries with his ex is what made me finally snap. But as I said earlier, I made it clear to him, he chose to make her happy, I decided it was a hill I’d die on. I left.

Doesn’t mean you should continue any further. Would you keep throwing good money after bad into a hole that’s not filling up because you already threw in half a mil or would you say, I’m throwing so much money and the problems not going away. I could spend this money in a better way?

ultimatum time. Me or her. Stick with it if he chooses her. You matter, you are worthy and you deserve to be put first 🥰🥰

He's throwing money at her aswell? Sorry op hes keeping her sweet for a reason...

I see the word ex mentioned there! You see? Baggage nobody wants other people's bs I'd never date a man with kids again I've not had sex with nobody's unreasonable ex why should I deal with fuckery lol 🤔 are you getting this op? Lol don't hitch your wagon with dad's in future trust me not worth it!

So she's got financial priority, she doesn't defend you, he's submissive to her, keeps her daughter at arms length from you... I think you know deep down that your partner has feelings for he's ex.

She's alone? So abit of money, bit of coffee, a lift, spare some dick while your at it

how old is your stepdaughter, and does she see your daughter, as they are sisters?

That's so odd that his two children have met only once.

What kind of secrets is he keeping?!

Didn't smell his breath, OP?