How to ask DH if he's gay

[WakingUp55643]

This might seem like a load of crazy nonsense, or massive generalisation, but I'm convinced DH might be gay. Just now he's watching a programme about the 80s, and there's a lot of focus on AIDS and gay culture. As soon as they started showing a clip of a film, he shouts "My Beautiful Launderette" as if he was really familiar with it. Anyway, for background, and this is where it might sound mad, he lived most of his younger life in Brighton. But he usually reacts negatively when any L G B
T Q issues come up on telly, Gay Pride, Drag Race etc. and I can't help thinking that often the people who are 'against' these things are hiding something in themselves. Another thing is he's quite effeminate. I don't like using that word, but I think it describes how he is without going into a long description. But mainly, he has never really shown any sexual interest in me. If anyone has seen my other posts or comments, you'll know we have had problems for a long time, and that I want to end things and move on, but am finding it almost impossible to do that as I don't want to hurt him. Especially as he is going through a hard time. But little things keep coming back to me that just give me signals, even with music he listens to, he likes Bronski Beat, Depeche Mode etc.. I know, I know. Even typing this I feel like I'm being a bit nuts, but maybe I'm looking for a reason he has never acted 'manly' towards me, why he doesn't go looking for sex anywhere else (porn etc.)as we haven't had any for ten years, why he seems happy to continue living as housemates forever, although he says he loves me and always wants us to be together. I just feel like I'm stuck with a gay friend, and that's my marriage. So, how do I ask him? Should I ask him? I know he'd just laugh and say I'm being ridiculous, and then things would just be more awkward than they already are. Does this sound mad?!!!! Has anyone else had these thoughts? Thanks, and sorry if I've caused any offence. X

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

You haven't had sex for a decade?
He is openly homophobic?

You don't need him to be gay to leave, you just need to accept this is not a happy and healthy relationship for either of you.

[PatsyJStone]

I thought my friends ex husband was gay, and still do. He had no interest in sex and there were other potential signs. If he is I don’t think he will ever say so.

Ask him to be honest, you’ve both got a life to live, how do you both want to live that life? If it won’t hurt you if he is gay, tell him you won’t be hurt. But be honest about what you want, do you want a sexual relationship and can this be with him or not. If he doesn’t want that and neither do you, with him, it s leading to a bigger conversation.

Maybe he is comfortable in who he is, gay or straight, without sex. Unless he opens up and you trust what he tells you, your only option may be to make your own decision about what is right for you. And move on if that is the right thing.

[Northernparent68]

I’m not sure there’s a correlation between music and sexuality, but I think patsy is right.

[Gingaaarghpussy]

Could he be asexual?
Sometimes people pretend to be something they aren't to escape what they feel because of fear. Even in todays more accepting society.

[laidbacklife]

You probably should ask him if you feel you need to get that question out of the way but just don’t expect the answer to be ‘yes’. Sounds like he’s not particularly one way nor t’other and is even less so bothered by it! From what you say, he seems pretty ok with life. If you’re not though then you will need to decide what you want to do and act on it.

[OfTheNight]

I’m not sure it matters that he’s gay. You both seem like this relationship isn’t working for you. No sex for ten years must be so difficult. Just split, leave the questions.

[FingersCrossedForAllOfUs]

He might be gay or possibly asexual but as others have said he might not want to admit it to himself.

It is important for you to realise you don’t have to find any reason other than the fact you are unhappy in order to leave him.

You don’t want to hurt him but are you going to stay in this marriage forever living like this?
You will both be upset if the marriage ends but it will mean you can both hopefully find happiness with someone else in the future if that is what you want.

[Dery]

You don’t want to hurt him. But what about how much you’re hurting yourself by staying in a marriage which has been sexless for 10 years? You’re clearly not okay with that. And it’s alright not to be okay with that.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. We have just this one shot. Do you want to spend the next several decades in a sexless marriage? On your death bed, would the knowledge that at least you didn’t hurt your H’s feelings be sufficient recompense for all the life opportunities you missed because you stayed in a sexless marriage in order not to hurt his feelings? I really don’t think so. Nor should it be.

There may be other reasons why you’re staying with him. He might be a fabulous partner in all but that one way and your relationship may otherwise be a huge source of joy, nurture and support. But it doesn’t sound that way. It sounds like you need to cut your losses and move on.

[Singlenotsingle]

There doesn't have to be blame for a couple to separate. It's just not working. He can't honestly expect you to go without sex for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter whether he's gay or not. Maybe he's just asexual.

[WakingUp55643]

Thanks everyone. It really makes no difference whether he's gay or not. I'm so unhappy and don't want to be married to him anymore. Maybe I'm looking for the one thing that will give me a way out. I say all this here, but when I'm face to face with him, it all feels too real and I can't get the words out. I realise we only get one life and that if I want to change it, it's only me who can do it. Here I am lying in my son's bed, avoiding going to mine because he's there. This is no way to go on. I'm exhausted. Thank you all for your comments X

[RantyAnty]

How would you feel if someone was just staying with you because they either didn't want to hurt you or was too afraid to pull the plug and they stayed for years when they wanted to leave years ago?

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

What's your housing situation?

[katy1213]

You don't need to be given a way out; you take it. And maybe when the dust settles he will indeed make a great gay/asexual best friend.

[namechangealerttt]

So interesting to read this, I am in the process of seperating from my husband and thought the same thing. I did ask him a number of times and he denies it. My husband is a bit effeminate, but I think men in general are becoming a bit more effeminate anyway, and he would listen to some of that music but I think it is the era. I have just felt something is a bit off with my STBXH, and the sex was dreadful and the last few years non existant.

Anyway, going a little bit off topic but possibly another line of thought to consider, a person who knows my 8 year old son well, asked if I had ever thought about getting him assessed for ASD. I hadn't, but asked someone else who knows him what they thought, as I might be too close to it. She agreed my son had autistic traits. It made me think about STBXH, then I just googled this today www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164
At the end of the articles, in the comments, women have described the sad sex lives with the ASD partners, and to be honest, it is pretty similar to my own experience. Maybe worth reading to either consider or rule out?

[thosetalesofunexpected]

Hi Op
I actually do think you are defaintely in a Lavendar marriage.

I think your instincts, are right,
your husband either in the closet as a gay person or ambigious /Asexual oriented.

Nothing wrong if he is that way, boring world if everybody was the same way so to speak.

Its definitely unfair for him to expect you to be satisfied (clearly you are not, to continue this way of living too...

Like other posters have said and you know too, this life is not a dress rehearsal....

Op you really do not need any excuses to carry on ,continue this flat mates house share living arrangement.

Feeling unsatisfied and quite unhappy is a valid good enough to want to move on...

Its not healthy for your living the way you are currently.

Its not Authentic,for you..

You can move on, lead separate lives and meet someone have a relantship that is better fit for you emotionally.

And still be friends with your ex husband too if you so wish to..

Best of Luck x

[namechangealerttt]

I also felt being my STBXH being gay would explain something and make it easier to leave the marriage. It is hard to leave a marriage when your partner is not maliciously being nasty and they do care about you, but I have been so depressed. Although many of my partners actions have not had malice in their intent, his actions have none the less been extremely hurtful.

[mathanxiety]

I made the final decision that my so called marriage was over when I discovered gay porn on the home PC.

As soon as I found it staring me straight in the face I knew too that I should have called it quits years and years before that point. I had been miserable; he was abusive in every way.

But mainly, he has never really shown any sexual interest in me. If anyone has seen my other posts or comments, you'll know we have had problems for a long time, and that I want to end things and move on, but am finding it almost impossible to do that as I don't want to hurt him. Especially as he is going through a hard time.

There is never a 'good time'.

You don't need to manage the feelings of a grown adult through accepting that your relationship is over. You need to stop fretting and start therapy. An involuntarily sexless marriage can be soul destroying and can leave your confidence in shreds. You need to talk to a sympathetic therapist about finding YOU and embracing the idea that you deserve to have your needs met.

In a way, it doesn't matter if he is gay or asexual or whatever.

What matters is that you and your H apparently do not communicate on any sort of meaningful level and you are not living anything close to the life you want to live. It is very important to tackle whatever it is that is holding you back from drawing the necessary line under the relationship. The sense of responsibility for your H's reaction to you asserting your needs and your desire to be seen as a woman indicate that you have been significantly worn down within this relationship. You need some building up.

Let go, disengage. Start thinking in terms of Me and I and Mine instead of We and Us and Our.

[fantasmasgoria1]

Depeche mode are liked by a wide fan base and I don't see how their music makes you link it to being gay. Loads of non gay people listen to bronski beat etc

[mathanxiety]

This is no way to go on. I'm exhausted.

This is the way out you are looking for.

[FluffyHippo]

I don't understand your confusion - if he prefers cock, he's gay. Ask him.

Everything else you've given as 'evidence' is, quite frankly, laughable.

[pilates]

You know what you need to do. Be strong and kind to yourself. You cannot continue with your life the way it is.

[Sunflowergirl1]

Why did you have a relationship if he never showed any sexual interest in you...I just don't understand that?

In any case, this is an awful relationship. Split up and start enjoying your life again

[Wiredforsound]

I said to mine, “Are you gay?” And he said, “Yes, I think I am”. And that was that.

[TheVanguardSix]

I'm so unhappy and don't want to be married to him anymore

You don't need to ask the question or any questions. There are no answers that would fix things or make you want to stay. It's time for you to start living your life and stop enduring the pain of a dead marriage.

[FippertyGibbett]

You don’t need to ask him, just stop dithering and leave.