Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

[Fiftyandmore]

Just a bump in case anyone wants to keep me company!

[bumbleb33s]

Hi OP, I’m 55

I started OLD 10 years ago. I’ve been on loads of dates, some where I liked them but they didn’t like me and vice versa, it was a bloody nightmare sometimes.

I got to the point where I decided I’m going to stop wasting my time spending an evening having drinks with someone if I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere , so, if I turned up and they looked nothing like their picture, or I didn’t feel an instant attraction I would have one drink and say I’m sorry this isn’t working for me and go, I never blagged guys with old photos, and would always talk on the phone first. I did have a couple of relationships that lasted a few months, but not where I felt I wanted to spend the rest of my life with them.

In 2016 (yes, 6 years of dating) I met the guy I’m with now and we’re buying a house together and getting married next year.

So, I would say persevere, Though don’t settle for second best. I used to hate the “hi” “you ok” msgs but would give them the benefit of the doubt to start with as guys tend not to like being rejected so they may be waiting to see if you’re happy to chat before putting the effort in.

I’ve also been pleasantly surprised by guys in real life being nicer looking than photos, it was more about the chat and personality for me at first, then see if you click on a date. You tend to find the ones with gorgeous pics sometimes aren’t as nice in RL.

Final one, I used to push for a date very quickly after starting to chat, as it’s no point chatting for weeks only to find you don’t click in real life.

Hope that helps, good luck 🍀 x

[Techway]

I'll join. Quite new to OLD, been on a few dates. No one I felt comfortable with. I think it takes time to read adjust to dating especially if you had a long relationship before.

@bumbleb33s, did you know early on that your dp was a keeper?

[bumbleb33s]

@Techway I agree, it does take time to adjust, I’d just come out of a 20 year marriage and it felt weird, didn’t like anyone as was comparing to ex etc and felt I’d never meet anyone. It became a bit of a social thing for me on nights i didn’t have my children, better than sitting home alone night after night sometimes, and funny stories to tell my friends too, by that I mean don’t take it too seriously or go in with too many expectations.

Yes, when I met my DP I knew that first night he was different and luckily he felt the same too.

I used to swear by a book called ‘the rules’ especially when you meet a guy you like, some of it’s a far out but most of it is brilliant, and I’d say it’s true that you should treat the ones you like, like the ones you don’t like

[VivaVegas]

I'm on the 40s thread but I'm 50 so sit in the middle of both!

Dated last year after being single for a year after my EH had an affair after 25 years together. I was scared to hell after being with the same person for so long. Had 2 dates, one I didn't fancy, the second he didn't fancy me and the third we hit it off and saw each other until a job move for him and Covid pulled us apart. We remain friends and had a fun 6 months that j thought I'd never have after how crap I felt after my marriage ended.

I started online again at the start of August, finding it much harder this time, lots of men messaging and disappearing for no reason, reluctant to meet for obvious reasons. Just playing at it really.

I've been on 2 dates, both nice guys but there was no attraction for me with either of them.

I was getting quite dispondant about it, kept if the apps at the weekend and have a few matches/messages to look at tonight.

It's bloody hard though!

[catladybag]

@bumbleb33s - could I ask if you asked your partner to meet or did he do the asking?

I'm finding the OLD a bit slow at the moment. I had more dates in my 40s but that was before the Covid situation.

[paperpunch]

I think online dating is grim for women past mid 30's. The men seem to get worse as the time goes by! I think it is a numbers game but as I get older I don't have the energy for it.

I had given up and was trying to be ok with just myself but lockdown was so hard to do alone so I'm thinking of trying again.

[CandidaAlbicans2]

I did OD when I was in my 30s and 40s with mainly rubbish results as I wanted a serious relationship yet mainly found players. Now I'm in my early 50s and I'm very tempted to give it another go, but this time I hope it'll be far more relaxing as I only want a FWB. But I'm not bothering at all until we're back to normal regarding covid as I'm not remotely interested in a pen pal/virtual relationship; I want to meet them ASAP and get them into bed if we like each other

[bumbleb33s]

@catladybag I can’t remember with my current partner if I did the asking or if it was him but I put in my profile that I would want to meet sooner rather than later and not chat forever and I would say that when I got chatting to somebody too, my attitude was always that I didn’t want to spend weeks chatting only to meet and not be suitable for each other, most guys were OK with that and the ones that weren’t And wanted to chat forever I would just move on from

[Fiftyandmore]

Oh no! I just wrote a long post and lost it!

bumble I'm so pleased that your perseverance has paid off, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding. It's so nice to know there could be a positive outcome for us all!

Viva my current experience sounds really similar to your experience since August. I'm sorry bloody Covid interfered with your nice 6 month long relationship. You're right, it is hard work and it can be depressing.

paper I agree with you about the men seeming to be worse - I see hardly anyone I'm attracted to, although I have warmed to a few men thanks to their conversation. I know that I'm 55 but I don't feel it, and I don't feel ready yet for any of the 70-plus men who contact me obviously looking for a carer. If it wasn't so frowned upon I could share some shocking pictures! And some of the usernames - "cunninglinguist" anyone?!

I too was in a long and happy marriage of 20 plus years, but dh had been ill for many years so there was no sex. He died four years ago, and about 18 months after that, I met someone (not online) and discovered for the first time in decades the wonders of sex! I really thought that that side of my life was over, and I really thought I was fine with that. I was incredulous to find that not only could I still feel a strong physical attraction, but that someone could feel that way about me too.

That relationship ended about a year ago and in truth I'm probably not really over it. But I'm very aware that at my age I don't have time to waste and, knowing from losing dh that life is short, I don't want to waste time. That relationship was a double edged sword though - it showed me what I was missing but it's left me feeling I'll never feel that way again.

So I have actually contemplated doing what you're thinking of Candida but I know if I'm
brave enough to go down that road!

[Fiftyandmore]

That was long, sorry! And sorry for the oversharing.

[LatelyOfShalot]

I tried OLD and freaked out after 24 hours on the site. I got 2 guys being really nasty about my profile, and 2 guys who wanted my phone number there and then. I think if I try again I can ignore the haters, but I will get a cheap second phone so I don’t give my number to a stranger.
Will wait until this pandemic is over too.

[Newbracelet]

I'll join the thread. I took the 1 month offer on Match and it's awful tbh. For all the reasons given above.

[Newbracelet]

Luckily I can see the funny side though.

[VivaVegas]

Fifty I can completely relate as my 6 month relationship was lovely and I realised how selfish my EH had been for a long time (probably as he was persuing his extra marital interests).

I miss him, I miss how nice he was to me and I miss the fun dates we had (we always went out and did things, no sitting infront of the tv) and I too miss the sex.

I really want to find something very similar with someone else.

I'm only 50, very fit and active and don't feel or look my age (so I'm told) so am not interested in the unfit, overweight or 60 year olds!

Much as I didn't fancy him my date last week was 45, I wasn't sure if that was too young. But he had older DC than me, and we got along fine and he wanted to go out again. If nothing else, it made me widen my dating range for the future!

[Newbracelet]

What is it with the 20, 30 and 40 years old though? Can they not read the age range I've set? It's creepy.

[Fiftyandmore]

I'm sorry that a lot of us are not having good experiences but there is some comfort in knowing it's a common feeling!

The only rl friend I have who is OLD seems to have so many dates - at least one a week but more often two. I just don't know how she finds so many that she thinks are worth meeting nor how she gets so many of them to the point of actually meeting!

She's had three or four relationships of about six months plus from OLD over the last five years but is still looking for The One. Sometimes I look at her and am inspired, sometimes I look at her and think I just don't have the energy!

[Fiftyandmore]

@Newbracelet I think that too! I assume they're hoping to learn new tricks but, if I ever agreed to a meet (which I wouldn't!) they'd be sorely disappointed! I especially hate it when ones the same age or younger than my dc contact me.

[blisstwins]

Hi...hoping to join you when a few more things settle. I am 51 and will introduce myself properly in another post. The post about what young men are looking for made me want to jump in. I am friendly with the doormen in my neighborhood and one of them, in his early thirties, told me women in their 50s are his favorite. They cannot get pregnant and they finally get how much fun sex can be. I am still not recovered from my divorce and the idea of sex is overwhelming, but he changed my perspective a bit!

[Feelingfree]

I would love to join the thread.

I’m 56 and have been single 4 years now. After being with ex for 30 years I really can’t imagine being with someone else (although I certainly don’t want to be with him). I tried OLD last year but really wasn’t in the right place. Same issues as most of the posts above.

I’ve now joined some meet-up and Facebook groups and will see how they go before trying OLD again. I’m still not sure I want a relationship as I’m very happy single but feel I need to give it a try.

Has anyone tried an introduction agency?

[VivaVegas]

Good to have a few of us on the same position, if it's any consolation the issues being talked about are the same for those in their 40s on the other thread 🤣

[LilOldMe]

I asked a psychologist about why younger men fancy older women (particularly online) once.

She said it’s to do with your social status or “market value”. Men’s value, when they’re young, is lower. They don’t have money or power or a thriving career and so their status is average.

Women’s value, in contrast, when they’re younger is HIGH. They have fertility and youth and beauty. (Perceived as high-value in dating.)

As women age, they lose value. As men age and acquire things, they gain value. So older men feel they “deserve” women of the same value as them (younger). Whereas younger, lower-status men feel comfortable with older women who have a value similar to themselves.

It’s why older men who get successful will ditch their older wives and trade up to a younger wife.

The way I’ve written it here sounds like I’m devaluing us! (I’m nearly 50.) But the psychologist didn’t mean it badly. She said it’s just human nature to date the same value as yourself.

[movingonup20]

There's gems out there . I was lucky, I registered in June and met dp in October, moved in 6 months later and the rest is history. I think when you are older you just know when it's right (or not)

[MikeUniformMike]

I am registered but not active. I get the 'Hi, how are you?' messages and they are not inspiring.

[Dancingboots]

@LilOldMe

I asked a psychologist about why younger men fancy older women (particularly online) once.

She said it’s to do with your social status or “market value”. Men’s value, when they’re young, is lower. They don’t have money or power or a thriving career and so their status is average.

Women’s value, in contrast, when they’re younger is HIGH. They have fertility and youth and beauty. (Perceived as high-value in dating.)

As women age, they lose value. As men age and acquire things, they gain value. So older men feel they “deserve” women of the same value as them (younger). Whereas younger, lower-status men feel comfortable with older women who have a value similar to themselves.

It’s why older men who get successful will ditch their older wives and trade up to a younger wife.

The way I’ve written it here sounds like I’m devaluing us! (I’m nearly 50.) But the psychologist didn’t mean it badly. She said it’s just human nature to date the same value as yourself.

Yeah there’s a whole theory about sexual market value that does de value older women . Of course the therapist may not have realised how devaluing it is but it still IS . It basically says women’s primary worth is their looks and fertility whilst men’s is things like life experience , assets , wisdom ( the things we all gain with age ) this type of thinking has been used to devalue women for centuries .
If true it also suggests that any woman entering a relationship with a younger man can expect to be dumped as he ‘gains value ‘ .... either way it’s a lose lose for women who have a shelf life of approx 10 yrs at best according to this theory whilst men can halve some shelf life that gets better for decades into their late late years .
These sexual market theories are all over the intel forums and the men going their own way . There’s even a sub called aged like milk that suggests women past age 22 are past it lol