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I'm devastated. Why is he acting like this? *tw*

(234 Posts)
packupmytroubles Sun 14-Feb-21 10:28:42

Ok so firstly trigger warning.

When I was 15/16 I was extremely traumatized after a major incident and 'acting out' , trying to run away from home etc. During this time I had quite a few sexual partners and at one point had a very short 'relationship' with a much, much older man (me 16, him 48).

My DP and me met 2 years later and have now been together a long time with DC.

He knew about my past. I told him a few months into our relationship.

The other night we were watching TV having a few drinks and something relevant came on TV. I don't normally drink a lot so it just came out that I was with someone way older. I wasn't graphic in any way.

Well DP has suddenly decided he can't handle this, he must have suppressed it and if he'd fully known he'd never have had DC with me, he would've left me. He's been saying some absolutely vile graphic things. He's also said he's "got what's left" of me and that he has to leave "such a person".

He's now decided that he will try if I report to police. But since I was 16 there's no crime, don't see how I can.

I'm bereft. I don't know what he's doing or why he's hurting me like this. I know I should LTB, I know, but we've been together so long I can't see it.

Help or even a handhold please.

OP’s posts: |
GreenLeafTurnip Sun 14-Feb-21 10:31:13

Oh OP I'm so sorry that you're being treated like this. You don't deserve it at all and for him to speak to you like that rather than supporting you is unforgivable in my opinion. I can't imagine the pain you are in but I'm sending very unmumsnetty hugs to you.

Do you have any family you can go and stay with for a bit?

Karwomannghia Sun 14-Feb-21 10:33:09

How awful for you. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. How old would the man be now?
Would he go for counselling?

ElfAndSafetyInspector Sun 14-Feb-21 10:36:07

I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't know if I have any advice, didn't want to read and run.

The problem is in no way you. It's with a 48 year old man who saw a vulnerable, traumatised teenager as an opportunity for sex.

If you were only 18 when you met your DH how old was he? Did he see himself as a bit of a rescuer but then never want you to mention it again? This is horrible for you flowers

ScreamingBeans Sun 14-Feb-21 10:37:14

My first thought is that he's having an affair or has done something appalling and is using this to try and gain a negotiating lever.

Otherwise it's just baffling, you told him about what happened when you were a child, his current behaviour is abusive and vile.

I'm sorry he's letting you down so badly. I don't think you can "try" to save this relationship because he clearly has the intention of always holding this over you as some kind of trump card. It's finished. I'm really sorry. flowers

packupmytroubles Sun 14-Feb-21 10:41:21

Yeah I'm feeling numb and tired like you get after a panic attack.

He's went to his parents as they are our bubble so I can't even see family in person. None of my family know I've never told them.

The man would be 66ish now.

I've had extensive counselling for this and other issues. Still he's managed to make me feel dirty and less than. If I hadn't had the counselling I may have taken on his horrible words, I refuse to blame myself. He would never go for counselling.

I'm hating him so much right now but I also just want to hug him and to be 'us' again.

He says "there is no us" and wouldn't come near me.

I just don't understand it.

OP’s posts: |
PicsInRed Sun 14-Feb-21 10:42:22

Yes, he could be having an affair and looking for any excuse - no matter how disgusting it actually makes him.

You mention you got together young. Were you his first girlfriend? Is there religion in the background?

packupmytroubles Sun 14-Feb-21 10:47:16

My first thought is that he's having an affair or has done something appalling and is using this to try and gain a negotiating lever

He's not having an affair. You know how there are zero signs and you just 'know' he isn't.

He just had a big birthday and has been depressed and moody, talking about being a failure, having 'nothing' etc. Maybe it's that, like he's trying to take it out on me. I still don't understand it though.

I don't see him bringing it up as a trump card, that's not his style, but I can see him simmering resentment over it.

OP’s posts: |
Sakurami Sun 14-Feb-21 10:48:29

He's full of shit. You were very young but evennif you hadn't had been and been a few years older, it makes no difference to your relationship.

Something else is going on and probably to do with him, and trying to justify things to himself by making you the guilty party.

Okokokbear Sun 14-Feb-21 10:49:48

As pp's have said this sudden change makes me wonder if there is somet else going on and he's looking for an excuse to cause problems or end your relationship.the saying some awful stuff and also doesn't get to dictate how you behave regarding reporting to the police. I'm not sure there is anything to report either.

I think what you need to reflect on is whether yiu actually be want to be with someone who can think of you and talk to you like this. I'm sure his behaviour is a massive shock I'm sorry this is happening.

packupmytroubles Sun 14-Feb-21 10:50:01

Yes we got together young but he was a bit older than me (not creepy older) and he had 2 x 2 year girlfriends before me and a couple one night stands He was brought up religious but he's not practicing and he does not believe in marriage.

OP’s posts: |
AlternativePerspective Sun 14-Feb-21 10:59:43

How long have you been together?

TBH none of this makes any sense. He always knew about your past and only brought it up after you were watching television and mentioned it and now he’s left you because of it?

TBH this relationship is over. It doesn’t matter what he says going forward, there’s no going back from this.

packupmytroubles Sun 14-Feb-21 11:10:00

Together 14 years.

I don't think he is actually going to leave me. He said he can't be with me over an hour or two, then downgraded it to he can only move on if I report the man to the police.

I think that maybe since he's depressed at his milestone birthday very recently and feeling a failure (his other family are successful) that when I said that it gave him something to lash out about and take out on me.

I can't see us getting over this though. Resentment on both sides would be immense.

I feel mentally bruised and wretched. I'm so hurt and angry too. Thank you all for the support.

OP’s posts: |
NotStayingIn Sun 14-Feb-21 11:23:22

I get that you are really upset but I would move pretty sharpish to being really fucking angry.

How DARE he take something from your past that is nothing to do with him, and then use it against you, to hurt you, humiliate you, control you. WTAF.

He is unhappy about something in his life, and he is using this to create an issue to distract from whatever the fuck it is he is actually pissy about. And he may not even know what he is actually unhappy about.

I would be LIVED. Do not let yourself get treated like this. Put a stop to it right now. I honestly would tell him to shape up or f off. God I'm so angry on your behalf!!! (Sorry that's not very helpful x)

Meowtha Sun 14-Feb-21 11:42:54

Report what to the police? You were legal.

dottiedodah Sun 14-Feb-21 11:44:05

He is being very unreasonable here I think.I wonder why he has behaved like this while all the time knowing you had had other sexual partners at such a young age? Why does the age of this man matter so much to him? Do you think as he gets older he seems "jealous" of someone more senior having sex with you at such a young age? (seems very fucked up if so) Would you be able to get a prosecution if you were 16 (Should be able to but who knows after such a long period has passed)Maybe talk to him in the cold light of day and see what he says.The fact you have been together so long and his knowledge of this traumatic time in your life makes it hard to understand TBH. Would he consider Counsellling at all ?

packupmytroubles Sun 14-Feb-21 11:47:18

@NotStayingIn

No you are helpful and I appreciate it, thanks.

I agree, knowing him so well, that he is using this to distract himself from his recent birthday and his own failures. Normally, he'd just try to pick minor fights when he feels like that, but this has given him the ammo.

I AM livid don't get me wrong, but I'm also left worrying what the impact is going to be in the future - will he keep bringing it up, will it affect our sex life. The more I think about it, the more I think that I cannot stay with him unless he apologises and never brings it up again and he doesn't reject me for it. Otherwise it's doomed.

We haven't spoken so far today. I did text last night that I never wanted to speak to him again.

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Twisique Sun 14-Feb-21 11:48:04

I suspect he wants out of your relationship and this is a handy excuse for him.

knittingaddict Sun 14-Feb-21 11:52:44

It sounds like an excuse to me. Is that possible? Something is going on in his own life and this is a convenient stick to beat you with and deflect from his own behaviour.

Whatever it is he is terrible for treating you this way, you have done nothing wrong and you can do better than him.

AlternativePerspective Sun 14-Feb-21 11:53:52

Do you have children OP?

TBH I would never speak to him again.

I wouldn’t be telling him to get counselling and the like, I would take him at his word and tell him the relationship is over. I don’t care how depressed he is. This is not ok.

packupmytroubles Sun 14-Feb-21 11:58:40

@dottiedodah

I don't know. He's definitely not into much younger women. For context, he was 7 years older when we met. His exes were older than him.

He'd never consider counselling at all. I think he should and his mum thinks he should (for other issues) but he'd never agree to it.

I never reported anything because I assume at 16 there is no crime? (the guy was a creep though, he'd go on about how he left his wife for her 17 year old step sister, and ask me if I like older men etc during the few times we had sex. yuk. In fact I can't remember much). I DID NOT give details to DP. I was also abused by my grandfather at 15, so before that. And between 15 and 16/17 I had about 15 partners.

I've gone through years of extensive counselling and it's mostly all in the past for me now. I was silly to mention it briefly when drunk, but dp knew it's not like he didn't know. I'm so angry at him for treating me like this.

OP’s posts: |
packupmytroubles Sun 14-Feb-21 12:05:03

Yes we have children.

I'm angry on their behalf too, because although it's not unusual for dad to go stay at grandparents for a couple of days (extensive health issues), they are old enough to know something is wrong with me.

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CaptSkippy Sun 14-Feb-21 12:06:57

Maybe he is only now showing you his true face. IT sucks, OP, but you deserve better. You deserve support from someone who claims to love you. He has clearly been faking it all this time. Sometimes it takes a long time before the mask falls off. This is not your fault.

Giraffey1 Sun 14-Feb-21 12:07:14

It’s very odd, and very unfair of him. Would he be saying the same things if you’d been with someone younger? It all seems rather irrelevant, and all’s out him. Not about you at all. I’d be getting angry with him, tbh.

Giraffey1 Sun 14-Feb-21 12:07:40

* it’s all about him *

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