Help! My husband doesn’t want children but I do

[Dottie22]

Hello,
I’m going through a difficult time at the moment and looking for a bit of advice on what to do.

Long story short: I never wanted a baby when we were first married, now I’m yarning for a child, but he says he will never want one. Do I leave him eventhough I love him?

Long story: when I first met my husband we both felt the same about having children. It was something neither of us ever wanted and it was great because it took the pressure off both of us. However, within the last year in particular, I’ve really wanted to become a mum. I have lots of young nieces and nephews and I’ve always loved being the aunt, but now I want a baby for myself. I’ve always been very mothering and caring and I feel as if being a mum is something I’m supposed to do.
My husband and I have spoken about this numerous of times. I have expressed my feelings to him and he has shut me down each and every time. Saying he feels he will never want a baby, and fully knows that he might loose me because of it. He says he loves me and we have a great relationship but it kind of makes me feel sh*t that he won’t sacrifice this for me, for me to do what I was born to do. He has told me in the past that he wouldn’t have a baby “just to keep me in his life” and it was absolutely heartbreaking.
I love him and I don’t want to loose him, but I’m scared I will resent him forever as I already do.
I’m reaching 30 so Im scared that if he ever does change his mind it’ll be too late.

I guess I’m looking for women in the same position or have gone through this and can offer me some advice. At the moment I’m just “sticking it out” and staying and trying to suppress these feelings as best I can. I can’t blame him for this because he married me knowing I didn’t want children, but at the same time I feel if he really loved me then he would accept the fact that we can change our minds. He would be an amazing dad but he just doesn’t see it.

Sorry for the words, I’m just trying to get everything out.
Thank you.

You can't say he would be a great dad - that's fundamentally not true. A parent that never wanted a child and resents them will not be "a great dad". And he sounds like he is right at the top, most extreme end of not wanting kids as he's already told you, his wife, that he would choose being child free over you. And has held the position of not wanting children from the start of the relationship. You have changed, not him, and you need to go and find someone that has the same new life dreams and goals that you do.

Fostering is not a compromise - someone who doesn’t want children at all is very unlikely to have the skills necessary to foster children who by definition come from a difficult and traumatic background (they wouldn’t need to be fostered otherwise).

Exactly. And any interviewing social worker will pick up the fact that her DH isn’t on board with it at once. They’re very thorough in their questions, take it from an adoptive parent who has been through the process twice.

A word of warning - it’s quite likely that if he sees you actually intend to leave, he’ll backtrack and start saying ‘Well I don’t know how I’ll feel in two years... I just don’t want them now... ‘ - understandable, it’ll be a shock and something he won’t want so it’s natural he would probably try and make you stay.

You can’t fall for this. The irony is that it’s more likely than not that by the time he’s 40 he WILL have changed his mind... but. No. Don’t be strung along.

The only answer to any of that type of persuasion is ‘Ok we’ll we start trying next month then’. Acid test.

And by the way of course I understand that some folk are quite decided that they never want kids and that’s fine. But in my own personal experience? I don’t know one bloke among friends who wanted kids when they were in their 20s - the most you’d have got was a confused laugh and an ummmm well maybe one day but I can’t see it, haha. At 40? They all have kids and are fully signed up to footy training and swimming lessons and you name it.

@MintMatchmaker

I wouldn’t sacrifice having children. I don’t mean this nastily, but nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and I wouldn’t give up my chance to have children for a marriage that may not last anyway.

The majority of marriages end because of having children.

Childfree couples are far more likely to stay together and, more importantly, be happier

@YoniAndGuy

And by the way of course I understand that some folk are quite decided that they never want kids and that’s fine. But in my own personal experience? I don’t know one bloke among friends who wanted kids when they were in their 20s - the most you’d have got was a confused laugh and an ummmm well maybe one day but I can’t see it, haha. At 40? They all have kids and are fully signed up to footy training and swimming lessons and you name it.

Interesting. I know quite a few friends whose partners and husbands actively and enthusiastically wanted and had kids in their mid to late twenties. DH was only 24 when I met him and knew he wanted them soon, was 27 when we had DC. Plenty of friends with older husbands too. I don't think it's always an age thing, it's more personality (though there is definitely a tendency socially now for people to have a more extended adolescence and not expect to be 'grown up' aka house, marriage, kids etc. before their thirties).

If you really want a baby then you need to leave him(if you feel you will resent him in the future) it sounds like he won't change his mind. Also for you to say he won't sacrifice it for you is a bit shit, you can't make him and not something either of you can compromise on.

You’re not yet 30 so you have time to split up and find someone that does want children.

That is far better than trying and failing to convince someone that doesn’t want kids to have them and worse bringing a child into the world that is unwanted by one of its parents.

@YoniAndGuy

A word of warning - it’s quite likely that if he sees you actually intend to leave, he’ll backtrack and start saying ‘Well I don’t know how I’ll feel in two years... I just don’t want them now... ‘ - understandable, it’ll be a shock and something he won’t want so it’s natural he would probably try and make you stay.

You can’t fall for this. The irony is that it’s more likely than not that by the time he’s 40 he WILL have changed his mind... but. No. Don’t be strung along.

The only answer to any of that type of persuasion is ‘Ok we’ll we start trying next month then’. Acid test.

This. Also you need to be prepared that he'll eventually have kids with a future partner, because that's what happens.

But all the same, you can only deal with what's in front of you. There's no compromising over this issue I'm afraid. Best of luck to you.

**The majority of marriages end because of having children.

Childfree couples are far more likely to stay together and, more importantly, be happier**

Except that it won’t be a happy marriage for someone who really wants DC. It isn’t a desire that just goes away. My life would have been much easier for me if it had, but it didn’t, and took me through a failed IVF and then adoption.

You can't and shouldn't try to change his mind. If you can't live without one you'll have to leave, but I'd get fertility checked our first. Bit ironic otherwise.

Also for you to say he won't sacrifice it for you is a bit shit, you can't make him and not something either of you can compromise on.

And the OP knows that really, she said that. She isn’t emotionally blackmailing her DH, she’s venting on a Mumsnet thread, which is a definite benefit of these boards.

Your husband should not agree to children just to make you happy. This isn’t an issue for compromise. This is an issue of fundamental incompatibility. You need to decide if this is a fleeting notion or if you need to have children. If you need children, then you must leave.

Interesting. I know quite a few friends whose partners and husbands actively and enthusiastically wanted and had kids in their mid to late twenties. DH was only 24 when I met him and knew he wanted them soon, was 27 when we had DC. Plenty of friends with older husbands too. I don't think it's always an age thing, it's more personality (though there is definitely a tendency socially now for people to have a more extended adolescence and not expect to be 'grown up' aka house, marriage, kids etc. before their thirties).

Yes of course. Different groups - I don't think it's a coincidence that most of my male friends were made through my profession, which generally involves a lot of moving around and is fairly full-on. University educated also usually = kids later. I can also say that by contrast, old acquaintances from my home town who didn't eg go away to uni or move citites for professional reasons tended to marry younger, buy their starter homes, kit them out with the wedding presents then start popping out the kids! Totally different demographics.

However - what I was focusing on it this. Of all the men I know who, when they were in their 20s-v early 30s, didn't want kids and/or hadn't even thought about it and certainly wouldn't have wanted to become parents at that point in their lives, all of them changed their minds by the time they were in their 40s.

I married DH with us both not wanting children. I had a change if heart at 40, DH agreed to TTC as long as it was casual (eg no charting, ovulation testing, temperature checking etc). He was I think convinced it was unlikely (he was 45).
We now have DD and he is the best dad, and devoted to her. But that’s luck I guess.
I wouldn’t have left him if he’d said no as I only wanted a baby with him, not on my own or with anyone else. I know we’d have been perfectly happy as we were. However if we were a lot younger, like you are @Dottie22 I suspect it will have finished us in the end. I hate to say it but your relationship has probably had it’s day as you want different things.

Of all the men I know who, when they were in their 20s-v early 30s, didn't want kids and/or hadn't even thought about it and certainly wouldn't have wanted to become parents at that point in their lives, all of them changed their minds by the time they were in their 40s.
I think there's quite a big difference, though, between 'haha not thought about it maybe one day I guess but definitely not ready now' and 'I absolutely do not want to do this'.

I wasn’t in this position but my friend was. They were a lovely couple together however in the end they both wanted different things and parted on good terms. It was really hard for them both as they loved each other however they have both moved on with lovely partners and she now has a little boy. It will be hard if you ultimately make the decision to leave, but it will also be so hard if you stay in the relationship and look back when you are older and resent not ever becoming a mother.

My ex and I got together knowing that we both didn’t want children and it was part of what made us ‘us’ however, as the years went on, something inside me changed and I found myself yearning to be a mum. I kept checking in with him to see if he felt differently and he was still adamant that he did not want kids. Ultimately, I had to end the relationship - he even said that he would change his mind and have kids to stop us splitting up but I knew that it wasn’t what he wanted really.

I got with my now husband not long after and we had a child the following year. No regrets here.

My ex and I are still really good friends and he adores my child. He’s said that seeing me with my child has made him realise that he does want kids now. Probably to late for him now though. Shame, he’d be a great dad.

It's a deal breaker unfortunately. What the others said.

My ex husband was ambivalent during our relationship of 6 years and subsequent brief marriage, but his ambivalence to starting a family had really started to wear me down eventually. I was 35/36 the time, and so we divorced because it became an impasse.

Unfortunately I did not go on to meet anyone suitable to settle down with (I have no idea how other posters in the thread not only managed to meet other partners but who also wanted families?! My experience was vastly different and very disappointing, maybe it was just bad luck on my part?).

I have decided to go it alone aged 39 and am currently 7 weeks pregnant via a sperm donor using IVF treatment, for me waiting for a future partner, and then getting to know them and then moving in and then TTC conversations... it all seemed like it would take too much time with no guarantees that the next relationship would materialise in having a family within the limited timeframe. In addition, as it turned out I needed IVF as I have medical issues so trying naturally would have only delayed the process even further. Have you considered being a solo parent at all?

Sounds very similar to a friend of mine, although they aren't even married. He is perfectly content with how things are, and has always been clear he doesn't want kids. She is outwardly happy, but inside deeply unhappy. And getting more and more bitter as she gets to an age of decling fertility. Despite the fact she has almost no ties to unbind and could leave at any point.

Please don't end up like that. It's hard, for sure, but love isn't enough if you are seeking very different things.

Fellow choice mum fistbump to @anthurium. Congratulations and best of luck!

You both want different things and children is a huge thing. You cant compromise here and never should sacrifice for it. He was clear with you from the beginning and you were on the same page, so its great that he is telling you the truth about it now. Otherwise if he would sacrifice, he would be mesarable, probably not a good dad and your kid would have a father, who never wanted him. Not the best scenario...

If you will stay and wont have kids, then you probably wont be very happy in this relations.

Did you think about it, why out of a sudden you've changed your mind? Maybe its temporary and you will change it back?

Your husband isn't to blame here. He's been honest since day one.. And he's entitled to feel the way he does because you both went into the relationship feeling the same way about children. You can't resent him for not wanting the same as you now. As hard as it is, you need to leave this marriage because it doesn't sound like it's going to change for you.

If you are not thirty yet I presume you haven't been married that many years and that he is around the same age.

I'm not surprised you've changed your mind and quite honestly I don't know how your husband can be so certain that he won't. It's a fact that many people do! You also hear of couples breaking up because of this issue and the man meets someone else with whom he has kids.

You have to impress upon husband that this is now really important to you.