dd accidentally accused girls of serious things they never did

I remember at the age of 14 almost my whole friend group of 6 other girls turning on me during the summer holidays after one of the girls manipulated others and twisted some things I’d said to make it look like I was talking about them all behind their backs.

For those 6 weeks I was lonely, miserable and stayed in the house, whilst they ordered taxis and prank silent called. In the end, my Mum contacted the operator, got the number which was one of the girl’s landlines and then called each of their parents to tell them what they were up to. To be fair it stopped, but I remember feeling so scared about going back in September as I didn’t know who I would hang around with.

Out of the 6, when the calls and nastiness started, one of them immediately refused to be involved, reached out to me to make it clear she thought it was appalling and didn’t believe their lies and we ultimately remained good friends through the rest of high school and sixth form. She almost immediately stopped hanging out with the others.

One other eventually realised by the very end of the 6 week holidays that what they had told her and she’d chosen to believe was total rubbish (just one of the lies they peddled was that I’d mocked the fact that she was a diabetic). To give her credit, she rode round on her bike and apologised to me on my doorstep and asked if we could still be friends. Whilst I respected that she’d had the decency to admit fault, say sorry and to ask for forgiveness, I decided I couldn’t. I wouldn’t have been able to trust her fully again and I was honestly just so hurt that firstly she would even believe that I would have said such horrendous things about a friend and then finally that she would join in with all the bullying, including (as I subsequently found out) a plan to lure me out one night and then jump me.

None of the others ever apologised for what they did, including the girl who was meant to be my best friend. Two of them, including the main instigator, I never spoke to again. The other two were in a number of my classes, so I adopted a polite, yet cold and distant approach with them.

At 14 everything feels bigger and your friendships are the most important thing in your life. Your DD needs to approach these girls and make a genuine, heartfelt face to face apology. I think it is likely the only way forward here in the hopes repairing the friendships. But she will also have to accept that they may not choose to forgive her and she may need to start building other relationships with others.

She also needs to ditch that Bestie, who is nothing of the sort!

Do they keep the same seats every year? Even when they are 16? Don't they pick different subjects by that age. It sounds like young children, the way they are treated. She should definitely move seats and say, sorry, I have to move away from the old best friend. She should just be open and honest really as they are reaching the end of their school years now.

Not sure if this is real but if you are, you need to resolve your own anxieties if your daughter is to resolve hers. This is teen drama and angst. Tell her to move on and don’t worry about all the ins and outs and what ifs. Just tell her it’ll get easier as she gets older and support her in finding new friends. You’re getting really caught up in it all and that’s not healthy.

Whilst the written apology is a nice start, I do believe being able to look into their eyes and convey just how deeply she feels bad for what happened and owning up to the role she played is critical to rebuilding the trust with them. Whilst she was clearly manipulated by her bestie, she still chose to take the actions she took (going to the teacher and acting passive aggressive towards the girls) instead of just speaking to these girls and asking them directly if the rumours were true.

I’m not suggesting she try to force herself on them as a friend, but no harm in following up the letter with an in person conversation with each girl individually so she can show them how much their friendship means to her.

That's up to them really. Your DD can't control their reaction to this

She doesn’t need to make a performance out of it. Perhaps wait until there’s a moment when she’s with them and she can just quietly and relatively casually just say something like “Look I know we’ve already spoken about what happened with xxx and I don’t want to drag it all up again and make a big thing of it, but I just wanted you to know I am so sorry for hurting you. You are a great friend(s) and you mean a lot to me. I do really appreciate you agreeing to put it behind us and stay friends.”

No, she can't, and trying to do so is not taking ownership of her role in it. If she tries to pass the blame, I think it will only hurt her case.

I would suggest your daughter forgets all about this situation, gets her head down, and concentrates on getting good grades in her exams. She can go to 6th form college for her A levels and will find a whole new set of friends there, and again if she goes to university. Very few people remain close friends with people they were at school with, and I think you and your daughter are blowing this out of all proportion. They are teenagers, teenagers, do daft things, she (and they) will look back on this episode with a wry smile in a year or so.

Being misled = believing bad things about them at the word of another. I'd think, "They believe that of me, so that says a lot about how they view me and about our friendship. No thanks."

She should have asked for proof before accusing. Granted lack of life experience might contribute and these can be hard lessons to learn, but the girls get to decide where to from here.