Help! My husband doesn’t want children but I do

[Dottie22]

Hello,
I’m going through a difficult time at the moment and looking for a bit of advice on what to do.

Long story short: I never wanted a baby when we were first married, now I’m yarning for a child, but he says he will never want one. Do I leave him eventhough I love him?

Long story: when I first met my husband we both felt the same about having children. It was something neither of us ever wanted and it was great because it took the pressure off both of us. However, within the last year in particular, I’ve really wanted to become a mum. I have lots of young nieces and nephews and I’ve always loved being the aunt, but now I want a baby for myself. I’ve always been very mothering and caring and I feel as if being a mum is something I’m supposed to do.
My husband and I have spoken about this numerous of times. I have expressed my feelings to him and he has shut me down each and every time. Saying he feels he will never want a baby, and fully knows that he might loose me because of it. He says he loves me and we have a great relationship but it kind of makes me feel sh*t that he won’t sacrifice this for me, for me to do what I was born to do. He has told me in the past that he wouldn’t have a baby “just to keep me in his life” and it was absolutely heartbreaking.
I love him and I don’t want to loose him, but I’m scared I will resent him forever as I already do.
I’m reaching 30 so Im scared that if he ever does change his mind it’ll be too late.

I guess I’m looking for women in the same position or have gone through this and can offer me some advice. At the moment I’m just “sticking it out” and staying and trying to suppress these feelings as best I can. I can’t blame him for this because he married me knowing I didn’t want children, but at the same time I feel if he really loved me then he would accept the fact that we can change our minds. He would be an amazing dad but he just doesn’t see it.

Sorry for the words, I’m just trying to get everything out.
Thank you.

Leave before your fertility declines is my advice x

You're allowed to change your mind and he's allowed to not change his.

But it does mean the end of your marriage.

I would never have given up having children for my husband. Husbands/partners come and go. No guarantees you'd still be married to him next year or in 5 years or 10 years. You could be one of the lucky ones and married for 50 years but you could easily wake up one morning in your retirement and look at him and hate him and yourself for what you gave up

could you go and have a baby seperatly to him and stay close, like a donor child, or do you want a family WITH him.
Its good that hes being honest with you, and no he shouldnt have a child just cos you do

It is OK to feel deeply sad about this but however much he loves you, becoming a parent just isn't something you do for someone else. It affects everything about your life. You have to do it for yourself. Imagine him having a family "for you" and not wanting or loving the baby himself. That's not what you want for your baby.

It sounds as if you both love each other deeply and you have both been truthful with each other. But your feelings have changed and his haven't. And this is life-changing. So you need to move on. I know couples who've had to do this, one after being together for a very long time and very committed to each other but had to split beause one wanted children and the other didn't. It turned out OK on the end, with my friend startng the family she wanted not long after, and both finding good new relationships.

Once you decide where you are heading, you will be able to sort out the pets and the mortgage. A marriage counsellor can be good for this, help you end things in a way that feels fair and is not too destructive.

@Dottie22

Wow. I am so glad I posted this. I am being completely and utterly selfish in thinking he should just change his mind for me. I’m doing the same thing, if not worse, than what he’s doing. I can’t expect someone to change their life for me. That’s impossible and so so selfish.

The thing is OP is I can see where you are coming from- why doesn’t he love me enough to do this for me? I think I would feel the same. But trying to imagine it from another repoint of view, having a baby is like a bomb has exploded in your life. Everything changes. Everything. Forever! It’s wonderful for the most part of course, but it’s all change. I want to set out scenario for you. Now imagine that your DH over the last year had developed a burning desire to move to some remote place on the other side of the world because of an amazing opportunity that he desperately wanted to do. Think Afghanistan. Totally different culture, you don’t know anyone, no family. Cant speak the language. DH will be out all day fulfilling this amazing vocation for him. You will never ever come back to the UK. He says if you loved him enough, you would come with him. You would fit in after a time and learn the language, make friends hopefully. It’s such a small thing, getting on a plane, and then it’s done. His desire to do this is so strong that he will have to go, either way. Would you do it?

Having a child should never be a "sacrifice" for anyone - he is being honest and I admire him for it. Children are a blessing but they are bloody hard work and can be very challenging for the most loving relationships I've found. If you want a child leave your husband.

First off, you were not "born to have children". I suspect is feeling a bit unfulfilled atm and seeing relatives with kids is maybe wondering if it's because kids are missing.

You need to be sure that this isn't just a passing thing. Which I suspect if you've never wanted kids your whole life until now, it might be.

Just because everyone else seems to be doing it, doesnt mean you should. Yes, kids are cute. But they destroy your body coming out and you have to dedicate years of your life to their care. Is this what you really want? Or are you just feeling obligated or unfulfilled? Or is it just passing broodiness for a baby? Because babies dont stay babies long! And broodiness usually passes.

If you are sure now you want them, then...you are the one that backed out on the deal with your husband and he has every right to say no. I'd imagine it must be horrifying for him that the woman he loves now wants him to choose between her and something he has always known he never wanted.

But you have to cut him loose if you want kids. That's what it boils down to.

Or...alternatively (and I know I'll get shot by the 'adoption isn't an easy option' brigade, so - i'm NOT saying it is, just that it might be AN option) if its babies your partner doesnt want specifically, perhaps you could look into opening up your home for foster children or look into adopting an older child. I mention it because I have no interest in having kids but would consider adopting older children one day. Might be worth finding out where be stands on that. If you feel it might suit you too.

Just, think on it for a bit. Finding a man you love who loves you is such a gift. Don't throw it away unless you are sure you have to.

I’m afraid that this is a decision that only you can make. If you really want children, and know that you will resent your DH if you sacrifice that desire, then unfortunately that makes you and him incomparable and the best thing for both of you is to split up.

OTOH, if you can be satisfied with being an auntie to your nieces and nephews, then throw yourself into that role and enjoy the life you and your DH have now. (I love being an auntie myself. )

IME, though, the urge doesn’t go away. I went through infertility before we adopted our DDs and there were times when I really wish that I could switch it off like a tap.

It isn’t your DH’s fault, though, that you’ve changed your mind, as he’s been honest with you from the start.

*you're not is in first paragraph.
Dont know why it's done that xD

It was different for me. I wanted kids and he knew this when we married at 22 and 26. He said yes, yes, in the nebulous future. When that future came he decided he never wanted them. We divorced when I was 30.

Sorry but there's no way to compromise on this and I would never advise a woman to give up her chance to have children, if she wants them, for a man. He can change his mind at any time. Now in my 50s, I've seen more than a dozen women who stayed with men who told them they didn't want kids. Not a one of them is without regret about them - in contrast to every woman I know who is childfree by choice. Many of these women who stayed with a man who 'didn't ever want kids' were dumped in their late 30s or 40s, the man then married a younger woman in record time and became Mr Family Man.

Don't hang around. Mine was honest, too, and so our split was amicable and at 30 you have time. It was painful but the right decision.

I feel if he really loved me then he would accept the fact that we can change our minds.
It's totally fine that you've changed your mind. It's just also totally fine that he hasn't. It doesn't mean you don't love each other but it may very well mean that you aren't compatible anymore.

I know that sucks. I know it would be so much simpler if he'd also changed his mind. But he's being really clear and honest with you that he hasn't - and frankly, that level of honesty is a gift. So many women are strung along for years by partners who say they aren't quite ready yet, and maybe in a year or two, once this and that is done... At least you do know where you stand. I'd suggest seeing if you can get yourself some sessions with a counsellor to help you process how you're feeling and think about what future you want. Best of luck to you.

I have 3 friends who were in that situation.

One left him and is now happily with child with someone else.

The other persuaded him in the end. They now have 3 kids despite him not wanting any for as long as I can remember.

The other stuck with him and now is 49 and too late for her. She regrets it. And knew she would. Especially as his husband is now in his 70s.

I went through this. It dragged out for ages and I left him age 33. Met someone else, ttc now at 38, after a year and several losses with no baby yet, I am wishing I left my ex sooner! Don’t be me, don’t waste your fertile years!

I think before you throw in the towel it would be a great idea to have couples counselling and really talk this issue through. He’s going to struggle to find a young woman who doesn’t want children. So the likelihood is in the future he will most probably have children with someone else. It’s best if you talk it through and make absolutely sure you understand each other’s viewpoints before you call time on it.

Personally I don’t think you’ll ever be able to shut Pandora’s box now it’s open. Those feelings won’t go away. They’ll just burn inside you and turn into resentment. If he thought he might want children in the future you could undertake IVF and make some excellent embryos to put in the freezer. Many celebrities do this but obviously it takes money and if he’s not interested I doubt he’ll want to spend out on it. So the obvious answer is to break up, but I can completely understand how awful a decision that would be if you’re happy together in every other way.

I honestly feel for you.

I'm sorry, I know this must be very hard for both of you.

If your husband definitely has his mind made up, I think you should divorce and you should pursue motherhood without him. It sounds like it would be really heartbreaking for you to give up the chance to try to have children. But having kids is very hard--it's very draining and demanding.

I spent most of my life thinking I'd never want to have children. I changed my mind in my 30s and eventually had a baby at 39. I love my daughter more than anything else and am incredibly grateful for her, but it's also been very hard (I'm not the most maternal person on earth LOL). I can't imagine how much I would have struggled with parenthood if I hadn't actually WANTED it and had still been in your husband's frame of mind.

Parenting with a partner who is equally on board with becoming a parent is going to be easier.

Only you can decide what’s more important to you op. But you cannot force someone to be a parent against their wishes, because a baby is not just a baby, they are a whole person, that you need to love and care for, for the rest of your life hopefully. Through the hard times and the good.

On a seperate note, have you posted about this before? Your wording is very familiar to another thread about the whole do it for me nonsense.

Move on. ASAP. I know of a couple who lived a very happy life together, the woman deciding her partner was more important than children. In her late 40s/early 50s the husband divorced her and very quickly married a much younger woman (who funnily enough looked like his first wife) and had 2 babies in quick succession.

First wife, alone, divorced, childless.

Man has lived 2 lives. Married and childless then married with children. The first wife has lost everything and then was divorced.

If you want children don't waste your fertile years on a man who has been honest with you.

This is a really sad situation. But your DH is fundamentally a good man who is being absolutely truthful with you. I say this as kindly as possible but it is you who has moved the goalposts in your marriage, not him. So it is you who will need to make a decision and take action.

It may well be best to make the decision sooner rather than later. That way you are maximising your chances of becoming a mother, whether in a new relationship or on your own. But you are also giving your DH a chance to grieve and then move forward with his own life.

I wish you all the very best.

I walked away from a long relationship with a lovely man in 2015 because I wanted children and he didn't. It was hard, but it was also the right thing for both of us to do. He's never going to be a kids person and that's ok. But I couldn't give it up - can't have is one thing, doesn't want is another entirely and as a friend pointed out at the time, you compromise on how many kids not on having any at all.

Married to someone else now, with a toddler and another on the way.

Don't make each other miserable. Walk away if it's what you need to do. Everyone changes.

@justanotherneighinparadise

I think before you throw in the towel it would be a great idea to have couples counselling and really talk this issue through. He’s going to struggle to find a young woman who doesn’t want children. So the likelihood is in the future he will most probably have children with someone else. It’s best if you talk it through and make absolutely sure you understand each other’s viewpoints before you call time on it.

Personally I don’t think you’ll ever be able to shut Pandora’s box now it’s open. Those feelings won’t go away. They’ll just burn inside you and turn into resentment. If he thought he might want children in the future you could undertake IVF and make some excellent embryos to put in the freezer. Many celebrities do this but obviously it takes money and if he’s not interested I doubt he’ll want to spend out on it. So the obvious answer is to break up, but I can completely understand how awful a decision that would be if you’re happy together in every other way.

I honestly feel for you.

NEVER do this. If one person changes their minds you cannot use the embryos and may have given up your fertility for a person who changed their minds about kids. IVF is also far from an easy process for the woman, it's not a game.

Ditto couples' counselling. She's 30. It's a waste of more of her time hanging onto this.

It's hard but I'm so glad I ripped the plaster off and we divorced, OP.

I had time to have 3 children.

Would you be willing to have a baby alone? eg sperm donor. You can't guarantee you'll meet someone else who wants/can have children.Im sorry if that sounds negative but nothing is guaranteed obviously.

It’s good that he’s being honest with you. It’s unfortunate that you’ve changed your mind but you can’t force him to have a baby.

I suppose the question is do you end the marriage because of it. If you say you’re ending it, is he likely to agree to a baby, because this would be so wrong too. You don’t want him having one to stop you leaving.

It’s unfortunate especially if you have a happy marriage. If you do divorce and it’s amicable you can do it yourself online and save yourself a fortune.

Good luck, hope it works out for you, whatever you decide.

He says he loves me and we have a great relationship but it kind of makes me feel sht that he won’t sacrifice this for me, for me to do what I was born to do*

I really feel for you being in this situation as I did think I was was going to be in this situation too (DH originally didn't want kids but I had always wanted them) however having been on the same page about not wanting kids I think it's unreasonable for him to have to make sacrifices because you've since changed your mind.

I suppose it comes down to what means more to you? And I think you already know the answer to that question

I hope it all works out for you

Sorry Op but like most other posters I think you're going to have to leave him. I never wanted DC and wouldn't have had one if my DP had changed his mind regardless of how much I love him. If he doesn't want a baby and you blackmail him into one he probably won't be the DF you want for your DC, he could be resentful and hands off and the whole thing will backfire. Break up as kindly as you can and let him start again

“Sorry but there's no way to compromise on this and I would never advise a woman to give up her chance to have children, if she wants them, for a man. He can change his mind at any time. Now in my 50s, I've seen more than a dozen women who stayed with men who told them they didn't want kids. Not a one of them is without regret about them - in contrast to every woman I know who is childfree by choice. Many of these women who stayed with a man who 'didn't ever want kids' were dumped in their late 30s or 40s, the man then married a younger woman in record time and became Mr Family Man.”

This with bells on. I also know women this has happened to. And the desire to have children is very powerful if it arises and is very unlikely to go away. And no matter how strong a relationship seems, men come and go, so I would never have foregone children for a man. Fortunately I didn’t have to.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. You and your husband have done nothing wrong - you’re allowed to change your mind and he’s allowed to not change his. It’s very hard to end a relationship which is otherwise successful but as a PP said, this is the most profound incompatibility a couple can have and there are no means of compromising. (Fostering is not a compromise - someone who doesn’t want children at all is very unlikely to have the skills necessary to foster children who by definition come from a difficult and traumatic background (they wouldn’t need to be fostered otherwise)).