Sleep training: controlled crying and no-tears methods

Sleep training is usually only considered by parents dealing with long-term wailing in the wee hours. We're not talking about the perfectly normal (but still nerve-shredding) small baby habit of waking up in the night to feed, or a temporary sleep blip, caused by illness or teething or a change of routine. We're talking about the persistent, sanity-shattering, night-waking that's perfected by some babies over six months old who really don't need to wake up (for milk or medicine or reassurance in a strange place) but who do it anyway – a lot.

We turned to sleep consultant Janine Orford of The Bedtime Champ for her expert take on this most thorny of baby sleep topics.

-Janine Orford, sleep consultant

Put simply, sleep training is all about teaching your baby to settle himself back to sleep in his cot when he wakes at night, rather than relying on you to get up and feed him or soothe him back to sleep. You achieve this state of bliss either by not going straight to your baby when he wakes, or by responding to him in a particular (and rather lukewarm) way. This is, in effect, the 'tough love' solution to sleepless nights.

Many experts will say that your baby has probably acquired a 'sleep association', which, roughly speaking, means he has got used to waking up in the night and receiving a hug (aaaw, though!)

Being responsive to and comforting your baby every time they wake is completely natural, but sometimes if it continues over a long period of time it can create a habit that becomes difficult to break. This isn’t a problem if it isn’t a problem for you. Know that it won’t last forever, and if the number of wake ups and the input required is sustainable for you, don’t feel pressured into making any changes.

However for some families, the sheer number of wake ups, and the amount of physical assistance their child needs to get to sleep and stay asleep can become unsustainable and it’s for those families that sleep training can be a real sanity saver.

Related: The best baby monitors, as recommended by Mumsnetters

What is sleep training?

Do I have to sleep train my baby?

Absolutely not! Many parents just muddle through for various reasons. It might be that it seems less stressful (both for you and your baby) to just ride it out than to take the bull by the horns. It might be that your baby has health issues, such as reflux or having been born prematurely, that make you feel they do need that comfort when they wake in the night. Or perhaps you just don't find your baby's slightly chaotic sleep pattern too difficult to deal with and so it's just not worth the hassle. If it ain't broke, after all…

As anyone who starts a discussion on sleep training soon discovers, there are those who think it is cruel, and others who view it as a necessary evil (“It was the hardest decision we ever made, for the reasons you have stated, but the best one we made! All 3 of us were soooo much happier within days!” -Cincills) and some who simply love it (“Sleep training worked for us after a couple of nights, it was amazing.”-BurrosTail).

What age can you start to sleep train a baby?

Experts suggest that six months is a good time to start, but it's a personal choice. Opinions vary but a baby can't really settle himself until around three months old, so there's absolutely no point in trying before that stage. Some of the sleep training methods require you to leave your baby and return to comfort them at intervals, but small babies do not understand the concept of ‘object permanence’ until around 6-8 months of age. So until that point, they are unable to understand that if you leave the room you are going to come back.

Also, if your baby is still at the stage of needing night feeds, there's only so much ignoring him you can do, so many parents wait until weaning is underway. If you are breastfeeding, it’s also important to remember that cutting out night feeds can severely impact your supply during the day. You might feel there would be real benefits to starting early or you may think your baby is nowhere near ready yet and prefer to leave it a little longer.

You can also implement positive sleep habits at any age:

• Follow age appropriate sleep schedules to prevent overtiredness

• Develop a consistent and calming bedtime routine to help your baby understand when it’s time for bed

• Make sure your baby's sleeping environment is optimal for sleep

You can also practice trying to put your baby to sleep in their cot from awake - although for tiny babies that’s often a losing battle.

Read next: The best baby sleeping bags, according to Mumsnetters

Which sleep training methods are best?

The plan you choose will depend on your baby's temperament (and yours, too!) If you have a Velcro child, whose lip quivers every time you look like you might be about to nip into the kitchen to make a cuppa, you may want to go for one of the gentler methods. If you're a rip-off-the-plaster-in-one-go type and the thought of spending many evenings moving a chair progressively a few inches further from the cot makes you feel like crying yourself, you might be best advised to try a shorter and sharper plan.

There are many different types of plan but they can be roughly divided into two categories: controlled crying and no tears (there are several methods under the 'no tears' umbrella). Here's a guide to some of the most popular methods.

Although, even the methods marketed as ‘no tears’ can involve some amount of crying as you try to make changes to your child’s routine.

Controlled crying

Also known as ‘the Ferber method’ or ‘pop-ins’. Don't make the mistake of thinking that this simply means letting your baby cry himself to sleep (that would be “uncontrolled crying”, otherwise known as hell).

Gurus of the method recommend that you put your baby in his cot then leave the room. If he starts crying, wait for three minutes before going in to comfort him. Then leave the room again.

-Advice from Mumsnet user OvariesBeforeBrovaries

If your baby continues crying, repeat the process, waiting slightly longer each time before you go back to comfort him - here's a guide to recommended timings (although these can be tweaked to suit you and your baby). The longer intervals are supposed to teach your baby that you won't automatically come to him when he cries. Eventually, the idea is that babies learn to go to sleep by themselves.

Why Mumsnetters like it: “Worked a treat for us. Took us about 4 nights using controlled crying at 6 months for DS to start sleeping though. He's now 21 and a happy little sausage. So no harm done.” -ForeverWeBlend

Why it might not work: “It’s not easy, it’s really hard to hear them cry but after that first night it’s much much easier. Consistency is key though, you have to stick to it and not go and pick the baby up after 20 mins or something or it’s not fair on them." -ShirleyPhallus

Things to remember if you decide controlled crying is for you

The method is not recommended for babies under six months. This is partly because younger babies tend to respond well to the gentler no tears methods, and partly because, before six months, you can't really rule out the possibility that your baby may be waking for (and needing) a feed in the night – even if he hasn't needed one for several weeks (growth spurts can make babies super hungry).

Be consistent. This is the golden rule. It's no good doing it one night and then not bothering the next. If you want sleep training to work, you need to keep at it and your partner needs to be signed up to it, too. This is particularly important with controlled crying: the most common reason for controlled crying not working is one or other parent 'cracking' before their child does.

The crying will escalate after you check them. If leaving your child for five minutes is too difficult, start with shorter timings. The key is to increase the length between checking (reassuring yourself and letting your baby know you're still nearby) – if you start with two minutes, then increase it to four minutes, and so on.

You're not just doing it for you. Training your baby to self-settle at night will probably have positive knock-on effects on his general temperament during waking hours, as well as yours.

Your child won't love you any less in the morning. A crying baby can sound full of fury and resentment towards you. Of course, that's not the case and, even when he's screaming, rest assured he loves and depends on you.

No tears – the more gentle methods

If you decide that the above is not for you, here are several less stressful methods for you to try. All require you to establish a soothing bedtime routine.

Pick up, put down

“No tears” doesn't necessarily mean no stress and this method can be pretty demanding for parents. Make sure you share the load with your partner, as repeatedly picking up and putting down a baby can take a toll on your back. You'll need patience and resilience to crack this one but, at the very least, it's easier on your ears and nerves than controlled crying. You need to adopt a rather businesslike manner with your baby which won't come naturally. But it's worth it if you can make the effort.

-Advice from Mumsnet user PatronSaintOfDucks

In terms of what you do, it's self-explanatory really. First, put your baby in his cot. When he starts crying, pick him up without fussing. You don't have to be brusque but try to avoid sounding like you feel too sorry for him. You need to let him know that this is when he should be sleeping. Soothe and 'ssh' him until he stops crying. Saying something repetitive in a monotonous tone of voice like, 'Night night. Sleep time now,' should help calm both you and him. When he stops crying put him down immediately. If he starts crying again, repeat the process until he settles.

Why Mumsnetters like it: “I couldn't abide the thought of long bouts of crying so we tried pick up, put down with our daughter at five months. It worked well for us. Took a couple of weeks to nail it properly but we got good results.” -CamelKnees

Why it might not work: “Tried it with my daughter. Awful. Did nothing except feed her hysteria. And apparently it's quite bad for refluxy babies. Felt terribly guilty when I heard that.” -Mitsouko

Gradual retreat

This method is also known as ‘the Chair method’ or ‘the Sleep Lady Shuffle’ and the idea of this method is for you to reduce the distance between you and your child's crib over time, as well as the amount of comfort you offer. For this method to succeed you need to have already established a regular bedtime routine and you need to place your baby in their cot from awake. On night one you will begin by sitting on a chair right next to your baby's cot – that way he is in position to fall asleep but will know you're still close. When he starts to cry, pat him. Make soothing sounds but try to avoid eye contact.

Remain in the room until your baby falls asleep and then quietly leave. If he wakes up again then repeat this process, retreating from the cot a little at a time until he falls asleep and stays asleep.

Every few nights you will move the chair further away from the cot until the point where you are out of the room.

Why Mumsnetters like it: “I have just done several weeks of gradual retreat with good success. For the first few days I sat right by my son's cot with my hand on his back to reassure him and then started moving backwards very slowly each night. Just take it slowly and see what happens!” -moojie

Why it might not work: “I did the moving gradually out the room method after the crying to sleep didn't work for us(2 weeks where he cried for 3 hours every night). But first I had to get him to lie down. Think it was a tip from Baby whisperer book. Stayed in room, laid him down. He popped straight up in cot. Just said "time for bed" and laid him down. He popped straight up, so repeated myself "time for bed". I was in there for an hour before he stayed lying down." -Wherehaveiputmywine

Related: The best nursing chairs for comfortable feeding

Possible solutions include cutting down on daytime naps and giving your baby lots of physical play so that, at night, they're tired out and more likely to sleep through. You could also put up blackout blinds, as some babies are very sensitive to light, so prone to waking at the crack of dawn.

-Experience of Mumsnet user MrsJaffaCakeAddict

If all else fails the wake to sleep method could be worth trying. This potentially gruelling technique involves doing the very thing that most parents are trying to avoid – waking the baby. That's right, if your baby is in the habit of rising early then beat them to it with a pre-emptive wake up.

Say your baby keeps waking up at 05:30. Set your alarm for 04:30. Wake your baby at this time. They will probably be cross and keen to get back to sleep. Once they've done that they might well sleep through to the kind of time – 07:30 or 08:00, say – when the rest of the world is getting up. Repeat the process for the next two nights then, on the third night, don't set the alarm and see if your baby sleeps through to their new, more civilised wake up time. It's a gamble but, according to some Mumsnetters, it works.

Why Mumsnetters like it: “I've just done this for three nights and we've gone from 4.45 wake ups to 6.15 :) it's amazing how much better it is! I feel far more rested.” -bigkidsdidit

Why it might not work: “I tried wake to sleep last night, after seven months of my son waking at 5am, but I am finding it very difficult to get back to sleep. He did sleep until 6am though so that's progress.” -SleepWhenImDead

Self-settling

Less a 'plan' than a general outlook, self-settling concentrates on giving your child the tools and skills to learn to settle himself back to sleep. You put your child to bed awake, having made sure his bedroom is a calm and relaxing environment – you might want to get a soft nightlight and invest in a white noise machine or a toy that plays gentle lullabies. The idea is that he will drift off to sleep by himself and therefore do the same if he wakes in the night. If he does cry out, wait a minute or two before you rush in. With a bit of luck he'll settle off to sleep before you go in but if not, the pause before you go in will eventually teach him to go back to sleep by himself. Try to keep this up in the daytime, too, so he goes to sleep by himself for naps and don't rush to him if he cries for a feed during the daytime either. Obviously don't let him go hungry, but a minute or two to give him the opportunity to calm himself a bit will help this plan work at night time, too.

-Advice from Mumsnet user happymummy12345

How to sleep train a toddler

You can use most of the methods outlined above but adapt them for an older child. Maybe they can have an audiobook on instead of white noise, and perhaps you'll say something a bit more comforting when you pop in – more of a “sweet dreams, see you in the morning” than repetitive sshh-ing. Toddlers might also bring up fears such as monsters under the bed, so talk these through during the day and work out solutions (monster spray – a few drops of lavender oil in a spray bottle of water – works well).

By around 12 months, children are a bit more independent and so might take to a sleep plan more easily. They're also more easily bribed, so get the star charts and marble jars out now. A few Paw Patrol figures are a small price to pay for a decent night's sleep. Remember, though, that toddlers can go through patches of separation anxiety too, so if you're having trouble at nursery drop off or anything like that, it might be best left until they're more settled again.

Why Mumsnetters like it: “We 'taught' our daughter to self-settle at 5.5 months and I am very glad we did as the one consistently good aspect of her sleep has been that I can count on two hands the number of occasions she has made a fuss at bedtime.” -fififrog

Why it might not work: “I know it's very trendy to talk about self-settling like it's some sort of milestone that must be achieved or you are failing at parenting, but kids get there in their own time if you just leave them to it. Sometimes it's easier to accept that's just the way things are than constantly be trying to 'fix' normal behaviour.” Hugasauras

What is 'crying it out'?

Also referred to, rather brutally, as ‘the extinction method’. This basically means letting your baby cry himself to sleep. It's nerve-shredding for everyone involved and it's not generally recommended for children of any age.

Tips for sleep training

Time it right. Whichever method you choose you should try to begin during a period when your calendar is fairly light, as you may find that you lose a little sleep in the first few days. Make sure you and your partner are in agreement about what to do and when before you begin and that you have a clear run of it. If you find your partner is away on a two-night stag do on day four you're likely to want to leave him crying in a dark room by the time he gets home.

Do your prep. Before you begin try and develop a good bedtime routine so your baby knows that if he's had a bath and a story, you're probably going to turn his light out and go downstairs soon. Having a good daytime routine (with regular naps) will also help.

Put it off if factors conspire against you. If your baby suddenly gets a cold, or you there's a force eight gale arriving on your planned starting night, for heaven's sake, put it off until things are on a more even keel. This will be trying enough without any external factors to exacerbate an already tricky time.

Be prepared to stick it out. Many of these methods take two to three weeks to work. If you give up on night six you'll have gone through all that grief for nothing. All the best things come to those who wait.

Expect setbacks. Even once you've cracked it, don't expect your child to sleep through the night forever. Growth spurts, illnesses and various developmental stages can all disturb sleep. If you have a bump in the road, go back to the method that worked before and start again. You should be back on an even keel in no time.