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Relationships

Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

362 replies

thisisnotanappy · 02/10/2019 07:06

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

OP posts:
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Chilledout11 · 02/10/2019 07:11

Oh that is so awful. Very hard situation. Do you think someone found out at work and now he fears getting into trouble? Flowers

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TooTrueToBeGood · 02/10/2019 07:21

Is he senior to you? If so, it's possible he's been given a talking to about inappropriate workplace relationships.

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Walkacrossthesand · 02/10/2019 07:21

I'm struggling to follow the timings in your OP - he told you to get on with your work late at night when he wanted to go to bed, was that referring to generally ie what to do in the office the next day?
You mention him being your senior and you doing what he says, is it possible that the relationship only worked because it was on his terms; is he in a huff because you had dinner with a family member?
I fear none of this sounds particularly good; please don't tie yourself in knots trying to work out 'what you did' when this sounds like him, and not good news. Maybe retreat into yourself, calm and professional at work, try and piece things together inwardly and privately, don't pester/beg/plead. The picture will emerge. Sympathies - so hard.

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SunsetYorks · 02/10/2019 07:23

If it was me I would say I’m sorry but unless you give me an explanation I’m not coming into work as you feel ill & sick. He can’t treat you like this it’s cruel.

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itsboiledeggsagain · 02/10/2019 07:24

I think you just go into work and see how the land lies

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Backtoschooool · 02/10/2019 07:24

The least he could do is tell you what the problem is. Could it be something to do with you going out?

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TooTrueToBeGood · 02/10/2019 07:24

Just reread your OP and see that he is senior to you. That's your answer right there. He's been pulled up by someone and quite right too.

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TinDogTavern · 02/10/2019 07:25

I'm so sorry. This must be very hard for you, and he doesn't sound nice at all.

Head high today, completely professional, you can do this.

Also, and sorry to be a little blunt, if you've been having a relationship with a colleague for nine months and the boundaries have been occasionally 'foggy' then believe me work KNOWS. Everyone knows. Anyone who's worked in an office where this has happened will tell you they knew. No matter how discreet the parties think they're being it's always visible from space.

So there's quite a high possibility someone has said something directly to him and it's rattled him somewhat.

I hope you get some sense out of him. Thanks

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msmith501 · 02/10/2019 07:36

Even if he has been given a warning or similar about inappropriate relationships at work (especially as he is in a position to influence your career one way or the other and isn't impartial enough), he should be mature enough to offer you a full and clear explanation so that you can understand what's happened. Going cold on you is not acceptable and he needs to be told that.

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thesunwillout · 02/10/2019 07:39

My first reaction is that the text was sent in a group chat, or it somehow was read by someone in work?

Or he's got someone else on the go/is not single and they read the text.

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NameChangeNugget · 02/10/2019 07:41

Someone has given him a talking to, by the sound of it.

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Raphael34 · 02/10/2019 07:42

It sounds like someone’s found out and he’s in trouble. This is why you don’t shit where you eat

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prawneater · 02/10/2019 07:45

Sounds like he's met someone else and he's about to rewrite history.

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MarthasGinYard · 02/10/2019 07:51

'My first reaction is that the text was sent in a group chat, or it somehow was read by someone in work?'

Agree

As if someone else was reading it.

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Scarlettmaid · 02/10/2019 07:54

What PP said. He has very likely been reprimanded over your relationship, in which case he should just tell you. Instead he is going all cold and insensitive.
It's a horrible way to treat you.
Hope all goes well at work, it sounds like your team is indeed busy, with you replying to a thread after dinner and him being in the office late.

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Rachelover60 · 02/10/2019 07:54

I am so very sorry, that is hurtful.

Nothing you can do except put on a brave face and carry on in public as though you've never had an intimate relationship. Not easy I know.

In your shoes I'd look for another job, that in itself would give you something else to think about and, let's face it, there's no good reason for seeing him regularly now.

I do feel your pain. Yours is not an unusual situation but that doesn't make it less awful for you.

Onwards and upwards Flowers Wine

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itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/10/2019 07:56

Sounds like he's married

Most workplaces aren't against inter office relationships as long as they are managed well and don't impact work

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Cuttingthegrass · 02/10/2019 08:04

I think he’s been reprimanded and the terseness of his responses is because he too is upset and dealing with his emotions. It’s certainly unfair for you and he should have had the decency to be honest with you.

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Lexplorer · 02/10/2019 08:08

Go into work and treat him as you would any colleague. Was there any need to ask him why he didn't want to spend the night with you? Could you have just said see you tomorrow then? He has either been warned off/married/in bed with someone else in which case carry on without him with your head held high. If he doesn't seek you out today with the explanation you deserve then you know he's not worth any more of your attention. Don't let him totally off the hook though by resigning or moping, he's not worth it.

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Windygate · 02/10/2019 08:10

Sorry but I agree with a lot of the above. He's been taken to task over your office romance. Go to work with your head held high and be very professional. Start looking for a new job both for your own sake and because he'll let you take the blame. Was he single?

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Butterymuffin · 02/10/2019 08:11

He's been shit about this but you need to pick yourself up and be cool for work. Treat him like any other colleague. It's over now I'm afraid.

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FuriousVexation · 02/10/2019 08:15

Most workplaces aren't against inter office relationships as long as they are managed well and don't impact work

I disagree. Massively. The vast majority of workplace relationships that I've had to deal with have caused major friction. Most SMEs that I've worked in have stated that romantic relationships need to be reported to your line manager and if you work in the same dept then one person will be reassigned elsewhere.

Having a relationship with one of your direct reports would be an absolute no-no. It leaves the company wide open to tribunal claims.

Given this all happened after you replying to a public workplace thread (I assume some sort of workplace social media or Whatsapp group on company phones) it sounds to me like someone has pulled him up and given him a bucket of cold water about the situation.

If you're meant to be together, then one of you will leave the company and you'll pursue the relationship separately. This is how a couple of my friends met - he was her supervisor, it caused a ruckus at work due to other team members going "oooh favouritism", so she left and they have now been happily married with DC for 10years :)

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lottelupin · 02/10/2019 08:15

I think by repeating the same phrase it sounds like something has gone wrong - sounds like he's found out his job might be in jeopardy. He doesn't know how to deal so is just switching off.

I'd much steer all your courage and faith, and go into work and be as he asked - pleasant and distant. See what happens.

It's either:
Work or a colleague found out and warned him
Or
He has a wife or partner and they found out
Or
He has someone else
Or
He's suddenly gone off you (he might not be able to cope with you going out? Might have had a fit of jealousy?).

The only other thing that causes this sudden shut down is if he's seen or heard or read something of yours (message, social media) which out of context has made him think he can't trust you/you're messing with him. And or someone texted him maliciously about you.

The behaviour fits best with the last reason, but I also think the first reason might be in play here (his job at risk).

But if it was the first, he'd explain to you.

He sounds like he suddenly doesn't trust you. Think about where this could have come from.

Maybe it's a combo of first and last. Maybe somebody texted him about you, and that they know about you two.

Either way you won't find out unless you go along with him for now and hope in a bit of time he'll tell you what's going on.

Be brave. Go in. Take a deep breath.

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lottelupin · 02/10/2019 08:17

Muster your courage!

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SherbetSaucer · 02/10/2019 08:20

Are you aware of the phrase ‘don’t shit where you eat’? What possessed you to have a relationship with someone you not only work with but work with closely????

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