Partner used prostitutes

[Imaydestroyyou77]

Hi I am new and have stalked this site over the years about this topic. Sorry this is so long but I need to get off my chest. Nearly 3 yess a go when my baby was about 7 months old I came home and my OH was in a very bad mood he’d had the afternoon off while I was out with baby. He was in such a foul mood when he was bathing the baby I unlocked his phone and checked it something I never usually do. There was a text from him saying I’m outside to a text with an address. There were also some landline numbers he had called. I took down all the numbers and later googled them. The landline number didn’t come up but the mobile came up with a prostitute number calling card she was an older woman very ugly. I was disgusted and very very shocked.

Our sex life’s was never amazing and he had problems keeping an erection but in every other way he is /was a great partner. We had a hard time conceiving which obviously put pressure on our sex life.

That night once baby was in bed I chucked him out and spent the next few days crosschecking his phone bill and bank statements. He’d done it a number of times over the years .... called more than had gone trough with. When I confronted him he lied about the extent but had to own up after I showed him the evidence.

I took him back after 2 weeks and we’ve been living together since. We don’t have sex (we tried once) but get on very well mostly but it’s not the relationship I want. I just can’t bring myself to wanting to have sex with him it makes my skin crawl. I don’t know what to do if we split we’ll both be significantly poorer and right now we don’t have much to spare. We have lovely times as a family and he’s a great dad and he makes me laugh dies housework etc I’m scared of being a single mum and worry as my child is an only. But I know deep down we can’t carry on like this.
Should I try and get us some counselling? He’s suggested it ? I really don’t think he’s doing it any more I think he’s changed but I can’t move on. It’s been so long now my child is really close to him and will devastated - Part of me wishes I kicked him out for good back then and then another part of me is scared of being alone and trying to have another relationship.

Just need some advice really .... this lockdown has given me time to think

[Emmmie]

I could never trust him again. Aren’t you concerned about getting an STD?

[Imaydestroyyou77]

Thanks @WB205020 yes apart from sex and what he did things are good. We are comfortable and mostly happy. I’m goimg to ask him to go to counselling first maybe? He is willing to do whatever he takes

[GilbertMarkham]

I’m surprised by the lack of any real empathy here

Op I can't speak for any other poster, bit all I can say is I fully understand how gutting, devastating, scary etc this must be for you.

But my advice is still.the same, to me what he's done to you is beyond the pale and your relationship (and life with him) will always be tainted by it.

But he is what he is. You know what he is now and you can only play the cards as they're dealt.

I truly believe you can meet someone who had t done this to you (and your child, let's face it he did it to your family) and not have this cloud over you. Ive seen women meet better partners, even if it took a while, my aunt for one (and her ex husband was just a common garden cheater, not a hooker used with weird tastes).

[Imaydestroyyou77]

@vikingwife I’m not THAT attractive just average I guess 😂

[BlueJava]

I read your post and thread and have given myself 15 minutes to think about it - but the response is the same as my first reaction. I don't think I could stay with him if I were you because you'd be consigning yourself to a life of always wondering (where is he? does he really have a flat tyre? is he really having a beer with a friend?) and that is no life to have. Secondly, you deserve a someone you can trust and have sex with and enjoy it. I can quite see why you don't want sex with him.

I realise you are worrying about the finances, but really that could be solved by careful planning and budgeting and ensuring you have good career prospects. You'll never be able to solve the lack of trust and revulsion by what he's done. Good luck OP.

[vikingwife]

I bet you’re lovely & you must have something going for you because you say he is willing to do whatever it takes to stay with you & you’re not even shagging him!

[GilbertMarkham]

we get on very well and have a laugh and enjoy each others company.

Op, there are any number of men out there who you could have that with. And they wouldn't have done what he's done.

Also I agree with the poster who said he's not normal, and in some ways using his wife and family as a front. You need to get past the fact he's familiar, affable, easy to get along with in some ways etc to really see that.

[UseItUp]

Rip off the plaster and do it now while your DC is younger.

I totally get what you’re saying about things not being black and white, there being a lot of good, you guys being a family unit despite the lack of relationship, etc. But you’re operating at the moment with the mindset ‘shall I, shan’t I, I’ll see how things go, there’s always the option to leave, etc.’, and as the years go by you will feel (and therefore be) less and less able to do this. Your lives will continue to entwine, you will feel increasingly tied in and reliant on the set up, you will get older, your confidence in your ability to leave will diminish. You wish now you’d left earlier (and the difficult bit was all safely in the past), and in a few years time you might well look at this time and think of all the wasted years and missed opportunities that passed in the interim. And mostly the years list that could have been spent building a new life. As they say – this time next year you’ll wish you had started today.

By all means try counselling if you want to ensure you’ve exhausted all options before walking away. I would suggest getting individual counselling first and tapping into how you really feel about things and how you might move forwards. Some counsellors/therapists offer concessions based on income if that’s an issue.

Sometimes it’s difficult to see the wood for the trees when you’re in the middle of a situation. Try visualising different outcomes. What’s the best and worst case scenarios down each path? How likely do you think each of those outcomes are? What control or influence could you have over those? If you don’t feel able to leave yet, what steps could you take to feel more independent and in control? Could you set yourself a time frame within which you’d like to see improvement in how things are and at which point you will revisit the decision?

Imagine yourself in 10 or 15 years time in exactly the same situation you are now. What would yourself then tell yourself now?

[Imaydestroyyou77]

@UseItUp thanks that reply is exactly how I feel... I already think I’ve wasted a lot of time and I am getting old (I’m in my 40s). I should’ve made him leave then and then the kid wouldn’t know any different. I’m really struggling with how to go about it all.

[Emeeno1]

It's not wrong to love him despite what he has done. That is exactly why we need love because we ALL do things that hurt others.

What you need to assess is whether this behaviour is intolerable. To some it will be, to others not, only you can answer that.

People can tell you what they would do, and it is helpful to a point, but this is your life and only you can live it.

[GilbertMarkham]

I’m really struggling with how to go about it all.

Maybe get some individual counselling for you if possible.

Work out the financials. You may, which shouldn't be how it is but whatever, be better working less hours in order to get a low enough in one to qualify for UC and get all associated benefits esp 85% of childcare cost.

Go through citizens advice if it's overwhelming trying to find out online. They'll go through it for you.

See a solicitor for advice if you have any joint assets. Some do first session free.

Have you got much family support, can you build up some hobbies, social.stuff to help you?

[GilbertMarkham]

Oh and stop letting the day to day, familiarity etc blind you to his character. What he's done to you is appalling.

[UseItUp]

Imaydestroyyou77

I totally get what you are saying. It’s very easy to diagnose a solution but putting that into motion can feel overwhelming.

40s isn’t old by the way. How old is your DC?

It sounds like you’d like to go but don’t feel able to. What are your worries about leaving?

[Imaydestroyyou77]

@UseItUp my child is almost 4 and will be starting school in September. With regard to us splitting my worries are everything financial, lack of support, single parenting, impact on DC .... everything really

[PicsInRed]

He cheated on you by abusing vulnerable women in exchange for family money.

I don't know how you could ever be attracted to or like him as a person again. I think this is over.

[RLEOM]

He's been doing it for years. He's addicted. He's not going to change. Leave to save your sanity and self esteem.

[lazylinguist]

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a companionable but sexless, non-romantic relationship with a man who betrayed you and paid vulnerable women to use their bodies? What kind of an example of relationships is that going to demonstrate to your child when they are older? Do you not think you deserve better? And don't you think it will be better for your child to have a mother who cares about her own happiness and self-esteem?

[tarasmalatarocks]

You don’t have to hate him to separate and you can remain friendly if you wish to do so and he can cope with that. However I think and I suspect you feel this way too that you are going to find it hard to ever feel quite the same on a romantic/sexual level and if you do care about him still then it’s better he finds someone who can feel that way.

[UseItUp]

Imaydestroyyou77

I personally think 4 is not a terrible age to do this – much better than 6 or 7, and definitely better than 9, 10, etc.

Could you plan a time frame? Get your DC settled in school, work towards being ready to go this time next year? Reach out to family and friends (or look out for new connections, activity groups), research accommodation, finances, support groups (single parent networks, etc.), work towards feeling stronger and in control of the next steps?

How are your work and finances split at the moment? Do you think he would continue to play an active role as a father if you lived apart?

[1Micem0use]

Have you had an STD check OP? Lots of things lie dormant for years without symptoms, like HIV and herpes.
He is not a good man.
I'm a single mother of an only, and my goodness the amount of times women are so scared of living my lovely life that they stay in less than desirable situations!

[1Micem0use]

Also at 4 years old your child is very adaptable

[Diddledilld]

Hi, didn't want to read and run..
I've been in the same situation with my DH. We are still together after 4 years he got caught and we are OK for most part, including sex.
We have 2 dc, and our situation was very difficult financially when I found out. We had no support network whatsoever and I was a shm. Leaving was impossible so we decided to work on it.

Its almost like you only get one type of answer on mumsnet in regards to what to do when a partner cheats. As if there's no other option but to kick them out. Only my DH would be able to tell you what really contributed to him using prostitutes, but he described it as a release from a very stressful period of time. I was unavailable emotionally and physically and he was under a lot of stress from work, me, staff, his own parents, his staff etc.. He had to keep it all together for everyone else but inside he was struggling. He doesn't drink or do drugs or overeat.. This is what he did to cope.
We talked about it a lot and still do. He went out of his way to convince me he was managing his feelings in a healthy way by calling me and talking it through every time he felt the urge to go and do it again. We both had councelling individually and we have talked and talked about it to the point there's nothing new to discover both sides. We have also since changed our lives dramatically and moved to be closer to family and have a better less stressful lifestyle.

I couldn't tell anyone what to do in their individual circumstances, but it's helpful to know that it's not only black and white when it comes to relationships. I do trust him again now and we seem to have reached a better more open way of communicating because of this. No one knows what the future holds but we are in a good place now and we do have an OK sex life too. He has stopped using sex as a coping mechanism which makes the relationship more healthy too. Hope this helps. Ask me anything if you want more peer support xx

[Bananabread8]

I think you both should go to counselling. Your partner did do wrong but you made the choice to stick by him... other than the lack of sex does this not become a problem for him too? I’m not sure you want to leave. Even low earners manage to live alone and pay CM to the mother of their kids. I would do some calculations just for your own peace of mind to see what you would get. Also you probably could apply for UC if you were struggling and decided to leave.

[Imaydestroyyou77]

@Diddledilld thanks for that response and I’m very sorry you went through this too. I’m glad you’ve managed to make it work and have addressed it. We’ve been so busy with work and life that we have kind of buried our heads in the sand a bit. I’ve started to look into counselling and I do want to be able to have a sex life with him but worry that he’s desensitised to ‘normal sex’ and he has had problems maintaining his erection before this.

Other than sex which I guess gets less important with age we are great together. But I do think I’ve reached make or break so something has to give.

I could get into a new relationship and still have trust issues and be cheated on or worse.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply - xx

[Diddledilld]

@Imaydestroyyou77 Councelling is a good idea, I do recommend it. It helped us both. Keep in mind though that councellors are also just people and their advice might be influenced by their own experiences and beliefs. They are supposed to be more of a mirror to bounce your own thoughts against.
I'm late 30s now but I would say don't stay out of comfort. It's best to open up the wounds and then rebuild either together or separately. Burying emotions makes you ill sooner or later.