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Original poster

dd accidentally accused girls of serious things they never did

159 replies

BeWarmOtter · 21/06/2024 12:37

My dd is 15. We are not in the UK so she still has 2 years at her school with her cohort. At the start of the year, she got to know 2 girls in class. As they just got to know each other, dd's bestie told her that she overheard the girls calling her a pick me and was plotting to trick my dd into playing a sex game. My dd dismissed it at first but the bestie kept on telling her it, which made her freak out. The bestie suggested going to the form teacher about it, and dd went with her as she was so scared it might actually happen to her. She didnt know the girls well then.

The form teacher instructed dd not to interact with the girls anymore, but somehow dd felt upset about the instruction and continued to gauge interaction with the girls. She had the feeling that something isnt quite right and she missed the girls but she couldnt dictate what exactly was the issue. After the holidays, in a class my dd was having a little bit of fun with the girls as she had finished her work. That afternoon, her bestie informed her that a friend of the girls sent her text messages about how the girls was saying a bunch of really mean comments about dd. dd was really angry and upset and got passive aggressive with the girls.

The bestie promised to send dd the screenshots as prove but still couldnt send it for a week. The day when dd was literally rushing her to give her the screenshot she suddenly lost access to everything that she could have screenshotted with. When she could finally give dd a screenshot it was very obviously fake.

The girls believed that dd was part of the plot and they dont trust dd anymore. Around the same time dd discovered that the bestie was also making ridiculous things up about her other friends, aiming to isolate her with everyone but the bestie herself.

Dd felt horrible that she falsely accused the girls of the stuff to the form teacher as the girls got into trouble. She wrote them an apology letter but now she feels like its cringe. The girls have been acting weird around her; we are on holidays now and they snap her less often and replaced with surroundings instead of their usual selfie.

I want to give dd insights of how to navigate the situation but I don't have much. Any insights will be appreciated. She misses the girls but she doesnt want to make them feel pressured into anything. She cut ties with the bestie but now she is scared of her as the bestie already made fake screenshots of her badmouthing her good friend, who doesnt know who to believe.

OP posts:
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Teddybearpicniccelebration · 23/06/2024 10:35

Tell her be polite and keep her head down and focus on finishing her education because after that she won't see them again. Girls are awkward I have three daughters the things that they say and do is ridiculous.

MaryMack · 23/06/2024 10:31

Tell her to forget the best friend and the other girls. Tell her to concentrate on her studies. Then encourage her to do some extra curricular activities so she make different friends. She's blown it with this particular group of girls, they will never trust her again. She needs to accept that and stop obsessing about getting accepted by them again. It's not going to happen. Lukewarm friendliness is the most she can accept.

Original poster
BeWarmOtter · 22/06/2024 23:35

Trickabrick · 22/06/2024 14:56

100% this. You and your DD will need to accept that this situation may not be fixable, the others girls quite rightly probably will keep your DD at arms length (it’s what I’d be encouraging my child to do, apology or not). And she’s not going to know what to expect til she’s back at school so pondering all the possibilities is an utter waste of energy until she’s back in that environment.

Spend your time and energy helping her focus on other things, that’s the most supportive thing you can do.

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Thanks! I am not currently discussing this with dd, its just that she wants guidelines as to how she should act when school starts.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeWarmOtter · 22/06/2024 22:32

This reply has been deleted

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Woah just because i live in the same half of the globe? Not very helpful

OP posts:
knitknack · 22/06/2024 21:17

Shortfatsuit · 21/06/2024 13:49

I do feel terribly sorry for teachers having to deal with this sort of nonsense. Must be very wearing!

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I can’t describe how soul destroying it is.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 22/06/2024 20:42

Reckon you need to watch Mean Girls together and discuss frenemies.

Teddybearpicniccelebration · 22/06/2024 20:35

When she leaves school she will make new friends in new places. Tell her to focus on her education rather than gossip.

Teddybearpicniccelebration · 22/06/2024 20:34

BeWarmOtter · 22/06/2024 10:36

Dd feels like she shouldn't initiate interaction with the girls for a while unless they initiate it as she doesn't want to pressure them into talking to her or anything. The seat is right next to them, not just near them. She would be uncomfortable sitting next to ex-bestie but personally she would like to sit next to the girls, if it wasn't for the above concern.

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Why is your child going to school may I ask?

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 22/06/2024 17:07

Ozanj · 22/06/2024 01:58

If my children were falsely accused of those crimes I’d be doing everything in my power to get the accusers expelled or moved to another school. But failing that, as a minimum, I’d expect distance. Your DD needs to take this as a lesson in not to believe others blindly and move on. She must accept that she can’t be their friend any more.

Woah really? Either the 'everything in my power' bit or the 'must accept' comment. Your DD/DS never made a mistake?

I hope for your sake that their reputation remains untarnished throughout their lives.

FavRos · 22/06/2024 15:48

@LostTheMarble 🙄

Well I hope the many helpful and thoughtful posts will help someone else in that case.

I did think there were some inconsistencies.

Pointless.

Agapornis · 22/06/2024 15:18

I'd share her concerns re seat allocation with the school so they know before term starts.
Clearly the friend has problems. DD could threaten her with going to the police, or with making her own fake screenshots. (Threaten - don't actually make the screenshots!)

LostTheMarble · 22/06/2024 14:59

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Trickabrick · 22/06/2024 14:56

Liliee · 22/06/2024 14:16

Saying this with kindness, OP... You really need to model for your DD how to take your focus away from this situation for the time being. So choose an activity, craft or whatever to focus on this weekend. No more discussion or ruminating on this friendship issue.

There is no immediate answer anyone can give you, and you've had a lot of advice.

If you can't put this in perspective and focus on something else, then it's going to be very hard for your DD to.

100% this. You and your DD will need to accept that this situation may not be fixable, the others girls quite rightly probably will keep your DD at arms length (it’s what I’d be encouraging my child to do, apology or not). And she’s not going to know what to expect til she’s back at school so pondering all the possibilities is an utter waste of energy until she’s back in that environment.

Spend your time and energy helping her focus on other things, that’s the most supportive thing you can do.

HuevoRanchero · 22/06/2024 14:50

Liliee · 22/06/2024 14:16

Saying this with kindness, OP... You really need to model for your DD how to take your focus away from this situation for the time being. So choose an activity, craft or whatever to focus on this weekend. No more discussion or ruminating on this friendship issue.

There is no immediate answer anyone can give you, and you've had a lot of advice.

If you can't put this in perspective and focus on something else, then it's going to be very hard for your DD to.

And yes, also good point about modelling focusing elsewhere and not obsessing.

HuevoRanchero · 22/06/2024 14:49

willWillSmithsmith · 22/06/2024 08:52

I don’t ever want to hear or read the word ‘bestie’ again 😁

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Nor me. I’m not nit-picking here for the sake of it, OP, but I think you should drop the cringe terminology and encourage multiple friendships because it sounds as if your daughter’s BF got away with longterm bad behaviour because she had ‘special status’ as ‘best friend’. I would drop that expression, and try to model healthy friendships and ways of negotiating conflict.

Liliee · 22/06/2024 14:16

Saying this with kindness, OP... You really need to model for your DD how to take your focus away from this situation for the time being. So choose an activity, craft or whatever to focus on this weekend. No more discussion or ruminating on this friendship issue.

There is no immediate answer anyone can give you, and you've had a lot of advice.

If you can't put this in perspective and focus on something else, then it's going to be very hard for your DD to.

KrisAkabusi · 22/06/2024 13:44

At the end of the day, she snitched and really should't have.

What a load of nonsense! 'Snitched' Grow up!

Telling a teacher because you fear for your safety is exactly what we should be telling our children to do.

Oblomov24 · 22/06/2024 13:10

Probably best if she does nothing. Lie low for a bit. Quietly and subtly look for better friends. For now, talk to her about the lessons learnt from all of this.

Original poster
BeWarmOtter · 22/06/2024 13:05

Bump dd is really upset about this. She misses the girls and the worst thing is she is scared of the bestie once she gets back to school. She might have no one to hang out with as the bestie is now telling her other best friend lies about her with false proof.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeWarmOtter · 22/06/2024 12:41

FavRos · 22/06/2024 11:52

Did your dd tell you about everything before she spoke to her teacher?

A game where dd cannot say no.

Your dd never needed to tell the teacher. All she needed to know was that a. she should never play a game where she can't say 'no' and b. that no always means no regardless what game is being played.

Discuss the concept of consent and role play scenarios where your dd has to say no and walk away even if this means she'll be kicked out of a social group. Saying no is one of the most important things we can teach girls. Your OP is focused on these girls but even if they had suggested and initiated such a game it is up to your dd to know how to say no and say away from such people. I'd be quite worried about this weird bestie she sounds very manipulative.

Would your dd have played this game? Or would she have felt able to walk away?

Edited

No my dd didnt tell me anything until now. According to bestie she wont have the option to say no as they will physically restrain her in the bathroom when no one else is there. Yes dd told the bestie they cannot be friends anymore and now the bestie is making fake screenshots of her badmouthing people.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeWarmOtter · 22/06/2024 12:39

CherryBlossom321 · 22/06/2024 12:08

Can you elaborate? No is always an option, unless someone is being forced or coerced into something. In which case, “game” does not apply here.

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Now we know its all made up by bestie, the game was supposed to be when dd is a lone in the bathroom. There would allegedly be a few girls vs dd.

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 22/06/2024 12:08

BeWarmOtter · 22/06/2024 11:45

Its basically a game where dd cannot say no. The school.will deal with the situation after the holidays. Dd has spoken to the teacher but i havent spoken to anyone yet.

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Can you elaborate? No is always an option, unless someone is being forced or coerced into something. In which case, “game” does not apply here.

FavRos · 22/06/2024 11:52

Did your dd tell you about everything before she spoke to her teacher?

A game where dd cannot say no.

Your dd never needed to tell the teacher. All she needed to know was that a. she should never play a game where she can't say 'no' and b. that no always means no regardless what game is being played.

Discuss the concept of consent and role play scenarios where your dd has to say no and walk away even if this means she'll be kicked out of a social group. Saying no is one of the most important things we can teach girls. Your OP is focused on these girls but even if they had suggested and initiated such a game it is up to your dd to know how to say no and say away from such people. I'd be quite worried about this weird bestie she sounds very manipulative.

Would your dd have played this game? Or would she have felt able to walk away?

Original poster
BeWarmOtter · 22/06/2024 11:45

FavRos · 22/06/2024 11:41

Thank you! The only thing was the bestie was very specific in how she knew (she overheard) and did tell dd a specific sex game and even their specific plan.

What was the sex game? I have no notion what this could be?
Such talk from bestie is a massive 🚩she must have some issues. Have you spoken to bestie's parents about what she did? It's pretty serious. Has the school dealt with bestie? In fact have you spoken to the School and reported that besties misled and made false accusations?

Its basically a game where dd cannot say no. The school.will deal with the situation after the holidays. Dd has spoken to the teacher but i havent spoken to anyone yet.

OP posts:
Imnotsu · 22/06/2024 11:42

BeWarmOtter · 22/06/2024 11:40

Due to being ND changing environments like this might not be beneficial. This will pass fine as ling as dd handle it delicately.

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I'm nd myself so I understand, but the level of detail and stress you're going into on here makes it sound more stressful staying than a stressful move to a blank slate... But you've stopped saying bestie so I'll be grateful for that alone 😉😁😁😁

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