How to ask DH if he's gay

[WakingUp55643]

This might seem like a load of crazy nonsense, or massive generalisation, but I'm convinced DH might be gay. Just now he's watching a programme about the 80s, and there's a lot of focus on AIDS and gay culture. As soon as they started showing a clip of a film, he shouts "My Beautiful Launderette" as if he was really familiar with it. Anyway, for background, and this is where it might sound mad, he lived most of his younger life in Brighton. But he usually reacts negatively when any L G B
T Q issues come up on telly, Gay Pride, Drag Race etc. and I can't help thinking that often the people who are 'against' these things are hiding something in themselves. Another thing is he's quite effeminate. I don't like using that word, but I think it describes how he is without going into a long description. But mainly, he has never really shown any sexual interest in me. If anyone has seen my other posts or comments, you'll know we have had problems for a long time, and that I want to end things and move on, but am finding it almost impossible to do that as I don't want to hurt him. Especially as he is going through a hard time. But little things keep coming back to me that just give me signals, even with music he listens to, he likes Bronski Beat, Depeche Mode etc.. I know, I know. Even typing this I feel like I'm being a bit nuts, but maybe I'm looking for a reason he has never acted 'manly' towards me, why he doesn't go looking for sex anywhere else (porn etc.)as we haven't had any for ten years, why he seems happy to continue living as housemates forever, although he says he loves me and always wants us to be together. I just feel like I'm stuck with a gay friend, and that's my marriage. So, how do I ask him? Should I ask him? I know he'd just laugh and say I'm being ridiculous, and then things would just be more awkward than they already are. Does this sound mad?!!!! Has anyone else had these thoughts? Thanks, and sorry if I've caused any offence. X

Thanks again everyone. And again, sorry for the stereotypical references. I'm just trying to describe how he is, in a very clumsy way.
In terms of the lack of sex, when we've talked about it, he has said he hasn't wanted to do anything with me as many years ago I once told him it was painful for me. Well yes, on a couple of occasions it was. But surely that wouldn't be a reason to shut off all sexual feelings, and as I told him, even people who do have pain can still do loads of different things for each other. So for that reason, he holds me at fault for withholding sex from him for all these years. Clearly a problem with communication in that instance. So, it's clear that he does want a sex life (maybe) but he puts way more importance on keeping the family together, and says that me bringing this up and saying that I want a sex life is me being totally selfish if I'm willing to break up the family over it. He says he's so used to going without he's not even bothered anymore. But apart from that, the reason for my first post about the possibility of him being gay stems from the fact he just doesn't look at me the way a man should look at a woman he fancies. He's never noticably had a hard on or even seemed mildly turned on for years and years. Even when we hadn't been going out very long (15 years ago) we went on a weekend away, and to cut a long story short, because I dragged him away from the pub so we could go back to the hotel (obviously for sex) he just went in a huff and refused to do anything in bed because I'd made him miss his song on the jukebox. No sex on wedding night, he just went to sleep. No sex on first wedding anniversary when I booked and paid for the same bridal suite as we'd had for the wedding. Too many examples to list. And so after all that refusal, I just started to think "why should I give you anything?" Many other things have happened over the years which make me absolutely not want to be around him, but I'm desperate for a loving relationship. He seems to think what we've got is enough. But I might as well go round with a bag over my head.

OP I really think you need to adjust your mindset. You don’t need his permission. You do have a responsibility to yourself and your DC to live your best life. It’s so much better to be happy rather than miserable.

“Many other things have happened over the years which make me absolutely not want to be around him, but I'm desperate for a loving relationship.”

Oh, OP, this sounds so sad. It certainly seems that you would be a lot happier without him. Take some time to just be yourself and trust that you can find that loving relationship further down the line with another man if that’s what you want

It's not him, it's you.

Instead of asking him "Are you gay?"

Ask him "Are you happy?"

If he says "No". Then you say "neither am I, let's separate."

If he says "Yes". Then say "well I'm not, let's separate."

@doodleygirl and @BaconMassive have it bang on. For whatever reason, he’s happy with things as they are. You’re not. It’s unsurprising that you’re not. The marriage sounds very unhappy. He’s not going to give you the permission you want to walk away from the marriage and you could waste a lot more years waiting for it. You don’t need his permission anyway. You just need your own. Remember your marriage is the model your children are seeing. Would you want them to replicate it?

@WakingUp55643 just get yourself some therapy and get out. I am on the way out and my only regret was I didn't do it sooner. I really struggled because I have been depressed and didn't want to make a bad decision in the fog of depression. I didn't know if my bad marriage was making me depressed or the depression was making my marriage bad...I am pretty sure now the marriage has been a huge contributor.

Nobody is perfect and we all bring our own faults to the table, but the capacity of my STBXH to recognise his own faults and work to change or improve himself is extremely limited.

Well said Littlestlily thread is getting derailed.

I thought most people enjoyed a bit of Depeche Mode, I don’t think that’s a sign of homosexuality by any means .

I’d just ask him whether he is or not. If he reacts defensively then he probably is... If he tells you he isn’t in a more casual way then he probably isn’t. Some people are just a bit homophobic, they’re not all gay themselves. My best friend is gay and his Dad is a massive homophobe. He isn’t gay himself, he’s just a twat.

My page hadn't refreshed thread is very helpful again!

@BaconMassive

It's not him, it's you.

Instead of asking him "Are you gay?"

Ask him "Are you happy?"

If he says "No". Then you say "neither am I, let's separate."

If he says "Yes". Then say "well I'm not, let's separate."

This is really well put.

OP you can't wait for permission to live a happy life. You have to make steps to actually do it.

You have agency here, you have choices.

The right thing isn't always the easy thing. In fact when it comes to big decisions the right thing is often the difficult thing.

But you can't spend the rest of your days living half a life. When you look back on your life, you could look back on many happy years if you leave now so youhave a chance to live them.

@namechangealerttt I've had two years on and off counselling. The first minute of the very first session was me saying "He just doesn't seem to want me. We haven't had sex for 8 years," and she replied "is he gay??!!! He's got to be!" Anyway, she has told me all the sensible things - that I deserve to have my needs and wants met, to be happy, that it's ok to leave a relationship at any time for any reason, and that lots of people move on and are fine in the end.
He is going through a really rough time with work and is stressed and keeping me awake at night. So I don't feel like I can just snap and tell him I am also stressed and depressed because of him. It just feels cruel. So I suck it up and carry on. I know I have to change things. I know.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Yes, this is the other thing the counsellor said - "I think you've come here to ask for permission to leave the relationship, and you don't need that, you can just do it."

[quote WakingUp55643]@youvegottenminuteslynn Yes, this is the other thing the counsellor said - "I think you've come here to ask for permission to leave the relationship, and you don't need that, you can just do it."[/quote]
If you feel you do need permission then you've had it from your counsellor and from all of us on here, so you need to accept that it's now in your hands.

Are you scared mostly of starting again, of what people will think or of how it will affect him?

I think what he was watching and his music taste reflects more the age he is than his sexuality.
It doesn't matter whether he's gay or not. You've not not had sex for 10 years! Now why would you put up with that? He's not bothered about that upsetting you, so why be concerned about upsetting him? Would he be bothered if you sought sex elsewhere, seems a fair thing for you to do under the circumstances?

@youvegottenminuteslynn I'm mostly scared of the affect on him. Closely followed by the affect on the kids. His family is 300 miles away, and he has no friends up here he could go to. He has no savings. I'd be casting him out to nothing. And in his mind, what has he done wrong? I go over and over this a thousand times a day.....

@WakingUp55643 you could still be talking about my STBXH! We moved to a new area 3 years ago now, he has no friends here, that is his fault, not mine, I have encouraged him to get involved in things locally and always uses the excuse whatever I suggest is not for him.

What has he done wrong?

Withheld sex for 10 years.
Will not address this situation.
Does not take your needs and feelings into consideration.
Does not communicate with you.
Passes the blame on to you.

I could go on .......

But why should you?

I doubt there is a single person on this planet that is not stressed at the moment. That does not give anyone the right to withhold love and affection for 10 years????

And don't kid yourselves that this has not had an effect on your children. You are modelling a relationship that they will mirror when it is their time. Do you want that for them?

If you are like me, you are probably a shell of your younger self because you have put the needs of so many others before your own.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids, they deserve a happy mum that is fully functioning and giving them their best.

Would it make it better for you to find out that he is a closeted gay man? I can see that it would, in all honesty - but it's debatable as to whether he's actually acknowledged that to himself.

A friend of mine split (amicably) with her husband for various reasons, one of which was a lack of sex for over 4 years - since splitting, he has had a few flings but has finally moved from thinking he was bisexual to being homosexual now and has a boyfriend. Still amicable because they still like each other and get on as friends - but the spark was long gone and it's better for them both now.

Do you think you would remain amicable with him?

Hi op, I have some experience of this as my brother's marriage broke down when his suppression of his sexuality reached a head.

He married his childhood sweetheart and I really think he did adore her but not in the way she wanted and needed. The difference I think though is that she knew he had had brief encounters with a man before they got married but believed he was bisexual and he chose to be with her (which he did). As the years went on he became very depressed and were more like flat mates until she finally called an end to the marriage as neither of the were happy.

My brother said he would have been happy to continue the marriage for the companionship as they did still care for one another very much but she wanted more than that (and so she should).

She is now getting married to someone else and he finally explored his sexuality and is with a lovely guy who he lives with. The are both very happy and are still good friends and co-parent their son well. I think if they were honest, they would say they should have separated years ago.

I don't know if your dh is gay, I guess only he knows that but it sounds like maybe he's not ready to admit it to himself or anyone else even if he is.

For the record, it came as no surprise to anyone that my brother is gay.

@minmooch I have to say, he does try to communicate with me. Every so often when we have to have a conversation about our issues, he's the one to start it - I tend to avoid it. I've read about grey rock on here, and that's what I'm doing, but it's just making me look like the bad guy making a miserable atmosphere. But if we do get into a discussion, I find it really hard to think on my feet, he does turn things round on me, and I get myself tied in knots and just hope the conversation will come to an end.
And yes, I don't want my kids to have similar relationships when they grow up. They see nothing affectionate between their mam and dad. But then that's also my fault as they see him trying to chat to me, small talk stuff, and I either don't respond or just look annoyed. i always feel like I'm in the wrong.

@Sunshineandflipflops it would be no surprise to anyone here either.

These are the things that have stood out to me from your post.

he just doesn't look at me the way a man should look at a woman he fancies

Before marriage weekend away he refused to do anything in bed because I'd made him miss his song on the jukebox

No sex on wedding night, he just went to sleep. No sex on first wedding anniversary when I booked and paid for the same bridal suite as we'd had for the wedding. Too many examples to list

Yet -
he holds me at fault for withholding sex from him for all these years

saying that I want a sex life is me being totally selfish if I'm willing to break up the family over it

You are right, he does turn discussions back on you and makes it your fault.

Sadly this has been going on for years and years and its not going to change because even in the early days he was finding reasons for getting out of the situation.

It sounds like he was more enamoured of being "married" and having a family - than he was having a real relationship with a woman, his wife.

What was his family situation pr work/friendship group situation when you married? Did he have heavy expectations from them about starting a family?

He certainly withheld his lack of sexual interest (for whatever reason) from you when you married. It sounds like he doesn't seem to need/want it.

I think the issues you raise about why it's so difficult to leave, are things that can be resolved bit by bit in the future if you do make the first decision. Perhaps he could move nearer his family or visit them more often or make new friends, that's really up to him. What happens if you stay sacrificing until your children are 18 and there you both are on your own together?

Don't let him cast you in the role of selfish woman breaking up the family, You can make sure that you both still co-parent, but you've given enough of your time to a situation that just doesn't work for you.

@minmooch

And don't kid yourselves that this has not had an effect on your children. You are modelling a relationship that they will mirror when it is their time. Do you want that for them?

This.

I didn't have sex for a similar amount of time because exH slept on the sofa and we had issues that he clearly never wanted to address.

Notice he is EXh. I never regretted leaving and I hated what was being modelled to the DCs.