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Terrible situation, I'm not blameless, but advice please

(125 Posts)
Jamesrsl Sat 07-Oct-17 23:38:25

Hello

I no longer love my wife, though I have enormous affection, respect, & concern for her. We've become more distant over the last 2 years, argue endlessly over petty things. We're both apologetic, but I think we're at the end.

Separately, I met someone earlier this year. We worked together very closely for one project that's now over. We had an EA, and kissed, once. We then stopped. Every so often we've spoken, but it's been over for several months. We stopped, because I felt terribly guilty, and I wanted to make my marriage work. Also, within days of our kissing, I discovered my wife was pregnant. She's due in February.

I have tried. I think I have been patient & supportive. But I continue to have feelings for the person I had an affair with, & the marriage has continued to slide. The moments of respite have gone from rare to almost nonexistent, and deep down I know it's over.

But obviously, it's not just us now. So the question is timing. I still care for my wife enormously. I know the baby is vulnerable to stress during pregnancy, & will need A LOT of care at first. Do I make a clean, honest break now? Or do I wait, help through pregnancy, and get say a year down the road, knowing my wife is as set up as she can be? I want her to be happy. I want to provide for her & our child as much as I can & I'll do that either way. In short, is it better to live a lie for a bit, to help her & our baby through the next stage?

For completeness: I would want to be with the person I had an affair with, but would hold back until I left, and - despite what I want - would make clear I wouldn't expect them to wait if they couldn't.

FastWindow Sat 07-Oct-17 23:44:04

Wouldn't it just serve you right if the baby wasn't yours. hmm

MaterReteMefecit Sat 07-Oct-17 23:46:07

How utterly awful. Your poor wife.

fizzthecat1 Sat 07-Oct-17 23:51:39

Don't leave her whilst she's pregnant, I think wait at least a year.

Ploppie4 Sat 07-Oct-17 23:52:22

Live on your own. Don’t have a relationship with anyone for 6 months. Use it to clarify your own mind. It’s pretty stupid and rushed jumping from living with one partner to living with another.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Sat 07-Oct-17 23:56:34

Oh your poor wife!!

Can you honestly keep up the pretence of a happy, devoted, loving husband until February? Surely she will be able to tell you aren't yourself? Perhaps she already can.

Dobbyandme Sun 08-Oct-17 00:07:50

If I was pregnant and my DH was flitting about all 'woe is me' and kissing another woman, I would want to know what an arsehole he was before I gave birth because quite frankly, I wouldn't want him anywhere near the delivery suite or me.

I would also be bloody devastated to learn that the first few months with my newborn were stained by the fact that my lying, cheating, and potentially STD carrying husband (yes some STDs can be passed with 'just' kissing, and endanger an unborn child) didn't have the balls to admit that he no longer loved me, or in fact probably didn't love me whilst still continuing to sleep with me without putting something on the end of it thereby impregnating me.

Furthermore, I certainly wouldn't view any of the above as any kind of 'respect, concern, affection'. In fact I would consider it to be anything but.

Not that i'm calling you an arsehole OP. But honestly, do the poor woman a favour and pack your bags now.

antimatter Sun 08-Oct-17 00:17:01

We've become more distant over the last 2 years but not distant enough to have sex!

If my daughter had partner like that I would advise her to kick him out, take all the money and move on

You are terrible human being!

Nonibaloni Sun 08-Oct-17 00:19:43

Leave her now. Break her heart and crush her

LaughingElliot Sun 08-Oct-17 00:22:08

It’s hardly surprising you’ve “become distant “ given that you’ve devoted your energies to a third party. What a monumental cock up you’ve made of your marriage.
Tell your wife the truth so she can make an informed decision.

Nonibaloni Sun 08-Oct-17 00:22:35

Ugh posted too soon, but that pretty much sums is.
You didn't separately have an emotional affair. Affair is the key word. Your wife thought she was happily married and you were testing the water.
And you just found out she was pregnant so you'd had sex 6 weeks ago? Without protection? That doesn't imply you had moved on.
This is not a terrible situation. This is you wanting to leave your life without looking like a bad guy.

ConcreteUnderpants Sun 08-Oct-17 00:23:24

Hmmmmm.
Well James, personally I would recommend you leave you wife approximately 6 weeks after the birth, preferably whilst she is in the debilitating throes of post natal depression. That will give you plenty of time to work out what happy shots of you and your mistress (taken before the birth, obviously) you want to post on Facebook.

Seriously? If this is for real, what do you expect from us?

AnnieAnoniMouse Sun 08-Oct-17 00:27:03

Do you have any awareness that you having emotionally 'checked out' of you marriage ages ago is likely what is causing the issues between you?

She might not know why you have 'checked out', but she knows you have.

There is no 'separately'. It's not ok to have had an emotional affair with someone. You have given thatnoart of yourself to another woman & robbed your wife of that intimacy.

'I have been patient & supportive'. Are you looking for a medal? It's what married people are supposed to DO, especially ones that have made their wife pregnant.

Why weren't you BOTH using contraception if your marriage wasn't going well? I'm guessing she didn't know that you you thought it wasn't going well.

Anyway, if you're so sure the grass is greener & you want to be with MissAffair rather than your wife & child, then tell her now. It's not 'kind' to stay & get her & the baby 'settled'. Stop trying to assuage your guilt. She's a grown woman, not a child. She deserves to know that you no longer want to be with her. Tell her now. Also, don't be a spineless fuckwit, tell her about MissAffair, don't deny it. It's FAR better to know the truth than suspect but be unsure you can trust your instincts.

Then remember, SHE is pregnant, not you. It's HER body, she gets to chose everything to do with the pregnancy & birth & that includes not allowing you there when she's giving birth.

Stop wallowing in self pity & tell her.

Then one day you can look back at what an idiot you were to let her go, all for someone who massaged your ego..

lollipop7 Sun 08-Oct-17 00:27:19

What an awful thread.

You are a disgrace. You no longer love your wife, but quite happily carried on shagging her despite being attracted to someone else. If you knew pregnancy was likely how could you bring an innocent life into this as well? Don't insult her or our intelligence with protestations of having respect for her or affection. The truth is you are a grade A shit who wanted to have his cake and eat it. Well I for one hope it chokes you.

HazelBite Sun 08-Oct-17 00:32:58

If I were the "third party" I would not want a man that had left his pregnant wife, had an emotional affair with me while shagging his wife, or made me hang on until it was convenient to leave.
What does the third party want?
Will she trust you?

LilyMcClellan Sun 08-Oct-17 00:33:13

Yeah, I'd want to be well shot of you before the birth.

You're obviously not really trying in your marriage, as you've kept one foot out the door to the degree that you think your affair partner might be willing to wait around for a year for you while you get round to divesting yourself of a wife and child.

It's hard to imagine what sort of relationship you could pretend to have with your wife during that time. No sex, presumably, as that would be a gross betrayal, no making family plans for the future. Constantly distracted by your vision for your alternative future life and growing low-level resentment for the situation you're in. Lie after lie after lie.

For me that wouldn't be worth a bit of help with night feeds in the first few months. Don't worry, your soon-to-be-ex-wife will probably surprise you with how well she manages by herself. Most mums actually do the vast majority of baby care by themselves anyway. You'd be more useful leaving now and paying for a nanny to come in for a couple of hours each day and an overnight once a week.

Magpie18 Sun 08-Oct-17 00:34:31

How can you make a "clean, honest break" when you don't understand the meaning of those words. You haven't been clean or honest - you're a disgrace - your wife and baby deserve so much more. Nothing wrong with falling out of love, shit happens - but end your marriage before you move on. Grow a pair!

Henrythehoover Sun 08-Oct-17 00:35:05

Leave now I found out my partner was cheating on me when my dd was a week old. He was trying to do the sticking around till the babies older thing but I think it was worse than finding out while pregnant as it ruined the first few weeks with her.

juliej00ls Sun 08-Oct-17 00:37:37

So more distant over 2 years but thought a baby would be a good idea. Now after a rethink fancy the piece at work more so want advice on when to go. In your defence you haven’t dressed it up. Go now. Having a baby and caring for it is hard work. Having you screwing with her mind is the pits. She will probably thrive without you meet a good guy who can help her raise your child.

aims331 Sun 08-Oct-17 00:39:44

Feel so sorry for your wife. If this other woman knows you have a wife and still wants you then she is disgusting and pathetic. Even worse if she sticks around knowing that you got your wife pregnant. I hope you let your wife move on and find a real man to love her and give her what she deserves.

Be a decent person and tell your wife ASAP. This is your fault for having wandering eyes not hers. Don’t even think about hooking up with this other woman straight after or even in the near future because that will destroy your wife.

Tortycat Sun 08-Oct-17 00:42:30

Your poor wife and child. You're right acute stress is harmful for the baby, so dont leave her whilst pregnant. You also dont know the impact having a child may have on you and your relationship. Hang in there, support your wife and child, ideally fess up and some future point so she can make a choice about you but put some effort in in the meantime

nappyrat Sun 08-Oct-17 00:42:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BenLui Sun 08-Oct-17 00:43:39

Third option. Start making a real effort to reconnect with your wife. Get counselling, start talking to your wife, give it everything you’ve got (which means completely breaking off with OW).

To be honest, I agree with PP I can’t begin to imagine why the OW would possibly want a man who’d treated his wife so abominably while still having a physical relationship and came with the baggage of a new baby.

GretchenFranklin Sun 08-Oct-17 00:45:39

What is the matter with you?

Have you literally no control over yourself and where you place your penis?

Utterly shameful.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 08-Oct-17 00:50:15

What you want really doesn’t matter that much just now.

Your wife has a right to know what is going on within her own marriage.

Yes, it will be very very painful for her to hear while pregnant - but it’s going to be even worse with a newborn.

If the colleague has anything about her she’ll run a mile from a man who was still close enough to his wife to conceive a child whilst coming on to her too! Hardly a true love story is it!

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