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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to ask DH if he's gay

99 replies

WakingUp55643 · 01/12/2020 21:53

This might seem like a load of crazy nonsense, or massive generalisation, but I'm convinced DH might be gay. Just now he's watching a programme about the 80s, and there's a lot of focus on AIDS and gay culture. As soon as they started showing a clip of a film, he shouts "My Beautiful Launderette" as if he was really familiar with it. Anyway, for background, and this is where it might sound mad, he lived most of his younger life in Brighton. But he usually reacts negatively when any L G B
T Q issues come up on telly, Gay Pride, Drag Race etc. and I can't help thinking that often the people who are 'against' these things are hiding something in themselves. Another thing is he's quite effeminate. I don't like using that word, but I think it describes how he is without going into a long description. But mainly, he has never really shown any sexual interest in me. If anyone has seen my other posts or comments, you'll know we have had problems for a long time, and that I want to end things and move on, but am finding it almost impossible to do that as I don't want to hurt him. Especially as he is going through a hard time. But little things keep coming back to me that just give me signals, even with music he listens to, he likes Bronski Beat, Depeche Mode etc.. I know, I know. Even typing this I feel like I'm being a bit nuts, but maybe I'm looking for a reason he has never acted 'manly' towards me, why he doesn't go looking for sex anywhere else (porn etc.)as we haven't had any for ten years, why he seems happy to continue living as housemates forever, although he says he loves me and always wants us to be together. I just feel like I'm stuck with a gay friend, and that's my marriage. So, how do I ask him? Should I ask him? I know he'd just laugh and say I'm being ridiculous, and then things would just be more awkward than they already are. Does this sound mad?!!!! Has anyone else had these thoughts? Thanks, and sorry if I've caused any offence. X

OP posts:

Mydogmylife · 02/12/2020 15:37

I don't really understand going 'grey rock' when he tries to talk to you, surely that's completely self defeating? You need to talk, find out what's going on his mind and tell him what's going on in yours. From the sound of it he's no happier than you, so you need to plan your futures be it together or apart.

Original poster

WakingUp55643 · 02/12/2020 16:03

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff Something that my mam said has always stuck with me. She said that on our wedding day, his family seemed relieved to be finally marrying him off! Maybe yes they expected him to get married and have the family life his brothers and sisters have. His family is lovely by the way. Looking back, when we were looking at dates for the wedding, he insisted on wanting to be married before he turned 40, so we got married in the May rather than autumn which I would have liked. When we met he told me had had recently broken up with his fiance.... she got him to fly all the way to Australia so she could break it off with him face to face. He won't even brush his flippen teeth for me!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 02/12/2020 16:16

Why don’t you just leave him. Stop looking for reasons that will make it feel like you have permission to leave. The relationship doesn’t work, that’s enough of a reason.

Sunflowergirl1 · 02/12/2020 16:58

Sounds like he is in denial that he is gay

TheNationsFavourite · 02/12/2020 17:18

It sounds like he was more enamoured of being "married" and having a family - than he was having a real relationship with a woman, his wife

This is so familiar and painful to remember.

I left, messily, 15 years ago because I met someone else out of the blue and I finally realised there was nothing wrong with me at all. I was just married to someone who didn't find me attractive and actually, I don't think liked me all that much really.

He is still single but hasn't had one date in all that time. Well, none that he has made public. Much easier to blame me for messing things up than to really think about what was at the heart of it all. He isn't a bad person really but he has been very manipulative over the years and I still feel angry at times at his fundamental dishonesty.

Keratinsmooth · 02/12/2020 17:29

New year have a chat, start it amicably about how to plan your separation? Deciding a date to do it will be a weight off your shoulders and allow you to plan and enjoy Christmas

ViciousJackdaw · 02/12/2020 18:14

Oh dear. Your DH clearly has no idea about the meaning of love. He cannot get the balance right, can he? Have you ever heard any blasphemous rumours saying that he is dreaming of me(n)? Regardless of whether he just can't get enough of men or not, you must insist on a policy of truth. People are people though and you may sadly find it is time to leave in silence and start a new life.

mathanxiety · 02/12/2020 19:04

...he has no friends up here he could go to. He has no savings. I'd be casting him out to nothing. And in his mind, what has he done wrong? I go over and over this a thousand times a day.....

Stop it. None of that is helpful to you or to your children.

He is a grown up. He has a job. He will be fine.

He doesn't have to do anything startlingly or provably wrong to find himself divorced. He just has to have made you feel miserable. He barely brushes his teeth? He turns arguments around on you?

You can't live on for years doing grey rock in your own home. Grey rock is only for temporary use if under the same roof, and full time when apart. Call a screeching halt for the sake of the children. This is not at all healthy for them.

Start figuring out your financial situation. Check your equity in the house, how much you owe. Check benefits you may be entitled to and future income with bare bones child support. Is divorce and remaining in the same house affordable? Could you move?
See a solicitor about all of that plus custody/visitation.
Tell your H that you have decided to end the marriage.
File for divorce.
Your H will need to respond.

It's a lot to contemplate in practical and psychological terms, but something has to give here.

mathanxiety · 02/12/2020 19:08

He is going through a really rough time with work and is stressed and keeping me awake at night. So I don't feel like I can just snap and tell him I am also stressed and depressed because of him. It just feels cruel. So I suck it up and carry on. I know I have to change things. I know

Slap yourself in the face and wake up.

You are suffering from a case of toxic niceness.

TheNationsFavourite · 02/12/2020 19:16

I'd be casting him out to nothing. And in his mind, what has he done wrong? I go over and over this a thousand times a day

I worried myself sick over this, he cried and threatened to kill himself but he's done just fine. Has loads of hobbies and friends, great relationship with his children, nice home.
You can't be responsible for him all his life. What about yours?

The tipping point for me was facing 40. Suddenly realised if I didn't make changes, I didn't like the way life was looking.

BadLad · 02/12/2020 19:57

@ViciousJackdaw

Came back to make a post like this, but you've done it better.

topcat2014 · 02/12/2020 20:12

Oh dear, I need to throw out my bronski beat, communards and erasure CDs then..

To be fair there is no escaping the story of small town boy.

They were big successes back then.

Good luck OP.

Original poster

WakingUp55643 · 02/12/2020 20:42

Just to add to the reasons I find it hard to leave - and I realise it sounds like one excuse after another - I look after my brother who's really poorly with epilepsy and can get a phone call at any time to go and help him out in an emergency. So DH being in the house with DCs lets me do that. I wouldn't be able to help as much if I was on my own with the kids. I'm at the hospital now. I can't see how to get round this :(

OP posts:

QuentinWinters · 02/12/2020 21:58

There's 2 things here:
1,) you are unhappy, he won't address it
2) his sexuality
Point 1 can only be resolved by you leaving if he won't address it, and to be honest you have given him lots of chances
Point 2 may be a cause of Point 1, but doesn't change it. If he is gay its likely to come to light once you separate anyway and then you will know.
You don't need to know he's gay to have permission to split

Torres10 · 02/12/2020 22:54

Surely if he is a responsible dad he will still help out with care of his children in an emergency?!

Not sure that's a reason to stay..but I think you probably know that!?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/12/2020 23:28

@WakingUp55643 - depending on how well you do get on as housemates, there is the option that my friends took, which is to stay in the same house but live separate romantic lives.
This has worked well for them both - he has a bedroom that has its own access, so he can have visitors without disturbing the rest of the household (incl the children) and she is currently doing her own thing.
What it achieves for them is that they are both able to help the other out in terms of childcare, he doesn't have to pay separate rent (thus reducing family costs overall) and they still have that companionship when they want/need it.
But they are legally separated and there is no going back.

If you don't like your H enough to do this though, it won't work for you.

8obbingabout · 02/12/2020 23:47

Sorry it has come to this. You should separate but I think you already know that. If you don't call it a day nothing will change. Can you imagine this for the rest of your life? You 100% deserve to be happy you know. Life is too short x

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 03/12/2020 08:49

He likes Bronski Beat so he must be gay, Jesus get a grip. Don't look for excuses to leave, if you are deeply unhappy, end it but don't make up crap about your partner being gay

Stapleton143 · 03/12/2020 09:18

I am also in a sexless marriage. Currently filling out the online divorce form online, I suspect he’s gay. I don’t think he will ever admit it. It causes so much unhappiness to both of us, especially under lockdown where he is working from home all the time. I have adult special needs children as well. I wish he told me before getting married. I suspect he thought he would marry the gay away. I thought if a man marries a woman he can’t be gay. I need courage to leave.

TheNationsFavourite · 03/12/2020 14:08

I wish he told me before getting married. I suspect he thought he would marry the gay away

This in spades. I honestly thought for years that I obviously wasn't enough of a woman. Makes me very sad, looking back.

Find a new honest life for yourself.

TurquoiseDragon · 03/12/2020 14:35

@mathanxiety

Slap yourself in the face and wake up.

You are suffering from a case of toxic niceness.

This.

Because once the stress is dealt with, what will be the next excuse.

I left my ex after 30 years. He didn't take it well, but there was no way I'd have retained my sanity if I'd stayed. Yes, he was depressed, but so was I, and he ignored that. My life is better now.

Original poster

WakingUp55643 · 03/12/2020 16:51

@Stapleton143 Hi, if you don't mind me asking, what is involved in the online divorce application - I'm a bit wary of googling it.

OP posts:

Alexafrost · 04/12/2020 12:02

"I love reading Jeanette Winterson"

Really? How very strange.

mathanxiety · 05/12/2020 07:37

Wishing you courage and serenity, @Stapleton143.

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