Bathroom door

[PandemicPalava]

Just had a very odd and disturbing situation unfold out of nowhere. Dd is now 10 and although I have always gone to the toilet and showered etc with the bathroom door open / unlocked I am getting to the point where I feel we need to reinstate privacy. We had dd when we had only been together a couple of years so I don't think I ever locked the door before as it was all new and I'm not that bothered. However recently maybe because of lockdown and constant people everywhere, I feel the need for more privacy.

Anyway, just had a bit of an upset tummy related to period and was cleaning self up and washing menstrual cup in the sink by the door and dp asks me to open it as he needed his deodorant which was right by the door. I said hang on a minute, and he said no, open the door. I was washing my cup and knickers and just didn't want him in there right at that moment and didn't want to touch the lock as I had blood on my hands. He just started shouting 'open the door, why aren't you opening it?' I keep saying 'just hang on a minute' and he just got so so cross.

I eventually opened it and said that I was sorting period stuff and he said he didn't care and I should have opened it.

I'm reeling. This is not about the deodorant is it? This seems really controlling to me. He is a bit controlling but I think it's anxiety, but this makes me want to insist the door is locked every time I'm in there now.

How dare he? He is always asking what dd is doing upstairs too. She is going to be needing increasing privacy soon too and I want to now be firm on boundaries.

How do I handle this? Was it just because he was surprised as I've never locked it or is this something else?

Feel quite upset

[FatCatThinCat]

I'm not surprised you feel upset, he's told you quite clearly that he doesn't care about your boundaries/privacy and is quite prepared to use intimidation to trample over them to get his way.

[PandemicPalava]

Yes I agree. I don't know where it came from. What do I do? Lock it every time?

[MrsBrunch]

Ask him why he didn't respect your privacy.

[MrsFinance]

You have a right to privacy, period.

[PandemicPalava]

I will ask him. I don't think he knows what privacy means. This house is so small maybe he is just used to always having access to everywhere.

[FatCatThinCat]

@PandemicPalava

Yes I agree. I don't know where it came from. What do I do? Lock it every time?

I would, but then I'm a contrary bugger. Not sure if it'll help though or just escalate things. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along shortly.

[PandemicPalava]

He's huffed off out with the dog. I need to fix this before it is dd not being able to be alone for whatever reasons she needs to be

[PandemicPalava]

That's what I'm thinking, will it then become a tit for tat thing where he purposely does a 3 hour poo as he needs privacy when I need a wee?

[babyneversleptthrough]

I'm annoyed for you. Maybe next time he should wash out your cup.....

[PandemicPalava]

Brilliant! What disturbed me is that he didn't even seem to consider I may be in a situation where I couldn't open the door. Not that I should need a reason

[Shesheadingonin]

I would lock it and tell him that’s what you’ll now be doing for some privacy just in case it was anxiety that caused that appalling outburst. It’s never a good thing when a partner treats you like a child. I would assume this isn’t the only incident of controlling behaviour?

[PandemicPalava]

Spot on. Not the only incident. This needs fixing

[PandemicPalava]

As contrary as it is, I'm going to lock it. I need form boundaries and this shouldn't be an issue.

He also doesn't like it when I go upstairs to read. It's like me without him doesn't exist

[Shesheadingonin]

You are right, you’re a grown woman. I really believe in teaching people how to treat you. He sounds very needy.

[PandemicPalava]

Incredibly needy actually. I don't know whether it's a confidence / anxiety thing or he genuinely doesn't respect me. No idea. He takes everything personally

[ScaredOfDinosaurs]

Please don't get sucked into thinking that neediness or anxiety could justify this behaviour, it doesn't. He is being massively unreasonable to behave that way, any anxieties he might have are his job to manage.

I'm interested to know if he will accept a locked door going forward or whether you'll get more tantrums or even a mysteriously broken lock.

What do you think he is likely to do when you keep locking it in future?

[PandemicPalava]

Thank you, I will not get sucked in.

I think it will become a game. He will lock it and as we have one bathroom make me wet myself as he will stay in there so long needing his privacy

[PandemicPalava]

I will have to get the potty out of the cupboard in preparation so he doesn't get one over on me

[PandemicPalava]

Fuck. This isn't good is it? I will let you know what happens as I am locking 100% of the time from now.

[user1174147897]

This is feeling like a tip of the iceberg situation.

Ever done the Freedom Programme course?

[PandemicPalava]

No I haven't, what is it?

[PandemicPalava]

I can't even begin to think about the other little things as I do think we have a problem here. I just brush it away as he is brilliant in so many ways, works for himself but this side of him makes me feel vulnerable

[ScaredOfDinosaurs]

Yikes, that doesn't sound good at all. Do keep posting on here for support if things don't go well.

[Aquamarine1029]

I think your blinders have finally come off. None of this is healthy or normal. Your partner sounds horrible, honestly.

[PandemicPalava]

Thanks everyone I really appreciate it. I think it is all so subtle I just pretend I don't see it a lot of the time. The Freedom Programme looks great thank you