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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH gets very angry. Looking for advice.

147 replies

Shouldbestrongerthanthis · 12/08/2019 20:30

Regular but NC for this one as I think DH knows my username.

I'm in a bit of a mess, and increasingly upset re DH's anger. We've been together 15 years, married for eight of those.

He's always had angry tendencies, but they've become worse in recent years and I don't know how to cope with it. Now it's got to the point where he's regularly blazing at me in front of the children and I need some practical advice in how to tackle it.

Years ago, when he got in one of his rages, it would upset me. I'd cry and beg his forgiveness. He could hold a grudge for days, and it would be like walking on eggshells til he deigned to be kind again. Now, I'm not so soft. I tend to tell him he needs to calm down, and calmly walk away, but I feel shit inside. I'm also worried about the kids hearing their dad speak to me the way he does. He doesn't swear, much, but he calls me an "absolute idiot", a "moron", "idiotic", "stupid"...all that stuff. Says its my fault for driving him to it.

On holiday a couple of weeks ago, I slmost took the kids and drove home because it was so bad. I remembered that last year's holiday had been the same, and it made me so sad.

I love him. We have so much in common. He's a great dad. But he often treats me appallingly.

Tonight, the rage (full blown shouting, in a shop, in front of the kids, followed by 2 hrs of silent treatment) was brought on because I took us to collect an order from a shop but it wasn't ready. I'd been told it was, but he was furious with me for not double checking. When I told him not to be so angry and it wasn't such a big deal, he shouted that it was all my fault, I was turning it on him, etc etc.

Other recent examples of his full-blown rages include an occasion when we were playing sport together and I asked the time. That caused him to scream that I wasn't taking it seriously, and to end the session.

On holiday, DS (6) had an accident. He was ok, just cuts and bruises. DH screamed at me "this is all on you" - said I hadn't been watching him properly, didn't care for the kids, was a bad mum.

On another occasion recently he didn't speak to me for a full say because I was 10 minutes late home.

There are numerous examples. Every conversation is the same though. He rants, he raves, over minor things, but tells me it's all my fault for driving him to it.
I want things to get better, but I don't know how.

OP posts:
AloneLonelyLoner · 13/08/2019 18:01

Oh god I want to grab you and your kids, put you in a van and drive you away from there.

What a shitty abusive husband and father.

He doesn't love you. He hates you. He's a disgusting abuser.

I'm horrified.

Please please keep strong.
You have one life. Your kids have one life. Don't spend another moment in indecision. You deserve more.

justthecat · 13/08/2019 18:19

Take charge, make your dc and your life happy and seperate.
Do you really think he’ll ever change?

Frizzbeol · 13/08/2019 19:14

You will realise when you get that distance from him that in his eyes you are not a real person. You are there to facilitate him, nothing more. You could be anyone. That is why he rages at you without caring in the slightest the effect it has on you or the kids. His life is not going perfectly, therefore you are at fault. This is how they think - they are the most important person and as a woman, your job is to prop up their life. You are not an actual real life individual who has feelings. When (Not if) you leave, it will hit you how badly you have been used and how much of your life has been taken from you. You can't get it back op and you will mourn the life you could have had if you only got out sooner. It is an incredible sadness to carry with you.

Neverbroken · 13/08/2019 19:34

Quora is a very good place to not only research but have your questions answered about narcissism

EllenRipley · 13/08/2019 19:52

Oh OP ☹️ You've tried to talk to him about it, and received more abuse. He really isn't going to change - I can only imagine it's going to get worse, especially now you're trying to stand up for yourself.

I know it's very daunting. But you're in a good position because you're not reliant on him financially. Lots of great advice here, please take the time you need to absorb it all, and then start making some healthy decisions for you and your kids. Thanks

Charley50 · 13/08/2019 20:18

Sorry I've mainly only read your posts. I grew up with a dad similar to this. It was awful for me, my mum and my siblings, and the emotional effects last a lifetime.
My brother (mid 50s) has recently started behaving like my dad. Shouting very aggressively and uncontrollably, at little or no provocation, then blaming me (or whoever) for it. It was frightening as a child and it's still frightening as an adult.

My only advice is to find a way to get him to leave, while staying safe yourself, e.g. getting family members or police on side and aware of the situation before you take any action.

Techway · 13/08/2019 20:41

Op, I am so sorry you are going through this. You haven't caused his behaviour as if reaction is not "normal" although fairly common in weak but abusive men.

It is important to get away as often this level of abuse will have an impact on your health and your children need you to be well.

There is a very good book, written by the adult son of a man similar to your husband it is called Operation Lighthouse, Luke Hart. It is such a sad story with a tragic ending but it illuminates how normalised the family had become to their fathers abuse. It also explains the entitled thinking that caused his behaviour. "Why does he do that", by Lundy also explains the thinking.

When you know this then you will understand why counselling isn't recommended.

I wish you all the best, take steps to get put and get advice from Womens aid so you can leave safely.

BarbedBloom · 13/08/2019 21:28

I grew up in this household and I will never forgive my mother for staying. I have never said this to her as unfortunately i personally understand how hard it is to leave an abusive situation.

Unfortunately that is the cycle of abuse, people who grow up in abusive households can grow on to be abused themselves or to abuse others. The first time round i basically married my father, another angry abusive man because I had no idea silent treatment and rages weren't normal.

This has to be managed very carefully. Firstly, counselling is a no no. He won't change. Unless he is screaming at people in the street for minor issues it isn't an anger problem, it is an abusive twat problem. Personally I would give woman's aid a call and ask for their advice on how to manage this properly. Because he doesn't work, can he argue he looks after the children? The home is the marital home and whoever's name is on the deeds, it is a mutual asset. You may have to report the abuse to get him out, but woman's aid can advise better than me.

You deserve better. You did not cause it and you can't change him but you can protect your children. All I wanted was a safe space for some of the time.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 13/08/2019 21:38

I was also in a relationship like this.

I stuck with it for too many years.

Result: ex in fact did change after much much much intervention on my part.

However... in the meantime, all the love I had eroded away, and my kids were inadequately parented. Dd is generally fine but youger DS, who saw the worst period of poor treatment, has anxiety/ ocd type issues. I'm sure this is no coincidence.

Neverbroken · 13/08/2019 21:52

@youwantshoesinashoeshop what type of intervention?

BensonStabler · 13/08/2019 22:07

If you have time, read the recent thread in Relationships section titled:
I married a narcissist and now divorcing one!

Minta85 · 13/08/2019 22:44

OP if you are the sole earner then I wonder if he feels emasculated by this, and his aggression is an expression of his resentment towards you/his situation. Even if so, no one should treat you the way he is.

browneyes77 · 13/08/2019 23:09

OP if you are the sole earner then I wonder if he feels emasculated by this, and his aggression is an expression of his resentment towards you/his situation. Even if so, no one should treat you the way he is.

This crossed my mind too.

Gorrisandhorace · 13/08/2019 23:17

What is the female version of emasculated?
Cos I certainly felt it raising my children and spending day after day covered in vomit and baby poo, not having a second to even finish a sentence. I wanted to be doing all those ‘feminine things’ like oh I don’t know, floating around in pink dresses and heels with pretty ribbons in my hair. But I never needed to abuse anybody.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/08/2019 23:22

It's great that you are the sole earner but get legal advice and document his abusive behaviour so that his access to the DC can be restricted rather than him claiming he's the main carer. Get everything in place and then tell him (preferably with someone else present) to pack and get out. If he won't go willingly, he can be legally removed and prevented from returning.

cauliflowersqueeze · 13/08/2019 23:35

Are you OK OP?

tararabumdeay · 13/08/2019 23:42

I too am the single earner.

The best thing I did was decide to stop caring - just like he never did.
Ok, I'm human. Will make sure he's got food and a bed.

We've got nothing because of his entitlement and lack of work. We'll be reliant on the state when I stop work at 68. That's 17 more years of responsibility.

I dunno - if mumsnet was there the first time he left me for asking about the future things may have been different.

So many stories...

MissBehaves · 14/08/2019 01:05

You sound like a successful woman. It’s not failing to walk away from a relationship in which you are being abused, it’s winning. You can’t win staying in that situation.

Get rid of the abusive deadweight.

Good luck OP. Be strong. Time to take control. Flowers Wine

Original poster
Shouldbestrongerthanthis · 14/08/2019 07:24

Thanks, all. I'm ok. Things are difficult.

He definitely feels frustrated and emasculated by the fact that I'm the sole earner.
He's tried applying for numerous jobs and hasn't got anywhere, as usually told he's overqualified but lacking in experience. Is doing all he needs to do as regards gaining extra on-the-job training and work experience, but no luck thus far.
Hence he's unhappy in itself and takes it out on me.

I've told him his behaviour needs to change, or he's out. I'm not sure he thought I was serious, but have made it clear I am. Now I need to find the conviction to follow through.

I'm desperately sad.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 14/08/2019 07:32

You can't live the rest of your life hoping he's happy because when he's unhappy he takes it out on you.

To find the conviction to follow through, you need a good solid plan of exactly what follow through would look like, including what pulls the trigger on it. Hopefully you will never have to go down that path as he sorts himself out.

What would your plan be?

candycane222 · 14/08/2019 07:39

Best of luck OP.

Yes his situation is probably frustrating. No it is not the tiniest teeniest weeniest excuse to take it out on you. Very sad, but entirely because of him.

Start to make detailed plans in your head for how you will proceed, for if (when?) it starts again, so you don't hesitate . Start to get yourself used to the idea.

ColdAndSad · 14/08/2019 07:53

He could choose to be grateful for your love and support, to recognise how much you're doing, and do all he can to make you feel loved, cherished and appreciated. Instead he is choosing to be unhappy and choosing to take it out on you.

You would be so much better off without him.

MoviesT · 14/08/2019 07:57

OP a few years ago I was in very similar circumstances with someone who would have explosive rage over small incidentss (no sulking though and afterwards would admit it was disproportionate), when I got to the point you did where I was ready to walk away he finally sought help. He is now on anti depressants and very apologetic for his former behaviour. He is able to analyse the difference and says that before, he had a knot of anxiety in his chest that never went. He is now very kind and loving and supportive. It did a lot of damage to our relationship and despite years of calm I am not sure I will regain 100% trust. I look for the signs and if it kicked off again I would be gone. I am on the fence about whether I should have called it a day back then. I look back and I think why didn’t I just walk away when it was bad, I was crazy to put up with it.

My advice to you would be work out how to separate now. Ideally write a list of reasons he has kicked off at you and record a few of his outbursts on your phone if you get a chance, they will be good for a playback when you or others doubt your decision. When you are no longer subjected to this behaviour you will realise just how very unacceptable it is and how wrong it is for your children to witness it,

Fleetheart · 14/08/2019 07:59

You are right to give him a warning. His behaviour is unacceptable however sad he is feeling. You can’t change his behaviour, but you can tell him very legitimately what you will not accept in your life. That is fair isn’t it?

browneyes77 · 14/08/2019 08:07

@Gorrisandhorace Nobody is suggesting him feeling emasculated is some kind of excuse for his behaviour.

But if he’s built up some kind of resentment towards the OP it could form part of narcissistic (abusive) behaviour. The need to put someone else down to make oneself feel better. To berate someone to a point where you weaken them and damage their confidence so you look like the strong one in the relationship and they look like the unstable one. Projecting what you see as your own failings onto your partner so you don’t have to deal with/ admit to them and so your partner thinks they are the one with the problems.

Whatever the reasons behind his abuse, there is no excuse for abuse.