Starting secondary school, a guide for parents

Help children navigate increased independence and organisation
Common concerns include getting lost, making friends, managing homework
This transition brings both emotional challenges and benefits for parents

As the summer holidays wind down, many parents find themselves wondering when do kids go back to school in the UK ? The transition while starting secondary school is a huge milestone, often more challenging than the start of primary education. While your child may shed fewer tears this time, there's a lot more to navigate for both of you.

The shift from the nurturing environment of primary school to the more independent world of secondary education can feel overwhelming. However, with the right preparation, you can make this transition smoother. Just as you might have looked for tips for starting preschool years ago, now it's time to gather advice for this new chapter.

Before the big day arrives, you'll likely be on the hunt for a school uniform sale to kit out your growing child. But beyond the practicalities of new clothes and supplies, there's a wealth of knowledge to be gained from experienced parents who've been through this before.

To help you and your child navigate this exciting yet challenging time, we've compiled wisdom from Mumsnet users on how to make the start of starting secondary school easier. Consider this your comprehensive guide to mastering Year 7, ensuring both you and your child feel prepared and confident for this new adventure.

How to prepare your child for starting secondary school

1. Tell them what to expect

Familiarity is your friend when it comes to helping your child get ready for Year 7 and there’s lots you can do before the start of term to make everything seem more recognisable and less overwhelming.

Often, the most stressful part of the transition when starting secondary school is fear of the unknown (or fear of all the total rubbish older friends and siblings will have filled their heads with – think year-long detentions and the like). And knowledge is power, as they say, so clue them in as much as possible on what to expect, including important dates such as open evenings and admissions deadlines for local schools.

It might help to address some of the aspects of school that concern them the most and have a chat about what’s likely and what isn’t, and how to react if one of their worries comes to fruition. Some of the most common worries include:

Getting lost in the school
Forgetting the way home
Not knowing how the lunch system works
Getting into trouble accidentally
Not making any friends
The work being too hard

Mumsnetters say

"I'd suggest working with your child and following their cues. Not all children want to discuss their day in detail or be organised the way you think they should be! Be their to offer support and advice, if wanted, but ultimately you have to let your child find their own way." RedskyLastNight

2. Practise the journey to school and stay connected

his may now be the start of your child finding more independence and beginning to walk or take the bus to school on their own. Do at least one trial journey with them, as well as a trial of any alternative routes/modes of transport home, in case their usual way is disrupted.

Children may also benefit from a mobile phone (if you haven't succumbed already) so that they can contact you whenever they need to and vice versa. And it doesn’t have to be the latest iPhone either. You can buy budget, child-friendly mobile phones and SIM-only plans that will do the job nicely and help them feel confident that they can get from A to B with ease while keeping you in control and top of their usage and monthly spend.

Mumsnetters say

“I'd definitely give her a phone during this year. Christmas or Birthday whenever is the most suitable point in time.

"I think a contract attached to your account is easier than PAYG, but that's a shop around. Contracts can be capped so they can't spend more than their allowance of data, text and minutes." Dinoteeth

3. Help them to develop their independence

The biggest change for your child is that the responsibility for what they do at school suddenly shifts from you to them. You no longer have to see the head teacher if your child is repeatedly late for school – it's your child who gets the detention.

The secret is personal organisation (theirs not yours). Some children are better at it than others, but the more you expect them to do for themselves at home, the better they'll be at managing what's expected of them at school.

Your child will go from having one teacher to a whole host of them and will need to bring the right books to the right lessons. Give them a few storage boxes so that they can house the books they bring home from school for homework, and help them set up folders or books for their subjects. Clear labels and a different coloured folder or book for each subject can help them develop their organisational skills and independence.

It’s also a good idea to get your child more streetwise in the run up to starting secondary school, so that they can get to and from school alone, buy what they need from a shop, know who to call if they’re late etc. Things like practising road safety, walking home alone (or to a friend’s) or going to the shops on errands for you will help with this.

Mumsnetters say

"We gave more freedom in Y6 - going to the local park with friends - but with clear rules, where he was and wasn't allowed to go, if his friends went home he needed to come home, timeframes etc. We let him have a phone at about this point in Y6 partly so we could keep an eye on where he was and that he was sticking to the rules, could contact him if he overran etc. There were one or two wobbles but mostly he's been great and the transition to Y7 was pretty smooth." JassyRadlett

4. Encourage good time management

In the first few terms at secondary, it's worth persuading your child to get to school early. If your child travels on public transport, leaving a little earlier will mean it’s likely to be less crowded and they'll be less stressed if they get to school with some time to spare to get organised for the first few lessons. Don't forget to apply for a bus pass in good time if your Local Education Authority provides transportation costs. This will ensure your child has a safe and reliable way to get to school.

Be prepared for the fact that, if your child does have to get up earlier, they can really feel tired as the term wears on.

Mumsnetters say

"Go with him a few times and then let him make the journey himself a few times. He will likely very quickly make some friends on the same journey once he starts." SarahBellam

5. Negotiate the secondary school uniform maze

Don't believe everything your child tells you about how they will “die from embarrassment” if you buy them a regulation skirt, but you may well need to compromise. If you can get to a secondhand sale, do so, but you can also buy budget-friendly school uniform pieces from a variety of well-known retailers.

Other secondary school ‘kit’

Some schools hand out a checklist at induction of the bits and bobs that pupils will need to bring to secondary school – calculator, compass, pens and pencils, PE kit, memory stick and such – or you might be able to find one on the school’s website.

Mumsnetters say

"DS has lost yet another item of PE kit. Apparently they all take off their kit in the changing rooms and pick up each other’s stuff. Everything is labelled, down to individual socks. Where on earth does it go?" HamishDent

Networking for secondary school

If they’re lucky, your child will be moving up to secondary school with lots of friends and, even though their new school is likely to be much, much bigger, they should be able to spot some familiar faces in the throng. Encourage them to make new friends and explore new opportunities. Learning a musical instrument, trying a new sport or joining a drama class are great ways for your child to meet new people and get involved in school activities. Try and get them together with some of their friends from Year 6 moving up with them over the summer.

The summer between Years 6 and 7 is likely to be the one where they become really independent, heading off to the shops, cinema and swimming pool with their friends, so there’s plenty of opportunity for them to bond before September rolls around.

It can be hard if they’re going to a different school from the majority of their friends. If that’s the case, you can post on local social media sites and ask if there’s a group for Year 7 starters and their families. There will be others in the same boat wanting to make a few friends before term starts.

Some schools, particularly in the private sector, run summer camps over the summer holidays, so it’s worth asking around to find out if those are well-attended by the pupils from the school. This will allow your child the chance to meet some of their cohort before school starts.

But if that’s not possible, don’t panic. Nearly everyone says that friendships change dramatically in the first few weeks of Year 7. While it’s nice to have the ‘comfort blanket’ of starting secondary school with friends, your child will soon make new ones as the year progresses.

First day at secondary school

Make sure alarms are set nice and early so there’s no rushing around on their first day of starting secondary school. Get them to lay everything out the night before too so that they aren’t having to turn their room upside down looking for their school shoes.

Take a view on breakfast. On the one hand, it can be calming for children to sit down with their family at the start of their first day (though that depends on how calming they find the family). On the other hand, you may well get up at 6am to make them a bacon sandwich and find they can’t so much as look at a bowl of cereal for nerves. A banana on their way out the door will do in that case.

If possible, set them up with another friend to walk or get public transport with on the first day. Not only is it less daunting to do the journey with someone else, but it’s also much less daunting to walk into the school with a mate.

Expect them to be exhausted – not just on their first day, but for the first few weeks. They might be getting up earlier, walking a lot further each day and taking in a lot of new information. Try to keep weekends clear and encourage them to take it easy after school.

If your work allows, it’s great to be there when they get home on their first day of starting secondary school. They’ll probably ignore you and tell you nothing about their day at all, but it can be a big comfort to have a parent there when they get home.

Mumsnetters say

"Don't worry if it takes them a little while to settle in and find their tribe. My DD is in year 10 and no one is still friends with their year 7 friends." Number24Bus

"Secondary is a dream and such a relief. I loved the fact that DS1 actually started developing interests and hobbies as well rather than just blindly following along whatever was cool in his class that week." BertieBotts

How to survive the transition to secondary school

It's clear in the first few days that secondary school is a very different kettle of fish to primary school and requires previously untested skills of organisation and self-motivation from your 11-year-old.

Even so, brace yourself for a slew of lost items of clothing, footwear and more. You’ll become familiar with the ‘it just vanished’ school of lost property. In fairness, it's hard for kids to keep track of everything, but it can be difficult to stay patient when they misplace things as mysterious as shoes and underwear. Go easy on them, as they won’t be the only pupil to do this, but your child will benefit from knowing that if they don't put something away in their locker at school, no one will do it for them.

There’s an expectation that your child will be responsible for his or her own belongings, homework and life from Year 7, but the reality is that if you don’t want them in detention most days and do want to be kept abreast of events at school, you’ll need to still need to be involved to some extent at this stage.

Related: Best school shoes for all ages

Making friends at secondary school

Schools often let you suggest someone your child would like to have in the same form as them, which can help with settling in, although friendships change remarkably quickly in the first few terms.

A form tutor can also put your child next to someone in the class who will be supportive, but your child will need to develop strategies to cope with what is often a noisy, busy secondary school and this can take time. Reminding them to smile and be approachable will really help. There will be others out there looking for a new friend too, so looking like a likely candidate is often a good start. If your child continues to struggle with making friends after a few weeks, it may be beneficial to speak with their teacher, year level coordinator, welfare coordinator, or GP for additional support.

It can be helpful to give your child some idea of what to expect of friendships – that it isn't always easy to make friends and that friendship groups do change early on. You can reassure them that things almost always work out and they'll be able to deal with it. Encourage your child to look at the positive side of the move to secondary, such as the opportunity to make new friends and try new extracurricular activities. It's also important to talk with your child about keeping in touch with old friends and making new friends at their new school.

It’s also a good idea to encourage them to join an extracurricular club or activity where they’ll have the chance to meet others that they wouldn’t ordinarily have crossed paths with.

If you hear of friendship disputes, remain a beacon of calm reassurance. Resist the temptation to tear up to the school yourself and instead wait to see if your child can resolve it on their own. It depends how open your child is to talking to you about these things, but you should encourage them to tell you if they feel bullied or excluded, and ask them what they think might solve it. If you're still worried, you can talk to their tutor.

All change is difficult and most children manage, but it's not uncommon for children to feel overwhelmed. If there's something wrong in their class and they're unhappy (maybe the dynamic just isn't right for them), schools will occasionally move a child into another tutor group, but be prepared to be told there is no Schengen area in secondary and it won’t be possible.

Many schools have mentoring systems where older children, who may have struggled further down the school and developed ways of dealing with it, mentor younger children having similar problems, or simple buddy systems within each year group. If you have concerns, it’s worth a phone call just to find out what they have in place.

Managing homework at secondary school

There’s no getting around it - homework steps up a gear from Year 7. It’s worth making this clear beforehand and talking to them about how they’re going to fit it in around their hectic schedule of tearing through your fridge, watching TV and playing XBox. Most teachers recommend a break of half an hour after they get home to decompress a bit and then getting stuck in before it gets too late.

A fair (and increasing) amount of homework requires a computer or laptop. Most schools and libraries have computers schoolchildren can use for homework, but it's easier for your child if they can use a computer at home. It’s also a good idea to encourage them to get their typing speed up, which will make everything a bit quicker.

Most schools provide children with a weekly planner that contains their timetable, with a space at the end of each week for the parent and teacher to write notes to each other. Before your child gets the chance to deface it, photocopy their timetable and stick it somewhere your child will see it. This will enable you to challenge your child when he or she swears they don't have any homework.

Mumsnetters say

"In Year 7 I might cajole a child and encourage them but I would not sit down with them and check it or make them do more. I want them to learn the natural consequences of not putting in much effort - lower grades, friends doing better, lunchtime support sessions etc. They won't have me to check up on them at work/ uni. I would though offer help to a child who was struggling." Cattitudes

"I still help my DD with homework. I offer advice and encourage improvement as it is being done. Sometimes she doesn’t need help so I let her get on with it but I would say 80% of the time I get involved." Mummadeze

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Overcoming worries about getting lost

For many children, the most common fears about starting secondary school centred around getting lost. They worry that they won’t find their way there, that when they get there they’ll get lost or that, at the end of the school day, they won’t find their way home. Here are a few tips that will help:

Practise the route to school and write it down on a piece of paper or take a small map print out just in case.
Same goes for train and bus times – make sure they’re familiar with the times of transport departures and that they have a print-out of them so they can work out what to do if they do happen to miss a train or bus.
Make sure they know your phone number off by heart so if they don’t have a mobile phone or lose it, they can borrow someone else’s or use a payphone.
Tell them what to do if they get lost between lessons - they should always keep their timetable to hand so that they know what lesson they have next or knock on a classroom door and ask for help if they get lost.
Help them to familiarise themselves with a floor map of the school. If you’re feeling so inclined, you could build a scale model from bits of old cereal packet and relive some of your primary school project days.
Ensure they know where they can go if they lose their money for their fare home or get lost or waylaid - whether that’s a friend’s house en route or a local library where you can meet them.
Remind them that in all likelihood, NONE of these things will ever happen and they’ll be fine, and that everyone will be in the same boat.

Dealing with your own feelings about your child starting secondary school

It can be challenging to see your child going off to secondary school. It's another landmark, another milestone, and another sign that they're more grown-up and that much more independent. But cast your mind back to the little person you left on that first day at primary school, how you felt then and how far you’ve come. As they transition while starting secondary school, they will have to navigate new challenges and different teachers for different subjects. It's important to support them through this change and acknowledge your own feelings about their growing independence.

Though it feels like a big change in many ways, starting secondary school isn’t the milestone that primary was for parents. You’re not coming home to an empty house for the first time, buying uniform two sizes too big for the first time, or facing the reality that they’re no longer your baby.

There are also definite positives to being a secondary school parent rather than a primary one. No more school gate drop-offs and collects, no more having costumes sprung on you for the next day only seconds after the shops close, no more requests for cakes for bake sales, and no more nits (or a lot less frequently at any rate).

And sometimes, just sometimes, after you’ve helped them sort out their homework, listened to their friendship woes and argued about how late they can stay out on Friday, they’ll bring you a cup of tea and a slice of toast for no reason at all.

Mumsnetters say

"Yes, very normal, its the end of an era. The kick for me was the induction meeting for parents, when the headmaster talked about his job being to make them independent, ready to go out into the world alone! Of course he was right, but it was a knife twist. Its amazing to see them develop through senior school, but suddenly they aren't babies anymore." Alexandernevermind

About the author

Rebecca Roberts is a writer, editor, and content marketing expert hailing from Leeds. Here at Mumsnet, she commissions, writes, and edits to bring parents content designed to make life easier. With her eldest DC starting school this September, she’s personally trying to navigate back-to-school shopping and is on a quest to find the best, most affordable school uniform and school essentials for kids.

Beyond her role as an editor here at Mumsnet, Rebecca can be found balancing life as a working mum of two toddlers and when she’s not at her desk, you’ll likely find her at a local playgroup, in a nearby coffee shop, or walking the dog up and down country lanes.