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Partner used prostitutes

(77 Posts)
Imaydestroyyou77 Sun 02-Aug-20 09:23:46

Hi I am new and have stalked this site over the years about this topic. Sorry this is so long but I need to get off my chest. Nearly 3 yess a go when my baby was about 7 months old I came home and my OH was in a very bad mood he’d had the afternoon off while I was out with baby. He was in such a foul mood when he was bathing the baby I unlocked his phone and checked it something I never usually do. There was a text from him saying I’m outside to a text with an address. There were also some landline numbers he had called. I took down all the numbers and later googled them. The landline number didn’t come up but the mobile came up with a prostitute number calling card she was an older woman very ugly. I was disgusted and very very shocked.

Our sex life’s was never amazing and he had problems keeping an erection but in every other way he is /was a great partner. We had a hard time conceiving which obviously put pressure on our sex life.

That night once baby was in bed I chucked him out and spent the next few days crosschecking his phone bill and bank statements. He’d done it a number of times over the years .... called more than had gone trough with. When I confronted him he lied about the extent but had to own up after I showed him the evidence.

I took him back after 2 weeks and we’ve been living together since. We don’t have sex (we tried once) but get on very well mostly but it’s not the relationship I want. I just can’t bring myself to wanting to have sex with him it makes my skin crawl. I don’t know what to do if we split we’ll both be significantly poorer and right now we don’t have much to spare. We have lovely times as a family and he’s a great dad and he makes me laugh dies housework etc I’m scared of being a single mum and worry as my child is an only. But I know deep down we can’t carry on like this.
Should I try and get us some counselling? He’s suggested it ? I really don’t think he’s doing it any more I think he’s changed but I can’t move on. It’s been so long now my child is really close to him and will devastated - Part of me wishes I kicked him out for good back then and then another part of me is scared of being alone and trying to have another relationship.

Just need some advice really .... this lockdown has given me time to think

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GilbertMarkham Sun 02-Aug-20 09:55:02

Personally this would be a deal breaker/beyond the pale and so I'd advise just trying to establish whether you truly couldn't afford to live alone. Have you been through everything with eg the citizens advice people? Of your income is low enough, you'd get universal credit, the housing allowance, child are allowance (85% of cost if on universal credit), probably council tax relief, school meals, uniform help, transport to school help, then child benefit, and whatever child maintenance you get off him. There is a calculator online.

If you're married and you own anything you should get half or more.

It really may not be as bad as you think financially.

I know women who've been cheated on and who've gone on to meet good partners.
It's not "one chance or nothing".

GilbertMarkham Sun 02-Aug-20 09:55:58

*childcare allowance

Imaydestroyyou77 Sun 02-Aug-20 09:58:00

I feel like I’ve let him stay too long now and wonder if we should try counselling? Financially I earn ok money and he had a job but if we both lived apart he would not have enough to pay maintenance to me. It’s so tough to know the right thing to do.

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vikingwife Sun 02-Aug-20 10:05:11

If he has a job can’t the maintainence be garnished from his salary? I’m confused as to why you believe he won’t be able to pay maintainence. Is he self employed & will falsify his earnings?

I’m not really sure how breaking up due to sex worker use & now a sexless relationship will work... it sounds unrealistic.

There will be a reason he has chosen to visit someone you say is old & rough looking. What services does she offer? Maybe he has some older women fetish. Maybe she is transgender & transitioning....

GilbertMarkham Sun 02-Aug-20 10:11:55

A lot of people let someone stay/let the relationship continue because they're so shocked, horrified etc and need quite a bit of time to process things. That's especially the case when you're trying to care for young kids, who are very good at absorbing every bit of attention and energy you have.

People have left cheaters etc long after they've discovered their behaviour, they've taken that length of time to process it, or to realise it wasn't going to work ...nots very understandable. Just because you didn't end the relationship quickly, doesn't mean you have to continue it now, or give it a "chance" or anything. The time it takes for you to process it and get out, is the time it takes.

Personally i don't think counselling works with a lying prostitute user, which is what he was until caught .. and what he may still be under the surface (presuming he truly hasn't repeated it since caught) until he slips back into it, which I feel.is always z possibility.

There are two fundamental issues with him.and his integrity;

He's a cheater, and on a serious partner, with a child.

He's a prostitute user.

I don't think either of those things could be overcome by counselling, and even if they could .. and he never repeated either again; to me it's not something anyone should accept. It's just beyond the pale.

Why should you even be involved in the counselling anyway. You haven't done anything. You just can't get past what you know to have sex with him, which is totally and utterly understandable, and to me you shouldn't try to be getting past it.

You could find a decent relationship with someone who hasn't done this to you.

Imaydestroyyou77 Sun 02-Aug-20 10:12:12

Thanks for your replies.. He doesn’t earn loads and by the time he’s paid rent on a new place he won’t have much left. I don’t think it’s a kink thing or transgender she was just not what you would imagine a bloke would like iykwim ? I just feel now I’ve let too much water under the bridge and he’s/we’ve got comfortable.

Has anyone had counselling for this type of thing and have worked it out?

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Imaydestroyyou77 Sun 02-Aug-20 10:14:06

Thanks you’re right it’s just so much to process it’s beeb hidden under the surface for so long

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GilbertMarkham Sun 02-Aug-20 10:16:56

he had a job but if we both lived apart he would not have enough to pay maintenance to me.

Have you run this through the child maintenance calculator?

If he's got a job, he'll.hsve to pay something - even if it's a low amount.

In any case benefits are set up to take account of the fact that child maintenance may not be paid. Obviously the resident parent would be in a much better position with some child maintenance alongside benefits and whatever they earn but if there is nothing or s low amount you should still be able to get by. Even if you have to drop your working hours in the short term to maximise benefits. Shouldn't be that way but ...

vikingwife Sun 02-Aug-20 10:18:02

You’re wrong. If he doesn’t have enough money for rent he will have to move into a house share. If he is employed with an employer he doesn’t have a choice not to pay child support. It can come straight from his wages.

I’m not sure why you are prioritising where he will live over your own needs. Of course you will get child support ! Otherwise nobody would pay it, they would just say “oh sorry no can do, living expenses are too high”

It doesn’t work like that.

vikingwife Sun 02-Aug-20 10:19:14

If he is a low earner it might be a pittance that he has to pay, but he will have to pay it.

AllsortsofAwkward Sun 02-Aug-20 10:25:13

hes clearly got enough to pay a prostitute op. Leave him claim uc and get maintenance its a bill like everything else.

GilbertMarkham Sun 02-Aug-20 10:27:31

He doesn’t earn loads and by the time he’s paid rent on a new place he won’t have much left.

I'm not trying to be rude but I think you need to totally change your attitude towards this/him.

He has a child, he needs to support that child whether he lives in the same place as them full-time or not. That should be a very high priority.

If he's separated from his child's mother and living separately from the child much of the time - which is entirely due to his own immoral, deeply scummy, degenerate behaviour - he still needs to pay (minimum) what the law says he needs to pay.

He can share a house or flat, that's what people who don't have enough money left over for a place on their own after paying the minimum for their child's care have to do .... End of story.

He was able to find money to pay for prostitutes more than once, I'm sure he can manage to pay some small amount towards his child's accommodation, food, clothing etc.

You need to toughen up bigtime, I'm sorry.

GilbertMarkham Sun 02-Aug-20 10:32:37

In any case, the amount may be quite crappy (you should check using the online calculator, it's quite simple to go through) .. and/or he'll probably offer to have the child overnight at his as much as he can to minimise his payment (which is common behaviour for guys in this position) so you'll have to work out your finances perhaps not taking child maintenance into consideration .. and then anything you get is a small bonus.

Incidentally they often go for 50-50 residence to.mimimise cm payments bit they rarely stick to it, so you have to record it and go through cm to have it adjusted.

GilbertMarkham Sun 02-Aug-20 10:36:42

It’s been so long now my child is really close to him and will devastated

He can have his child half the time at least. They will still see him, spend time with him, as much as they mutually want.

(Note that only overnights count for lowering child maintenance, not that it sounds like you'll get much from him anyway).

GilbertMarkham Sun 02-Aug-20 10:37:38

If he's a great dad (and to be honest the bar for being a great dad is pretty low in our society), he will be a great dad separated too!

Somethingkindaoooo Sun 02-Aug-20 10:37:51

OP
Would you really prioritise his finances over your happiness?

And , you know, it's not really on to say the prostitute was 'old and ugly'. What does that have to do with anything?

Regularsizedrudy Sun 02-Aug-20 10:43:47

I think you need to get real. Your sex life was crap, he used an old ugly sex worker = he obviously has huge sexual issues and perversion. He’s never going to be the normal husband you want. He betrayed you, he’s clearly not attracted to you, he’s using you as a front to convince people he’s a normal person. He’s not. Normal and good men don’t do this. You could have such a better life without him.

Imaydestroyyou77 Sun 02-Aug-20 10:45:03

Ok that was unnecessary @Somethingkindaoooo it was just to show that he wasn’t going after young attractive women.

I don’t know if ill be happy on my own as I said we get on very well and have a laugh and enjoy each others company. He is the father and someone I love despite what he has done. I may be weak for thinking this but that’s how it is... I don’t see things as black and white. I also believe that people do make mistakes and that forgiveness is not always weakness. I’m not saying that’s what I want to do I’m just very confused and wanted some advice.

I appreciate everything you have said @GilbertMarkham and in many ways you are right ...

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Imaydestroyyou77 Sun 02-Aug-20 10:47:25

I’m surprised by the lack of any real empathy here

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MashedSpud Sun 02-Aug-20 10:48:49

He isn’t being honest about what he wants/wanted sexually and chose to pay someone to provide that. He cheated to get his kicks.

In the meantime (three years) you’ve had no sex life and before that he had issues maintaining his erection.

Would he be fine with you paying a male escort? Probably not.

GilbertMarkham Sun 02-Aug-20 10:49:45

I really don’t think he’s doing it any more I think he’s changed ..

I've posted a lot on this thread but just before I stop; there have been s few threads on here about prostitute use, and a couple of sex workers kindly posted their perspective, and they said that in their experience a man who used sex workers was a man who used sex workers for life. The potential was always there. They had list count of the number of times they'd been told by these men it was their last time, only to have them pop up again some time later, whether weeks, months or years. They said these guys even showed them pics of their wives and girlfriends on their phones and plenty of them were extremely attractive women, some even raved about how beautiful/modelly they were.
There are things men like that get from that industry that is not related to how good-looking/pleasant/up for it/loveable/whatever their partners are and imo the likelihood of themmbeung able to be counselled out of it is low.

But even if they could; I don't think any woman should be counselling themself into accepting infidelity, esp repeated infidelity (and the sex worker element just adds another layer of pure shit). You can't accept it because your brain, your instincts know better, they're trying to protect you, they're trying to do right by you.

Imaydestroyyou77 Sun 02-Aug-20 10:51:53

@MashedSpud yes on paper it sounds terrible but apart from the obvious we are quite happy as a family... I think If anything I’m guilty of protecting my child over my happiness... it’s all so overwhelming if I’m honest

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vikingwife Sun 02-Aug-20 10:52:47

Actually come to think of it, with the Erectile dysfunction perhaps attractive women intimidate him & make him nervous.

If you plan on staying then counselling sounds like a good option & you mentioned he is willing.

WB205020 Sun 02-Aug-20 10:53:07

OP, in I'm sorry this happened to you. For most it would be the end of the relationship, no ifs or buts. Having said that it sounds like for the past 3 years nearly you have been together and your OP implies aside from initimacy you get on and have good times as a family.

It could be that you want to forgive him completely and perhaps need some help to get over the intimacy part of your relationship. Counciling can do no harm so I would consider it under the circumstances. It does seems a worth a shot. You have done 3 years since it happened so what is there to lose.

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