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Crossroads18 Tue 31-Jul-18 16:25:17

Hi guys, just needing some advice. So after much debates we have finally got the ex wife to agree that we can drive up every other Friday to see my stepkids. (Bit of background she has stopped them staying EOW and they live 108 miles away. Originally she was making my partner have to get two trains up and back with our 11minth old every other Saturday because I worked and my mum couldn't have both boys, and he would only get to spend 5hours there before getting train home and getting the train was costing him a fortune. For a while she was making him go to the town next door so for him to see them he was spending £50 on trains and then anything Upto £100 on the day out and food, whereas if she simply let him have the kids in his home town they would have had family close by.) The Saturdays weren't working as if train delays or cancellations he was screwed. So she has agreed to Fridays. We are due to go up next Friday making the 216 mike round trip to see them, however we are then being allowed to have them for a week the following Wednesday. My partner has said to her that he is thinking of not coming up the Friday as it seems silly spending more on fuel when we are collecting them for a week a few days later and what we save on fuel is more days out for them to visit. we did ask if we could have them girls from that Friday but she has said no it has to be the Wednesday a few days later. Are we really being unreasonable would you think? It's not like he won't be seeing them and he is just trying to enable us to have more money when they are down. She has already had a go this week asking if we will bother to contribute to uniform this year which we have just taken in our stride as we know how stressful it gets, my stepdad is also suffering at the moment as my mum is away for 4 weeks on holiday with school so he took us all to Peppa Pig world all expensive paid and she made us feel so guilty for going. But when the girls come
Down for the week we have got some big days our planned with them and neither boys will be with us as the eldest will be at his dads and my youngest at nursery. Suppose I am just feeling a bit lows

OP’s posts: |
xmasbaba2014 Tue 31-Jul-18 16:40:56

I assume this will only work while they are on school holidays though? So in a few weeks you will have the same problems on the Saturdays. I think your dp needs to go to court and get overnights sorted out that way as opposed to the ex dictating that they won't be happening. Regarding this weekend I would still be going to see them on Friday personally, especially if you've only just agreed this. It's confusing for the children of they're expecting to see their dad. I take your point about the money being spent but children will just see it as their dad not bothering to see them.

Crossroads18 Tue 31-Jul-18 16:50:48

No after the holidays it will stay Fridays. We drive up and collect from school at 3.30 take them out, dinner, visit family and drop them back for 8.30-9 then drive home. My partner doesn't drive so it's solely on me and I work Saturdays 7am-4. If he goes up the Saturdays he sees them 10.30-3 so he gets less time with them and relying on trains is a nightmare. The girls have so much planned anyways in the lead up to coming down and they are usually accepting is things need to change. Money is so so right especially with csa and travel (not that I'm complaining as he has the same responsibility) just thought it would be nice to save the money and give them a. Extra treat when they are down.

OP’s posts: |
NorthernSpirit Tue 31-Jul-18 17:26:06

Who moved away? Seems fair they should do the majority of travelling (I say this as a DSM who’s OH does all travel and has done for over 5 years).

Agree with other poster. Stop mums messing around and get a defined court order. My OH’s calendar is agreed a year in advance and doesn’t deviate. There’s no flexibility whatsoever ever. But, it means we know where we stand and mum can’t stop or dictate as was previously happening.

LunaTrap Tue 31-Jul-18 17:29:21

Your DP has been very unreliable with contact, faking injuries, not bothering for months at a time. I don't really think he's in any position to be calling the shots right now, he really needs to suck it up and follow the agreement instead of trying to change it for his convenience the first chance he gets. Maybe once he has proven he can actually stick to the arrangements then he will build up enough goodwill that there can be a bit of flexibility as needed. Right now? He's got a nerve frankly.

rollingonariver Tue 31-Jul-18 19:22:31

He needs to go to court.

Snappedandfarted2018 Tue 31-Jul-18 20:18:55

Op seriously you do realise people need only to search you’re username! I think you get a kick out of posting on these board and you give step moms a bad name. Ops dp moved 2hours away and sees them when he can be arsed. Please search ops posting history.

Snappedandfarted2018 Tue 31-Jul-18 20:24:01

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/3295462-money-vs-love?pg=1&order=

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3311249-holidays

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3294748-money

Snappedandfarted2018 Tue 31-Jul-18 20:25:22

Ops previous username threads

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3278160-unreasonable-ex-wife

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3273160-sd-will-only-see-dad-if-he-buys-something

Snappedandfarted2018 Tue 31-Jul-18 20:27:04

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3286979-school-holidays

Snappedandfarted2018 Tue 31-Jul-18 20:29:02

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/what_would_you_do/3286993-relationship-advice

Snappedandfarted2018 Tue 31-Jul-18 20:29:55

Not to meantion you’re first bed which caused so much uproar it got deleted you’re bots got bedrooms the girls on a camp bed on of which was on the landing and your dc has a castle bed

HerondaleDucks Tue 31-Jul-18 20:44:02

He should honour the new arrangement. Stop messing the girls around

user1493413286 Wed 01-Aug-18 06:33:48

I get where you’re coming from but seeing as you’ve had such a hard time getting her to agree to the fridays I wouldn’t rock the boat now; I’d also be going to court though to get it formalised

Crossroads18 Wed 01-Aug-18 07:15:14

The last few visits it has been consistent and he has gone up. So he has been sticking to it now that there isn't the stress on travelling on multiple trains with our baby. His mum one of the Saturdays came back and she said explain how much of a nightmare it was and then that I was being unfair working so he had to go on the train! But I planned my work days for when he is off to save us a fortune in childcare so he had more money to visit the girls. Luckily my partner did stand up and say she was out of line. It wouldn't be every Friday. We drop them back on the Thursday and it would be his visitation day the Friday. So originally we suggested to her extending their stay by a day but she said we couldn't have them the Friday as she had plans which was fine. Suppose we just felt as we were ok with her changing it to suit her that Friday that we could have agreed on something the Friday before they came down. It would save £40 on fuel which could be another day out that's all. She always has such a opinion if we do days out when it's her weekend for the girls so we want to keep as much back for them visiting. I have saved some money, and my partner gets paid weekly so he has got a extra weeks wage they week they come down which is £180 but as we all no for family of 6 places aren't cheap.

@Snappedandfarted2018 You can keep reposting previous posts as much as u want but people can change, scenarios can change. And I have already explained in a previous post the changes we have made.

1) when the girls come down we are moving the cot out of our sons room to our room.
2) we have got days out planned whilst we send our youngest to nursery and the eldest boy to his dads so the girls get one on one.
3) he is more consistent and has been up every Friday.
4) I have made them their own special snack draw with some of the same items if my sons they like.
5) I have planned the girls birthday and a day out, got her cake idea ready to make.
6) I have refused to go away for cheistmas like he wanted so we can all go away for a week, looking like Butlin's or haven at the minute.
7) food shop I have been buying the cheap coke for him and pouring it into the Coca Cola bottles he hasn't noticed yet.
8) stocked the freezer with what they want for when they come down, meaning I actually only had one meal a day for just over the week between food shops so I had more to buy their stuff.
9) I have bought token gifts from my mum foe the girls birthday so she doesn't feel left out.

And i have noticed a change in my partner too so if all seems positive. He is even coming round to the idea of court order as then we should be able to have them overnight. But @Snappedandfarted2018 I have had a lot going on in my personal life, suffering with PND, my eldest and social services with regards to his dads visits, and our youngest son was quite poorly so I wasn't always in the best frame of mind and I saw things different to how I do now.

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Wed 01-Aug-18 07:20:56

Your priority is to get mum to stop feeling that it's ok to be a b** because of the way your OH and you have been treating the girls.

She is still messing you about because it gives her pleasure to make it hard for you. She'll get over it soon when she realises that the pleasure is not so great any longer because you don't mind doing it.

So go Friday, and go again to pick them up for a week and make sure the girls have a great time.

Try to bring some normality in their lives, and then gradually, start to suggest that they stay with you the full week-end again. Accept that you are paying for how the girls were treated and be patient. You'll get there.

HerondaleDucks Wed 01-Aug-18 09:33:30

Glad to see you've made some serious changes.
When you've earnt the girls and the ex trust again I am optimistic things will continue to improve
Your dp still has a way to go though. Hopefully you'll steer him in the right direction

Snappedandfarted2018 Wed 01-Aug-18 09:39:12

Op you constantly don’t get so you. You blame anyone else mainly the ex when infact your dp is at fault here and he should get on with it and pick the girls up like the arrangements say so, regardless if he has the baby with him. He moved away and has continued to mess those girls around no end. I don’t blame the ex one bit. You missed out all the relevant backstory in you’re initial op to get people on side however the backstory paints an entirely different picture.

lunar1 Wed 01-Aug-18 12:45:04

Since your last posts how many Fridays has there actually been? Not many-under a month! There is no way that's long enough for any good will to be redeemed with his ex. Come back in six months/a year after being reliable then maybe he can ask for some variation!

rainingcatsanddog Wed 01-Aug-18 13:09:34

Your post is very misleading.

Your partner moved 108 miles from his kids.

He was flaky up until 6 weeks ago? Of course his ex will still think that he's flaky.

You and him decided to have another child when money wasn't plentiful.

He doesn't have £40 for fuel but constantly buys snacks, gambles, takes 2 baths a day.... He gets through £100 entertaining his dd for 5 hours. Your sons lose out as he is all about spending.

You always paint your partner as a victim but he's a man-child who can only be a good (step)parent to the woman that he's currently with.

Suck it up buttercup

Crossroads18 Wed 01-Aug-18 13:30:48

@rainingcatsanddog that was how much he use to spend on days out when she was making him go up on the train and into the town next to his hometown so he couldn't take the kids to visit family, family dinners etc so it was costing a fortune.

He doesn't gamble anymore he has been going to gambling anonymous, and I have reduced all the food shopping, I was brutal and stopped buying it, but this has enabled slightly more money for when they come down and bought the food and snacks they wanted for when they stay the week. With regards to fizzy as I mentioned in a response back I have swapped it to Aldi's own and pouring it into a Coca Cola bottle so his months worth now only costs £10 instead of £40!

When we had our child money was very different, I earnt more as I did more hours the issue with his job is I can't do all my shifts around his hours so I currently working 20ish hours a week. We got no tax credits help with childcare. Plus grocery shopping was a hell of a lot cheaper than what they charge now and we didn't have debts to clear (we have had a few bailiffs turn up at the door for some
Joint debts between him and his ex, she found it funny when we told her they turned up as it was bills she never paid. Hisnwages got paid to her account and she was meant to pay the bills instead though she would go out all the time and his mum confirms this) so we are doing a payment plan on that. Plus it was a hell of a lot cheaper when she let them stay overnight.

I issued a ultimatum and he has so far stuck to everything I have asked and requested and he is really trying. @lunar1 He has had 3 Friday's so far, But he has also gone to both sports days, leavers assembly and a hospital appointment aswell that she told him about which he before would never have kept to. This has resulted in 4 extra trips this month at nearly £160 so he has really tried to prove to her he will be reliable x

OP’s posts: |
lunar1 Wed 01-Aug-18 13:35:54

So he's been reliable for three whole weeks and you think that's enough for him to have proved himself!? The pair of you are a joke.

Oswin Wed 01-Aug-18 14:36:58

He had been a shit parent for years. Three weeks of visits is no where near proving he is a good dad.

Tbh Op your wasting your time. He only does all this because you take charge. Fucks sake he didnt see his kids for months, them when he did he was faking injurys to get out of it.
You need to face what he is. A shit dad.

He is the type of waste man that only gives a shit about his children while hes with the mother.

He will revert to normal. As long as you keep blaming the ex, you feel your safe. Hes the good man, shes evil, so that means he will be good to your kids.

But you know he wont. Hes a awful dad.

rainingcatsanddog Wed 01-Aug-18 16:31:58

Didn't you say that you sometimes eat one meal a day to save towards the step kids expenses? I can't believe that a man would spend £10pm on cola when his partner is skipping meals.

Crossroads18 Wed 01-Aug-18 17:17:13

@rainingcatsanddog yeah last few weeks I have had the odd week here and there where I have reduce to just eating tea with them all so that it saves even more money back for buying treats and general food for when the girls come to stay. Used to be he spent £40 a month just on fizzy it was killing our budgets. Reducing to £10 is the best I have got it down to at the moment. He has to drink a 2 litre bottle a day, he went a couple days without coke and he got bad headaches and was quite ill, so have made him a doctors appointment as I think his body is so use to needing the coke (fizzy kind).

Got to a point we had run out of slot of freezer food and cupboard jars just because I was buying less on food shop to cover all he had.

Although I have got him having one bath a day our water bill won't change or reduce for a few months until they notice the reduce.

OP’s posts: |

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