Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How to ask DH if he's gay

99 replies

WakingUp55643 · 01/12/2020 21:53

This might seem like a load of crazy nonsense, or massive generalisation, but I'm convinced DH might be gay. Just now he's watching a programme about the 80s, and there's a lot of focus on AIDS and gay culture. As soon as they started showing a clip of a film, he shouts "My Beautiful Launderette" as if he was really familiar with it. Anyway, for background, and this is where it might sound mad, he lived most of his younger life in Brighton. But he usually reacts negatively when any L G B
T Q issues come up on telly, Gay Pride, Drag Race etc. and I can't help thinking that often the people who are 'against' these things are hiding something in themselves. Another thing is he's quite effeminate. I don't like using that word, but I think it describes how he is without going into a long description. But mainly, he has never really shown any sexual interest in me. If anyone has seen my other posts or comments, you'll know we have had problems for a long time, and that I want to end things and move on, but am finding it almost impossible to do that as I don't want to hurt him. Especially as he is going through a hard time. But little things keep coming back to me that just give me signals, even with music he listens to, he likes Bronski Beat, Depeche Mode etc.. I know, I know. Even typing this I feel like I'm being a bit nuts, but maybe I'm looking for a reason he has never acted 'manly' towards me, why he doesn't go looking for sex anywhere else (porn etc.)as we haven't had any for ten years, why he seems happy to continue living as housemates forever, although he says he loves me and always wants us to be together. I just feel like I'm stuck with a gay friend, and that's my marriage. So, how do I ask him? Should I ask him? I know he'd just laugh and say I'm being ridiculous, and then things would just be more awkward than they already are. Does this sound mad?!!!! Has anyone else had these thoughts? Thanks, and sorry if I've caused any offence. X

OP posts:

Alexafrost · 02/12/2020 07:18

You could ask him if he prefers cock or fanny.

Dery · 02/12/2020 07:20

“I'm so unhappy and don't want to be married to him anymore

You don't need to ask the question or any questions. There are no answers that would fix things or make you want to stay. It's time for you to start living your life and stop enduring the pain of a dead marriage.”

This with bells on.

Ironingontheceiling · 02/12/2020 07:21

Just leave.

It doesn’t matter if he’s gay, straight, or anything else. You’re not happy. And you’re not having sex.

Just leave. There will never be a good time. There will always be a reason to stay. You need to decide if it’s worth it to you to leave.

nosswith · 02/12/2020 07:26

Whether it is because he is asexual, gay, or just does not want sex with you any more, is possibly not particularly relevant. You are unhappy.

Cygne · 02/12/2020 07:26

If you know that he will deny it when asked, I don't really see the point in asking him. I also don't see the point in trying to avoid hurting him by leaving him when you're so unhappy yourself; for all that he loves you, I rather doubt that he's particularly happy in your marriage either. It would be best all round if you make firm plans to leave, including checking out your rights in terms of maintenance and property, and then have a conversation with him when you point out that neither of you are really happy and it would be best all round if you can both be free to live your lives as you want.

minmooch · 02/12/2020 07:36

You don't need his permission, you don't need him to confess to being gay, you don't need to find any further reason to leave other than you are and have been unhappy for many years.

Give yourself permission to leave and start afresh. Allow yourself to know that you deserve more than this.

Your DH is an adult. He has to take responsibility for himself and his own actions.

You can't make him straight, gay, happy, unhappy.

Enough is enough. You can't communicate honestly with each other. This is enough. You tell him you are not living the rest of your life like this and make the first steps to separate. It doesn't have to be a hostile separation. You may find your DH is relieved.

Littlestlily · 02/12/2020 07:50

OP, I’ve read some of your other posts, it seems that you and your children are living a mostly separate life from him already? It is very unfair of him to use his mental health issues to make you stay, as another poster said, it really is his responsibility to try to help himself, I was also very depressed over the last two years, but my children deserve for me to give it everything I had to get well again.
You really have given the marriage your best effort, at the expense of your own happiness, you are not a lesser person op, you deserve happiness too.
I know how you feel, you want a big event or revelation to tip this over the edge, to give you a solid reason to leave, you really don’t need one, 10 years with no sex or affection, his refusal to admit anything’s wrong or the way this affects you, that’s is 💯 reason enough op x

nolovelost · 02/12/2020 07:59

I often wondered if my ex husband was gay, he used to really exagerate his feelings when seeing a gay kiss on TV.

You're unhappy, and you deserve someone that wants to be close to you.

gannett · 02/12/2020 08:01

Music taste, TV habits and being "effeminate", whatever that means, are not indicators of sexual preference and it's quite offensive to think they are.

Whether he's gay or not isn't the answer you're looking for. There's no intimacy or communication in the marriage regardless.

If you want to bring up separation, going straight for the "ARE YOU GAY" nuclear strike first off won't make the process any easier, especially as if he may not even be out to himself (or he may not be gay at all!). You have enough reasons to separate without going there, really.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 02/12/2020 08:10

He might be.

But if he says ‘no’ you are no further forward. Still unhappy, still wanting to leave.

If he says ‘yes’ you feel you have a green light to leave the marriage.

You have that anyway.

The things that are wrong are wrong. It doesn’t actually matter why they are wrong.

You are looking for a way to make him end it, instead of you.

PeppermintPatty10 · 02/12/2020 08:10

If you feel like the question, ‘Are you gay?’ Is too confrontational or difficult to ask, you could start with, ‘Have you ever had any feelings for the same sex?’
However I agree with above posters in that you don’t sound happy in the relationship. Gay or not, do you want to work with him to improve things?

PeppermintPatty10 · 02/12/2020 08:13

Oh sorry I’ve just read the part where you say you don’t want to continue.
I do see why knowing about his sexuality would help you explain things, and I think you’re entitled to ask the question.

Lotsalotsagiggles · 02/12/2020 08:15

I think just leave

You may just do him a favour by letting him be free, abs that would be help him more than you continuing to stay to spare his feelings

What's about your feelings too? Everyone has a right to love abs be loved

Please break away and try to be happy again, you owe it to yourself abs your kids

Xxxx

Tomorrowistomorrow · 02/12/2020 08:21

@PatsyJStone

I thought my friends ex husband was gay, and still do. He had no interest in sex and there were other potential signs. If he is I don’t think he will ever say so.

Ask him to be honest, you’ve both got a life to live, how do you both want to live that life? If it won’t hurt you if he is gay, tell him you won’t be hurt. But be honest about what you want, do you want a sexual relationship and can this be with him or not. If he doesn’t want that and neither do you, with him, it s leading to a bigger conversation.

Maybe he is comfortable in who he is, gay or straight, without sex. Unless he opens up and you trust what he tells you, your only option may be to make your own decision about what is right for you. And move on if that is the right thing.

This. As I was reading this I was reminded of the Friends sketch where Chandler is asking if he has "gay hair". But I do despair that you are so sterotyped OP to believe that if you watch or like a certain film or music -if is your sexuality. My son liked pink wellies when he was younger and wanted hair clips -is he now going to be gay teenager? My ex husband snatched a brush out of his hands once as he was "becoming gay"? Jesus wept. For the record, he could be asexual, pan, bi, straight, gay -I don't give a monkeys. Music is music. Films are films.Likewise you just need to move or accept your relationship how it is.

BadLad · 02/12/2020 08:22

Depeche Mode

Everyone with good taste in music likes them.

EggysMom · 02/12/2020 08:26

Bronski Beat? Depeche Mode?

Liking good music doesn't mean you are gay or asexual

KenDodd · 02/12/2020 08:30

Sounds like you want to leave anyway are just looking for a reason to do so, it's as if him being gay will give you the reason you need.

AspiringAmazon · 02/12/2020 08:46

I love reading Jeanette Winterson and I once watched Bound. I better tell my partner that I’m probably a lesbian! Meanwhile surely most people love Depeche Mode, they’re brilliant.
A person’s taste in music, films etc. plus being deemed effeminate or butch whatever those derogatory terms mean are not indicators of sexuality. That kind of thinking is offensive and quite old fashioned.

In all seriousness, OP, you don’t need any other reason to leave your husband other than the simple fact that you’re unhappy. Good luck

KatherineJaneway · 02/12/2020 09:22

@BadLad

Depeche Mode

Everyone with good taste in music likes them.

🤣🤣🤣

cuppateabiscuits · 02/12/2020 10:05

World Aids day 1 December
It is a fact that a high percentage of heterosexual men dabble in homosexual relations
Or perhaps he is fascinated enough to watch these programmes and let go of his past attitude
I do not think it is you looking for an excuse to to leave rather you actually want to know if he is gay
Yesterday was World Aids day. In the real world men dabbling in secretive sex need to know it is 2020 to come out and practise safe sex for god reason.
Kendod. Are they supposed to all live as one😂

SpilltheTea · 02/12/2020 10:07

Music taste and being 'effeminate' aren't indicators It doesn't matter if he's gay. You're unhappy, leave him.

Littlestlily · 02/12/2020 10:23

I don’t think OP is asking for any lessons on being woke, she’s said in her original post that she feels crazy writing what she has, and has also apologised if she has caused any offence, she is asking us for advice on why her husband would withdraw himself sexually from her for so long and so completely. Maybe not the right post to try to educate her. We don’t know this man and, while music tastes don’t have a relevance to sexuality, she certainly feels that there’s something he’s hiding from her. Be kind people

Original poster

WakingUp55643 · 02/12/2020 10:48

@namechangealerttt I have also thought this is a possibility. Again, I'm trying to avoid sweeping stereotypical statements, but I do see things in him that make me think of ASD. This is also a subject which would be very difficult to broach. I suppose my head is just spinning with so many thoughts, I can't just sit down and be sensible and make a decision for me and move forward.

OP posts:

nosswith · 02/12/2020 11:04

I watched the same programme, interested on how the 80s were seen by the presenter. I knew the said film, because I have read several books by Hanif Kureshi and indeed once attended a book launch by him.

I am a man and 100% heterosexual and am surprised that a knowledge of one film could lead to the assumptions the OP made.

MitziK · 02/12/2020 11:07

Being able to recognise a film or liking a couple of really good bands (Erasure were bloody good as well) has sold all to do with sexuality.

Not wanting to have sex with you might. Or might not. Whatever, just end the marriage and have done with it because you aren't happy.

Flip

1 2 3 4