Desperate for advise on how to leave a cheater! Adultwork??

[Kerryd1812]

Hi everyone,
I’ll tell you a bit about my story so you understand, but please do not judge me and my choices. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 years, and moved hours away from my hometown and family for him. January 2018, I discovered that he’d been using a website called adultwork. Long story short, some of the messages were so vulgar they aren’t worth repeating. Never did they indicate actual sex had taken place, but money had been exchanged and responses such as “thank you for a great time” tell me otherwise. His messages would clearly say to the girls “I’m not into sex or bj, just watching you play whilst I wank” like WTF?? Am I being crazy but why would you physically travel to meet someone just to wank off yourself?
He told me this is what he would do and that he’s never had physical sex, and i also read this on this messages so they kind of back up. But this is still absolutely not ok sex or sex. One message even asked if he could “go unprotected” the girl thankfully said no. This made me so physically sick I went to get myself tested for an STI! So obviously sex has happened.

After a few months of rebuilding our relationship, I decided to give him another chance and November 2018 we got engaged. I work as cabin crew and am away quite frequently. In January of 2019, I find that he’s using the website again under a different email address. I work out the password.(I’ve become of seriously good detective) He’s been using this throughout 2018 even around our happy engagement.

So today is now feb 4th, I’ve been logging on to his AW account and monitoring whilst he’s unaware I know for a month. He’s been making webcam arrangements with girls whilst I work away, paying to have 24 hour access to private photo galleries. I feel like he has an addiction or obsession and needs real interaction to get off instead of just free porn sites.

My question is not shall i leave him, or what to do. I KNOW I need to leave him before he destroys me. (We were trying for a baby, I’ve now put myself back on birth control) we do not have children marriage or mortgage so I feel it should be an easy escape, but why am I finding it so hard to confront him? Last time he begged and pleaded so much I ended up taking him back, this time I want to feel strong enough to walk away. But I have no safety blanket. Eg will have nowhere to live, will have to leave all my friends in my new town as I would return to my hometown, and although he’s a disgusting excuse of a man, he’s been my best friend for years and feel like it’s so hard to walk away. I worry for his mental health. I don’t want to be the person who breaks him even though he’d only have himself to blame.
Why do I still care so much. I’m basically looking for some reassurance and maybe peoples similar experiences to help me find that power I need to follow through with this break up. I don’t know how life would be as a single person, I fear being lonely and know this is the wrong reason to be with somebody. So I need some self motivation and assurance that everything will be ok.

Thank you so much I’m advance.

[Fonduefrolics]

You’re independent, you have a career, no children/mortgage with him so you can have a clean break - being single is infinitely better than second guessing someone who has no respect for you.

Yes, it’ll be tough at first, it’ll hurt but it won’t last forever. You’ll be in control of your own sexual health and not worried that he’s off trying to have unprotected sex with other women.

What would you say to a friend in a similar situation?

Don’t worry about his mental health - that’s his own problem. Look up what Ariana Grande said about women’s responsibilities when it comes to looking out for men - “I am not a babysitter or a mother and no woman should feel that they need to be.”

Look after you first Kerry.

[user1479305498]

Kerry, just to tell you something, when I ended my 1st marriage I thought my husband would go to pieces, he did for about 4 weeks, within 2 months he had a new girlfriend and seemed happy as Larry. I was gobsmacked at how easily you can go from being their all and everything to a bit of their past. I had spent several years agonising over this, I needn’t have bothered.

[Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme]

Run for the hills- seriously run.

He has no respect for you.
Just imagine if you had had a child with him!

You have absolutely no reason to be with him. Don’t stay with someone who shows you such little respect and such little respect for women in general.

[myrtlehuckingfuge]

You moved to his town. If he needs it support will be there, he wasn't concerned about you before embarking (and re-embarking) on his frolics therefore you are not responsible for his mental health. If you are concerned contact one of his friends to tell them he will need support because your relationship is no longer tenable due to his irresponsible behaviour.
Please do not fear being single, doubtless you will find it less lonely than being in a relationship with a man who does not respect you or your health. Go and find someone who will make a better father if you still want a child after you have had some time to heal after this relationship. Onwards and most definitely upwards!

[PaleRider1]

Trust me, you won’t break him. He might have a little wobble and woe is me, but he’ll be fine and will soon find someone else and do the exact same to them as he has to you.

You are No.1 priority, not him. He hadn’t earnt that right.
Get out and don’t look back.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

His mental health!??

Did you see his concern for your mental health when he was fucking hookers???

What about his concern for your health when he wanted to go bareback on said hookers???

FUCK worrying about him, look after you!

Get an STD test and start looking for somewhere to live. Move back to your friends and family asap.

He's a serial cheat no doubt about it.... No way this will ever stop. As for being lonely what could be more lonely than this!?

Maybe instead of confronting him print all of it out, neatly staple it together and leave it on the coffee table for him to read after you've cleared out your stuff and ran as fast as you can into the horizon.

Adios crotch rot!

[MMmomDD]

If it was one affair - it’s possible to rebuild. But continuous use of prosritutes isn’t something will change. It’s what he likes and needs. He won’t change.

And no - it ISNT an addiction. He isn’t ill and somehow controlled by a medical problem. It’s what he likes and what he is used to.
There isn’t any MH issues in what he is doing.

You are used to him and had a vision of what life would be. It’s not easy to give that up.
Will take time. But if you stay - you’ll be really unhappy.

So - don’t. You are still young and will meet someone else.

[AnyFucker]

You say you don't need to be told you have to leave him and then list all the reasons why you probably won't

Which is it to be ?

[altiara]

Don’t worry about his mental health - worry about your mental health and physical health!
What kind of personality do you think he really has if he can beg and plead to your face until you come running back, even get engaged and try for a baby YET not actually stopping what he was doing, not even during your engagement! He might be addicted to webcams, but he is also constantly lying to you, pretending to have changed and has even managed to move your relationship on to trap you in.

I know you’re worried about being single, but having a lying, cheating partner is not the better option. Once your home with your friends and have broken free, the world is your oyster, being happy attracts other people. Go and be happy!!

[LellyMcKelly]

He’s been cheating on you enthusiastically for a long time. If he was that worried about your relationship or his own mental or physical health he wouldn’t be doing it. You owe him nothing other that a good hard boot in the clinks as he passes you on the way out the door. Clearly, this is not going to get better. You deserve way better.

[Kerryd1812]

Thank you so much to everyone - the reason for this post is that i have never told anybody any of this for various reasons (probably to protect him, protect myself from judgement of choosing to stand by him) a lot of our friends are mutual and don’t want them to feel differently about him. Again, not my issue if they did, but my naturally caring side wouldn’t want that for him.

This was the release I needed. I kept this so much in my head that I’d lose sleep and every waking moment would be only thinking about that.
I know I need to end it, but need to know the best angle to attack from. I don’t want him to try and worm his way back, he can be a master manipulator. Although it’s a set back at almost 30 to have to move back to my mothers short term, It’s my only option.

Also, we have some debts in my name that a large portion of is his responsibility. I’m worried this will become an issue later?

Sorry if I sound like a naive child. Ive only ever known life being with him since I was 18 and at nearly 30 i have no idea what life as an adult alone is like and it’s terrifying! I’m currently in Asia as we speak and will be home Thursday. Know that its gonna be the day this happens, I will keep you posted. Again thank you

[LadyB49]

I was one year into marriage and knew it was a mistake. Dh had fragile mental health and I was afraid of how he wouldn't cope. I stayed another 22 years.
On the verge of a breakdown myself, my gp told me i needed to leave him for my own sanity.
I left him and he was fine !!he
I divorced him two years later. He was still fine.
What wasted unhappy years I had.

[OneInAMillionYou]

You only get one life, Kerry. Is this how you want to spend yours?

You are still very young and able to carve out a whole new life for yourself. Do it. How you can have any affection or respect for your disgusting creep of a 'boyfriend' is beyond me.
Thank the Lord you have been sensible enough to avoid a pregnancy with him.

It doesn't matter how you leave him, just leave him. Do you want to be posting the same story in ten years time?

[TheABC]

Those debts are worrying. Sadly, unless you can get them signed over in his name, you will need to repay that money. Or he will use it with promises of payback to worm back into you.

I suggest starting now. Today. Arrange for transport on Thursday, buy some boxes, tell your mum. Knock down every excuse in your head. Also, don't be afraid to tell the world what a dirty scumbag he is. It's his shame, not yours. I am amazed you are not more angry! Post the messages on Facebook, text everyone, hell - take an ad out in the newspaper. The more people you tell, the more likely it is that your pride will make the break permanent.

This is your first step to a happier life.

[CallMeRachel]

You need to do this for yourself Kerry, and him.

He will never change. Men who do this can have it all in terms of love sex and fulfilment at home with a beautiful woman but they still seek out paid services.

The longer you allow it the more you enable and normalise it for both him and you.

It's not normal, it's not okay. He's warped. The debt issues are another symptom of a dysfunctional man who doesn't cope in life.

Experience tells me that what you are aware of is only the tip of the iceberg, there'll be so much more hidden underneath the surface and you may feel like you never really knew him at all.

Get your finances separated before you speak to him and make sure he hasn't been re mortgaging or borrowing money in joint names while you've been away.

This will be like ripping off a plaster but it needs doing so the wound can heal.

[LuckyLou7]

Don't worry about him, he'll be fine.
You only get one life - don't waste any more time with this sex-addicted sleaze.
The debts can be dealt with later. Today, concentrate on getting yourself free. Pack up your stuff and head home. When people ask you why it's over, tell them the truth. No-one will judge you.

[TearingUpMyHeart]

Once you know you can leave, the immediacy is not important. Take a few minutes first to think about these debts. Is there any way you can spin a story to get him to repay? Once you split, they will be yours to pay. Anything of his you could sell?