DH gets very angry. Looking for advice.

[Shouldbestrongerthanthis]

Regular but NC for this one as I think DH knows my username.

I'm in a bit of a mess, and increasingly upset re DH's anger. We've been together 15 years, married for eight of those.

He's always had angry tendencies, but they've become worse in recent years and I don't know how to cope with it. Now it's got to the point where he's regularly blazing at me in front of the children and I need some practical advice in how to tackle it.

Years ago, when he got in one of his rages, it would upset me. I'd cry and beg his forgiveness. He could hold a grudge for days, and it would be like walking on eggshells til he deigned to be kind again. Now, I'm not so soft. I tend to tell him he needs to calm down, and calmly walk away, but I feel shit inside. I'm also worried about the kids hearing their dad speak to me the way he does. He doesn't swear, much, but he calls me an "absolute idiot", a "moron", "idiotic", "stupid"...all that stuff. Says its my fault for driving him to it.

On holiday a couple of weeks ago, I slmost took the kids and drove home because it was so bad. I remembered that last year's holiday had been the same, and it made me so sad.

I love him. We have so much in common. He's a great dad. But he often treats me appallingly.

Tonight, the rage (full blown shouting, in a shop, in front of the kids, followed by 2 hrs of silent treatment) was brought on because I took us to collect an order from a shop but it wasn't ready. I'd been told it was, but he was furious with me for not double checking. When I told him not to be so angry and it wasn't such a big deal, he shouted that it was all my fault, I was turning it on him, etc etc.

Other recent examples of his full-blown rages include an occasion when we were playing sport together and I asked the time. That caused him to scream that I wasn't taking it seriously, and to end the session.

On holiday, DS (6) had an accident. He was ok, just cuts and bruises. DH screamed at me "this is all on you" - said I hadn't been watching him properly, didn't care for the kids, was a bad mum.

On another occasion recently he didn't speak to me for a full say because I was 10 minutes late home.

There are numerous examples. Every conversation is the same though. He rants, he raves, over minor things, but tells me it's all my fault for driving him to it.
I want things to get better, but I don't know how.

You poor love OP. He sound absolutely horrible and what sort of example is he setting his children!

Just add to my point - I asked my ex to leave when my son is was 9. Hes just turned 13 and he is scared of leavong the house most days. I have been through hell this year trying to get him into school. But that's nothing to watching someone I love so much, someone who I thought I was protecting so unhappy. I know as well the exact incident that caused his childhood sense of being safe and protected shatter into a thousand pieces. And it still took me 4 more years to end it. That's on me. Get yourself and them away from him and have a better life. You won't understand how much better it will be until you do get away. But please believe me, life will be a picnic in comparison.

This is not a good dad at all.
Children learn from the examples they are shown, if you stay you will show your boy that this is an acceptable way to speak to a woman. It’s so bloody unfair but you have to show him it isn’t. Believe me, there is no way he will grow up and be a good partner just because you are a decent person, it can’t all be from one side and the other side is an abusive twat but he won’t see that. At 6 you have a chance to show your son a good life and be his role model. I honestly wish you well.

You are a victim of Domestic Violence. Verbal abuse, name-calling, shouting, it is actually considered Domestic Violence.

Your children are also victims of this Domestic Violence. I'd ask him to leave, or get I'd get out with the children. He does not love you. He hates you. You are his verbal and emotional punching bag for something inside of him is so broken. Every day you stay with him, is another day your children grow up in a loud and verbally violent home. You need to get out now, or get him out. You could try counselling and ask him to get help, and give him a week to decide on that and at the end of the week if he hasn't made arrangements for help, tell him you want him out. Also tell him if he ever so much as calls you stupid or verbally abuses you again, it's over. This either needs to be stopped, or the marriage needs to be stopped. For the sake of your children, if for no one or nothing else. They are children growing up in an abusive situation, a home of Domestic Violence, they are seeing their mother belittled and spoken to like a bit of shit. This WILL scar them for life. You may love him, but he most certainly does not love you. He hates you. He resents you, that much is for certain. And he does not love his own children as if he did, he would not treat their mother like she is just a bit of shit. Ultimatum time. Act now. Please don't subject your innocent children to another day of this.

If you feel like he won't listen to you if you ask him to leave, do you have a father, brother or someone that can be present with you when you confront him? Or call the police?

He's not a great dad.

He's not even a satisfactory one.

When I moved in with my DSs dad I thought the sun shone out of his arse. Disabled single dad? I had no bio kids and so I took his word as gospel. (Haha! He'd have hated that phrase! he hated all religious words or imagery)

Anyway in the 20 odd years since, 10 since he died, I've come to realise that actually he was a mainly shit parent.

Its been a really rough learning road for both me and my DSS but hopefully it will bear fruit for the next generation.

He doesn't have to believe you. All you have to do is get legal advice and start the divorce process. He can disbelieve all he likes. It won't stop the divorce from happening if that's the route you choose.

It's abuse. Talk to someone. Get advice, make a plan and kick him out. Wish you the best!

“I could tell him to get help or go. I've told him to get help before, but he wouldn't listen to me. He also has nowhere to go, and no money to get anywhere - no savings for rent etc.”

Yeah you could tell him but he won’t listen, there’s nothing wrong with him right OP?
I know where you are coming from because I’ve been through similar situations. We were supposed to be going to counselling last year. HA, that never happened. He was supposed to be becoming a better man this year, instead I was assaulted while carrying our child.

The fact he thinks he can excuse himself with flowers...

You deserve happiness, forget about whether he has savings or rent money why do you care? Did he care about yours/your childrens feelings when a boot was narrowly missing your face?

Your children deserve a happy mom so you can care for them in the best way and you deserve to be happy. If you can get him out of the house safely, do it.

Your children will thank you. I remember seeing my mom being with a POS man and me wondering why she didn’t just leave him so we could be happy. Even as a child under 7 I knew (she died when I was 7).

You deserve so much better OP I promise you. It may seem scary at first but you can do this

My mum stayed in a similar relationship, and for similar reasons. @Neverbroken yes I was that child too, wondering why she just couldn’t leave so that we could escape the awful stress of being around him. It’s taken more years than I care to remember to untangle the emotional fall out of how I view relationships, and I’m not the only one of my siblings to have been affected in this way. In the end it completely ground her down as a person and she didn’t think she deserved any better or that anyone else would want her, and like @Sarcelle the last years of her way too short life were miserable. It was gut wrenchingly heartbreaking to watch. And I was utterly clueless what a normal relationship looked like. Although I adamantly thought I’d never end up in a relationship like hers I ended up in relationships that were incredibly damaging in other ways, where everything was always my fault and what I wanted just didn’t matter. In these kind of relationships what is normal gets totally skewed, and it’s so easy to justify the behaviour, even as it makes you utterly miserable. Normal relationships don’t make you miserable! Nor do they leave you exhausted by trying to get through the day without triggering them. It’s so easy to forget that when you’re constantly in crisis mode, trying to calm them down. He is creating an environment where only his moods and wants matter, and everything else is just collateral damage. Just because he is not hitting you or directing his anger at your DC doesn’t mean that you’re not all victims of abuse.
OP, you’ve mentioned several times about the damage that might be caused to your kids by not having him around, I was wondering if this was a seed he had planted? These men are incredibly good at rooting out our deepest darkest fears and then using them against us with devastating effect.

You won’t damage the children by leaving him, you’ll damage them by staying with him.
I’m upset reading this: he’s vile.
Make an exit plan. Get a solicitor appointment.

You say you love him. Is that what you think love is about? This isn't love, this is abuse and your reaction to it. When did you decide that this was good enough for you? Why did you set your bar so low? You have been brainwashed and you are being used. For god's sake wake up and stop making excuses for your abusive husband.

Please seek help immediately. Speak up about his behaviour so people know what you are dealing with.

You need to get out of this marriage. I bloody hate bastards like that, and anyone who describes their marriage as "walking on eggshells" is married to one. I too was once that woman.

How is he a great dad?! That was the most shocking part of your post. He sounds like a terrible dad. He makes your lives miserable and you have to walk on eggshells. He abuses you in front of the children. He sounds horrible to live with. He ruins holidays and trips out. He can't control his anger.

It all sounds really miserable. You've put up with this for too long already OP. It's time to leave.

I worry that if they split, not having their dad around all the time will be even worse for them

My mum left my dad due to the same issue. Best decision she made. We were finally free.
Don’t think he isn’t doing the same damage to your children.

So I spoke to him. He says he's not happy in our relationship. That I bore him; I don't hold sufficiently intellectual conversations, and that I need to grow up.

His anger is all my fault; for being "difficult" and "not accepting responsibility" for the things I do wrong. (Most recent examples - accidentally booking DS onto an extra session at after school club; asking for help in removing a wheel from a bike; cooking porridge in the wrong bowl). All these things sparked absolute rage.

For context, I'm the sole earner, always have been, and I do all planning/admin/finances for the household. Not sure what "grow up" means. I'm now at work, an absolute state, and trying to pull myself together before I chair a meeting in 15 mins time.

Not sure where this goes from here.

You just tell him to GET TO FUCK.
And never look back.

You're the sole earner? That's great, you have freedom, you're not reliant on him for money, you have choices.

Well he fucks off doesn’t he? His anger isn’t your fault. Adults can get cross. But they manage their own emotions and don’t use them as weapons to make those they live with walk on eggshells and toe the line.

Well said @Frizzbeol

OP I know it must be difficult reading but people here want to help & a lot of us have been thru it &cone out the other side to tell the take. Good luck

Ok - time to move on, op. I know it's difficult - I've done it myself after a long marriage - but your situation is never going to improve otherwise as he will just continue to blame you for everything and refuse to accept any responsibility.

Exactly what gorris said

OP, it sounds like you know what you have to do. Have you friends and family around for support.

I'm wondering if the first step should be counselling. But perhaps we're past that. I just don't know. This is all very upsetting, and daunting.

I was coming on to ask what your financial position was and if you were able to just pack up and leave with the kids straight away and did you have somewhere to go as that is what you need to do ASAP. Now I see you are the sole earner (why doesn't he work?).
Please make him leave. Do you have friends/family round you that can be with you?
My cousin married a bloke and had two kids with him. When they were teenagers he decided drinking and sniffing were more important than working and his family and started not coming home for days and hitting her when he did. She put up with it years till he left her for a similar woman.
The grown up son now is just like his father, breaths his wife, doesn't work and drinks. The daughter has MH issues, numerous attempts at suicide and sectioned loads that started as a teen self harming when her dad hit her mum.
You need to be away from him for the sake of your lovely children. Good luck op

Abusers don't change. If he thinks you are serious about leaving he may get worse not better.

Do call WA and look online at the FP.