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Need to leave my boyfriend - how?

(193 Posts)
MiamiBeach104 Sun 20-Oct-19 08:22:19

I've been struggling with this for a year now. Actively thinking last few months..

I'm with my partner for nearly 5 years. No kids, mortgage and I am financially independent from him. There are a number of very strong reasons why I should leave him: unfaithful with prostitutes, drinking too much, can be emotionally abusive, not wanting kids. Even all that sounds pretty horrible he can be very nice and loving when things are good.

Where I find myself now is that I really need to end this relationship. However, I don't know how. I tried having a conversation with him a week ago now. He started being very emotional and I ended up promising we can work on this. I don't know if he simply emotionally bullies me into things. (He's currently not employed, by his own choice wanting to concentrate on his mental health, so having me contributing to bills is very much convenient)

I'm partially thinking I need to wait till after Christmas so he doesn't need to spend Christmas on his own. (He's distanced himself from his family but has few friends, not many.)

The bottom line is, I don't need to wait for Christmas as it just prolongs the inevitable. However, how do I make it happen? I don't want to chicken out and get into giving yet it yet another go again? How do I stop myself from feeling guilty about it?

I'm thinking during the next week start doing little preparation by collecting my crucial documents, preparing a bag (not packing up yet but putting things together) so that it can get me though the working week and spend this time at friend's place. And simply start from there.

Has anyone been in similar situation? How to get rid of the guilt? (I think pretty much all the time in a relationship i concentrated on how he feels compared to me so partially that's where the guilt is coming from) How to ensure I actually do it? And not give in to his emotional abuse that I'm pretty sure will start immediately?

MsFrosty Sun 20-Oct-19 08:24:00

Who's name is on the mortgage?

MiamiBeach104 Sun 20-Oct-19 08:25:32

His name only. It's his mortgage

Underyoursky Sun 20-Oct-19 08:26:13

You need to be determined if you want to end it. I wouldn’t do it gradually or wait till after Christmas. Unless you are in any danger, bite the bullet, tell him and stick to your guns. Tell him it’s over like a broken record.

It helps to have some kind of plan eg are you moving out?

MsFrosty Sun 20-Oct-19 08:28:40

If you have no financial ties then just pack up everything and go. Dont do anything gradual, he will notice. Source somewhere to stay and go. Tell him it's over and then block

Mumdiva99 Sun 20-Oct-19 08:32:09

Be reasonable, give him notice...."i am leaving you. I am giving you a months notice (or however long you think is fair) and the last payment I will make is on X day." Then you can make all your preparations. Be unemotional. Explain - we already talked about this but it isn't working for me. Maybe you can stay with a friend for a bit.

Does he have 2 bedrooms? If so he can get a lodger to help with bills ....if not he can either apply for benefits or rent the whole flat and stay elsewhere. But it's not your responsibility to sort out.

My only slight caveat is if you told him to give up work to sort his MH out and are now abandoning him then maybe you do have a little more financial responsibility. Just morally not legally. If leaving work was his choice then that's not your concern.

Greenkit Sun 20-Oct-19 08:33:52

Pack and go
Don't listen to his 'reasoning, begging or promising to change'

Good luck

ScabbyBabby Sun 20-Oct-19 08:36:08

Life is too short, take what you need and go. Leave him a note wishing him well but ultimately he is not your responsibility and it doesn’t sound like he has been kind to you.

Conniedescending Sun 20-Oct-19 08:37:51

Wow life is too short to stay with him a minute longer! What on earth have you got to feel guilty about given how you've described his behaviour. Why are you worried about him when he has no respect for you?

If you have somewhere to go leave today. If not then tell him it's over and be gone next weekend.

JustHereWithPopcorn Sun 20-Oct-19 08:37:55

Pack and go, he hasn't listened to you trying to talk to him before so I wouldn't bother trying that again. Leave a note and block and don't look back.

BillywilliamV Sun 20-Oct-19 08:39:53

There must be 50 ways to leave your lover.,

areyouafraidofthedark Sun 20-Oct-19 08:40:16

I agree with PP. Book a day off work and when he's at work pack everything up and leave. Do you have somewhere you can go to?

LongtimeLurker29 Sun 20-Oct-19 08:42:41

Start by packing a bag and leaving. Then block him on your phone and social media. If he can't contact you, then he can't emotionally manipulate you. Good luck!

Better to do it now than prolong the inevitable x

Perunatop Sun 20-Oct-19 08:46:28

Just make the decision and stick to it. Tell him you are going on eg Friday and move out over the weekend. Don't wait until after Christmas, just leave asap, he has two months before Christmas to sort himself out.

PlasticPatty Sun 20-Oct-19 08:46:36

Absolutely, pack everything, go. Shake the dust off your feet as you leave. Block him on everything.

What he does for Christmas is not your problem. No longer your circus, no longer your monkey.

ChasingRainbows19 Sun 20-Oct-19 08:47:36

Get everything in order, make arrangements and go. Don't give him loads of notice that could be a disaster anything could happen with both of you living in the house. He is aware how unhappy you are so it won't be a complete shock. You've tried hard by the sounds of it but life is too short to be miserable.

MarianaMoatedGrange Sun 20-Oct-19 08:48:23

He'll have to use the money he was spending on sex workers and alcohol to pay his bills.

You are not responsible for him.

CallmeAngelina Sun 20-Oct-19 08:49:34

I would say that any responsibility you had toward him ended the first time he went out and paid for a prostitute. Not to mention the emotional abuse.
You get yourself prepared, line up somewhere else to go, and then tell him, "I'm sorry but this isn't working for me anymore and I'm leaving." And then go. Do not enter into any post-mortems about any of it. Grey rock. "I don't want this relationship any more." Rinse and repeat.
Let's face it, that's more than he would do for you and more than most of the shits we read about on here seem to do when they walk out on their wives and children!

Starlight456 Sun 20-Oct-19 08:53:21

Just plan where to go . Get what’s yours store it.

You don’t need to give notice you can go today assuming you have somewhere to go.

His mortgage is not your problem.

It’s time to start making you happy.

GuessWhoColeen Sun 20-Oct-19 08:53:56

Oh god, I started to read this thinking you wanted to leave because you wanted to leave.

Which is great as you can do what you want and should always be happy.

Then I read about his behaviour.

Jees just go.

Embracelife Sun 20-Oct-19 08:54:08

No do not give him notice.
You have to pack and leave it is his mortgage.
Just go.
Leave a note. Cut contact. It is not your job to be with him at xmas.

He will cry and needle but dont listen

He uznt fir you unless you want to share him with prostitutes and you dont want kids.

Of course he is nice sometimes. That keeps you there.
It s a script of a bully and abuser.
Pack up and leave next week. And if he threatens suicide call 999 send police and paramedics because suicide needs professional help.
Dont drag it out.
He and you can have a new life for xmas

biggirlknickers Sun 20-Oct-19 08:55:10

Please remember that all abusive bullies are nice some of the time. It’s how they make their partners stay with them.

Also remember that he is NOT your responsibility. It isn’t your job to make him happy (even if you weren’t leaving him it wouldn’t be your job - in a free society each of us are responsible for our own happiness) or to keep him company at Christmas.

Ask yourself if he would have ever given you the same consideration if the situation was reversed?

Embracelife Sun 20-Oct-19 08:56:03

These men get angry and violent when you leave.
Dont tell him
Dont give notice. Have a friend with you.
You presumably have indicated your unhappiness already. He knows it.

C0untDucku1a Sun 20-Oct-19 09:00:06

Just pack and go when he is out. Start moving stuff out somewhere safe.

madcatladyforever Sun 20-Oct-19 09:02:53

You need a reality check.

He's unfatihful with prostitutes.
Drinks too much.
Emotionally abusive.
Cocklodger, unemployed and happy to let you pay.
Will happily deprive you of your chance to be a mother forever.
Can be nice and loving sometimes when he thinks he has gone too far and you might leave especially as you pay the bills.

And YOU feel guilty.

My dear, he doesn't give a damn about you, he is using you as a convenience. Leave without a second thought. He won't even remember your name a year down the line because there will be someone else in there doing what you do.

And get some counselling for your very very low self esteem.

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