Help! My husband doesn’t want children but I do

(89 Posts)
Dottie22 Mon 26-Apr-21 09:02:04

Hello,
I’m going through a difficult time at the moment and looking for a bit of advice on what to do.

Long story short: I never wanted a baby when we were first married, now I’m yarning for a child, but he says he will never want one. Do I leave him eventhough I love him?

Long story: when I first met my husband we both felt the same about having children. It was something neither of us ever wanted and it was great because it took the pressure off both of us. However, within the last year in particular, I’ve really wanted to become a mum. I have lots of young nieces and nephews and I’ve always loved being the aunt, but now I want a baby for myself. I’ve always been very mothering and caring and I feel as if being a mum is something I’m supposed to do.
My husband and I have spoken about this numerous of times. I have expressed my feelings to him and he has shut me down each and every time. Saying he feels he will never want a baby, and fully knows that he might loose me because of it. He says he loves me and we have a great relationship but it kind of makes me feel sh*t that he won’t sacrifice this for me, for me to do what I was born to do. He has told me in the past that he wouldn’t have a baby “just to keep me in his life” and it was absolutely heartbreaking.
I love him and I don’t want to loose him, but I’m scared I will resent him forever as I already do.
I’m reaching 30 so Im scared that if he ever does change his mind it’ll be too late.

I guess I’m looking for women in the same position or have gone through this and can offer me some advice. At the moment I’m just “sticking it out” and staying and trying to suppress these feelings as best I can. I can’t blame him for this because he married me knowing I didn’t want children, but at the same time I feel if he really loved me then he would accept the fact that we can change our minds. He would be an amazing dad but he just doesn’t see it.

Sorry for the words, I’m just trying to get everything out.
Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
WindowsSmindows Mon 26-Apr-21 09:05:52

You can't stay and supress those feelings, it'll kill you.
You are still so young you have time to do what you need to do.

hiptobeasquare Mon 26-Apr-21 09:06:36

In the nicest way you need to decide whether to stay or go. If you stay think about if you would spend your time together resenting him.
You said:
He says he loves me and we have a great relationship but it kind of makes me feel sh*t that he won’t sacrifice this for me, for me to do what I was born to do.

No one should have a baby for someone else. Raising a child is hard work and you have to be all in. I think he is making the right decision. It doesn’t matter if he would be an amazing dad if he doesn’t want to be one. You need to respect his choices.

VanillaCokeZero Mon 26-Apr-21 09:07:45

Your husband sounds like a good guy. He’s being honest with you and not wasting your time stringing you along. He hasn’t changed, you have.

Sadly you have to break up, sooner rather than later so you have the time needed to grieve, process, meet someone and have children.

Was in the same position at 28 and wanted kids so desperately I knew I’d never be happy unless I’d given having them my best shot. Only difference was we started out both wanting them and he changed his mind.

Split up, dated casually, met someone else very quickly and married with a child by our third anniversary.

This is THE most fundamental incompatibility in a relationship and it won’t survive. It’s unfair of you to try paint him as being unfair at not wanting a child just because you want it so much but I won’t go off on you for it as I was exactly the same, desperation for a child had me not in my right mind and feeling like he was being cruel, holding me back, ruining my future, why couldn’t he just do it? But when the dust settles and it’s over you do realise there is no positive ending if you stay together, you would be miserable without kids and the absolute worst outcome would be having a child with a father who doesn’t want them.

Sorry. It’s already over.

MintMatchmaker Mon 26-Apr-21 09:08:59

I wouldn’t sacrifice having children. I don’t mean this nastily, but nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and I wouldn’t give up my chance to have children for a marriage that may not last anyway.

Cam2020 Mon 26-Apr-21 09:09:26

I'm not in the same position, but it sounds like you've been together since you were quite young. People change and want different things in different stages of their lives. Sone differences are small, but children is probably the biggest sticking point of all.

You husband sounds very adamant that he does not want children and acknowledges that he may well lose you - I think this says, everything, you need to know unfortunately. You just want different things - its no-ones fault, but either forcing him to have a child he does not want or him forcing you to stay childless will lead to resentment and unhappiness. I think this is the end.

Estasala Mon 26-Apr-21 09:11:11

I think it's great he's being very honest with you, so you have a clear choice. Don't hang on hoping he will change his mind.

If you leave now you have enough time to meet someone else. If you hang about for another few years you might feel too rushed or miss your chance entirely.

Advertisement

VanillaCokeZero Mon 26-Apr-21 09:11:33

MintMatchmaker

I wouldn’t sacrifice having children. I don’t mean this nastily, but nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and I wouldn’t give up my chance to have children for a marriage that may not last anyway.

Yep.

No man, or woman, is worth losing out on the chance to have a child if you really want it and know that’s something you have to at least try to pursue. Even while in the worst of it with my ex I knew deep down that he could have been made of diamonds and he still wouldn’t hold a candle to the love I’d feel for my future child when they first came into my arms. Nobody is that special.

BagORats Mon 26-Apr-21 09:12:00

I hope you aren't saying things like that to him. He hasn't changed his mind, you have and he is being incredibly clear about his position on it - it doesn't sound like he is going to change for you so you are free to make the decision. Stay without children or go and find someone else.

Dottie22 Mon 26-Apr-21 09:12:29

Thank you so much everyone for your honest answers.
I really needed to hear this. He is being honest and he knows what he wants, I can’t force him into doing something he doesn’t want.

I’m petrified to leave. We have pets, a mortgage, I don’t even know where to start.

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Mon 26-Apr-21 09:12:36

He says he loves me and we have a great relationship but it kind of makes me feel sh*t that he won’t sacrifice this for me, for me to do what I was born to do.

It probably makes him feel shit that you’ve changed your mind and are blackmailing him, you’ve decided he’s no longer enough.

It’s not what you thought you were “born to do” when you agreed to get married. You’re allowed to change your mind but he’s equally allowed not to.

He would be an amazing dad but he just doesn’t see it.

You can’t possibly know that! He doesn’t want to be a dad and that’s a fine decision. Loads of people who think they want kids end up hating and regretting it. It’s madness to try and push him into something he doesn’t want because you think you know him better than he knows himself.

You’re now incompatible because you want different things and have to split up.

But I think the way you’re framing this is extremely unfair and the way you’re threatening him is really out of order.

Dottie22 Mon 26-Apr-21 09:14:57

No, I would never tell him things like that because I 100% realise that it’s selfish of me to feel this way and expect him to change his mind for me.
I just wanted to use this post as a sort of word vomit and get all of my feelings out.
Thank you

OP’s posts: |
VanillaCokeZero Mon 26-Apr-21 09:15:06

Also OP if you stay together be prepared for a great deal of pain regularly every time there’s a trigger. Each time a friend announces a pregnancy, someone brings a baby into the office, you see an advert for formula on TV, you see a pregnant woman in a coffee shop, you attend a baby shower, YouTube throws you ads for fertility testing, a celebrity has a baby, you get asked if you have kids... the list is endless.

It chips away at your soul every single time when you’re desperate for a child and in a relationship where in your mind it just seems so simple, why doesn’t he want this, it’d be amazing, everything is perfectly set up for a child... only it isn’t. The number one thing you need before TTC (unless single) is a partner who wants it. Babies are hard and they get harder the older they get and they test the strongest relationships. Your future kids deserve you to create them with an active, loving father.

You have choices here, and thankfully you’re young enough to be able to meet someone else and have children.

Dottie22 Mon 26-Apr-21 09:15:33

Thank you for saying this.

OP’s posts: |
Whoarethewho Mon 26-Apr-21 09:15:41

for me to do what I was born to do.

This isnt the 18th century women aren't born to do anything. but moving on it would be very unfair to force someone who doesn't want a child to have one both for the child and parent. So it seems that you need to move on to a relationship that does want children.

Dottie22 Mon 26-Apr-21 09:19:51

Wow. I am so glad I posted this.
I am being completely and utterly selfish in thinking he should just change his mind for me. I’m doing the same thing, if not worse, than what he’s doing.
I can’t expect someone to change their life for me. That’s impossible and so so selfish.

OP’s posts: |
KFleming Mon 26-Apr-21 09:20:55

This is such a big thing to fundamentally disagree on that to be honest I don’t see how the relationship could continue. You cannot (and should not) force him to have a child, no matter how great a dad you think he might be. And equally, you probably shouldn’t stay in a relationship where you’ll resent him for not having a baby.
But this isn’t his fault, and he shouldn’t have to make a “sacrifice” like this just because it’s what you want. It’s too big of a thing to do.

Dottie22 Mon 26-Apr-21 09:22:06

KFleming

This is such a big thing to fundamentally disagree on that to be honest I don’t see how the relationship could continue. You cannot (and should not) force him to have a child, no matter how great a dad you think he might be. And equally, you probably shouldn’t stay in a relationship where you’ll resent him for not having a baby.
But this isn’t his fault, and he shouldn’t have to make a “sacrifice” like this just because it’s what you want. It’s too big of a thing to do.

I completely agree.

OP’s posts: |
VanillaCokeZero Mon 26-Apr-21 09:25:25

You could see a solicitor and find out what the first steps are for divorce? It doesn't sound like it'll be a great shock to him, though you're both going to be sad of course. My ex and I didn't stop loving each other before we split, we just weren't compatible. Though I know if I'd stayed with him I would have stopped loving him as the resentment was growing from my side and the pressure and stress from his side was getting larger every day.

I have friends who split with someone and were married and pregnant within 1-2yr of the divorce. Not that I'm advocating rushing, but things can move quickly when you're older and know what you want.

I remember saying to my friend surely it's better to stay with him and wait for him to change his mind, he said he wants them one day, wouldn't it be more likely I'd have a child sooner waiting for that than splitting up and risking not meeting anyone? We've come this far kinda thing. And she wisely said nah, you're far more likely to end up with a child if you separate and then date with intent for a family. Rather than spend more years in a relationship with resentment growing, hoping he changed his mind, knowing anything could happen at any point and we could break up anyway and I'd lost out on lots of fertile time to find someone where it wasn't that difficult. She was so right!

It gave me peace and strength towards the end of that relationship to explore the idea of having a child solo if I didn't meet anyone in time. I don't think in the end I'd have done it but it was helpful to think of it like this: I'm going to be single and hopefully I'll meet someone and have a family but if not I can do it myself and therefore either way, whatever unknowns lie ahead, if we separate then I will be closer to my dream of becoming a parent. Maybe that's helpful, anyway hope you're okay. It was one of the most painful stressful times of my life and it's been a rough life!

Oenanthe Mon 26-Apr-21 09:26:53

He does sound like a fundamentally good bloke.

He'll be fine when you leave him. There are plenty of women who want to remain childfree.

Your best bet is to split up quickly so that he can get on with his life.

Trolleywool Mon 26-Apr-21 09:27:13

Dottie22

Wow. I am so glad I posted this.
I am being completely and utterly selfish in thinking he should just change his mind for me. I’m doing the same thing, if not worse, than what he’s doing.
I can’t expect someone to change their life for me. That’s impossible and so so selfish.

Its a really tricky situation, I don't think either of you are selfish in how you feel, but without sounding savage it's good you recognise that it's unreasonable to expect him to change his mind.

litterbird Mon 26-Apr-21 09:28:13

Your husband is probably heart broken inside now he knows you have changed your mind. He is already trying to come to terms with the fact he may lose you to someone who will give you something that you both adamantly didn't want before embarking on a marriage. He probably feels quite duped by it all but is being totally honest and open about it to you. I would leave this marriage and go and find someone to have babies with. Let him find someone who has already had children and they are grown up and moved on as he will spend the rest of his life being extremely cautious getting into any other relationship with a childless lady who says she doesn't want children. You have a right to change your mind, he has a right to stick to his guns.

Silverfly Mon 26-Apr-21 09:28:32

This is so sad OP and I really feel for both of you, but unfortunately I think you need to end your marriage. Not having children when you want them is too big a sacrifice for you to make IMO.

JSL52 Mon 26-Apr-21 09:28:38

You don't know he'd make a great Dad , no one does.
You ask where to start ? Either sell the house or one buys the other out. Decide on the pets.
Start a divorce, the quicker you can get this all done , the quicker you can meet someone else.
Realistically, if you met someone tomorrow, you'd have to date, have the conversation, TTC.

GlutenFreeGingerCake Mon 26-Apr-21 09:30:21

Your husband sounds like a good guy. He’s being honest with you and not wasting your time stringing you along. He hasn’t changed, you have.

I agree with this and it's much better that he's clear rather than saying maybe in future, also maybe it's good that you have a really strong feeling you do want kids and see that you need to make a lot of changes or you will regret that you didn't try. Having said that it won't be easy but you only have one life and you need to think about what you really want to do with it.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in