Partner used prostitutes

[Imaydestroyyou77]

Hi I am new and have stalked this site over the years about this topic. Sorry this is so long but I need to get off my chest. Nearly 3 yess a go when my baby was about 7 months old I came home and my OH was in a very bad mood he’d had the afternoon off while I was out with baby. He was in such a foul mood when he was bathing the baby I unlocked his phone and checked it something I never usually do. There was a text from him saying I’m outside to a text with an address. There were also some landline numbers he had called. I took down all the numbers and later googled them. The landline number didn’t come up but the mobile came up with a prostitute number calling card she was an older woman very ugly. I was disgusted and very very shocked.

Our sex life’s was never amazing and he had problems keeping an erection but in every other way he is /was a great partner. We had a hard time conceiving which obviously put pressure on our sex life.

That night once baby was in bed I chucked him out and spent the next few days crosschecking his phone bill and bank statements. He’d done it a number of times over the years .... called more than had gone trough with. When I confronted him he lied about the extent but had to own up after I showed him the evidence.

I took him back after 2 weeks and we’ve been living together since. We don’t have sex (we tried once) but get on very well mostly but it’s not the relationship I want. I just can’t bring myself to wanting to have sex with him it makes my skin crawl. I don’t know what to do if we split we’ll both be significantly poorer and right now we don’t have much to spare. We have lovely times as a family and he’s a great dad and he makes me laugh dies housework etc I’m scared of being a single mum and worry as my child is an only. But I know deep down we can’t carry on like this.
Should I try and get us some counselling? He’s suggested it ? I really don’t think he’s doing it any more I think he’s changed but I can’t move on. It’s been so long now my child is really close to him and will devastated - Part of me wishes I kicked him out for good back then and then another part of me is scared of being alone and trying to have another relationship.

Just need some advice really .... this lockdown has given me time to think

[Imaydestroyyou77]

Thanks to everyone for replying some great advice and food for thought. It’s been a tough few days will update soon xx

[Diddledilld]

@Sssloou he said I was right.. He can't be 100% sure. We've talked about this a lot as the subject keeps on popping up in films, documentaries etc.. It's uncomfortable, but the only reason we've managed to move forward.
I actually know two women who have voluntarily sold sex for money. One was a fellow student in uni who didn't want to take out a student loan so she funded her degree with sex work and the other one is someone I met recently on a work training course. She's a seemingly normal mother and a wife, but she told me on a night out she gets paid to have sex with her partners approval. So not all sex workers are forced, drugged and trafficked although many are..

[Sssloou]

@Diddledilld He said the women he saw seemed normal, not trafficked, but I also questioned him how would he know for sure.

And his answer was?

[Wondersense]

You need to get a sexual health check quickly, and I don't advise you have sex with him again, for your own health.

[Diddledilld]

@Sssloou I'm not minimising anything. I am a feminist who has previously campaigned to make buying sex illegal. That was before I found myself in this situation.
My DH is not a 'nasty' person and he is not someone who would take pleasure in hurting others. He said the women he saw seemed normal, not trafficked, but I also questioned him how would he know for sure. Whilst not all prostitutes are victims, I know a huge portion is somehow vulnerable and we have talked about it a lot and he definitely has had his eyes opened.

Again, I'm not minimising. It is disgusting. But we have talked about this from so many angles and so many years that I feel we are starting to put it behind us. It so easy to say to someone that they should leave, but you can't really give a blanket advice to everyone without understanding the two people in the relationship. Leaving is not always the only option. Getting over anything as damaging as this is not easy, but seeing our dc enjoy their both parents who live under the same roof getting along OK is worth it for me. It's been a difficult road to get here, but I can honestly say had I divorced when it all happened I would be less happy now. It is important to me to live as a family and support our dc in their growth together with their dad living under the same roof. And we get on ok now and have fun.. Getting to this point would have not been possible though without councelling and years of difficult and honest conversations..

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

Op in the nicest possible way, you are not ready to make any decisions.
You are not going to leave him ( yet ) and you wont go to counselling either, because they are not going to tell you what you want to hear.
No one on here is telling you what you want to hear either.
I'm not putting you down, because it took 3 or 4 attempts to leave my lying ex , mainly for the same reasons as you: small child, financial worries .
One day you will just snap, but please make sure you have support.
My advice is to start opening up to friends and family and having genuine conversations about how they can support you when you do decide to leave. Be that with a place to stay, someone to listen, or any good practical advice they can give you good luck op

[threesecrets]

This really would be too much of a deal breaker to me

[UseItUp]

What is the long term outcome because it might not turn out like you think.

Agree with this. We think we can handle all sorts of things, control a situation, manage our feelings, etc. but when you go down this sort of path where you’re compromising a lot of yourself things can develop in ways you don’t see coming.

[Dullardmullard]

Don’t you think after 3 years of no sex it’s time to call it. a day because now you would like to have sex but he repulses you.

Also if he’s used numerous times but got caught don’t you think he’s hiding it better and still using most do.

How can you laugh with him after knowing he’s see women as a commodity that can be bought regardless of her appearance.

You’ve talked of counselling why didn’t you do so 3 years ago, seriously why now? What is the long term out come because it might not turn out like you think.

[ukgift2016]

Men like this, are usually addicted to having sex with prostitutes. You only have one child with this man, if I was you I get out now.

[SandyY2K]

Can I ask why you want to ask him yo go counselling? What outcome are you hoping for?...because counselling is something an individual should chose for themselves.

They need to identify there is an issue they want to work on. A client who attends because they've been sent by their wife or employer can be challenging to work with, as they haven't come off their own volition and don't have a goal in mind.

Go for yourself...or if you want couples therapy...what outcome are you looking for? You don't want him to touch you... do you want that feeling to change?

[MrJollyLivesNextDoor]

'I could get into a new relationship and still have trust issues and be cheated on or worse'

Yes or you could higher your standards and be with someone who won't treat you like a piece of shit.

I speak from experience - suspicion of prostitutes, 100% certainty of infidelity - I am now with the most amazing person who I know I can believe and trust. Not everyone is a douchebag like your (and my ex) partner

Go find someone who treats you the way you should be treated!

[Porkchops22]

I have been through the same.
It was 3 years ago that he told me. I knew there and then it was over.
Things happened which meant I couldn't kick him out straight away (he had a breakdown and was sectioned).
I took care of him but he was ill for a long time.
He begged for another chance, and because he had told me, rather than me finding out, I decided to try. We had counselling, twice. We had sex a couple of times, but it was awful.
He's now better and he actually came to me and said it's over isn't it?
We had a similar life to you, got on well on the surface. We talked about it a lot.
It never, ever leaves you. You will always look at him differently.
I have treated him terribly at times over the last 3 years. I hate him and I love him, but I will never feel the same about him again.
He's now looking for a flat. I'm sad.
But, I don't want this for my life. Every time I look at him, knowing .
Counselling doesn't work. It doesn't change what he's done and it doesn't change how you feel

[CosSam1]

If you enjoy each other’s company and have a laugh then try counselling or therapy first before doing anything else.

[Sssloou]

Diddledilld - you have minimised massively what your husband did which means your are v deluded and in denial.

He didn’t cheat on you. He is not a cheater.

He fucked vulnerable women who have most likely been trafficked, drugged and raped.

[Diddledilld]

@GilbertMarkham your opinion is completely valid so I'm not interested in challenging it in any way. I too find prostitution wrong on all levels, and had I not found myself in this situation I would have been able to have a very black and white view on it. Still do to some extent.

But staying with a cheating partner doesn't make you naive or weak and leaving one doesn't automatically make you happy. In hindsight I'm glad I didn't storm out in anger and hurt. I'm very well balanced now in myself and feel very independent and strong. I now have a partner who does his share of childcare/housework/finances and we live a better life in general. We enjoy our dc, watch netflix together, occasional date nights, have a laugh etc.. The matter of cheating still comes up every now and then for example in a film or documentary and whilst uncomfortable, we talk about it straight away. There's been tears, anger, hate, disgust.. All of it. In my situation I don't feel duped, naive or stupid. I can honestly say that I'm pleased we stayed married because life right now is good. No one knows about the future, but right now things are settled and good. Those big stressors we had at the time it all happened have been dealt with and we've changed our lives dramatically for the better. Men are also human beings and not all the same. You can't tarr them all with the same brush. Being humane doesn't make you stupid and empathy is not only reserved for women only.

[GilbertMarkham]

*normalise it for another victim

[GilbertMarkham]

you sound very offended by my experience. Why?

Not remotely offended.

I merely find all the excuses trotted out to be ludicrous, (and your acceptance of blame to some extent) really sad. It's extremely frustrating to see. (And no, I have not to my knowledge been cheated on with a non sex worker, let alone a prostitute).

Every excuse/minimisation/"rationalisation" in your post was a hackneyed, clichéd line in the cheater's script and yet you consider them valid. I don't know whether it's naivety or self delusion, but I'm shuddering to see such a perspective given to the op. It just seems like yours watching a victim of abuse (and cheating is a form of abuse, as is use of the sex industry) normalise it and prevent them from escaping.

[Requinblanc]

After reading your post I felt a bit sad for both of you really.

It sounds like you work well together as parents and as friends but not as lovers as you never had a good sex life to start with.

Who knows why he is seeing prostitutes. Sometimes it is not about how attractive and young they are, it is about the guy wanting to fulfil a fetish, to avoid feeling 'judged' or simply trying to get over some 'issue'. It can be more complicated than just wanting to cheat.

If I were you I would accept that for both your sake, you should end the relationship but agree to continue to be good parents to your child. It will give you both a chance to find someone who is compatible in all aspects of the relationship.

Financially you would be able to get help with benefits to complement anything that he pays you.

Sometimes the best think you can do is accept that something is not working not matter how much you love the other person because deep down you know you are simply not compatible.

[Diddledilld]

@GilbertMarkham you sound very offended by my experience. Why? Have you been hurt by someone in this way before? Everyone makes their own choices when faced with life's crap. Every situation is different. If she stays she shouldn't feel like she's somehow weak for doing so and if she goes it has to be 100% a decision she's happy with. Divorce doesn't always make you happier. But burying your true feelings makes you ill. It's all about being true to yourself and what you want out of life.

My own situation now is OK. I'm not bitter. I've dealt with everything head on and we're happier as a result. We now live near my family and Im working again thus more independent, so leaving now would be very easy. But we're actually fine so there's no need to.. But if he was to cheat again I wouldn't hesitate to separate and we have both aknowledged that things would be beyond repair if we found ourselves in that situation again.

[GilbertMarkham]

And fwiw there's only two real reasons they do it; because they feel entitled to it, and because they get off on it.

The prostitutes themselves say a punter is a punter for life, just a matter of time.

There's a set of values behind the decision to turn sex into a transaction, pay to use someone's body, pay ti perform sexual acts on someone and have them.perform them on you, and a line to be crossed when to set it up and go through with it. Takes a particular type of person.

[GilbertMarkham]

Sorry but you were fed and swallowed every line in the book re your husband's decisions to seek out and have sex with other women, working as sex workers .. and are just going to encourage op to be further trapped in a similar fucked up situation to you.

Except they don't even have a sex life and he's always suffered from erectile dysfunction - probably because regular sex with a regular woman doesn't do it for him .... But by all means ignore that part too.

[GilbertMarkham]

He doesn't drink or do drugs or overeat.. This is what he did to cope.

Oh he used the addiction/compulsion/stress line too; it's like playing cheater/prostitute user bingo.

Well he doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs so what could he do ... an yes, look up prostitutes, set up meetings, follow through and stick his dick in them repeatedly behind his wife's back. Sure what other way is there of handing stress? It's perfectly normal to use sex workers (including while married with children), not degenerate or extreme or a line some people wouldn't cross at all.

[GilbertMarkham]

I was unavailable emotionally

That's the oldest, most manipulate, bland shifting, self serving line in the book .. it's older than the pyramids.

I bet you weren't and even if you were, decent people would complain, raise it, set ultimatums, leave if nothing changes etc .. not cheat, let alone with prostitutes.

[GilbertMarkham]

We have 2 dc, and our situation was very difficult financially when I found out. We had no support network whatsoever and I was a shm. Leaving was impossible so we decided to work on it.

Women in any and every circumstances have left, it was not impossible. We live in a welfare state. Lots of single mothers have no family support, many have no support at even from their ex which doesn't sound like the case in your circumstances.