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Infidelity Support Thread for the Betrayed Party- Part 2

(107 Posts)
WhatAreYouLookingAt Mon 07-May-18 06:46:14

Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3015947-infidelity-support-thread-for-the-betrayed-party

Although I was a bit late to the party, I thought it would be a good idea to continue on with the thread.

The thread is a place for ranting, raving and general trying not to go full out crazy in real life while we deal with the crap that our spouses are putting us through.

StarlightSparkle Mon 07-May-18 08:07:09

Thanks for setting up the new thread WhatAreYou. There are a lot of us who need it!

WhatAreYouLookingAt Mon 07-May-18 09:26:06

Thanks Starlight.

I'm currently on a weekend break with he who must not be named and it's been, dare I say, pleasant.

Although I had a horrible dream about OW last night so now I feel a bit deflated.

It always creeps up on me when I'm tentatively enjoying myself, I get a kick to the gut.

Screaminginsideme Mon 07-May-18 09:27:37

Morning all!
The OW H called me yesterday to ask if my children wanted to go over and play with theirs!!!
Now I know it’s not the kids issue, they were brought up to be very close but My kids barely talk about the others while apparently their kids really miss mine.
I said no, I told him straight that I did not want either of them to have contact with my children - they decided to tell me about the affair at a time when my children need me to be 100% focused on them and now I’m not.
They are both liars and he is an abusive arse.
Their kids are rude and obnoxious if I’m honest.
It gave me the shakes again.

WhatAreYouLookingAt Mon 07-May-18 17:02:20

Screaming how could he even think that is ok?

Is it a case of that they think that once the dust settles that things will go back to 'normal'?

Block block block on every way that they are able to contact you.

StarlightSparkle Mon 07-May-18 18:49:01

Screaming, you did the right thing. They have screwed up the chance of being friends and it sounds like your kids aren’t too bothered anyway.

Glad you had a good weekend WhatAreYou (except the dream). We have done a couple of breaks and they’ve been good and at times things even felt ‘normal.’

I had a bit of a wobble this weekend as being out with the kids and seeing so many happy looking families made everything hit home. I felt really envious and angry that I no longer have that myself. Well, 3 of the family are happy but not me. Today was better though and we managed to have a fun day out as a family and it wasn’t on my mind. The rollercoaster of emotions on a day to day basis does drive me mad.

StarlightSparkle Tue 08-May-18 09:14:00

Anyone else dream of revenge on the OW? I hate the fact that I’ve gone through 6 months of hell while she has got off relatively scot-free. It’s so unjust.

It was a work affair but no-one knew and to expose her would also mean exposing him and him also facing disciplinary action/ dismissal so I couldn’t do it. She has now left as a result of this, so that is one silver lining that she has had to leave a very good job, but she’s got another one so it’s not that much of a hardship. I know I shouldn’t be wasting any time or energy on a morally bankrupt hussy like her, but I can’t help it!

Lorry123 Tue 08-May-18 11:54:46

Starlight - me! My ex and his OW (both complete nutters) have absolutely no sensitivity about what they have done. They live in my street, insist on both facetiming my children regularly during the days when they are with me so I have to hear her voice booming out and and the OW insists on texting / emailing my DS aged 11 and 9. She has 4 kids of her own yet is strangely obsessed with my kids, and the pair of them just want to prove to everyone that what they did was right and that they truly are 'soulmates'. I should add that they have both been divorced twice before and are pretty dysfunctional.

I would love to know how to grow a very thick skin and ignore their ridiculous antics - any ideas anyone??

WhatAreYouLookingAt Tue 08-May-18 12:36:56

Starlight, I regularly plot revenge. Keeping my fingers crossed that the karma train hits her square on. I keep imagining contacting her whole family on Facebook letting them know what she did.

She was a work colleague of his, and when I launched him out the door on DDay, they lasted 48 hours before he was crawling on his belly begging forgiveness.

She left his workplace that day and was never seen again. I hate how she was able to swan off back to her husband unaffected by the destruction they caused.

During the affair she shut down most of her social media accounts, possibly a preemptive move to protect her when everything came out. The ones I did find were actually embarrassing, she was a MLM seller and her linked in profile was full of spelling mistakes. She was clearly a bit thick and that's what he chose to sleep with. The sad thing is, he has more in common with the stupid cow that he does with me.

I wish the whole world knew what a scummy coke head whore she is. Then again, she wasn't the one who made vows to me. He's a fucking 1000x worse.

StarlightSparkle Tue 08-May-18 14:56:49

Lorry, that sounds intolerable, it would absolutely make my skin crawl to have to listen to the OW’s voice when I was trying to have a nice time with my kids. Some people are unbelievably insensitive; as if it is necessary constantly face-time them! Can you get the kids to leave their phones at home, or tell them you don’t like them face-timing when you’re out and about and would prefer they didn’t answer the phone? It’s tricky when kids are involved though and you don’t want them to use that against you and accuse you of ‘not letting them speak to the kids.’

WhatAreYou, I suppose if plotting their downfall makes us feel better there is no harm in it. Agree that the husbands are worse; she has never even met me, though personally I just cannot understand why anyone goes after someone who is married (and she did pursue him).

Alfiemoon1 Tue 08-May-18 16:44:48

Thanks for starting a new thread hope everyone is well

Alfiemoon1 Tue 08-May-18 20:31:53

So after a loved up weekend despite me working we had a tiff last night totally unrelated clash of personalities me being super stressy him be mr laid back etc. I now am probably putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 200 but I think he’s been in contact with her
He has an old tablet that unbeknown to him is linked to his phone. I deleted her number a week or so ago today it’s back on his activity shows looked in notes then went on WhatsApp at 8.30 am my over active imagination says he added her number and messaged her he then put the horse out and walked the dog and was back on WhatsApp at 12.30 I have asked him who he walked the dog with he said nobody not sure if I believe him or not as he lied to my face out taking her for a drink but I think she works Tuesday but still think he’s contacted her.

Alfiemoon1 Tue 08-May-18 20:51:45

I can’t be doing with this roller coaster life he refuses to cut contact as it’s all so innocent apparently I am tempted to stoop to an all time low and send her my screenshots where he searched her 20 times a day on Facebook and screenshots where he has lied to me and her shit stirring with the hope she realises he is over investing in this so called friendship and blocks him

WhatAreYouLookingAt Wed 09-May-18 12:26:41

Alfie have you tried the 180 approach. It's on that surviving infidelity site and it actually is supposed to help a betrayed spouse heal and protect themselves. Basically you detach from him and the drama and focus on yourself. Right now him and what he does is your absolute sole focus and he'll be loving the idea of having her to talk to and you being madly jealous making him feel desired and 'a big man'

My hyper vigilance after DDay drove me insane, the checking the WhatsApp messages, his emails, his texts, his search history. Every little thing was assessed and it was horrible.

I had a bit of a epiphany where I realised that no matter what I do, if he wants to cheat he will. It doesn't matter that I'm watching like a hawk, he'll find a way if he really wants to. So I've stopped checking and it's been like a weight lifted. If he does do it again, I'll know because I'll trust my gut this time and we'll be done.

Alfiemoon1 Wed 09-May-18 22:26:49

Thanks for that whatulooking at I will follow the advice. I’ve done a lot of soul searching today my checking up on him is becoming obsessive my mood swings of being all lovey dovey then seeing something that might be him contacting her is unfair on us both. I have never previously had mental health problems but ended up on 50 mg of sertraline when he left over rows because of her I will contact the gp to discuss this as my mood swings loving him one minute hating him the next aren’t Probably normal then hopefully I will decide with a clear head If I can move on or if we are over. I am being my own worst enemy constantly checking up on him

Mytwistedimagination Thu 10-May-18 06:31:59

Have you started the 180 alfie? Has it made you feel any more secure in yourself, less likely to want to keep checking up on everything? I'm stuck right in the hyper vigilant stage. It's crazy when you think about what you are doing, but the compulsion is too bad to ignore.
Strangely, I can almost see us reconciling, but it seems this will come at a great personal cost to my self esteem and mental health, by just having to deal with and 'accept' it. While he just pats me on the back and puts up with the tears. angry

More details are out now. Seems he was happy with us, until she offered him a bj and sex. Which was obv too exciting to turn down. No guilt about it until it was over. I'm not quite sure what to think of that, or how it is processed in terms of the future. Doesn't it just mean that he'd happily accept anything offered, as long as I didn't find out, he wouldn't feel bad?
Bastard.

WhatAreYouLookingAt Thu 10-May-18 10:14:24

Mytwisted, they compartmentalise so much that they actually do not consider what they are doing will have consequences. It's all about them, they don't give a fuck about their wives or even their kids, they are chasing the rush. Most cheaters rewrite history and convince themselves that they are 'entitled' to have an affair due to things they've had to sacrifice or a perceived fault in their spouse.

I'm only a couple of weeks into attempting a soft 180, I feel more 'me' not this crazy woman who obsessively checked up on him. Part of me also thinks that me stopping the checking will mean that I'm giving him enough rope so let's just wait to see if he hangs himself by getting into contact with OW. This is how I caught him the first time as I let things slide and he thought my suspicions had passed and he carried on with his affair.

Most of the time, they're only sorry they got caught.

Mytwistedimagination Thu 10-May-18 12:01:14

what yes, the compartmentalizing doesn't surprise me. We've also had the 'our relationship was in a bad place and I was thinking about leaving' excuse, which turned out to be bullshit after today's conversation, in actuality he wasn't thinking of leaving at all until after they'd had sex a few times. I'd always said that came out of the blue, as I certainly hadn't remembered us having a rocky relationship at that point. Wonder how much more bullshit will come to light? Problem is it only comes out after directed questioning, and I don't always know what to ask in order to get there.
Sounds like I need to join you in the 180!

WhatAreYouLookingAt Thu 10-May-18 13:06:56

If you don't feel like you've got all the answers you need (not want) then I think you need to ask the questions before trying to detach.

I have accepted that I have all the answers that I needed. I ended up writing down every question that I had and hit him with them all at once. It was more difficult for him to minimise what he had done that way and I also slung in a few questions that I knew the answers to, to try and catch him out.

Mytwistedimagination Thu 10-May-18 15:25:31

Good tactic, but atm things occur to me at random times and I go off on a tangent...

it's not really practical to ask too many q at a time right now as he's working abroad and the time zone difference isn't v helpful. I can't really ask on the phone as the kids are around.

I think I know a lot, how, when, why they met up, what he was thinking!, etc. Is there a 'list' of q which I can go through to help me understand how it happened, or is it all pretty specific to the ppl and circumstances involved, do you think?

He was getting his breakfast when I phoned earlier to ask him something. Instead of nicely asking if he could phone me back in twenty minutes so he could speak freely, he got his arsey tone of voice on... Only a week on and his compassion seems to be slipping. He did apologize later, but I wonder how much of this remorse is a front. He's spent the past two years lying regularly to me, that must be a hard habit to break!

Mytwistedimagination Thu 10-May-18 15:30:23

I actually really worry that when he gets back things will be almost back to normal, at least as it was for the past few years. I'll think he's not making any real effort, he dealt with it years ago so won't even think about it. So more arguments will occur because of this difference in perception, only this time there won't be the big secret fueling the tension, it will just be our shitty relationship.

Alfiemoon1 Thu 10-May-18 23:38:48

Not tracked him for a whole day yay me lol not sure if it’s a good sign or not maybe I have just given up given caring what he does. My situation is difficult he hasn’t slept with her it’s a friendship he’s over invested in. I don’t doubt if she offered it to him he would take it. It’s a sad situation we could of all got on but he chose to be a dick about it all I have no doubt he is having a midlife crisis protein shakes grey reducing shampoo shaving pubes etc she has form at the stables for using people which is why her horse isn’t there and on full time loan seems everyone is losing out because of his behaviour

WhatAreYouLookingAt Fri 11-May-18 08:38:47

Think I'm having a bad day/week/year. On Sunday it would have been 18 years since our relationship started. Now it's not, because we are a broken clock stuck on the day he betrayed me. I can't even think about our wedding anniversary.

He came home early from work and caught me crying yesterday. I was thinking about everything that he threw away. I've been wearing my game face when he's about so I think he was a bit shocked. Before the affair, I was never a crier, he saw me cry maybe 5 times in 17 years and those were at funerals / death related. I just pushed him away and went for a walk, sunglasses on, and sobbed my heart out.

This isn't getting any better. I thought I could fake it for my kids but some days it hits me like a train.

Screaminginsideme Fri 11-May-18 18:42:43

Don’t hide your pain from your husband. He should know what he’s done and he should be doing what you need to make it better.

I need talking down from telling the other wives. I know of two other women my psycho EXBFF has done this too- pretend to be their friend while shagging their husbands.

I feel like they should know but I don’t wish this pain on anyone.

FrancesDestroyed Fri 11-May-18 21:44:44

Glad I've found you again.
Still struggling on here.
He's been on a week's motorbiking/camping holiday for the week, (including the bank holiday weekend). DS 2 starts his GCSE s in Monday. Due back tomorrow. I'm supposed to do the big, "Oh how I've missed you thing." I feel like I'm emotionally flat-lining at the moment.
I've told the DCs that we'll go out for a curry tomorrow night....that way we have family time and I don't have to be on my own with him, I don't have to cook or wash up and I get an evening out! grin

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