Should I be honest with my mother in law?

[Leafedplant]

My husband (29)m recently told me (28)f that my mother in law is supposedly upset about our lack of contact. We are married since 3 years and I already noticed that she was behaving differently, after I gifted them rather thoughtful presents and didn’t receive a personal “thank you” .. which is partially my fault, since I didn’t voice my reasoning for withdrawing and keeping to myself until now. My husbands ex wife is very much involved in their lives, regularly over and I personally decided to disengage in that regard. I am still indirectly involved due to my stepdaughter but specifically do not want to stumble into her mother, she is very manipulative and demanding..I simply want to live my own life. Should I be honest and tell my mother in law that I have nothing against them personally , obviously respect that they are entitled to be in contact with anyone they please, but do not want to be forced into artificial situations/ relationships I’m personally not interested in? I do not need a positive response either.. but want to be understood.

[DoubleEx]

You’re allowed to draw your boundaries wherever you feel comfortable. It doesn’t sound like you’re being unkind or hostile. Don’t be bullied into letting other people violate those boundaries just because it would make them feel better.

[Hercisback]

You want to be no contact with your inlaws because they didn't send a thank you letter?

[Leafedplant]

No no, I do not want to be invited to their house because they constantly engage with my husbands ex wife, I know for a fact that I would have to see and interact with her if her followed any of their invitations. In the beginning of our relationship it was even implied that I should “adapt” and join their collective festivities.. I evidently don’t sabotage any of their gatherings or regular get togethers, I simply don’t want to be involved. I’d happily meet my parents in law if we could organise something without the stepmother, but find it almost “degrading” that I have to voice it myself and therefore rather withdraw. I was asking whether I should address it? Since my parents in law seem to take it personal now

[Leafedplant]

-stepmother *ex wife

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

You didn't receive a "personal" thank you for the gifts? What sort of thank you did you receive then? what did they say when you gave them to them.

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

I understand if you don't want to go to their house because they've invited the ex wife.

Surely to god the simpliest solution is to invite your MIL and FIL to yours - what happens when you do that?

[Leafedplant]

6?7? Days after they had received the gift they told my husband how much they liked the presents when he visited them - and then a while after, I got a very forced sounding Facebook message. It seemed like she wasn’t even aware of what I actually gifted them, since she was referring to something entirely different. It sounded like my husband suggested that she should message me (he appeared upset about their lack of acknowledgment- more so than I) , even though he denies it

[fallfallfall]

you have nothing against them personally yet you want to be low/no contact because they remain friends with your dh's ex.
sorry but your immaturity is glowing in the dark. stop being insecure and simply be kind and yes that may include "friendly".
surely you can dig up some workplace type courteous manners.
i say this because, as your gain more life experience you will see this was petty and unnecessary.

[Leafedplant]

I haven’t tried that yet.. to be entirely honest. The contact was too superficial until now and I didn’t get the impression that they were interested in me as an individual , but an additional/ functional figure to their granddaughter. Hence why I didn’t feel encouraged to actively pursue a relationship with them. Do you think that it would be sensible to address my perspective?

[tobedtoMNandfart]

@Hercisback

You want to be no contact with your inlaws because they didn't send a thank you letter?

Good grief that's your takeaway?!

[Sagaz]

I wouldnt. Just carry on maintaining a bit of distance.

[Leafedplant]

I’m neither being immature nor insecure? But I think I’m entitled to decide with whom I interact or not? I do not like my husbands ex wife, because of her manipulative behaviour and principles? I wouldn’t engage with her if she wasn’t previously connected to my husband either.. we don’t get along and I think it’s reasonable to lead separate lives - instead of enduring toxic circumstances?

[Leafedplant]

Okay! Thank you!

[Sagaz]

I think they will use your perspective against you. Then you'll have to defend yrslf. Then you'll be "defensive"

I think you sound quite certain of yourself and that doesnt suit a MIL who likes to be able to talk people around her in to doing what suits her.

[tobedtoMNandfart]

You've been married 3 years. I think they are all unreasonable to expect you to play happy families with the ex wife.

[tobedtoMNandfart]

Much better to respect everybody's sensible boundaries.

[SarahBellam]

Meh, they’re your husband’s family not yours. It’s not your job to send them gifts, it’s his. If he wants you to have a relationship with them then he needs to broker that so that it’s under terms you’re both comfortable with. I would be very uncomfortable having to consistently share air space with the ex wife. Tell your DH what you want - be clear - and let him sort it out.

[Notaroadrunner]

You married your husband, not his family. You're not obliged to forge a happy family style relationship with them. Invite them to your house for dinner, or out for a meal, if you're happy to spend time with them. It's understandable that you wouldn't wish to frequent their house if Dh's ex is likely to turn up.

[Oblahdeeoblahdoe]

I think you're perpetuating the difference between you and the ex wife. I totally understand that you don't want to go to theirs when the ex is there but why wouldn't you invite them over for Sunday lunch for instance, so you get to know each other more? They are your DH's parents.

[Gazelda]

I don't get the issue over the gifts/thank you.
But I think a pp has the right idea - invite them over for coffee. Or to meet up on neutral ground if easier. Make it while your SD is with you, so they see you as a unit.

[fallfallfall]

Your only 28, and your afraid of contact with your dh’s parents. If you like your dh, clearly they have some endearing qualities. So you should have at the very least a cordial relationship with them.
Have they demonstrated any untrustworthy actions towards you.
If children are involved their relationship with the ex will continue hopefully.
Do you hope to have children?

[BananaPB]

Yanbu to not want to hang out with the ex wife but I personally wouldn't admit this to my il who are unlikely to change their behaviour over this

Can you invite them to your house so you can control the guest list ?

[Leafedplant]

Yes, eventually. His mother is quite controlling, also regarding my husbands daughter. I get the impression that sees that she failed to “involve” me as she initially liked to and is reacting with resentment as a result. I already told my husband that I would not want to bring up my child in those set circumstances .. also not alongside his ex-wife.

[Guineapigbridge]

I think you risk coming across petty and jealous if you raise it with them. Sometimes you have to just suck it up and be the bigger person. Go out of your way to be accepting of everyone - even the ex - and you'll come out on top.

[Leafedplant]

Yes, I shall be trying this. Everyone seems to suggest that I should invite them over to our place or go out with elsewhere… I am not going to lie, I struggle to create those light atmospheres without expressing my honest opinion..or trying to explain myself (I really dislike to be mistreated for no apparent reason) .. but I cannot find a better solution (other than going separate ways) either.