Terrible situation, I'm not blameless, but advice please

[Jamesrsl]

Hello

I no longer love my wife, though I have enormous affection, respect, & concern for her. We've become more distant over the last 2 years, argue endlessly over petty things. We're both apologetic, but I think we're at the end.

Separately, I met someone earlier this year. We worked together very closely for one project that's now over. We had an EA, and kissed, once. We then stopped. Every so often we've spoken, but it's been over for several months. We stopped, because I felt terribly guilty, and I wanted to make my marriage work. Also, within days of our kissing, I discovered my wife was pregnant. She's due in February.

I have tried. I think I have been patient & supportive. But I continue to have feelings for the person I had an affair with, & the marriage has continued to slide. The moments of respite have gone from rare to almost nonexistent, and deep down I know it's over.

But obviously, it's not just us now. So the question is timing. I still care for my wife enormously. I know the baby is vulnerable to stress during pregnancy, & will need A LOT of care at first. Do I make a clean, honest break now? Or do I wait, help through pregnancy, and get say a year down the road, knowing my wife is as set up as she can be? I want her to be happy. I want to provide for her & our child as much as I can & I'll do that either way. In short, is it better to live a lie for a bit, to help her & our baby through the next stage?

For completeness: I would want to be with the person I had an affair with, but would hold back until I left, and - despite what I want - would make clear I wouldn't expect them to wait if they couldn't.

What on earth were you thinking, conceiving a child whilst involved in all this deception?

Does your wife feel the same about your marriage?

I agree with what pp have said. If you have checked out of the marriage and been emotionally unavailable that will have gone a long way towards creating the problems you describe.

I love how this is described as a "terrible situation", like it was caused by some kind of unavoidable weather system passing through.

The actual, not-particularly-unusual situation is that you and your wife were experiencing relationship issues. This is sad and difficult, but not terrible. It happens to a lot of people, and can often be fixed with good counselling and effort on the part of both partners.

The "terrible" part of your situation is 100 percent down to your own shitty choice of having an affair outside of your marriage, and not being prepared to own that your shitty choice is the actual reason your marriage is now doomed. For that, you are in fact entirely to blame.

Be a man and leave now.

My ex kept me dangling for well over two years. He told all our friends he was going to dump me when we moved back to the UK. Just not me. Best years behind me, priced out of the housing market, no career. Those two years would have made such a difference to my life.

Your wife's best years are in front of her. As soon as you leave, her life will change for the better. Dishonesty and distance is crippling. Sometimes it is hard to find yourself after that.

I really think you need to be honest with her now. It's the only respectful thing to do.

This can't be for real?

I don’t think the thread is going the way you hoped OP. You need to do the decent thing and tell her now rather than live a lie. Otherwise she will look back on this time and realise what a sham it all was.

“I’m not blameless” aw baby, don’t sell yourself short you are completely to blame for this situation!

Obviously leave your wife now. Better she know the situation and get her affairs in order than drag on the relationship. Agree with PP that a man who cheated then left his pregnant wife would hardly strike me as an excellent new potential, but ex-w deserves someone who loves her, and that man is no longer you.

You say you still respect her. That's questionable. If you do, be honest and allow her the choice as to whether SHE stays with you or not.

If you were my husband, I'd want you to leave now, and not taint my pregnancy and the early days/weeks with my baby.

Jesus, mate. What a piece of work you are!

I'm normally aghast at the vitriolic attacks the ladies seem to pathologically conduct on guys here. In your case, I think they've hit the nail on the head.

And just to clarify why I think you're a piece of work. It's not the affair. It's not the fact that you're feeling disconnected. It's not the fact that you want to seperate. It's the stupidity of getting her pregnant while this was going on! Then not manning up after.

Good luck, mate.

We need to talk, Wife. Here's the thing. I care about you, but I don't love you anymore. In fact, I've already had an affair with someone, and I've decided 'd rather be with her. The tricky thing is our coming child. I'd like to be able to do my best by them – other than trying to repair our relationship, obviously. So I'm thinking, would it be helpful if I stick around to get you through the first few months of post-natal sleep deprivation before I set up home with my affair partner and start lining her up as stepmum to our unborn child for. By the time our kid's a year old I should be able to take them away from you for –what, let's start with a couple of nights a fortnight and work up from there? What do you say? What works for you?"

That should do the trick.

If you really do care about your wife then leave the other women alone and look into marriage counselling!

Ending a marriage is a huge decision to make and not one that should be made unless you've both done all that you can to fix what ever problems your having.

Don't you think it would be better if you put all of your focus on your marriage and your wife and your unborn child?

The grass isn't always greener on the other side it just often feels eaiser to walk away and into the arms of another rather than putting in a real effort and getting back the relationship that made you fall in love with your wife in the first place!

You should at least give your marriage your all before you walk away and uproot all of your lifes you owe at least that to your Wife,your DC and yourself!

Jamesrsl OK I am not going to be really hard on you and blame you a lot. I've no idea what has gone wrong in your marriage and I don't think it was wrong of you to have sex with your wife (although wonder if you have tried to address these issues before).

Let's think what your options are here. You could, if you chose to, think about how you could try and change this situation, for the better for you and your wife, and for your child.

Did you ever love your wife?

If no, then by all means check out now and be up front.

If yes, why does your post not mention any plans, or attempts, to save your marriage?

You've gone on together to create a new life, your son or daughter. Your first?

You are talking about all this as if you are changing energy supplier, and wanting to know what will be the best deal!

Please, please, do some soul searching, for your own sake. You did not have a sexual affair, a kiss is not the end of the world. Things are not irreparable between you and your wife, if you could get back the love you once had for her, and both work together.

Personally, I think you need to do some soul searching and decide if you really do want to end it and check out of your marriage.

If so, I would be honest with her. Be ready to answer her questions about what she has done 'wrong' (in your view), or what has changed.

Maybe she is fed up with you and will welcome the split. Or maybe she would be willing to work on things together.

Either way that baby is your baby, we assume, and you need to get your head around that and stop worrying about someone you worked with who made you feel good about yourself and kissed you.

Totally agree with nicenewdusters, "You say you still respect her. That's questionable. If you do, be honest and allow her the choice as to whether SHE stays with you or not."

and yes to LilyMcClellan "I love how this is described as a "terrible situation", like it was caused by some kind of unavoidable weather system passing through."

You need to take the responsibility that is yours, I don't think it is all your fault, I've got no idea what has happened in your marriage. But things have slid south and you have got involved in an emotional relationship with this other woman.

How do you know this other woman will want you. "Every so often we've spoken, but it's been over for several months. We stopped, because I felt terribly guilty, and I wanted to make my marriage work."

Why did you want to make the marriage work, because of guilt or a spark of love

Go figure out what is going on, be honest with your wife.

I hope whatever you decide you will speak about this in the most honest and respectful way possible.

I don't think you know what the word "love" means.

Just because the new wears off of a relationship, it doesn't mean that you don't "love" the person. If you keep jumping around from woman to woman grasping for that shiny new feeling, you'll never have a relationship that last more than a couple of years. (Some guys do that, they end up getting married 5 times).

"I have enormous affection, respect, & concern for her" In that case, work on your relationship. Go on a marriage retreat, or get some counseling, or something. In short, snap out of this nonsense and tend your marriage.

You loved her enough to marry her. You loved her enough to shag her without contraceptives. This is not the time to decide the whole thing just isn't emotional enough for you to bother with. Grow up, go home and figure out how to make a grown up relationship work.

As far as your colleague, If she wants a man who screws around on and plans on leaving his pregnant wife, then she'll have only herself to blame when you get bored with her and leave her for the next shiny object. It will be VERY clear exactly what sort of man you are. If you can't be bothered to make a relationship work with a women who you have "enormous affection, respect, & concern" for who is also pregnant with your child, I'd say your chances are about zero for making any relationship work ever.

You won't leave.

The baby will arrive, OW won't hang around and you will realise you love your wife.

Until the next time

You are completely to blame. Tell your wife the whole honest truth. You're a despicable person and she deserves to be free of you.

Did you ever love her in the beginning? Answer this question openly and honestly please.

Marriages often fail because people don’t work hard enough at them and many of us are guilty of complacency, being too busy or tired etc.

It has often been said the key to a successful marriage is not falling out of love with eachother at the same time. Thus not wanting a divorce at the same time.

So for the sake of the baby, I agree with pps, you should work on your marriage, get some counselling and perhaps a new chapter in your lives as a family is just around the corner.

If you don’t want to do this, which frankly considering the situation, is extremely unfair to your wife, you should end it now. She doesn’t deserve to discover that the first precious few months with her newborn was a lie. That will likely be even more devastating than leaving her now.

I doubt the OP will be back crawled back under his bridge

I agree LEM. I suspect this thread didn't got he way he hoped.

I'd rather not have a lech like you near me. Leave your wife now.

So you don't love her and yet you still had unprotected sex??

Wanker.

What a fucking knob you sound. She's better off without you.

Did you read back what you wrote @Jamesrsl and honestly thought this was a good idea to still post it.

now I have been with someone who had an Emotional affair and it was far worst knowing he checked out emotionally. meaning the word "Love" was not genuine. Especially when you have been with that person for numerous years.

It's so sad that your WIFE is pregnant. Do you feel anything for her?

You really need to think if this was your "daughter" and her HUSBAND done this to her, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? Most importantly how do you think SHE WOULD FEEL?

Wow, you don't love your wife, distant for 2 years, had an affair, but still make your wife pregnant.

I worked with a man who told a couple of us at work he was tired of his wife and told us she was getting fat. “Fat”? I asked. It turned out she was pregnant. He left her about the time the baby was born. That was back in about 1981. She went on to marry a nice successful man and have two more children. Both doing very well. Her ex-husband went on to screw up other women lives and didn’t amount to much. True story.