Starting primary school, a guide for parents

Prepare your child by practicing routines and developing basic self-care and social skills.
The first day can be emotional; stay positive, keep goodbyes brief, and be prepared for your child to be tired and potentially anxious in the first few weeks.
Common issues like separation anxiety or friendship problems may arise; work with teachers to address concerns.

The first day of starting primary school is a milestone that can fill both parent and child with a mix of excitement and anxiety. Beyond the emotions, there are also plenty of practical considerations that are surely keeping you busy.

From getting what you need from M&S' school uniform and John Lewis' school uniform ranges to finding the best school shoes (we hear schuh school shoes are a good place to start), there's plenty to consider on your shopping checklist. Preparation is key, after all, and while the transition may seem daunting compared to starting preschool, the good news is that it's a far cry from the challenges of starting secondary school.

So, as parents across the country wonder "when do kids go back to school?" and hunt for the latest school uniform sale, we've gathered some practical advice to help your child's move to "big school" on their first day of starting primary school as smooth as possible. For you and for them.

When will your child start primary school?

Most children start reception full-time in September after their fourth birthday. For example, if your child turns four years old in June, they’ll usually start school in September that same year.

If you want your child to start later

If you do not think your child is ready to start at their new school in September, you can defer and they can start later. For example, if your child only turns four in August, you might decide to wait before sending them to school. But they must be in full-time education by the time they reach ‘compulsory school age’ (five years old).

According to GOV.UK, your child can start:

part time
part-way through the year
in the next school year, in the September after they turn 5

Preparing for primary school

In the months before they start the term, you can begin to get your child ready for the big day. The drip drip campaign to persuade them that their new school is THE place to be probably starts when they have their primary school place confirmed in April.

To a four-year-old, April to September will seem a long time away, but you can tell that their school place has been confirmed, the name of their school, what colour their uniform will be and other exciting details that they can start to process ahead of time.

Here are a few more ways that you can help your child get ready for reception.

Communicate with the school

Find out as much as you can from the school about what the first day of starting primary school will be like, who might be in your child’s class, who their teacher will be and so on, so you can familiarise them in advance and share some useful snippets of information.

Equally, give the school as much info as you can about your child – does your DC have any big worries? Is there anything that they particularly needs help with? Most schools will ask you for all this information at some stage anyway and will have it in reports from their preschool setting, but it never hurts to mention things that might help, especially if your child has an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP). This plan will outline any specific needs or accommodations that your child requires, and it is important to communicate this with the school to ensure a proper care plan is in place for your child's education.

Talk it up...

Try to talk about school in a positive way, but don’t bang on about it relentlessly. Tell your child about your own school days – who your first teacher was and what you played at playtime. You might also like to read books with them about starting primary school.

…but keep it real

While it’s great to tell your child what to expect and be positive, don't oversell it. Most children like school and find it fun, but talking about how fantastic it is and how they'll always have lots of lovely children to play with may not be realistic.

Be positive, but also warn them gently that they may get tired and if they have any problems or feel sad they should tell their teacher who wants everyone there to be happy and safe.

Related: Tips for starting preschool

Build familiarity with the school

If your child hasn't been to the school's nursery and doesn't have siblings there already, think about familiarising them early. You'll likely be invited with your DC to a stay and play session and/or a transition morning in the last few weeks of the term before summer.

Rehearse the school routine

Run through the new daily routine. Explain that there will be staggered starts for different groups of children and that the school day will be longer than at nursery.

Talk about school rules

Some children get confused or anxious about school rules so keep it light. They may worry they won't hear the school bell, won't line up in time and then get some fearful punishment.

Reassure them that the rules are all just about keeping everyone safe and happy and that their teacher will let them know what to do but they can always ask.

Work on 'life skills' and independence

Forget phonics and early maths, the one thing your child’s teacher will really thank you for and will help your child get on is being independent about day-to-day tasks. Teach them to hang up their coat and bag, put their own shoes on and get changed for PE. Also show them how to fold her clothes and keep them together. If they can learn personal organisation it will save you a fortune on lost uniform. Find out how lunch works and practise things like washing their hands before and after meals, and keeping themselves clean during mealtimes. Make sure to involve your child in choosing and labeling their supplies, and surprise them with something special in their bag. Even young children should have a book bag for their reading folder or other important items that come home every day.

Practise the school run

It's worth taking the school run route with your child a few times, and pointing out where the entrance is and things you will see on the journey. Children like the expected because it makes them feel safe – the fewer surprises on the first day, the better.

Get them loo confident

It's common – and often mortifying – for children to wet themselves, especially in the first few terms. Children often don't like the school toilets (and who can blame them) so they will often hang on until it's too late.

Have a word with the teacher if you have a child who’s particularly young in year or just a bit slow on the uptake with going to the loo, but also give your child a change of pants to keep in their bag so they can avoid the embarrassment of telling the teacher if they prefer.

Also make sure that as well as remembering to go, your child knows what to do when in there – how to pull up pants and wipe properly. Teach them how to flush the loo and wash their hands properly.

What does my child need to know before starting primary school?

Don’t panic about this one. There is such a difference between September-born kids and summer babies, those with older siblings and those without, brain boxes and average Joes and Joannas. And it all shakes down in the end. But here are a few things it’s worth having a stab at before they start school, that might just give them a bit more confidence in the early weeks.

Be able to go to the toilet alone and wash hands well.
Be able to change in and out of a PE kit.
Be able to put their own shoes on.
Recognise their name (both hearing it and seeing it written down).
Be able to write their own name so they can label their work.
Be familiar with the letters of the alphabet.
Be familiar with the numbers up to 20.

Remember that some children will be upset to discover that others in their class can already read and they can’t. Just reassure them that they will also be able to read soon, and ensure they continue to enjoy books, with lots of story time at home etc. And definitely don’t sweat it yourself. If other parents want to spend their summer cramming Biff, Chip and Kipper in advance while you were enjoying a much-needed holiday, that’s their loss.

Tips for starting primary school

When September looms and the time comes to make the big break, be prepared for a few tears, possibly on both sides. But with a bit of forward planning and some clever PR, you should both be in the swing of it in no time.

First day of starting primary school advice

Try to make the morning as relaxed as possible. If you can take a day off work so it’s less of a rush, even better. Most start Year R children off on half days, so you may find they finish before lunch (and your first day of leisure is significantly shorter than you had imagined).

Take your (hopefully well-rehearsed) route to school arriving – not first hopefully – but with plenty of time to spare.

Avoid having a lengthy farewell. Children settle in much better if parents send them in confidently, smiling, wishing them well. Then you can go and weep round the corner.

Schools will likely have staggered finishing times for different year groups to reduce the number of parents arriving at the same time, so make sure you’re there at the correct time to pick up your child. Children are usually starving by home time, so you may also want to bring a healthy snack to pick up.

After their day, try not to bombard your child with questions and don’t be surprised if they can’t remember much at all. It’s a lot to take in. They're likely to be tired, so don’t arrange anything too taxing for that afternoon, but a treat to celebrate a successful first day – ice cream in the park, anyone? – is probably in order. When your child gets home, let them have a rest and adjust to their new routine. You may want to let them watch telly for a while to unwind. If ever quality time was needed, it's now. You can ask them what happened during their day but be prepared to hear “nothing.” Try not to interrogate them.

How to resolve problems with starting primary school

If it all seems to go pear-shaped early doors, don’t panic. It’s a rare child that has absolutely no worries about starting primary school, but rarer still is the child that doesn’t eventually settle in. Here are a few common problems and strategies for dealing with them.

What to do if your child doesn't like school

You child may suddenly refuse to go, have tummy aches at the school gate in the morning or refuse to go into the classroom. This can even happen after your child has happily skipped into school the previous day. Don't panic or get impatient (even though it will always happen when you really don't have time to talk them round).

Gently try to find out why – if there has been an incident in the playground or if they're worried about the work or the other kids. Children can say very painful things, such as “I don’t think anyone likes me.” This is usually not true but you need to listen and talk to their teacher.

Separation anxiety

Separation anxiety tends to affect younger children, but the start of school can sometimes kick off the same old worries. It sounds obvious but do make sure your child knows that you, or whoever is dropping them off, will come back (eventually) and they aren’t being left for good.

If they're terribly distraught on successive days, discuss strategies with the teacher. Good reception/P1 teachers are expert at looking after upset children and don't mind if you leave a screaming child. Ask if you can phone the school office later to check your child's OK. Children don't cry for as long as you imagine they will.

Playground worries

Some children are naturally outgoing, physically capable and cope well in the playground. Others hang round the edges and can't work out how to get into the games. We all hope it's not our child who is moping on the sidelines but, if it is, there are things you can suggest they do.

Tell them to ask an adult in the playground to help. They should say: “I want to play, but I don't know how.” It’s also worth encouraging them to ask to join in games at times when you’re present as ‘back up.’ Schools try to help children make friends and teachers will do sessions about sharing and taking turns and making sure no one is left out.

Friendship issues

Be prepared for the constant revolving door that is primary school friendships. If your child has made a friend at school but has a falling out or the friend has drifted off, it can feel pretty big in their world, but do resist the temptation to bustle in and dispense justice.

Instead, you can help them to negotiate to sort out a disagreement. Encourage them to tell you their side of the story and then ask how the friend feels and what your DC thinks should happen.

Having ‘lots of friends’ rather than a ‘best’ friend is the best way to shore your child up against best friend heartbreak, so do all you can to encourage a wide range of friendships, especially during the summer holidays. You could arrange playdates or other social activities for your child to get to know other children before starting with them. Additionally, it may be helpful to mention any friendship issues to the teacher, as they may be able to ‘set them up’ with a friend for playtime or a classroom activity to help your child form some new friendships.

Behaviour at home when starting primary school

In the first year, and especially the first term, children can be extremely tired. So, cut them a bit of slack and be prepared for the odd tantrum or a few tears in the afternoons/evenings.

Most reception/P1 children go to bed between 7pm and 7.30pm and a routine with a bath can be calming for a child after a long day at school. You might even find (particularly as half-term draws near) that they get themselves ready for bed and toddles upstairs at 5.30pm (or simply falls asleep face first in their dinner). This is pretty normal and nothing to worry about. If you think they're really overtired and it would be viable for you, you could talk to the school about letting them do some half days for a short time. They’re usually very flexible about this, especially with children who are ‘young in year.’

Do children get homework in reception?

This differs from school to school. Most will at least expect them to do some reading with you a few times a week. Some may set other little projects or a few sums occasionally, though not usually in the first term.

Don't worry too much about homework. Mostly you’ll find it isn’t compulsory at all. If your child is resistant, sit with them and do it together. If they’re really getting stressed out by the idea or are just too tired, speak to their teacher about it.

Your feelings about your child starting primary school

The start of school can feel quite emotional, particularly if it’s your first child or last child (or both!). Try not to sob openly as you say goodbye on the first day. Your child needs to feel confident. So, even if you're still scarred by your first day at school, act normal and be supportive.

The house can feel empty if your little one has always been around for some of the day and then they're gone for all of it. Make the most of the time and find a way to fill it that suits you – you may want to pick up some hours at work, take up a hobby, volunteer or simply luxuriate in the peace and quiet. Don't forget, the holidays are always round the corner so you won’t be missing them for long.

Mumsnet user advice about starting primary school

Advice from parents who have been there and pushed their child firmly through the door of reception:

“See if you can find out who will be starting in September and have some get togethers over the summer. Your child will cope just fine with full days. Early to bed for the first few weeks of term!” Galvia

"My advice would be watch and learn. Don’t get too friendly too quickly, be pleasant to everyone but don’t expect to find your future BFF in the first week! Don’t listen to gossip or join in, just smile and nod. Adopt a watch and wait approach. Don’t assume people who know eachother are cliquey, they might just have older siblings who play together or something." Hoppinggreen

"I joined the PTA and that helped me get to know lots of other mums." APurpleSquirrel

"How filthy they get and how tired they get. When school say to name everything they really mean it, so much stuff gets lost/ swapped and obviously it all looks the same!" InDubiousBattle

You can talk to other parents on our primary school forum and/or our behaviour and development forum. And if you're indecently happy about the prospect of a few child-free hours a day, you can share your happiness there too.

About the author

Rebecca Roberts is a writer, editor, and content marketing expert hailing from Leeds. Here at Mumsnet, she commissions, writes, and edits to bring parents content designed to make life easier. With her eldest DC starting primary school this September, she’s personally trying to navigate back-to-school shopping and is on a quest to find the best, most affordable school uniform and school essentials for kids.

Beyond her role as an editor here at Mumsnet, Rebecca can be found balancing life as a working mum of two toddlers and when she’s not at her desk, you’ll likely find her at a local playgroup, in a nearby coffee shop, or walking the dog up and down country lanes.