Help! My husband doesn’t want children but I do

[Dottie22]

Hello,
I’m going through a difficult time at the moment and looking for a bit of advice on what to do.

Long story short: I never wanted a baby when we were first married, now I’m yarning for a child, but he says he will never want one. Do I leave him eventhough I love him?

Long story: when I first met my husband we both felt the same about having children. It was something neither of us ever wanted and it was great because it took the pressure off both of us. However, within the last year in particular, I’ve really wanted to become a mum. I have lots of young nieces and nephews and I’ve always loved being the aunt, but now I want a baby for myself. I’ve always been very mothering and caring and I feel as if being a mum is something I’m supposed to do.
My husband and I have spoken about this numerous of times. I have expressed my feelings to him and he has shut me down each and every time. Saying he feels he will never want a baby, and fully knows that he might loose me because of it. He says he loves me and we have a great relationship but it kind of makes me feel sh*t that he won’t sacrifice this for me, for me to do what I was born to do. He has told me in the past that he wouldn’t have a baby “just to keep me in his life” and it was absolutely heartbreaking.
I love him and I don’t want to loose him, but I’m scared I will resent him forever as I already do.
I’m reaching 30 so Im scared that if he ever does change his mind it’ll be too late.

I guess I’m looking for women in the same position or have gone through this and can offer me some advice. At the moment I’m just “sticking it out” and staying and trying to suppress these feelings as best I can. I can’t blame him for this because he married me knowing I didn’t want children, but at the same time I feel if he really loved me then he would accept the fact that we can change our minds. He would be an amazing dad but he just doesn’t see it.

Sorry for the words, I’m just trying to get everything out.
Thank you.

If when you imagine your future you cannot see it without kids then you need to leave.

it might be something you need to sit with for a little bit maybe speak to a counsellor (for you) to understand why you want children.
is it the biological urge or more than that?
process what will happen if you have them and what it will be like without them.
Sometimes the thought of not having kids is more about anticipating future regret- yet you might not regret it.

Then maybe a couples session to understand why he doesn't want children is there any compromise - and if not leave.

You still have plenty of time 30 is no age now a days.

@AnneLovesGilbert

He says he loves me and we have a great relationship but it kind of makes me feel sht that he won’t sacrifice this for me, for me to do what I was born to do.*

It probably makes him feel shit that you’ve changed your mind and are blackmailing him, you’ve decided he’s no longer enough.

It’s not what you thought you were “born to do” when you agreed to get married. You’re allowed to change your mind but he’s equally allowed not to.

He would be an amazing dad but he just doesn’t see it.

You can’t possibly know that! He doesn’t want to be a dad and that’s a fine decision. Loads of people who think they want kids end up hating and regretting it. It’s madness to try and push him into something he doesn’t want because you think you know him better than he knows himself.

You’re now incompatible because you want different things and have to split up.

But I think the way you’re framing this is extremely unfair and the way you’re threatening him is really out of order.

This 100% you are one changing not him so don't whine about it - he could equally say if you loved him you would sacrifice your wishes but he hasn't

@Maggiesfarm

If you are not thirty yet I presume you haven't been married that many years and that he is around the same age.

I'm not surprised you've changed your mind and quite honestly I don't know how your husband can be so certain that he won't. It's a fact that many people do! You also hear of couples breaking up because of this issue and the man meets someone else with whom he has kids.

You have to impress upon husband that this is now really important to you.

Well I knew at 25 and DH at 23 that we didn't want children. Plenty of people don't change their minds

Plenty do as well. However, he may not.

The op needs to discuss this with him in depth and maybe set a deadline.

I am so, so sorry for both of you. Neither of you are wrong but this is the one thing where there can be no compromise. Children are not a temporary move to another country, or a period of extra hours to support a life change. They are a permanent committment.

I wish both of you the best.

Neither of you is in the wrong here. You married young, and as we grow up we sometimes change our minds about what we want from life.

You have changed your mind about having children as you have matured, which you are perfectly entitled to do, and which many women do when their body clock starts ticking.

He hasn’t changed his mind, and it sounds like he isn’t going to, which he is perfectly entitled to do. From his perspective, he has been completely straight and honest about not wanting children, he signed up for a childfree marriage and now you have moved the goalposts.

Now for the difficult bit, and I speak from personal experience here. Having children is a binary choice. You and your husband want fundamentally different things from life, and you now have to decide whether this is a deal-breaker. If it is, you have to split up as amicably as possible and move on. If splitting is inevitable, it better for all concerned to do it sooner rather than later.

Good luck to both of you.

Your only real solution here is to leave him I’m afraid. You’re still young enough to divorce and start again with someone new, you have a good strong decade of fertility ahead of you so plenty of time. I don’t think staying with him will work now, you will only grow to resent him.

You have to leave, sadly men have the luxury of changing their mind over babies decades after we do. He could decide he wants a baby in 20 years when your fertility is long gone.

This isn't something you can compromise over.

@Maggiesfarm

Plenty do as well. However, he may not.

The op needs to discuss this with him in depth and maybe set a deadline.

Yes and because some do doctors won't give a vasectomy or sterilisation.

Some of us are sensible enough to stick to a decision

@VanillaCokeZero I am getting to 28, single after breaking up with a partner who wasn't good for me, with him 7 years. Your post gives me hope that I may still find someone to have children with. Thank you for your bravery, it's inspiring,

Thanks @IJustLikeBiscuitsOK, it is really scary but also so empowering. To be honest although I refer to us breaking up or me leaving him technically the actual breakup was initiated by him in the end, though if he hadn’t have done it I know I’d have done it a few days or weeks later. I was heartbroken for a couple of days and then quickly realised it was for the best, and I’m grateful he was the one to pull the trigger.

My advice is to be honest about what you want, flings and casual fun relationships are fine if you’re not looking for anything more but once you start to reach late twenties as a woman you do become aware of time I think, prior to meeting DH I’d always met someone, fancied them and had fun together and then slid into an exclusive relationship. But that wasn’t enough for me anymore at 28 and I was really open on the first date with anyone that I was ready for kids and planning on having them in a couple of years preferably with the right person or, if not, solo. You want to select for the guys who say ‘I’ve always wanted kids!’ and who are excited about the prospect and set the tone early on that it’s only worth pursuing one another if you have similar goals. Sure it’ll scare off the guys who aren’t into that, that’s the goal :)

Good luck, you are very lucky to have plenty of time still and not be doing this a decade later!

I totally understand your husband and if he doesn’t (and never have) want kids it’s fair. It’s his life and children are for life. We all have a choice and he made his decision 🤷🏼‍♀️ If it’s not to your liking, leave

I'd love to know how things are going if you are happy to share? I'd love to know as I'm in exactly the same position as you, but I'm coming up to 34 next year. I can really empathise with you, it's such a tough, upsetting situation to be in.